Frillianlillian Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 (edited) Ive been dating this guy (35) for 4 months, been exclusive for 2.5 of them. I'm bat**** crazy about him, he's he best guy I've ever dated. He's extremely polite and such a gentleman (I haven't touched a doorhandle since we met, carries everything for me, insists on picking me up 99% of the time, even now still will very rarely let me pay the bill, even though I fight him on it I usually have to trick him into letting me pay for things) just super amazing. He's so kind to me, has a great relationship with his family (I have a firm no "mother issues" policy now, so this was a relief!), great morals/values (doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, ect), fantastic yet demanding career (engineer that works in the field a lot), and owns his own home. There has only been once instance where I have had to confront him and it was when I found a bumble profile of his up through a friend. Turned out to be inocent, he thought deleteing the app deleted the account, when I confronted him upset and crying he let me look at his phone and redownloaded the app and deactivated the account right there in front of me. We get along so well, talk for hours about absolutely nothing and he actually, wait for it, PAYS ATTENTION to me when I talk! What a catch right? Here's my problem: It's been four amazing months.... But I just don't feel like it's progressed!!! 1) We still only see eachother 1-2 times a week, In my experience there is usually that "honeymoon" phase where you want to see eachother all the time. Even when we started having sex it didn't increase, like shouldn't he want to be all over me?! The sex with him is FANTASTIC too, best I've ever had. He's very affectionate when he sees me, and will call me a couple times a week between dates...but the actual time we spend together has not increased. 2) Despite the fact that we have been having sex for two months I've never been invited to stay over for the night. If I have driven myself to his home and it is late he will ask as I get ready "are you sure it's not too late for you to drive?", so he is concerned about my safety, but it's not like he is telling me he wants me to stay over. I have always felt that sleeping beside your partner is such a big part of growing that bond. I live 20 minutes from him, and there have been times where I will still be there at 2am on a friday and I can see he is tired, yet he will STILL drive me all the way home. Everyone I have asked about this thinks that after four months it is weird. I don't want to ask him about this, because then I'll feel like if he does ask me to stay it's only because I said something. I want him to ask me to and know that he is doing it because he wants me there. He is 100% not seeing anyone else, I'm at his place all the time late into the night...there is no other sign of a woman there, and when we aren't together I either get a phone call, paragraphs of texts, or if he is out I know where he is, and I have met his best friends. He is kind of an introvert, and he does seem very private (ie he has never said anything about his past relationships or anything like that)... But does that seem like a reasonable explanation for this? I'm so smitten with this guy, it's approaching the L-word territory for me, but I'm afraid to let myself feel those things when it feels like he isn't there yet, given the lack of progress. Edited October 19, 2018 by Frillianlillian
bathtub-row Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 My guess is, he’s hiding something. Either he’s married and his wife works odd shifts, or he has a gf, or he’s gay. This is NOT normal behavior at all. It’s dealbreaker behavior. 1
Author Frillianlillian Posted October 19, 2018 Author Posted October 19, 2018 My guess is, he’s hiding something. Either he’s married and his wife works odd shifts, or he has a gf, or he’s gay. This is NOT normal behavior at all. It’s dealbreaker behavior. Absolutely not. I'm at his house every weekend either friday or saturday night. He does not have another woman hidden anywhere.
bathtub-row Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 Absolutely not. I'm at his house every weekend either friday or saturday night. He does not have another woman hidden anywhere. He’s hiding something. I’ll bet if you parked yourself outside his house for several hours or followed him, or hired a PI, you’d find something you didn’t expect - or like.
snowcones Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 I don't think he's seeing anyone else but I would tell him that I feel like a whore having to go home after sex. The longer you let this go on without saying something, the more he's going to look at you like you're crazy when you bring it up.
Gaeta Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 He sounds lile a guy that enjoys a fancy escort not a girlfriend. Basically you're on his agenda twice a week for sex. I think too he's hiding something.
Author Frillianlillian Posted October 19, 2018 Author Posted October 19, 2018 (edited) He sounds lile a guy that enjoys a fancy escort not a girlfriend. Basically you're on his agenda twice a week for sex. I think too he's hiding something. But we don't have sex every time we see eachother, I would say only half of our dates end in the bedroom. He does plenty of boyfriend things, sex is never the focus of our time together. In four months I think we have "netflix and chilled" maybe three times? And one of those times was when we had other plans lined up and then I got the flu so he came over with soup and movies. Every other time we see eachother it's a date (dinner, cooking classes, amusement parks, local lake days, concernts, bowling, fairs ect.). The weeks I see him once is when he is sent to the compressor stations out of town for work, so he is gone for 4 days, when he is actually here all week I see him twice. I've dated guys that want "agenda sex", you can usually spot them a mile away if you pay attention. I really don't see that as a possibility here. I think something is up, but I don't know what. My main suspicions are: A) Intimacy issues B) Doesn't like to move too fast and is worried I'll try and "move in" or something C) Cultural thing? He's not from north america, he is from eastern europe. Moved here with his parents at 20. Edited October 19, 2018 by Frillianlillian
bathtub-row Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 I don’t think anyone implied it was only about sex. But his behavior is off, and that almost always leads to a path of lies.
