shydad Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 Hi all, (and basil67), I'm wondering if I could get a few people to share examples of assertive behavior from men, which women desire, and when it's appropriate. This is an area I've struggled with, to some degree. On date #3, we were in close proximity. I wanted to do something, but didn't. Later, to paraphrase, I said "Remember when we were sitting together? This is what I wanted to do.", and the response was along the lines of, "Yes, I wanted you to do that. Wasn't it obvious?" But I don't want to seem like a creepy guy either, doing things which are undesired. I guess I know what to do but not when. When the woman is assertive, it's easy, but if two people are waiting for the other to make a move, nothing is going to happen. Any thoughts or insights? What are some examples of assertive behavior, and when is it ok? Thoughts on the timing of a first kiss would be especially helpful and still relevant.
basil67 Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 Hi shydad, just to clarify, when I'm talking about being assertive, it's in the context of problem solving or encouraging balance in a relationship...be it friendship, romantic or workplace. It's about being able to address a problem in a manner which doesn't leave the other person feeling unheard. Conversely, it's also about being able to stand up for yourself without causing harm to others. There's lots of links out there, but here's one https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644 In a romantic sense, I was always a bit of sexual aggressor, so I'm probably not much help to you. If I had been your date and been into you, I would have taken matters into my own hands. Pun intended. 1
alphamale Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 ... but if two people are waiting for the other to make a move, nothing is going to happen. the human race would have died out long ago if at least one person didn't take the initiative to go in for the first kiss 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 On date #3, we were in close proximity. I wanted to do something, but didn't. Later, to paraphrase, I said "Remember when we were sitting together? This is what I wanted to do.", and the response was along the lines of, "Yes, I wanted you to do that. Wasn't it obvious?" But I don't want to seem like a creepy guy either, doing things which are undesired. You skipped a step ... in that moment when you were sitting next to her and apparently feeling like touching her or kissing her ... you could have said exactly what you said "later." God, I want to kiss you. Now that's vocalizing and that's fine ... It's a safe way to put your interest out there. The person will let you know immediately if they're on the same vibe as you. You can also get gently physical ... Taking a woman's hand is not a violent act ... or laying your hand in hers ... You will quickly get a response ... if she's not interested, she'll retract her hand or be really uncomfortable ... So as long as you're ready for a "no," you can do this ... Ignoring the other person's discomfort is where the problems really begin. You can also hug someone or gently touch them and see if they come closer and want to be touched. The key is to be incremental and to pay attention to her reaction. You're strolling along and you want to put your arm around a date's shoulder. You can do that ... gently ... if she's into this, she'll move closer or put her arm around you as well. So ... this woman you're dating now ... dude, don't be afraid to engage her on this ... When she said her interest was "obvious," ask her for details. In other words, she can tutor you ... You can say you're wanting to learn how to read her. Heck, she already knows you're hesitant and she didn't seem to look down on you ... 3
basil67 Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 God, I want to kiss you. Don't under estimate the power of this. I get a bit horny just remembering this being said to me when I've been super hot for a guy. 1
Rockett Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 So ... this woman you're dating now ... dude, don't be afraid to engage her on this ... When she said her interest was "obvious," ask her for details. In other words, she can tutor you ... You can say you're wanting to learn how to read her. Heck, she already knows you're hesitant and she didn't seem to look down on you ... Right, so when in doubt, test the waters with touch- holding her hand, brushing her arm, giving her a hug. You know, stuff that seems just as "extreme" as kissing, but isn't. That's a way of getting some information about how much she's digging it, before you go in for a kiss. As you get to know each other better, I think it is ok to ask about these things as Lotsgoingon has said. I've had similar conversations with the guy I'm dating, as he is/was nervous to initiate things (though thankfully he's more comfortable now). I think it's sweet he's respectful, but when people act more conservatively than they feel, you do run the risk of the other person doubting if you even are interested in doing that stuff. That's where clearing the air like you two did can help. I agree that she already knows you are on the shy side, and doesn't mind. In my book, that's a lot more appealing than someone who's too aggressive.
rightondude Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 (edited) practice this motion. When you want to kiss and the moment seems right: Look into her eyes after a conversation. Keep your eyes there. Start to lean in slowly. IF/WHEN she begins her lean in, you're in there. If she backs off or freaks out, just chuckle and say, "sorry, felt like was right. Maybe later?" and change the subject. there you go. Last date I was on, it was a lunch date. I really really was attracted to her. Walked her to her car. Said I'd really like to see you again. She said me too. I took her hands, started the lean in, she reciprocated and we kissed in the parking lot (during mid day, LOL) for a good 2 minutes. Awesome. Edited October 19, 2018 by rightondude 3
alphamale Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 practice this motion. When you want to kiss and the moment seems right: Look into her eyes after a conversation. Keep your eyes there. Start to lean in slowly. IF/WHEN she begins her lean in, you're in there. If she backs off or freaks out, just chuckle and say, "sorry, felt like was right. Maybe later?" and change the subject. there you go. I would never in a million years apologize for going in for the kiss. Very beta male-ish.
rightondude Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 I would never in a million years apologize for going in for the kiss. Very beta male-ish. I've yet to have to use the line, but I would tend to err on the side of caution if me going in for physical contact was unwanted and I totally misread signals. But, good for you.
carhill Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Alpha and I were socialized when men were assertive with women, took liberties but also respected no, and didn't apologize for being typical horny males. Even trending towards the respectful to my own detriment end of the scale, I can't recall ever asking a woman regarding physical touch or a kiss or sexual contact. I respected 'no', sure. Assertive guys don't talk much, rather act. Notice Alpha's one line responses. That's typical.
Author shydad Posted October 20, 2018 Author Posted October 20, 2018 In a romantic sense, I was always a bit of sexual aggressor, so I'm probably not much help to you. If I had been your date and been into you, I would have taken matters into my own hands. Pun intended. Very funny! Yea, I totally misunderstood what you were talking about. In the context you describe, that's not an issue for me. The key is to be incremental and to pay attention to her reaction. ... this woman you're dating now ... dude, don't be afraid to engage her on this ... When she said her interest was "obvious," ask her for details. In other words, she can tutor you ... Heck, she already knows you're hesitant and she didn't seem to look down on you ... Thanks Lotsgoingon, I always appreciate hearing what you have to say. Yea, I think being incremental is key. BTW, what I wanted to do was put my arm around her when she got close to me. During dates #4 and #5 we held hands and cuddled. So awesome... I think about her most of the time every day, especially when I wake up in the morning. At some point the kiss will come up and I'll be expected to take a leading role in that. I think maybe a kiss on the cheek, and see what happens. The eye contact rightondude describes may be key too. 1
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