Ex didn't want me to have lunch with a female friend, but is okay with cheating.

[Weeble]

I never really dated much, honestly I never really cared to. At times I felt like I wanted a relationship but then also loved my life of solitude. That changed last year when I met a girl and we immediately hit it off. It was wonderful. We were eight months in and she suggested we move in together, she wanted to move to be closer to her work, and I work from home so I can be anywhere. I said sure and we went for it and found a lovely apartment together.

 

That was a bad idea. We ended up fighting all the time, she had unrealistic expectations (for example, she wanted us to always go to bed at the same time every night, she didn't like that I had female friends that she didn't know, and so on) and it drove a wedge in our relationship. There were so many things that she was demanding that just were not realistic in a relationship. We eventually had a long talk about it, I told her that I was feeling smothered, she told me that she was desperate for us to reconnect and bring back the feelings we used to have. I was all for this, because I wanted to bring back the feelings I used to have and to be in love again.

 

Well, the feelings never came back. A month after our long talk, I decided I should end things with her. A couple days before I ended things, I was playing a game on my Xbox. I got stuck on a part, so I jumped on her laptop nearby to look up a guide. I always asked her permission before getting on her laptop, but she eventually just told me that I can get on it whenever, I don't need to ask her permission. Well, this night that I opened it up, her iMessages updated with all the texts that had been sent and received since the last time she opened up her Macbook. She was sexting some random guy and her extremely abusive ex for weeks. I closed the laptop, took a drive, and tried to clear my head.

 

I confronted her about the texts, she said she was ashamed and she was sorry for lying about it. See, when we started dating, she let me know she slept around a lot in her college days. Back then, she was desperate for love. She would have sex with guys she had a slight attraction for in hopes they would fall for her. She apologized for the texts, and said how sorry she was, that it wasn't her real self, and how she truly loves me with all her heart. I had already decided before that I didn't want to be with her anymore. All the feelings I once had were stamped out by our constant fighting when we moved in together, but this made it so much worse.

 

I also discovered a couple weeks after I moved out that she has been on Tinder for a couple months. I felt completely betrayed by her behavior because when we first started dating, she told me about her college days when she would sleep around and party a lot. I told her I didn't want to date someone who was still in that phase. I was in my early 20s before, and I partied, but now I wanted something real. She said she wanted something real too and that she wasn't into that life anymore.

 

I'm lost. On one hand, I am so angry with her, I just never imagined she would do something like this. She had been cheated on in the past, so I never thought she'd do the same thing. On the other hand, I feel so bad for ending our relationship and that all of the things she wanted us to do or to be never came to fruition. I hate knowing she is still in our apartment that we got together all by herself, with barely any furniture because most of it was mine that I took when I moved out.

 

I really don't know what I'm looking for here. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm so conflicted inside and it's driving me crazy.

 

TL;DR: Girlfriend and I split up, she did me wrong but I still have no idea how I should feel about it.

[bathtub-row]

I’m a little confused — are the two of you together or have you already split up? To me, this is a no-brainer. She has betrayed you in a number of ways and her past doesn’t speak well for her. Most women, even in their 20’s, don’t sleep around to the extent she has. I think this is just what she does.

 

As far as how you feel about it, there’s no real “supposed to” in that area. You feel whatever you feel...or whatever you don’t feel.

 

If it were me, I’d dump her like yesterday.

[Zahara]

I'm not sure why you are conflicted. You mentioned more than once that you've lost feelings for her and along with all the emotional dysfunction she brings to the table, this is a no brainer.

 

Of course you feel sad about it but it doesn't justify going back to a dead relationship. You feel what you feel but focus on reality and keep moving on.

[Weeble]

I’m a little confused — are the two of you together or have you already split up? To me, this is a no-brainer. She has betrayed you in a number of ways and her past doesn’t speak well for her. Most women, even in their 20’s, don’t sleep around to the extent she has. I think this is just what she does.

 

As far as how you feel about it, there’s no real “supposed to” in that area. You feel whatever you feel...or whatever you don’t feel.

 

If it were me, I’d dump her like yesterday.

 

We split up a few weeks ago, I ended it and moved back to my old place. What I am having a hard time dealing with is that I don't think she ever left that constant casual sex phase with random guys, and that the person she presented to me never existed. She was big on making sure I knew she was all about a serious relationship, but then I find out she has been doing all this behind my back and it makes me reflect on our relationship and wonder if she showed me a side of herself that she only wanted me to see, but isn't her real self.

[Weeble]

I'm not sure why you are conflicted. You mentioned more than once that you've lost feelings for her and along with all the emotional dysfunction she brings to the table, this is a no brainer.

 

Of course you feel sad about it but it doesn't justify going back to a dead relationship. You feel what you feel but focus on reality and keep moving on.

 

I'm conflicted because even though she did me wrong, I still want her to be happy. That annoys the hell out of me, I don't want to feel conflicted. She messed up big time, but for some reason I still feel sympathy for her since I was the one that did the breaking up. I want to just forget she and I ever were together and move on.

 

And don't worry, I will definitely not be going back to her.

[Zahara]

I'm conflicted because even though she did me wrong, I still want her to be happy. That annoys the hell out of me, I don't want to feel conflicted. She messed up big time, but for some reason I still feel sympathy for her since I was the one that did the breaking up. I want to just forget she and I ever were together and move on.

 

And don't worry, I will definitely not be going back to her.

 

I felt sorry for my cheater too. When we first ended, I was worried about his wellbeing. That was my flaw of being co-dependent. More concerned about others than myself, even when they harmed me. Personally, that came from a fractured sense of self-love.

 

You feel bad for breaking up with her and sympathize with her when you should empathize with yourself and realize the decision to end was to save yourself.

 

Focus on your own wellbeing.

[bathtub-row]

Most of us never fully forget anyone we spend significant time with in a relationship. That’s just our nature. As far as worrying about her happiness, I really don’t get that. She’s sleezy and deserved to lose you. Let her deal with it. It’s called consequences.

 

She may have actually meant what she said to you in the beginning but she couldn’t sustain it. She likes to screw around with different guys. Consider it a bullet dodged.

Edited October 19, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Weeble]

That's what eats at me the most. I know how bad what she did was, I want to not care about her happiness or her well-being but I just have a hard time suddenly loathing someone who I used to be so close to. I wish I could though, I really really do.

[bathtub-row]

That's what eats at me the most. I know how bad what she did was, I want to not care about her happiness or her well-being but I just have a hard time suddenly loathing someone who I used to be so close to. I wish I could though, I really really do.

 

Who said anything about loathing her? How about indifference? It’s the healthiest alternative. Once the dust settles, you’ll probably feel differently. If not, then continue to worry about her. It beats living with her.