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OMG what happened! I'm too old for dating and need a translator.


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Posted
I’m kind of expressing my frustrations but also including some of the most arbitrary and annoying behaviors I’ve come across.

 

It’s serious enough that I hear it often in the real world and it drives me up the wall trying to figure out if there are any sane and mature people out there. Ok, it’s not that bad. But it’s frustrating.

 

Each gender has developed for itself a set of dating rules. So it seems.

 

 

I want to be myself. If I like someone I’ve just met, I don’t want to sit around for 3 days waiting to ask her out nor do I want to have to wait a week if we both happen to have the rest of the day free and it’s a beautiful day. Why not take advantage of it and enjoy it?

 

 

I guess what I’m saying, in today’s dating world, you’re going to have to grow very thick skin. Have the resilience and tenacity of an ant and be sure to drink your protein shake before the date because you’re going to be taking a Personality Aptitude Test by the other person — not simply enjoying the date or getting to know the other person— and you better pass it or else your date will be back catalogue shopping.

 

 

Ok. I’m finished. That was cathartic.

 

 

 

To be candid, I’ve learned a lot about other people’s relationship problems on LS, but at the same time I’m getting a glimpse into the mindsets of other people’s significant others, those who’ve wronged them, or played games with them or lied to them. All that, in addition to my own experiences. {Deep breath} lol

 

I want to be myself. This is exactly how I feel and I feel like I'm having to learn ways to play a game being someone else. I prefer freedom from rules and to just be myself. But obviously i'm willing to learn as being myself isn't getting me anywhere!

  • Author
Posted

S2B it won't let me quote you.

 

So these guys who want sex early on, I'm presuming they're not out for a relationship then? I understand people who are just interested in sex and I always make it clear straight away that I'm not.

 

I have met many though who pretend they want a relationship but when sex isn't on the table they ghost.

 

This guy put a lot of effort into the meal he'd made for the third date, dressing up and spending most of the night questioning me about my life and relationships. It kind of felt promising since I'd already taken sex off the table firmly on the second date explaining I don't like to jump into physicality without getting to know someone better.

Posted
S2B it won't let me quote you.

 

So these guys who want sex early on, I'm presuming they're not out for a relationship then? I understand people who are just interested in sex and I always make it clear straight away that I'm not.

 

I have met many though who pretend they want a relationship but when sex isn't on the table they ghost.

 

This guy put a lot of effort into the meal he'd made for the third date, dressing up and spending most of the night questioning me about my life and relationships. It kind of felt promising since I'd already taken sex off the table firmly on the second date explaining I don't like to jump into physicality without getting to know someone better.

 

 

I guess you probably didn't pass the "interrogation" stage.

 

Sex is sex, you are an adult, some people have sex first date and are still a couple 20 years later, others wait a year and split up at one year one week later. Having sex early or late may have nothing whatsoever to do with whether a person wants a relationship or not.

People who are used to having sex a lot or have a high sex drive, are usually not going to play games waiting for some mystical time when it is "right".

It is more about the people involved and how it feels rather than about "rules".

  • Author
Posted

Well I definitely didn't feel that waiting to have sex is playing games tbh. I understand that some people are happy sleeping with anyone they're seeing on a date, but I'm not. I'm sad that some people might see it as playing games.

 

So for everyone who's kindly contributed to helping me out, do you think there's any merit in me contacting him in case it was my fault by multi-dating and getting impatient with him?

 

Or is it best left alone one the assumption that he's just an idiot who was out for what he could get?

Posted

I think you did enough of contacting him.

Leave him alone.

 

The time to take the hint was when that unforeseen tax return showed up...

People who are interested act interested.

Posted (edited)
Well I definitely didn't feel that waiting to have sex is playing games tbh. I understand that some people are happy sleeping with anyone they're seeing on a date, but I'm not. I'm sad that some people might see it as playing games.

 

So for everyone who's kindly contributed to helping me out, do you think there's any merit in me contacting him in case it was my fault by multi-dating and getting impatient with him?

 

Or is it best left alone one the assumption that he's just an idiot who was out for what he could get?

 

You should not reach out to him. His silence is sending a message. The ball is in his court since you left him with that question. You should not assume he is an "idiot". You seem to be a little too attached to a guy you'd only had a few dates with spread out over 4 months and expecting to be treated more like a serious dating prospect. It seems to me that there just wasn't good communication between you about dating goals and expectations. If this guy had actually had sex with you and disappeared without a word, then I'd call him an idiot, perhaps.