salparadise Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 My bet is that it's more related to intimacy issues. He probably has an emotional need to keep some distance, protect his privacy, and values his solitude. I think you should broach the topic. The next time he asks if you think it's too late to drive home, ask him how it would feel to him if you stayed over. And if it seems appropriate ask him why he has not asked you before. I think you just need to get it out in the open where you know what you're dealing with. I don't think he's hiding anything sinister, like a wife or girlfriend or boyfriend. I think it's hilarious that someone would jump to that conclusion without any reason. 3
alphamale Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 Cultural thing? He's not from north america, he is from eastern europe. that explains a lot
norudder Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 I've been like this with guys. I'm working on my comfort with emotional intimacy combined with shared space. I like having my space and especially need a degree of solitude after I feel the emotional has been growing to process. I was more distant with guys I liked but wasn't sure I'd be all that into for much longer for growing a relationship with. So maybe it's as others have said, intimacy issues or likes you but not into you "enough". But that could still evolve if you want to give it more time. What about him staying over at your place? Would he be comfortable with that? That way it's less like taking over his space and he has the subconscious security of freedom to leave. Up to you if it's worth dealing with this attachment style. 1
Dis Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Tisk, tisk, tisk, OP You are NOT 100% sure he's not seeing someone else. Why? Because of the following... 1. You're not with him 100% of the time 2. He's treating you like a booty call 4 months in 3. He claimed he thought uninstalling the bumble app would delete his profile... :lmao::lmao: That is the funniest lie I've ever heard. The sad part about it is, you actually bought it Pull your head out of the sand, OP 2
Dis Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 I've been like this with guys. I'm working on my comfort with emotional intimacy combined with shared space. I like having my space and especially need a degree of solitude after I feel the emotional has been growing to process. I was more distant with guys I liked but wasn't sure I'd be all that into for much longer for growing a relationship with. So maybe it's as others have said, intimacy issues or likes you but not into you "enough". But that could still evolve if you want to give it more time. What about him staying over at your place? Would he be comfortable with that? That way it's less like taking over his space and he has the subconscious security of freedom to leave. Up to you if it's worth dealing with this attachment style. Huh? What is the question?
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 But we don't have sex every time we see eachother, I would say only half of our dates end in the bedroom. He does plenty of boyfriend things, sex is never the focus of our time together. In four months I think we have "netflix and chilled" maybe three times? And one of those times was when we had other plans lined up and then I got the flu so he came over with soup and movies. Every other time we see eachother it's a date (dinner, cooking classes, amusement parks, local lake days, concernts, bowling, fairs ect.). The weeks I see him once is when he is sent to the compressor stations out of town for work, so he is gone for 4 days, when he is actually here all week I see him twice. I've dated guys that want "agenda sex", you can usually spot them a mile away if you pay attention. I really don't see that as a possibility here. I think something is up, but I don't know what. My main suspicions are: A) Intimacy issues B) Doesn't like to move too fast and is worried I'll try and "move in" or something C) Cultural thing? He's not from north america, he is from eastern europe. Moved here with his parents at 20. D) Has sleep apnea and is embarassed About you offer him a 3rd date and see his answer to that?
Dis Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Oh and my bf is Eastern European too and he was honest and all in from the get go Introduced me to his family Took it upon himself to delete his dating profile Sleep overs when I felt comfortable Saw each other about 3 times a week Moved in when we felt ready Still nothing shady or distant to this day What your guy is doing isn't cultural. It's a lying thing. 1
hippychick3 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Tisk, tisk, tisk, OP You are NOT 100% sure he's not seeing someone else. Why? Because of the following... 1. You're not with him 100% of the time 2. He's treating you like a booty call 4 months in 3. He claimed he thought uninstalling the bumble app would delete his profile... :lmao::lmao: That is the funniest lie I've ever heard. The sad part about it is, you actually bought it Pull your head out of the sand, OP Especially considering he's an engineer. He's a smart dude. I'm sure he knows how these things work. I don't believe there's no one else somewhere. This scenario is very, very strange. 1
Logo Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Frillianlillian, Have you two ever slept together throughout the night and into the next day? You've mentioned sex, but it's not clear if you have spent an entire night sleeping in the same bed. Has that happened?
