Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[BaileyB]

You really do need some time on your own, without your husband or MM, to have any clarity whatsoever.

 

And if I may add, without these two other men you see sitting on the bench. Make an impulsive decision to jump into a relationship with one of these men because you are hurt and you want to prove to your MM that he is losing out, and you may regret that decision.

 

Take time to yourself to gather yourself and do some self reflection, then look for a single man when you are ready.

[WasOtherWoman]

I've spent a lot of hours thinking about the push/pull the last number of weeks and the resulting hurt. I wonder how I can love someone who says I am the love of his life but can't walk away from the woman who isn't. I wonder why I would love someone who not only ruined my birthday but the entire weekend. I wonder even if I "got" him what I would really be getting. What excess baggage comes with him that will cause drama for a long time to come. I feel like I really want to inflict some pain on him but I don't know how or even what the point would be. {snip}

 

I totally get that you are furious, I do. I would have been livid had my H not left back then either. Absolutely livid. Because when they don't it is either because they have been lying all along about their feelings for you OR they are just a big fat coward. Either one, not pretty.

 

I do agree that the healthiest and most logical thing for you to do now, would be to just completely go no contact with him. Easier said than done though, i know.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Amethyst68]

What concerns me is the time of year. It's a horrible time to be alone. Everywhere you look happy families are being shoved at you from all directions and there's an expectation that everyone has to be happy.

 

It's a dangerous time to go NC if your on own with no immediate support system and all too easy to get sucked back in by MM because then she's not alone.

 

I'm not saying you're weak OP but I've been alone at this time of year, different circumstances, I lost both parents, one late November and the other mid December, family in another country. It's hard, people who know try but in the end they have their lives to lead.

 

Stay strong and take care.

[Artdeco]

OP - After all that has transpired after you wrote your first post, I would also recommend that you stay away. Don’t answer any more calls, don’t engage in any email or text message correspondence. It just won’t lead to anything that is significantly different from what you’ve already experienced.

 

What will help you overtime is to completely stay away. You will gain independence and a feel for what being single will feel like for you (it’s a good feel!), and he will get a taste of what it feels like to be without you. And stuck in the same sitch.

 

Completely separate your life from his life! Trust me, it will not be bliss for him. He might experience one thing, and that is that a life without you is more simple and more predictable and less threatening (due to a lack of imminent change) - but it doesn’t mean that he’s going to live in blissful heaven for the rest of his life.

 

In general, I would like to warn against thinking that married men who cheat on their wives are always malicious, or that they hold all the power in the world in order to manipulate and string women (OW) along, because that’s simply not the case. In general, I think and I have always thought that the OW’s are the ones that hold all the power. Especially if they are single. And: Especially if they are newly single. Like the OP!

They can choose the path of life that they want to choose. Leverage all their experience. What’s more beautiful than that?

[elaine567]

I think the most powerful OW is the single one who treats the MM as a FWB, she doesn't get emotionally involved, she doesn't fall in love and at the end of the day she can replace him quite easily with a new man.

 

Any OW who falls in love is weak and vulnerable.

 

She tends to eventually put up with just about anything from her MM, as she loves him...

[Artdeco]

I think the most powerful OW is the single one who treats the MM as a FWB, she doesn't get emotionally involved, she doesn't fall in love and at the end of the day she can replace him quite easily with a new man.

 

Any OW who falls in love is weak and vulnerable.

 

She tends to eventually put up with just about anything from her MM, as she loves him...

 

That’s exactly right

[BaileyB]

I think the most powerful OW is the single one who treats the MM as a FWB, she doesn't get emotionally involved, she doesn't fall in love and at the end of the day she can replace him quite easily with a new man.

 

Any OW who falls in love is weak and vulnerable.

 

She tends to eventually put up with just about anything from her MM, as she loves him...

 

That doesn’t mean that this is a good plan OP. At the end of the day, he is still legally married to another woman, and a father. Just because he doesn’t respect those boundaries, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to either...

[elaine567]

That doesn’t mean that this is a good plan OP. At the end of the day, he is still legally married to another woman, and a father. Just because he doesn’t respect those boundaries, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to either...

It's far too late for LilKat here, she is already highly emotionally involved and in love...

[BaileyB]

It's far too late for LilKat here, she is already highly emotionally involved and in love...