 

There is nothing wrong with waiting to have sex especially in this case. The guy dropped out of sight for months which is a big sign of low interest, but you pursued him and attempted to rekindle. I'd say he was more likely just trying to be polite/nice about not really wanting to date you again, but just didn't know how to do it which by itself says he isn't a good dating prospect because he's not a good communicator.

 

Leave it alone and start dating other people. Stop being in his head and be in yours -- the guy was a weak dating prospect at best and that's really all you know.

 

OP, you're kind of acting like a novice fisherman who get a nibble and gets over anxious about setting the hook because they don't want it to get away. Usually, what happens in those cases, is that the fish gets hooked in the eye.

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  • Author
Posted
I think you did enough of contacting him.

Leave him alone.

 

The time to take the hint was when that unforeseen tax return showed up...

People who are interested act interested.

 

But he cancelled for that evening and rescheduled straight away. It was the first time he'd rescheduled so I didn't think that was an immediate low interest.

 

It sounds like I need to have a 1 strike and he's out policy.

  • Author
Posted
You should not reach out to him. His silence is sending a message. The ball is in his court since you left him with that question. You should not assume he is an "idiot". You seem to be a little too attached to a guy you'd only had a few dates with spread out over 4 months and expecting to be treated more like a serious dating prospect. It seems to me that there just wasn't good communication between you about dating goals and expectations. If this guy had actually had sex with you and disappeared without a word, then I'd call him an idiot, perhaps.

 

There is nothing wrong with waiting to have sex especially in this case. The guy dropped out of sight for months which is a big sign of low interest, but you pursued him and attempted to rekindle. I'd say he was more likely just trying to be polite/nice about not really wanting to date you again, but just didn't know how to do it which by itself says he isn't a good dating prospect because he's not a good communicator.

 

Leave it alone and start dating other people. Stop being in his head and be in yours -- the guy was a weak dating prospect at best and that's really all you know.

 

OP, you're kind of acting like a novice fisherman who get a nibble and gets over anxious about setting the hook because they don't want it to get away. Usually, what happens in those cases, is that the fish gets hooked in the eye.

 

I didn't respond to his last message or question him with anything. And I don't feel I'm attached in any way, I'm just trying to understand where I went wrong as I'd like to start dating seriously now. I did message him back 2 months later and maybe I shouldn't have, I guess that was my mistake. He pursued from then on though and instigated both dates afterwards.

 

I do get anxious about dating as I either seem to be messed around or end up with people who won't take no for an answer. I'm trying to work out where I'm going wrong so I can meet somebody nice who will just go with the flow and be normal so I'm not so confused. My other 2 LTRs started off very haphazardly so I don't have much to go by historically.

  • Like 1
Posted

It sounds like I need to have a 1 strike and he's out policy.

 

 

No kneejerk reactions needed, but he cancels then he vanishes is not a great sign is it?

Why you contacted him months later God only knows...

  • Author
Posted
No kneejerk reactions needed, but he cancels then he vanishes is not a great sign is it?

Why you contacted him months later God only knows...

 

Out of curiosity I guess. Id finished chatting to the last person and was looking through my phone to see who else I had left on there and saw his number so I 'hey'd him. I didn't expect anything other than to ask him where he'd gone and to see how he was. I've had lots of guys I've dated come back to me a month or two later to say hi and have a chat or see if I've changed my mind so didn't think anything of it really.

 

Over the course of OLD I've picked up friends who are in similar circumstances to me with their children and we all chat a lot in the evenings and keep up to speed with our dating circumstances and general lives. I also belong to a single parents network for the same reason.

Posted
I know a LOT of really busy men.

 

When they want to date a woman - they MAKE time!

 

This guy was evasive and manipulative.

 

Yet you kept asking for more of the same.

 

He seriously made almost NO effort. And you told him to make even less effort by just stopping by.

 

 

He never intended to make effort.

 

He was active on his dating profile - changing the picture often... that should tell you he was making effort to date lots of gals.

 

We don't know if he really travels for work, really had a tax appt - and all the other excuses he came up with - we don't know what is real and what isn't.

 

But when a man can't see you it's because he doesn't have you as a priority.

 

Busy men MAKE time to see someone they are interested in.

