FMW Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 I'm so happy to read your change in course! The anger is good, it burns away the romantic fog. Keep moving forward, stay strong. He will almost certainly come around again, so be prepared because it will test your will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 I'm so happy to read your change in course! The anger is good, it burns away the romantic fog. Keep moving forward, stay strong. He will almost certainly come around again, so be prepared because it will test your will. I don’t get why he would. If someone said to me the things I did, I wouldn’t dare contact them again. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 If you've read enough of the OM/OW threads here there's an undeniable pattern. It may take a while, even months. But it's a really good bet that he will pop up again to see if you've changed your mind. Learn from our experience and be prepared so you aren't caught off guard and let him get back in. I know you'll say there's no way, but trust me. If you're honest with yourself you know you are still vulnerable to him. And you will be for a long time. It's the nature of the beast. So don't let your guard down. The anger will ebb and flow. It won't just disappear and suddenly you're completely over him. Celebrate your strength but understand you will be vulnerable for a very long time. Don't be too cocky or confident about being done. It's a long process, you're only at the very start of the journey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 If someone said to me the things I did, I wouldn’t dare contact them again. Some MM do not see the OW (or even women in general) as someone he needs to take seriously, so she is wrong, her words are foolish and she didn't really mean them anyway. She was just a little angry and given space she will come round again as he is "da man" and of course she will not be able to resist him... Unfortunately as we see time and again on this forum he is right... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 He will eventually... because he’s lazy and doesn’t want to put effort into grooming another victim. Just don’t go for his lies and promises. He will lay it on thick when he shows up again. Don’t be his victim anymore. You were right. He did contact me. He answered my angry texts. But there was no love bombing. He said he loved me enough to let me find happiness elsewhere. That for now, he had to stay where he is. His daughter is not doing well emotionally and he can't pile on top of that. He thinks of me all the time and will treasure our "precious time together". He may leave at some point but doesn't know when and doesn't think it's fair to keep me hanging on. For me, the anger is gone today and the pain has set in. It actually started last night as I was returning home from a dinner date. The guy was really nice. Divorced 5 years now. We had no difficulty talking and it wasn't awkward in the least. And while he wants to see me again, and I could be friends with him, I wonder if it's fair to him since I feel no spark. We had 2 calls before meeting lasting 4 hours in total. He had the sort of marriage Tom said he has and finally decided he wanted more. He left 13 year old twins to seek out something better for himself. Even though he hasn't found it in the ensuing 5 years but has no regrets because everyone is now happier. I think that was what triggered the change for me. Tom's kids are adults. He had something to look forward to and he walked away from it. I'm left feeling like the throwaway child, wife, friend and now throwaway lover. Tom and I had plans for tonight but no longer. We haven't been together for a week and no prospect to do so in the future. The other couple of times we "ended" it, it never felt final and didn't last beyond a couple of days. This feels final and it hurts like heck. I can't see him again despite the fact that I want to. We had such passion, compatibility and it was so easy. It really was like no other I've ever experienced before. It's hard to imagine finding that again. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 LKK - I'm sorry. I know how devastating it is. I'm right there with you! Your mm and my mm actually are doing the right thing by letting us go. In hindsight, maybe one day we will appreciate that. I have been listening to some great recordings about letting go of relationships by Lanie Stevens. Cutting the Cord, Love Not Returned. etc. I highly recommend them Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 With respect, I really don’t think you are ready to date right now. It’s not fair to the other person, and it’s really not fair to you. You need some time to heal your soul. You are attempting to put a bandaid on the pain, but you need to FEEL it. Don’t do what you did with the end of your marriage, jump from one relationship to another. Look what happened there, you made a poor decision and caused yourself a world of hurt. Get yourself some counselling. Give yourself time. Learn to stand on your own two feet. There is no rush, no need to have a man in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Tom and I had plans for tonight but no longer. We haven't been together for a week and no prospect to do so in the future. The other couple of times we "ended" it, it never felt final and didn't last beyond a couple of days. This feels final and it hurts like heck. I can't see him again despite the fact that I want to. I thought you had already decided to not see him anymore - why did you have plans to see each other tonight? I'm sorry you're hurting, but contrary to what you represented in recent posts, you clearly were not done. All your tough talk was meaningless. Your pain is going to continue until you let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 I thought you had already decided to not see him anymore - why did you have plans to see each other tonight? I'm sorry you're hurting, but contrary to what you represented in recent posts, you clearly were not done. All your tough talk was meaningless. Your pain is going to continue until you let him go. We made plans before we ended it. And I am done. I know I can't go back. I know I have to look forward. I also know that the anger didn't allow me to feel the pain. I have to deal with the pain. You've been there, you know you have to deal with it. Otherwise the poison builds and destroys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 With respect, I really don’t think you are ready to date right now. It’s not fair to the other person, and it’s really not fair to you. You need some time to heal your soul. You are attempting to put a bandaid on the pain, but you need to FEEL it. Don’t do what you did with the end of your marriage, jump from one relationship to another. Look what happened there, you made a poor decision and caused yourself a world of hurt. Get yourself some counselling. Give yourself time. Learn to stand on your own two feet. There is no rush, no need to have a man in your life. No bandaids for me ... just Novocain lol but it wears off. Yes, it isn't fair to the other person. I know I'm just looking for a temporary distraction and not ready to be open to a real relationship. Until I'm over Tom, no one stands a chance, least of all me. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 All your tough talk was meaningless. Your pain is going to continue until you let him go. In fairness, she's not going to let him go overnight! She has progressed in leaps and bonds compared to where she was when the thread started and even from the beginning of this year. She is going to sometimes continue to pine for him, feel empty without him, want to see him, for many more months. And there will be days when she feels tough and strong. Those 2 things are not mutually exclusive. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 The pain started as tonight is your Saturday tryst and sleepover. The fact it is not happening has made it all a bit more real for you. What will he tell his wife tonight? Will he stay home or will he stay out anyway to keep up the pretence? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 In fairness, she's not going to let him go overnight! She has progressed in leaps and bonds compared to where she was when the thread started and even from the beginning of this year. She is going to sometimes continue to pine for him, feel empty without him, want to see him, for many more months. And there will be days when she feels tough and strong. Those 2 things are not mutually exclusive. You are correct Aloha. Thanks for your understanding and support. It is appreciated. He may be able to turn off a year like it never happened but I can't. I can't change what was. That doesn't mean I want to go back. I've been strong all week. Today I am weak. I just have to push through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 The pain started as tonight is your Saturday tryst and sleepover. The fact it is not happening has made it all a bit more real for you. What will he tell his wife tonight? Will he stay home or will he stay out anyway to keep up the pretence? This is true. I don't know what he will tell her and it doesn't matter. That's between them. I am no longer a factor. Perhaps the fact I'm not will bode well for a better marriage for them. Or perhaps it won't. But again, that's their business. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 I know I sound harsh, but it's because the writing was all over the wall and everyone kept telling her. She kept talking tough but was always available for him to contact her and see her. Just like I needed to, she needs to wake up and face reality. That isn't going to happen with continued "poor you" support when she's not taking real action to move on. They met on a dating app - they didn't just happen upon each other and fall in love by chance. I very much doubt OP was his first dalliance (regardless of how convinced she is that she was), nor now that he's distancing himself from OP that she will be his last. His marriage didn't suddenly get better - he's still going to be seeking something extra - just from a source that doesn't make too many demands on him. Again, I know that sounds harsh, but I've been there, done that, and have no patience for refusing to see reality. I don't think the warm and fuzzy support does anything but encourage the romantic reveries. You know how they say ex-smokers are the toughest anti-smoking advocates? I think the same is true of ex-OW (those who have truly moved on). Lessons learned the hard way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Hi LilKatKat, I'll tell you a short story to bore you to tears...I visited my mom a few days ago. My dad died 15 yrs ago and he was the only man she has been with. We are talking and she tells me that a close friend of hers passed away a few days ago and begins to cry. This friend she says is a man that she had come to have strong feelings for and they had become very close. She said, 'I didn't let myself become romantic with him because I was worried about you kids and the money.' First, F the money mom, I didn't say that but yeah it's her money not ours...but skip over that. I said, you didn't have to marry him mom, just love him. You would have thought I was a genius, she hadn't thought of that. As I drove away it occurred to me that the toils of relationships and love never stop. Life is difficult with uneasy/painful choices and that does not stop. People keep on keepin on and doing the best they can. You can do this LilKatKat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 I know I sound harsh, but it's because the writing was all over the wall and everyone kept telling her. She kept talking tough but was always available for him to contact her and see her. Just like I needed to, she needs to wake up and face reality. That isn't going to happen with continued "poor you" support when she's not taking real action to move on. They met on a dating app - they didn't just happen upon each other and fall in love by chance. I very much doubt OP was his first dalliance (regardless of how convinced she is that she was), nor now that he's distancing himself from OP that she will be his last. His marriage didn't suddenly get better - he's still going to be seeking something extra - just from a source that doesn't make too many demands on him. Again, I know that sounds harsh, but I've been there, done that, and have no patience for refusing to see reality. I don't think the warm and fuzzy support does anything but encourage the romantic reveries. You know how they say ex-smokers are the toughest anti-smoking advocates? I think the same is true of ex-OW (those who have truly moved on). Lessons learned the hard way. What on earth makes you think I don't see reality? Of course I see it. I know his marriage didn't just get better overnight. You can't repair a marriage when you are focused elsewhere. I know he will find a new distraction. Whether or not I was the first is irrelevant. Once he's done it once, odds are high he'll do it again, especially since BS has been so accommodating. It isn't like it was a once a week disappearance. It was 3, 4, 5 times a week. So yes, he will find someone else, someone who won't have expectations HE created. No doubt about that. I know what you say about ex-smokers and the analogy is apt here. But how long did it take you to finally go NC and stick to it? Much longer than it's taken me as I recall. And you had your up and down moments. I've been psyching myself up for it since mid November and I'm only one week out. So thanks for understanding. I'm clearly missing the off switch to my pain that you seem to have developed over a much longer time frame than I have had. What do they say about the pot and the kettle? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 He may be able to turn off a year like it never happened but I can't. I can't change what was. That doesn't mean I want to go back You specifically mentioned that you had been planning on seeing him tonight, but now not - because he texted he was letting you go. Otherwise you were going to see him. If you don't want him back it's only semantics because you haven't let him go in the first place. I get it, more than you can know. You are going to hurt for a very long time, so of course you're not going to turn it off. Mine was three years. I hurt every day. I realize I will for some time. I still love him. He's still making efforts to talk to me. But I completely ignore him. He no longer has any access to me, I'm not listening anymore. I hope you get to that point very soon because your recovery can't even begin until you do. Be patient and kind with yourself in moving on, but NOT in allowing yourself to keep the door open and hold out hope. I know you will say you're not, but that doesn't ring true. Otherwise his text wouldn't have been what meant you wouldn't be seeing him tonight, it wouldn't have caused such a brand new wave of despair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 (edited) You can do this LilKatKat. Thank you for the encouragement, it is genuinely appreciated. You gotta love country music ... Well, I saw you down on Sixteenth Holding hands with some new friend There was a time that would've killed me A wrecking ball right through a building As if my world was gonna end But the world kept spinning You're long forgiven And now you're living In the back of my heart I'm not at the point of forgiveness but I know the world will keep spinning and my world won't end. It just requires some reconstruction. So hard to see myself without him, I felt a piece of my heart break, But when you're standing at a crossroad, There's a choice you gotta make. I guess it's gonna have to hurt, I guess I'm gonna have to cry, And let go of some things I've loved, To get to the other side, I guess it's gonna break me down, Like falling when you try to fly, It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, Starts with goodbye. I know there's a blue horizon, Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me, Getting there means leaving things behind, Sometimes life's so bitter sweet. Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 My comments are exactly BECAUSE I've been there. I'm not being harsh with you for entertainment. If you do see reality, I think you still think you can change it. I think you do hold out hope he'll leave his wife and come to you. As I said - I've been there. I'm not helping you, so I'll bow out, once again. I wish you peace and healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 (edited) You specifically mentioned that you had been planning on seeing him tonight, but now not - because he texted he was letting you go. Otherwise you were going to see him. If you don't want him back it's only semantics because you haven't let him go in the first place. Read post #932 please. We made plans for tonight A WEEK AGO and broke it off the FOLLOWING DAY. We have been NC for a week. I have been doing things to get to the end for a while. I cancelled our cruise (unbeknownst to him) on February 5. I wrote a goodbye email February 11 and before I could send it, he was texting me from the plane while seated next to her. The next day, he drove 50 miles in a SNOW STORM to see me saying he had clarity that he couldn't stay with her and it is me he wants. And no, there was no sex involved. He spent VDay with me. I cautiously took these as positives but my intuition kept pushing me to press. And then she tried to break into his phone and suddenly he thinks we should lay low for a bit. I pushed that he never would end it and he said he didn't know he could. So you see, I'm the one that has been orchestrating this. Maybe I needed some help but I knew and know what I need to do. And I'm trying. Today has been tough ... not gonna lie. Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Are you in therapy? I have been in a year and, although it hasn't been a magic cure, it definitely helps. For example, I am really struggling with the urge to contact him, last night and all this morning, but I keep telling myself I just need to make it to my therapist appointment on Monday! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 Are you in therapy? I have been in a year and, although it hasn't been a magic cure, it definitely helps. For example, I am really struggling with the urge to contact him, last night and all this morning, but I keep telling myself I just need to make it to my therapist appointment on Monday! I've been in therapy since the fiasco with the ex almost a year ago. I think that's what has helped me to create enough conflict for it to end. I wanted to just say goodbye but he'd just do or say something to make me rethink. Therapy isn't a magic cure no doubt. It's slow and painful. My next appointment is Friday. Long time between then and now ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Yes, block him, why haven't you? Weather allowing, go for a walk, hike, swim, garden. Inside? Wash curtains, clean trim, paint a wall or four. Move your body, get things done. Call a friend or family. All the time fixated on the deceitful married man, must have left a few things unattended. Take care of your business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 Yeah, he's blocked. If only it were so easy to block him from my thoughts and heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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