 

I know. But she is at a crossroads right now and there is a decision to be made... I would like to think that there is always hope, that a change of course is always possible and this may just be your opportunity OP. I hope with some self reflection, you may make a better decision.

[PhoenixRising8]

Who of us hasn’t gone through breakups before. Breakups are always hard. Why does this just feel so much worse than anything ever before. I feel so weak and pathetic. I try not to think about it but it isn’t possible to keep it off my mind. Maybe it’s knowing I can see him if I choose to but know I shouldn’t.

 

I know thinking about it isn’t doing me any good. Or trying to figure out if it was real and he was really conflicted or if it was all an elaborate game. I have no idea how to shut my mind off. Going home to an empty house doesn’t help. I’m so looking forward to December 22 when I will go visit my daughter and then immediately after go to Europe for a couple of weeks. Several weeks with people who love me and not going home to emptiness.

 

If I knew then what I know now I wonder if I still would have done it. If 7 months of sheer happiness and contentment after years of despondency is worth the pain now.

[PhoenixRising8]

You're going to stay confused, angry and hurt as long as you let things continue the way they are.

 

Unfortunately it IS possible to love someone who doesn't treat you well. But there's a reason for the phrase "love isn't enough".

<SNIP>

 

It is only day 4 since we “broke up”. I really want expecting to talk to him yesterday. Knowing our last moments “haunt” him and he hasn’t let go doesn’t make it easier.

 

As for losing him, reality is I can’t lose something that isn’t mine to begin with. Even if every word he uttered is 100% truth, in the eyes of the law, he is someone else’s husband. Unless and until he changes that by leaving, this is as food as it gets.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhoenixRising8]

OP - After all that has transpired after you wrote your first post, I would also recommend that you stay away. Don’t answer any more calls, don’t engage in any email or text message correspondence. It just won’t lead to anything that is significantly different from what you’ve already experienced. <SNIP>

 

There is a big part of me that truly believes he loves me, that this wasn’t / isn’t just a game. I have made home life more tolerable. He has admitted that. He is nowhere near as miserable as he was 8 months ago because he has had me. I guess it is possible he will find my absence may make things less complicated but I don’t see how he can be happy, or even just satisfied. Maybe it’s what he needs to experience. It’s possible he leaves her in the end but the truth is I’m not holding my breath.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Artdeco]

I have made home life more tolerable. He has admitted that. He is nowhere near as miserable as he was 8 months ago because he has had me.

 

Yeah, I’ve heard that 1 million times and I still don’t understand it. Maybe somebody else can elaborate. How does an affair with somebody you love make your home life easier and more bearable? Wouldn’t it be more logical to think that being torn between two women, between the one you want to be with, and the other one who you’re married to, is a total nightmare?

 

My ex MM certainly said that this was the case for him. He tried with his BS but at the end of the day they both knew that he wanted to be with somebody else and he wasn’t happy at home. Totally torn every single minute. Not pleasant. Definitely not fun.

 

But of course I know of other situations, especially on this board, where MM (who are rare “public speakers/posters” by the way) stated that they finally came to their senses and came to understand that the A was just an illusion, a fantasy, and they choose the wife eventually - most of them after a DDay, and that’s a legitimate decision if they want to make it. I don’t blame them. However, it wasn’t true in my case, and I don’t know if those who stayed are now happier....I also don’t know how the wives who did have a DDay can be happy. Knowing that there was a time when the husband wanted to get a divorce for somebody else. And now he is staying, because ?????? A DDay?? fear?

 

It must be very painful and would feel like a subpar R to me. Something I definitely wouldn’t want. But to each their very own!

[WasOtherWoman]

Who of us hasn’t gone through breakups before. Breakups are always hard. Why does this just feel so much worse than anything ever before. I feel so weak and pathetic. I try not to think about it but it isn’t possible to keep it off my mind. Maybe it’s knowing I can see him if I choose to but know I shouldn’t.

 

I know thinking about it isn’t doing me any good. Or trying to figure out if it was real and he was really conflicted or if it was all an elaborate game. I have no idea how to shut my mind off. Going home to an empty house doesn’t help. I’m so looking forward to December 22 when I will go visit my daughter and then immediately after go to Europe for a couple of weeks. Several weeks with people who love me and not going home to emptiness.

 

If I knew then what I know now I wonder if I still would have done it. If 7 months of sheer happiness and contentment after years of despondency is worth the pain now.