 

This guy was a dud.

 

I agree-he was basically doing almost NO effort. I don't really see anything wrong with having taken a chance by contacting him on Whatsapp after a lapse in time. But since that was pretty forward of you and it seems like he was the one who dropped off the first time, I think you should have let him do considerably more work/effort than you did. IMO, you were doing all the heavy lifting and effort and he cancelled way too much. Whether it's true or not, he's going to assume you are desperate or too into him with the way it seems as if you were chasing him.

 

I wouldn't put so many hard and fast set rules in place but I kinda like the concept of the one about no double texting. In other words, without being literal about it (though that helps too), if you send him a text or make contact, make sure he reciprocates or do not do anything else (send no more texts, no more contact). Only reciprocate to his contact or his invitations. I think those kind of "boundaries" will help you. Especially at the beginning and especially for a guy who is savvy enough business-wise to be traveling around the world, old enough to have a kid and worldly enough to date someone from another country than his own, he certainly should be pursuing you, if he's not, he is only mildly interested. I wouldn't get into all the suppositions why or what's going on with him and try to "fix" anything or make it easier for him, just assume it's not the right time or person for you if he is not doing his part.

 

That's why i'm not against checking in on whatsapp as you did because neither of you had much invested and some time had passed but it was a pretty bold move and while friendly could also be perceived as desperate. If you had wanted to gauge his real interest, you would have let him make much more of the moves after that, i.e. letting him pick up where you left off after the first date as a dating couple. People do get back in touch & i know couples that are happily together now after a lapse at the beginning (and where maybe the girl initiated that first re-connect) but then you've got to let the guy put in equal effort (or more effort as it is the very beginning). Reciprocate to his effort.

 

For what it's worth, would not reply to his messages anymore. He's jerked you around too much. Good luck!

  • Author
Posted
I agree-he was basically doing almost NO effort. I don't really see anything wrong with having taken a chance by contacting him on Whatsapp after a lapse in time. But since that was pretty forward of you and it seems like he was the one who dropped off the first time, I think you should have let him do considerably more work/effort than you did. IMO, you were doing all the heavy lifting and effort and he cancelled way too much. Whether it's true or not, he's going to assume you are desperate or too into him with the way it seems as if you were chasing him.

 

I wouldn't put so many hard and fast set rules in place but I kinda like the concept of the one about no double texting. In other words, without being literal about it (though that helps too), if you send him a text or make contact, make sure he reciprocates or do not do anything else (send no more texts, no more contact). Only reciprocate to his contact or his invitations. I think those kind of "boundaries" will help you. Especially at the beginning and especially for a guy who is savvy enough business-wise to be traveling around the world, old enough to have a kid and worldly enough to date someone from another country than his own, he certainly should be pursuing you, if he's not, he is only mildly interested. I wouldn't get into all the suppositions why or what's going on with him and try to "fix" anything or make it easier for him, just assume it's not the right time or person for you if he is not doing his part.

 

That's why i'm not against checking in on whatsapp as you did because neither of you had much invested and some time had passed but it was a pretty bold move and while friendly could also be perceived as desperate. If you had wanted to gauge his real interest, you would have let him make much more of the moves after that, i.e. letting him pick up where you left off after the first date as a dating couple. People do get back in touch & i know couples that are happily together now after a lapse at the beginning (and where maybe the girl initiated that first re-connect) but then you've got to let the guy put in equal effort (or more effort as it is the very beginning). Reciprocate to his effort.

 

For what it's worth, would not reply to his messages anymore. He's jerked you around too much. Good luck!

 

hi, and thank you. I think that's easy to understand and although at the beginning of the recontact I let him keep messaging, the first time he didn't I did double message. I've never had somebody cancel a date on me but with friends I have no issue working around them and vice versa. So I tend to be pretty easy going. But I can see from what's been written that perhaps you need to approach dating differently until you've worked out their interest.

 

So reciprocate to their effort only - I have read about mirroring. And also not trying to make things easier - I know I tend to do that and am naturally an accommodating person which I think has got me in trouble in the past.

 

This all really helps thank you, and I feel like making notes at the moment. Life has changed beyond all belief for me in the last 2/3 years and I feel like I'm learning a lot and making lots of changes which I hope will benefit me and my daughter in the future. I appreciate the time out people have taken to give me their thoughts.

