Author Frillianlillian Posted October 22, 2018 Author Posted October 22, 2018 (edited) So update: We went shopping for his costume for our Halloween run friday night (I bought mine last week while he was away) then for dinner and to his house to watch a movie we had been talking about. We had sex after the movie and cuddled in bed and pillow talked for like 45 minutes… and then in passing he said “oh remind me before we leave tonight to throw the thrift store things in the wash so they are good to wear for the race tomorrow”. Implying that he had NO intention of me spending the night. I immediately got up and said “will do. I should probably get dressed and get going” so I changed super quick and gave him the cold shoulder the whole drive home. I was sure he could tell i was mad. Like are you kidding me? We have plans in the morning and it’s like 1:00 am… you seriously would rather drive me 20 minutes to my place then 20 minutes back home then 20 minutes AGAIN in the morning to pick me up for the race, rather than just let me stay the night?! I did not have my stuff for the race in the morning with me… but I could have stayed over, waited for him to get ready, had him drive me to my place and I could get ready quickly and then we just go from there. It wasn’t even a night where he would have had to worry about me “hanging around” all day, like I know some of my guy friends hate when they have girls stay over, because we had plans to get to. And even then we still spent the whole day together after the race at his suggestion anyways. WTF. I didn’t bring it up Friday night, because the second he said “remind me when we leave tonight…” I was just instantly pissed off and didn’t even want to talk about it. Then saturday I didn't bring it up then because I had cooled off a bit by then and were were having such a nice day. After talking to my friends about it over brunch on sunday though we all agreed that it was ridiculous that he didn't have me stay friday, but that me being snippy and cold to him wasn't a good reaction and I should have handled it better. He called last night to chat before bed, and I let the conversation go for a bit and then said " So I wanted to talk to you about friday, I know I was a little cold and snippy toward you and I feel badly about that. I was just a little upset that even when we had plans on saturday morning you didn't want me to spend the night. If I am moving too fast for you, I can understand that and try and back off, but I just need to understand if there is reason for you not wanting to spend the night with me, because honestly at this point it is becoming hurtful" He responded to this with: 1) Didn't even notice that I was being snippy friday night and had no idea I was upset with him (WTF) 2) Seems to have it in his head that he has asked me many times to stay and I have apparently said "no", so he figured when I got up to get ready it meant that I wanted to just go home... which I don't get. Because all he ever says is "Are you sure you are okay to drive home?" when I drive, and doesn't even say that when he drives me...that is not asking me to stay, and I'm not going to invite myself to spend the night at your house. 3) Said "well of course you can stay whenever you want, it just seemed like you wanted to go home, so I don't care what time it is if you want to go then I'll drive you whenever you want, I'm not going to make you stay. If you want to stay that's always welcome and it would be nice if you did." W.T.F. I can only conclude that he is confusing and clearly our communication needs some work. I am obviously not the only one here that thinks that it's not my place to just invite myself to spend the night, if he wanted me to stay he should have said "I would like you to stay". I don't know how he could expect me to know that he wanted me to stay the night. But I guess I should have just talked to him about this earlier. So thank you to those that provided advice and encouraged me to just talk to him about it, it didn't go nearly as bad as I worried it would. I was afraid asking about it could come off as clingy and needy, but he told me after that he wished I would have just said something the first time it bothered me so he could have communicated with me about it right away, rather than it going unspoken and me getting more upset. Also thank you to the couple paranoid catastrophizers that chimed in, a few responses did give me a good laugh, it's always nice to re-confirm that you aren't as crazy as you could be. Please don't key your boyfriends' cars. Edited October 22, 2018 by Frillianlillian 2
Gaeta Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 That's all nice and dandy but it doesn't address the relationship not escalating to more than 1-2 dates a week. Personally it never worked with engineers. They tend to lack spontaneity and passion. They're too cerebral.
bathtub-row Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 Still seems odd to me. I’m curious to see how often he follows through on you staying over. As catastrophic and humorous as the comments might seem, his lame excuses for why he hasn’t invited you to stay over are also amusing. At best, he’s extremely socially inept. At worst, he just told the worst lie ever.
