unlikepluto Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 (edited) Hi all - first time posting - Very nervous and sad. Heres the background info. 6 Months into dating someone I work with: We've been on numerous dates and we get along really well. No sex- just holding hands/kissing/hugging, etc. Then things take a turn...I learn that he had broken up with his girlfriend a month before he asked me out. I immediately felt worried - Was I just a rebound? I confronted him about it (casual conversation) and he said he liked me and wanted to take things slow. "Going with the flow" and "casual dating" are some terms he used. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He mentioned that he was trying to back off the physical romance because that only pushed the "relationship" picture. He stated that he liked me and found me attractive but wanted to get inside my mind and figure out who I was first (his last relationship was mostly physical - met on tinder, had sex, etc.). Just want to point out that he came off really strong in the beginning- holding hands, kissing, butt grabbing, cuddling, etc. I agreed that I wasn't ready for a relationship BUT that I didn't date for 'fun' and that I eventually would want a relationship. He warned me to be cautious and to protect myself in case it didn't work out in the way I wanted. I suggested that we back off each other for a while and just be friends and he was completely against the idea. Sigh, Ok. We both kind of settled on continuing the "dating" but just being more cautious about developing strong feelings and being too attached. We don't kiss or hold hands anymore. Awkward one arm hugs are the extent of it. Our conversations are still good and we are getting along well. He texts me often and keeps in touch. We don't really go out on 'dates' anymore... unless I initiate it (like meeting at a coffee shop or going for a walk). This is coming from seeing him almost every weekend to now seeing him mostly at work. I feel sad and confused. I'm sad because this tells me that he is not over his ex (even though he says he is) and I'm confused because I don't know what to do next. I go days thinking that this is exactly what I want and its good to take things slow. Then randomly it will hit me that 'this isn't what love is supposed to be like' and 'he's obviously going to break your heart in the end because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you'. It hurts me that we don't hold hands or kiss because I view that as the fun part of dating. Am I being an idiot? Should I move on? If so, how should I end it in a way that doesn't make it awkward as hell at work? OR should I keep dating and going with the flow? This would be me not taking it seriously and viewing him more as a friend than a potential lover (kind of the current status anyway). If it works out then great, if not, then it was a good run. The only hard part is not developing strong feelings toward him during this and still getting my heart broken in the end anyway. I am having a really hard time deciding. This has taken over my life - it's all I ever think about. I need advice. Edited October 19, 2018 by unlikepluto
David33 Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 Isn't what you're describing pretty much the definition of being in the friend zone? Up to you if you want to get out of it but he has told you what the future looks like. No man who is serious about someone talks or acts like that.
Andy_K Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 He's Just Not That Into You 6 months should be more than enough for him to be over his ex and ready to move on. When a guy tells you he isn't after a relationship, believe him. You have two choices here. Friends, or friends with benefits. He's already warned you to 'protect yourself', so that's his get out of jail free card for still not wanting a relationship if you two end up sleeping together. In six months you could've met a lot of other guys who are ready for and interested in a relationship with you. Is this guy the best investment of your time and energy?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 OP, you two are just friends now. This isn't even dating anymore. Yes, you should move on. Be kind and professional at work, but I think it's best to stop trying to hang out or communicate beyond what's required for work. He's either not over his ex, just not that into you any longer, or has met someone else. Or a combination of any of those things. Either way, it's fizzled out for him. It sucks but it's best to let him go.
Malin889 Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 He warned you to protect yourself in case it didn’t work out the way you wanted? That sounds like he’s not going to give you what you want...
lurker74 Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 Hi all - first time posting - Very nervous and sad. Heres the background info. 6 Months into dating someone I work with: We've been on numerous dates and we get along really well. No sex- just holding hands/kissing/hugging, etc. Then things take a turn...I learn that he had broken up with his girlfriend a month before he asked me out. I immediately felt worried - Was I just a rebound? I confronted him about it (casual conversation) and he said he liked me and wanted to take things slow. "Going with the flow" and "casual dating" are some terms he used. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He mentioned that he was trying to back off the physical romance because that only pushed the "relationship" picture. He stated that he liked me and found me attractive but wanted to get inside my mind and figure out who I was first (his last relationship was mostly physical - met on tinder, had sex, etc.). Just want to point out that he came off really strong in the beginning- holding hands, kissing, butt grabbing, cuddling, etc. I agreed that I wasn't ready for a relationship BUT that I didn't date for 'fun' and that I eventually would want a relationship. He warned me to be cautious and to protect myself in case it didn't work out in the way I wanted. I suggested that we back off each other for a while and just be friends and he was completely against the idea. Sigh, Ok. We both kind of settled on continuing the "dating" but just being more cautious about developing strong feelings and being too attached. We don't kiss or hold hands anymore. Awkward one arm hugs are the extent of it. Our conversations are still good and we are getting along well. He texts me often and keeps in touch. We don't really go out on 'dates' anymore... unless I initiate it (like meeting at a coffee shop or going for a walk). This is coming from seeing him almost every weekend to now seeing him mostly at work. I feel sad and confused. I'm sad because this tells me that he is not over his ex (even though he says he is) and I'm confused because I don't know what to do next. I go days thinking that this is exactly what I want and its good to take things slow. Then randomly it will hit me that 'this isn't what love is supposed to be like' and 'he's obviously going to break your heart in the end because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you'. It hurts me that we don't hold hands or kiss because I view that as the fun part of dating. Am I being an idiot? Should I move on? If so, how should I end it in a way that doesn't make it awkward as hell at work? OR should I keep dating and going with the flow? This would be me not taking it seriously and viewing him more as a friend than a potential lover (kind of the current status anyway). If it works out then great, if not, then it was a good run. The only hard part is not developing strong feelings toward him during this and still getting my heart broken in the end anyway. I am having a really hard time deciding. This has taken over my life - it's all I ever think about. I need advice. You are WAY over thinking things. Dating someone a month after they get out of a relationship may be a short period of time for some and a really long period of time for others. But 7 months after? Some people getting divorced are definitely still recovering but the dating you described is likely very much in the past. But you stopped dating because you missed out on the escalation glide path. Healthy starts to relationships escalate at an appropriate rate. We've all heard that sleeping with someone on the first date isn't the greatest idea (although sometimes it works out just fine). The reason it's not bright is because it escalates the intimacy past the point of the relationship. However, likewise, when you escalate the relationship past the point of the intimacy - for instance, by seeing someone for so long without more physicality or at least the agreement on physicality if you're a save it for marriage type - is just as damaging. It is perfectly reasonable for him to say that he wants to keep it casual and he sounds like he even cares about your feelings. It is perfectly reasonable for you to not want casual. So you either have to agree one way or the other or move on because you're off the escalation glide path and unless you start over, you won't likely get back on it.
kendahke Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 (edited) Man, I can see so much wrong with this. The timing: one month after a break up of a long term relationship? Yes, you're the rebound. The hesitation: He is not over his ex. Well, I guess not consider the timing... and it's been 6 months past the break up? Yeah.. no he's not over her, especially when he's telling you to "fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night". That was him handing you his out/fair warning/excuse/reason for dealing with you the way he intends upon dealing with you. Work colleague: never poop where you eat in case things turn out just like they have. You've just learned a huge life lesson: don't date work colleagues who've just broken up from a LTR one month prior. Men cannot be that thin on the ground. Edited October 19, 2018 by kendahke
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 You were used for his healing process....rebound? Yes. 1
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