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) Here's my problem: It's been four amazing months.... But I just don't feel like it's progressed!!! 1) We still only see eachother 1-2 times a week, In my experience there is usually that "honeymoon" phase where you want to see eachother all the time. Even when we started having sex it didn't increase, like shouldn't he want to be all over me?! The sex with him is FANTASTIC too, best I've ever had. He's very affectionate when he sees me, and will call me a couple times a week between dates...but the actual time we spend together has not increased. We still only see each other 1-2 times a week -- At four months of dating and intimacy, there is no reason you should not open a conversation about what your needs are and this is a negotiable thing. If he's likes a little more space than you do but one more day would work for you, see if he's agreeable to that. You shouldn't be using "early dating" thought process at this point which is about not rushing or seeming eager, or scaring him away, etc. Your having sex with the guy, you can talk to him. Despite the fact that we have been having sex for two months I've never been invited to stay over for the night. -- That's a little off, but again, I don't know why you can't communicate with him. If you'd prefer not to broach that subject, show him what you want, invite him to your place and tell him to bring a change of clothes sometime. Beyond all this, have you two ever had a quality discussion about your goals are for a relationship? Is he looking for a long-term relationship leading to marriage? Are you? What do each of you want for yourselves and with each other? You start by making a simple statement about your goals for yourself -- "You know, Xname, I'm hoping to have a long-term relationship for myself with goal of marriage and children,etc. by Xtime". Or "you know, XName, I've been enjoying the time we spend together. I'd like to see you more often. Not everyday at this point, but I'm thinking we are at a point where we should spend a little more time together. How do you feel about this?" You're trying to read his mind and pre-empt or manipulate. You say you want him to ask you to stay over. That's not really fair to him. You want him to read your mind and, if he's not doing it right, you're feeling resentful. Get out of his head and let him speak like the grown man he is. Communicate and don't worry about hearing something you don't want to hear. Go in with a positive attitude and deal with what comes as it comes. If he bails because you have a real conversation with him, it won't be because you opened a serious conversation, it will be that he's just not on the same page anyway. It's not like you're having this conversation after a month. Again, your having sex with the guy. You're entitled to clarification. Edited October 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Frillianlillian, Have you two ever slept together throughout the night and into the next day? You've mentioned sex, but it's not clear if you have spent an entire night sleeping in the same bed. Has that happened? No, she explains it on 2) Even if it's 2 am and she is tired he will not offer and he takes her back or let her go home
Ami1uwant Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) Ive been dating this guy (35) for 4 months, been exclusive for 2.5 of them. I'm bat**** crazy about him, he's he best guy I've ever dated. He's extremely polite and such a gentleman (I haven't touched a doorhandle since we met, carries everything for me, insists on picking me up 99% of the time, even now still will very rarely let me pay the bill, even though I fight him on it I usually have to trick him into letting me pay for things) just super amazing. He's so kind to me, has a great relationship with his family (I have a firm no "mother issues" policy now, so this was a relief!), great morals/values (doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, ect), fantastic yet demanding career (engineer that works in the field a lot), and owns his own home. There has only been once instance where I have had to confront him and it was when I found a bumble profile of his up through a friend. Turned out to be inocent, he thought deleteing the app deleted the account, when I confronted him upset and crying he let me look at his phone and redownloaded the app and deactivated the account right there in front of me. We get along so well, talk for hours about absolutely nothing and he actually, wait for it, PAYS ATTENTION to me when I talk! What a catch right? Here's my problem: It's been four amazing months.... But I just don't feel like it's progressed!!! 1) We still only see eachother 1-2 times a week, In my experience there is usually that "honeymoon" phase where you want to see eachother all the time. Even when we started having sex it didn't increase, like shouldn't he want to be all over me?! The sex with him is FANTASTIC too, best I've ever had. He's very affectionate when he sees me, and will call me a couple times a week between dates...but the actual time we spend together has not increased. 2) Despite the fact that we have been having sex for two months I've never been invited to stay over for the night. If I have driven myself to his home and it is late he will ask as I get ready "are you sure it's not too late for you to drive?", so he is concerned about my safety, but it's not like he is telling me he wants me to stay over. I have always felt that sleeping beside your partner is such a big part of growing that bond. I live 20 minutes from him, and there have been times where I will still be there at 2am on a friday and I can see he is tired, yet he will STILL drive me all the way home. Everyone I have asked about this thinks that after four months it is weird. I don't want to ask him about this, because then I'll feel like if he does ask me to stay it's only because I said something. I want him to ask me to and know that he is doing it because he wants me there. He is 100% not seeing anyone else, I'm at his place all the time late into the night...there is