Saracena Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 (edited) It would have been SO much better to have had this conversation face-to-face so you could guage his initial reaction etc and now, of course he's been given the heads-up...…. Frankly, I don't believe him. I'm sure you'd have remembered if you had been asked to stay or an occasion when (if) he orotested at the fact you had to go! In fact, I find the latter even stranger...…… Still believe it's him who wants to keep you at arms length.....Sorry. l ETA Have dated lots of engineers (current boyfriend and brother/friends are) and have never found any of them to be lacking in social or communication skillls! Edited October 22, 2018 by Saracena
salparadise Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 Also thank you to the couple paranoid catastrophizers that chimed in, a few responses did give me a good laugh, it's always nice to re-confirm that you aren't as crazy as you could be. Please don't key your boyfriends' cars. Perfect! :laugh:
MaleIntuition Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 I didn’t see this thread until now, good that you don’t let the paranoia of others ruining a promising relationship. The only issue here, as I see it, is that you both where trying to guess what the other one wanted. He assumed that you, because you got dressed (?) prefered to sleep at home while you were waiting for an invitation. So; less guessing and and more talking! Men are, generally, terrible at reading minds. 2
bathtub-row Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 I didn’t see this thread until now, good that you don’t let the paranoia of others ruining a promising relationship. The only issue here, as I see it, is that you both where trying to guess what the other one wanted. He assumed that you, because you got dressed (?) prefered to sleep at home while you were waiting for an invitation. So; less guessing and and more talking! Men are, generally, terrible at reading minds. Yeah, she should’ve talked to him initially but I think you can see where his behavior is off, even for any non-mind-reading guy. I still think what he said is lame but I’ll concede that the initial advice should’ve been to talk to him about it, although that’s rarely productive when someone is lying or hiding something. Time will tell on this one. 2
Gaeta Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 less guessing and and more talking! Men are, generally, terrible at reading minds. Men are terrible at reading minds I agree BUT they are very good at going after what they want and asking what they want, and this one never wanted bad enough that OP stay for the night. I don't know one man that don't enjoy sleeping the night next to his gf. Four months went by and this man NEVER said the words about your spend the night here? big meh! 2
Saracena Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 I don't know one man that don't enjoy sleeping the night next to his gf. Four months went by and this man NEVER said the words about your spend the night here? big meh! You see this is exactly why I'm sceptical. Even if he believed OP preferred to go home, surely at some point along the line, he'd have a) voiced some objection or other b) stated he'd prefer her to stay. It's not as if OP has given him any solid reasons as to why she wishes to go home on these occasions, either. I think, if he truly wanted her to stay over, he's had ample opportunity to voice some form of dissatisfaction with her always leaving early, during their four months of dating. 2
MaleIntuition Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I don’t think he is hiding anything at all. Gaeta, you are probably not used to dateing the, uhm, overtly “nice-guy” if you think all men are good at going after what they want. In this case it sounds like this man has a bit of a nice-guy dilemma going on. He is trying to please OP, and communicates indirectly rather than in a more direct manner. After all; he was under the impression that he had asked: “you sure your okey driving home?” and; sure, not very clear, but that can be interpreted as why not stay?. 1
Gaeta Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I don’t think he is hiding anything at all. Gaeta, you are probably not used to dating the, uhm, overtly “nice-guy” if you think all men are good at going after what they want. I think after 4 months Mister-nice-guy excuse doesn't apply anymore. This is a woman he's grown familiar with, has sex with each week, is exclusive with. I would accept your theory if they were newly dating and he'd be afraid to make a faux-pas but not at where they're at in dating. And why would he be afraid his invitation at staying over is inappropriate but doesn't think driving his gf of 4 months back home after sex at 2 a.m. isn't?