 

My heart is breaking for you, LKK. I know that you are driving yourself crazy with all of the questions in your mind. I wish there were something we could say or do to help

[WasOtherWoman]

Yeah, I’ve heard that 1 million times and I still don’t understand it. Maybe somebody else can elaborate. How does an affair with somebody you love make your home life easier and more bearable? Wouldn’t it be more logical to think that being torn between two women, between the one you want to be with, and the other one who you’re married to, is a total nightmare?

 

<SNIP>

 

Having someone else in your life, that doesn't know all of your stories and you don't know theirs, that is fresh, new, exciting, and, ABOVE ALL, thinks you are just "da bomb" is awesome, always.

 

Now couple that with someone who has been married a while, real life has set in, your are not your spouses's number one priority every minute of every day. Having the excitement in your life outside of your main relationship puts a spring in your step....changes your whole out look on life.

 

If that person outside of your marriage is undemanding, even the better. You can compartmentalize, keep things separate. Your "real" life and your other. It works, for a while. Until.... that other someone starts to become demanding. Then, all of a sudden you have problems...

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhoenixRising8]

Yeah, I’ve heard that 1 million times and I still don’t understand it. Maybe somebody else can elaborate. How does an affair with somebody you love make your home life easier and more bearable? Wouldn’t it be more logical to think that being torn between two women, between the one you want to be with, and the other one who you’re married to, is a total nightmare? <SNIP>

 

I think I can explain how our affair made life more tolerable, until recently.

 

We started seeing each other near the end of March. It wasn't the occasional date. Almost immediately, we were seeing each other 3 times a week which then progressed to 4, 5 or even 6 days each week. Each date wasn't a stolen hour here and there. We were spending 3 and 4 hours together. Sometimes longer. I remember our second date was 8 hours long. We had breakfast, went for a long hike and then lunch. We had a pattern. Saturday and Sunday mornings were breakfast and hikes then as the weather got nicer Saturday dates became a picnic at a conservation area. Tuesdays were dinner and a movie. Thursdays were dinner and something else: walk in the park, bowling, mini putt etc. So between work and me, there wasn't much time spent with BS. When they did spend time in proximity to one another, he wasn't comfortable. He says it felt awkward. He would often dash out to run an errand just so he could call me for half an hour. So his home life became less tolerable but life in general, was more tolerable.

 

Now he doesn't have that he'll likely spend more time at the office and gym, as he did before. It's hard to imagine his time with BS will suddenly become more tolerable, especially if he does love me as he says he does and our Sunday parting is haunting him. I don't know how he goes home and doesn't compare, contrast, regret and resent. Maybe he can survive like that forever. I wouldn't want to but I'm not him.

Edited November 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhoenixRising8]

My heart is breaking for you, LKK. I know that you are driving yourself crazy with all of the questions in your mind. I wish there were something we could say or do to help

 

Thanks WOW. Just posting here and getting others perspective and advice does help. It isn't like I can actually talk to many people about this. I don't think I've gone through anything that's been harder.

 

I think what is being overlooked is that I have also lost my best friend. I know there are those that think this is a typical affair. I'm not sure it was then again as a first timer I wouldn't know what typical is. Jim was there every step of the way through my split with STBX. If he weren't genuine and it was all about him, the first 4 months included a lot of drama on my end. He listened to me, held me, comforted me, wiped away my tears and gave me strength to stay the course. He made me feel safe and secure and he made me laugh. In retrospect, I'm not sure I've been nearly as supportive in that the last few weeks with everything that's gone on, I've probably added to the pressure rather than support him in working through it on his own. I've badgered him about how cruel and unfair he was to BS and to me. Maybe I pushed to hard and when he gets super stressed he can retreat. So I guess he gave me 4 months of support with no pressure and I gave him half that time with lots of pressure.

[PhoenixRising8]

It's also possible he's just a guy who avoids conflict.

 

That would make sense since he ended it by text.

 

Yes, he is definitely conflicted and conflict avoidant.

[Beachguy]

I'm sorry u r hurt....I was diagnosed w severe bipolar. And sex addiction. .my ex was awesome...I was very uncaring......

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm sorry u r hurt....I was diagnosed w severe bipolar. And sex addiction. .my ex was awesome...I was very uncaring......

 

Thanks beachguy.

 

Today would have been 8 months ...