  • Like 1
Posted
hi, and thank you. I think that's easy to understand and although at the beginning of the recontact I let him keep messaging, the first time he didn't I did double message. I've never had somebody cancel a date on me but with friends I have no issue working around them and vice versa. So I tend to be pretty easy going. But I can see from what's been written that perhaps you need to approach dating differently until you've worked out their interest.

 

So reciprocate to their effort only - I have read about mirroring. And also not trying to make things easier - I know I tend to do that and am naturally an accommodating person which I think has got me in trouble in the past.

 

This all really helps thank you, and I feel like making notes at the moment. Life has changed beyond all belief for me in the last 2/3 years and I feel like I'm learning a lot and making lots of changes which I hope will benefit me and my daughter in the future. I appreciate the time out people have taken to give me their thoughts.

 

Bolded, i mean it more figuratively than literally about the double messaging. If you put more effort in then let him put in equal effort or vice versa. Total mirroring is a better analogy. And I would do traditional dating norms of letting the guy do it more often at the beginning than you do, to gauge their true interest and what level of effort they will put in as a partner & how they would make you feel if you were in a relationship with them.

 

I am really easygoing as well and you need to check yourself maybe more often than other people do because sometimes it takes a moment to realize you are being taken advantage or that things aren't balanced (applies to all parts of life not just dating). As far as dating goes, you can push yourself on the other side of the spectrum more than your normal way of dealing with people to see what a guy's interest is. Sounds like I mean testing, which i guess is half true. I have a ton of friends (all pretty social and girls who have dating options let's say) and with the variety of personalities and since I love dating/dating advice I hear everyone's scenarios. Simply put: a guy will make effort and "be into" girls they want to date. You don't need to meet them more than halfway or if you do all the effort/work, you will continue to have to do that, get lackluster effort/mistreatment. Guys DO know what to do and it's rare that you need to do the work at the beginning for them if they are interested and available for dating. They don't usually appreciate or fall in love with a girl who makes things too easy, i.e. putting herself at his disposal. I'm not saying to play hard to get, just saying that how you show your value often is being a bit cautious, having your own life, letting him chase you rather than the other way around.

 

Good luck!

  • Author
Posted
Bolded, i mean it more figuratively than literally about the double messaging. If you put more effort in then let him put in equal effort or vice versa. Total mirroring is a better analogy. And I would do traditional dating norms of letting the guy do it more often at the beginning than you do, to gauge their true interest and what level of effort they will put in as a partner & how they would make you feel if you were in a relationship with them.

 

I am really easygoing as well and you need to check yourself maybe more often than other people do because sometimes it takes a moment to realize you are being taken advantage or that things aren't balanced (applies to all parts of life not just dating). As far as dating goes, you can push yourself on the other side of the spectrum more than your normal way of dealing with people to see what a guy's interest is. Sounds like I mean testing, which i guess is half true. I have a ton of friends (all pretty social and girls who have dating options let's say) and with the variety of personalities and since I love dating/dating advice I hear everyone's scenarios. Simply put: a guy will make effort and "be into" girls they want to date. You don't need to meet them more than halfway or if you do all the effort/work, you will continue to have to do that, get lackluster effort/mistreatment. Guys DO know what to do and it's rare that you need to do the work at the beginning for them if they are interested and available for dating. They don't usually appreciate or fall in love with a girl who makes things too easy, i.e. putting herself at his disposal. I'm not saying to play hard to get, just saying that how you show your value often is being a bit cautious, having your own life, letting him chase you rather than the other way around.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you. I have no friends or family that are dating and they have completely no idea what it's like being single or going out on dates. So this is the next best place to come.

 

If I meet anyone else who'd like to date me I will consciously try putting this into practice and approaching things a little differently. And if things work out a little differently, I will be posting back here ha.

Dating was a lot easier when everyone was single and going out every night of the week and meeting loads of new people to talk to with no expectations. Thanks for spelling it out. With any luck someone will come along at some point who is normal and ready to date. Although I'm 2 years in, I dread to think what else is next!

Posted

I don't think you need to be too worried about how much you contact a date. Do what you feel like. The important thing is to not be too emotionally invested before there's real indication that he's all in.

It's better to text him whenever you want and not care if he replies, than to be afraid to text but constantly waiting to hear from him. Texting is not investment. Waiting by the phone and thinking about him is huge investment. (not saying you're doing that. it's just for comparison).

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