grassisorisntgreener Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 Can you invite him over to stay the night at your place and see if he agrees? 1
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 You see this is exactly why I'm sceptical. Even if he believed OP preferred to go home, surely at some point along the line, he'd have a) voiced some objection or other b) stated he'd prefer her to stay. It's not as if OP has given him any solid reasons as to why she wishes to go home on these occasions, either. I think, if he truly wanted her to stay over, he's had ample opportunity to voice some form of dissatisfaction with her always leaving early, during their four months of dating. This is where he falls down. Makes no sense. Guys who are into you want you to stay, why wouldn't they? Sleeping together builds bonds. Morning sex, cuddles, fun, lazy breakfast, then lunch out etc. etc. This sex, then drive home... Bye... is alien to me. 1
Lorenza Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 If you can invite a man to...um... your body, you should be able to handle "inviting yourself" to his house. It's funny how sex is less intimate than a lot of trivial things. The OP should have opened up before she has driven herself to this state of frustration and confusion. That being said, the guy seem to have ussues with intimacy. I don't believe someone who is wise enough to open doors, carry your stuff and all in all act like a perfect gentlement would not figure out that the woman would probably prefer staying over rather than driving home in the middle of the night. You should both work a lot on your communication, cause at this point it's not very effective. 3
Saracena Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 . After all; he was under the impression that he had asked: “you sure your okey driving home?” and; sure, not very clear, but that can be interpreted as why not stay?. Actually this crossed my mind too at one point but then I dismissed it given the length of time this has gone on and his silence on the matter. Otherwise, I'm all too aware, believe me of how misunderstandings/miscommunications can lead to relationship breakdowns.(I was, incidentally going to start a thread on this, given a recent experience of my own, which reminded me of this) OP I'm interested in knowing the exact set of circumstances when led to your getting up and setting off for home on the first occasion when you two had sex.Has HE ever stayed over at yours at any stage?
MaleIntuition Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I think after 4 months Mister-nice-guy excuse doesn't apply anymore. This is a woman he's grown familiar with, has sex with each week, is exclusive with. I would accept your theory if they were newly dating and he'd be afraid to make a faux-pas but not at where they're at in dating. And why would he be afraid his invitation at staying over is inappropriate but doesn't think driving his gf of 4 months back home after sex at 2 a.m. isn't? I think it’s more like a routine they establishes early on. He kept assuming, based on her behaviour (getting dressed) that she prefered to go home and she kept assuming he didn’t want her there. Sure - it’s a boring, non conspiracy explanations, but maybe it’s the most likely one? 2
cdjudd Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I would say start by addressing the issue as to why he doesn't want you to stay over, as that strikes me as odd if he is this smitten with you. If you don't get an answer that makes much sense to you then you have something to worry about. I know someone said you can scope out his place and see if you see anything odd which I would ONLY use as a last resort. However, once you start spying and snooping, it will usually go down hill from there when it comes to your trust with him. Also, if you somehow get busted, you are more than likely going to lose him.
bathtub-row Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 I think it’s more like a routine they establishes early on. He kept assuming, based on her behaviour (getting dressed) that she prefered to go home and she kept assuming he didn’t want her there. Sure - it’s a boring, non conspiracy explanations, but maybe it’s the most likely one? It’s got nothing to do with exciting drama and conspiracy. The title of her thread is “Is this normal?” No, it isn’t - not by a long shot.
Larry56 Posted October 23, 2018 Posted October 23, 2018 Lol. Listen to all these amazing stories. I didn't do even 80% of what this guy did to my current gf. Definitely sounds like he likes you. I would never do all these romantic things ever unless I was married to the chick. But be careful lady, if you get all needy and angry I would relegate you to the sex zone and its hard to get out of that if you put yourself there. Guys are testing you every step of the way.
ar1489 Posted October 24, 2018 Posted October 24, 2018 I didn’t see this thread until now, good that you don’t let the paranoia of others ruining a promising relationship. The only issue here, as I see it, is that you both where trying to guess what the other one wanted. He assumed that you, because you got dressed (?) prefered to sleep at home while you were waiting for an invitation. So; less guessing and and more talking! Men are, generally, terrible at reading minds. I'm with you on this one!! Maybe I'm in the minority but my mind doesn't automatically go to "cheater & liar". I think he probably just sees a pattern that you go home after dates (whether its because you want to or not) and assumes its because thats your choice and it's what you want to do. I'm an engineer, we're actually kinda simple. If it looks like it makes sense, then it makes sense, we don't need to think too deeply about it. 1
SeekingJoy Posted October 29, 2018 Posted October 29, 2018 I agree with ar1489 and MaleIntuition. Seems like normal miscommunication of desires and needs to me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 1
bathtub-row Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Hey, Frilli - how are things with you and your bf? Did you guys get everything worked out?
SevenCity Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 This seems like a clear cut case of not correctly reading each other’s minds. This is why communication is so important in a relationship. You’ll not get very far if you are unwilling to communicate your needs and get upset the guy doesn’t fulfill them. This guy sounds like he’s over the moon for you as I wouldn’t do 20% of this stuff for anyone, gf or wife.
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