[4YearsIn]

This is such a heart wrenching process. All of it. What is so clear is the psychological changes that happen in this situation. The compromises, the excuses, the blindness. This becomes obsession. Thinking about his situation, his wife, the reasons why it doesn’t make sense. It is a full time job to be the OW.

 

At this point my advise to you is realize you won’t figure it out. There aren’t answers. Only more questions and many of them repeated obsessively over and over again. Go to hypnotherapy to help shelf this. It works. Talk to a professional about why you would find this even remotely appealing. The hypnotherapy will help clear out the space so you can examine you.

 

It’s incredibly difficult. But stop now, as hard as it is. Realize the behaviors you experience are those of an addict coming off drugs. And also realize if you don’t stop now you will very much be here the same time next year. And the year after. Best of luck to you.

[PhoenixRising8]

This is such a heart wrenching process. All of it. What is so clear is the psychological changes that happen in this situation. The compromises, the excuses, the blindness. This becomes obsession. Thinking about his situation, his wife, the reasons why it doesn’t make sense. It is a full time job to be the OW.

 

At this point my advise to you is realize you won’t figure it out. There aren’t answers. Only more questions and many of them repeated obsessively over and over again. Go to hypnotherapy to help shelf this. It works. Talk to a professional about why you would find this even remotely appealing. The hypnotherapy will help clear out the space so you can examine you.

 

It’s incredibly difficult. But stop now, as hard as it is. Realize the behaviors you experience are those of an addict coming off drugs. And also realize if you don’t stop now you will very much be here the same time next year. And the year after. Best of luck to you.

 

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that I was unprepared for what an affair entails or how difficult it really is. It was all supposed to be an escape from the miserable reality I was living. That’s it. And it was until it wasn’t. And now it’s not.

 

The truth is that the first 6 months were bliss. The last two have been a downward spiral and the last few weeks, increasingly intolerable. It had become like walking on egg shells and a bed of nails at the same time. I am wondering if I do love him, if he deserves my love and thinking about how much more I deserve. I don’t deserve this and never did. Until a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t feel like the other woman and I felt loved, cherished and like a priority. I no longer feel that way.

 

I am seeing a therapist and have been for many months. But there is so much to process. I tend to overthink because I want to understand. I ask a lot of questions. And you are right, each question leads to many more. That is one of the reasons we got here. He isn’t one to appreciate the over analyzing and the truth is, I gradually stopped being sure the answers were the truth rather than what I wanted to hear so what was the point of asking anyway?

 

I just have to keep telling myself that this too shall pass and I will get to the other side. There is no other option except to continue as is and that’s not particularly appealing.

 

It is still painful and hard and soul crushing

Edited November 23, 2018 by LilKatKat

[WasOtherWoman]

Hey LKK, just checking in.... how are you holding up?

[PhoenixRising8]

Hey LKK, just checking in.... how are you holding up?

 

Hi WOW Thanks for checking in. I’m doing ... it depends on the moment in the day. Not Seeing him is not easy after all the time we have spent together since March. I still don’t believe he was future faking and believe that he really had intended to leave but as Artdeco said, sometimes when they get to that ledge, they find taking that leap is harder than they thought. I know it was for me but my ex made it easy with how malicious he became. If not for that, who knows, I might still be married and living with him also just as Jim is with his wife. Leaving is definitely not easy after decades, despite the unhappiness. You know what they say, better the devil you know...

 

The change in him, how tired and stressed he’s been the last two months indicates to me that it wasn’t just an affair, that the struggle and feelings were real. He has reached out and I have taken a couple of calls. His voice tells me he is struggling as I am. However, in the end, seeing each other, with no future, really isn’t the way I want to live my life. I truly wish things were different, could be different...who knows what the new year will bring with the prolonged absence from each other but I’m not holding out hope. At least I’m looking forward to my girl and me time with my cousins in a few weeks.

[PhoenixRising8]

So he calls but he doesn't say he's filed for divorce?

 

What could he possibly be saying to you that makes it ok to continue wasting your time?

 

The only I can think of is that he's just trying to get you to continue settling for being his OW.

 

We were also friends. Were were very close and shared a lot of ourselves with each other. It wasn’t just the bedroom. As I said before, I feel like I lost my best friend, not just the MM I was having an affair with. He feels the same way. The odd call actually makes it a bit easier.