no other sign of a woman there, and when we aren't together I either get a phone call, paragraphs of texts, or if he is out I know where he is, and I have met his best friends. He is kind of an introvert, and he does seem very private (ie he has never said anything about his past relationships or anything like that)... But does that seem like a reasonable explanation for this? I'm so smitten with this guy, it's approaching the L-word territory for me, but I'm afraid to let myself feel those things when it feels like he isn't there yet, given the lack of progress. Need more info..... What is your dating history? What is his? Has he been married or had a LTR before? How far apart do you live? Do you have children? Work an early schedule? My thoughts.... He is an engineer...he is smart but probably socially awkward or some form of aspergers. He may not be good at reading your non verbal cues. If you told him early in the relationship that you couldn’t stay over and needed to be home to get up early he might respect that and not insist on you staying over. Do you ask him to stay over? He may be so polite he waits for you to ask things or initiate things. I don’t think he is cheating or still looking. When I was in a relationship me and her lived 25 min apart if there wasn’t traffic issues. It was hard for me to go to her place after work then return home. I didn’t go over to her place much during a work week of Monday-Thursday night. She had a child di she didn’t come to my place much during the week. She didn’t say/ask anything about staying over so I never assumed to do that. When you are older and more responsible on your career you don’t change radically and drop everything to see the person you are dating. Edited October 20, 2018 by Ami1uwant 2
hippychick3 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Need more info..... What is your dating history? What is his? Has he been married or had a LTR before? How far apart do you live? Do you have children? Work an early schedule? My thoughts.... He is an engineer...he is smart but probably socially awkward or some form of aspergers. He may not be good at reading your non verbal cues. If you told him early in the relationship that you couldn’t stay over and needed to be home to get up early he might respect that and not insist on you staying over. Do you ask him to stay over? He may be so polite he waits for you to ask things or initiate things. I don’t think he is cheating or still looking. When I was in a relationship me and her lived 25 min apart if there wasn’t traffic issues. It was hard for me to go to her place after work then return home. I didn’t go over to her place much during a work week of Monday-Thursday night. She had a child di she didn’t come to my place much during the week. She didn’t say/ask anything about staying over so I never assumed to do that. When you are older and more responsible on your career you don’t change radically and drop everything to see the person you are dating. This may be a stretch. If this were really ASD, it would manifest in others ways other than him not wanting her to spend the night. This would not be the only sign. He seems to be socially aware and socially normal in his other interactions with the OP. A man who is crazy about a woman wants to wake up next to her the next morning...at least once! 1
bathtub-row Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Tisk, tisk, tisk, OP You are NOT 100% sure he's not seeing someone else. Why? Because of the following... 1. You're not with him 100% of the time 2. He's treating you like a booty call 4 months in 3. He claimed he thought uninstalling the bumble app would delete his profile... :lmao::lmao: That is the funniest lie I've ever heard. The sad part about it is, you actually bought it Pull your head out of the sand, OP Amen. Especially #3 - an engineer who's educated in AutoCad, higher maths, and Physics but thinks uninstalling an app clears out something in cyberspace. Yeah, they're that dumb. 1
Chilli Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) He sounds pretty busy , is he ? l don't necessarily think it's with someone else though. Don't know how he'd swing that anyway with things you've said , time. But l'd be checking it out though non the less, never know. 4mths , you should by now know more than enough about him culturally to know anything about his intimacy beliefs and ways, relationship views. But for a start l'm half European , ex w was European and so is gf now and she'd hit me cross the head with a brick if l talked about making love like you are sex sex sex, that could be turning him off alone dogs do sex, humans make love. For a start try being a bit more sensitive and passionate about all that, it could be a big thing, would with me and 10x ex w or gf. But l'm afraid it might be more like lack of interest over all and in the relationship itself. Only you two can know about all of this though, you gotta talk why have you talked to him, a lot , get to his heart in what's going on before you get any further involved. Edited October 20, 2018 by Chilli
Saracena Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Oh! He's most likely hiding something, whatever that is, it's hard to guess. I could range from something very simple like he wets the bed (yes, it does happen!) or something a bit more shady! My first thoughts were, he doesn't want to get too close to you for whatever reason. You've mentioned you know little or nothing about his past relationships. I'm wondering (as I've seen this happen before with friends) if there's an ex who lives nearby he's hoping to rekindle things with/or someone else he's got his eye on. A friend of mine wondered why she was being ushered out early in the morning by her then boyfriend when she stayed over. Turned out he had his eye on his then secretary (he ran a business from home) and wished to give the impression he was single! Of course none of this may apply to your situation, just throwing it out there. The only persons who knows what up is him. So ask him. Has he ever stayed over/or refused to at yours?
Recommended Posts