renniezennie Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 I've been a relationship for 7 months with a really amazing guy. He came to the US in January on a one-year visa. We met in March and things could honestly not be better. His job provided him with undesirable housing and after about July or so he pretty much started staying with me full-time (as in he's spent one night as his provided house in the last 3 months). We are both very happy cohabitating with each other. Any conflicts are minor and are easily approached. Frankly, we just want to be around each other. He's been able to get a 2 year extension on his job and another visa. He'll continue to have provided housing but he'll continue to primarily live at my house. We have split food expenses evenly, but he hasn't paid for utilities or anything else like that. And I haven't expected him to, especially as he has his own house if he needs it (no expenses associated with it). As we move forward into the next 2 years, I don't know how to broach the money subject with him. My income is about 3-4x more than his. I have a lot of expenses, primarily my mortgage and a mountain of student debt that far exceeds my annual income. I feel like the next 2 years are going to be a test to figure out if he is the one, which I think he is. We can discuss things very openly, but I was interested to see what others thought was fair. As I see it, his income is limited (for the next 2 years) and he does have a house to go back to if he needs it. On the other hand, he's primarily living at my house. Is it strange for him to not contribute? All input is welcome!
JuneL Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 I think he should split the utility bills with you at the very least.
No_Go Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 If he lives in your house, he should contribute. Maybe not to your mortgage (you get equity, he doesn't), but at very least utilities, food and consumables. Otherwise he's freeloading. Had a BF like this before, it ended in bitter resentment and $7000 loss for me in under 6 months........ 1
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Your situation is similar to mine. My bf is here from another country and working on his permanent residency. He has his own apartment but we spend all of our time together at my place that I own. His first 2 years he was a full time student with a job, because of his status he was not allowed to credit cards or any types of loans so everything had to be paid upfront even his car, insurances, medical bills, so I understood he could not afford my living style, and I accepted it. He did help with money but it was not 50/50. On the other end he's a very handy man and he's done renovation in and out of my place that would have cost me thousands of dollars like building sidewalks, outside paint, building my shower, building a hide-away bed and so much more. So it was a temporary situation and after 3 years he's finally building some financial security. Since his situation has turned for the better he's paying me back for my generosity at every chance he gets. So, how else your boyfriend could provide?
Simple Logic Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Yes he should split all the expenses with you.
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 You need to talk about it. You have to tell him you expect help with the utilities. He may chose to spend less time with you rather than pay. Ask him to ask if his employer will give him a subsidy for housing if he gives up that place. Then he'd have more money to pay you.
Mardelis Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Things aren't all that great if you find it impossible to simply say "Hey I was thinking about the whole monthly expense thing and I think you should help me out". If you can't talk to him about that there are some serious communication issues here. 5
carhill Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 He can sublet his provided housing to a 'roommate' and take that money and contribute to his share of living expenses at your place. Win-win. Now that place is just collecting cobwebs. Yeah, there's probably some 'policy' against it. These days rules, laws and policies are mere suggestions. In any event, if he lives with you he should pay living expenses. Don't let him get a foothold in there, like mail or such, or it'll be impossible to eject him. Squatters get preferential treatment these days. Ask any landlord. 1
Author renniezennie Posted October 18, 2018 Author Posted October 18, 2018 Things aren't all that great if you find it impossible to simply say "Hey I was thinking about the whole monthly expense thing and I think you should help me out". If you can't talk to him about that there are some serious communication issues here. Impossible and tossing it out on an anonymous forum for objective opinions are two very different things. I want to be fair and considerate to someone I love. Sue me. And please, please reserve judgment. Seems like a mix of opinions. I am inclined to continue with the status quo as I'm happy with it. I just want to do what's best for our relationship.
brigit87 Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Impossible and tossing it out on an anonymous forum for objective opinions are two very different things. I want to be fair and considerate to someone I love. Sue me. And please, please reserve judgment. Seems like a mix of opinions. I am inclined to continue with the status quo as I'm happy with it. I just want to do what's best for our relationship. He is taking advantage of you unless he does all the cooking and cleaning. 1
kendahke Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 (edited) Never move in or have someone move in with you without having an agreed policy on what he pays, when he pays it and how much. Love cannot be brought into this. Is it a matter that he doesn't know or is it that he refuses to pay? If he refuses to pay, the he can go live in his subsidized housing until he gets his money issues right--he'd have had to do that if he hadn't met you---or was finding a girlfriend there his first option so he wouldn't have to live in the subsidized housing? If it's a matter of you haven't told him what is expected of him, then you need to say something to him. Those bills he's running up are going to have to be paid and it's your name on the bill--so you need to find your voice and say something to him---or keep quiet and keep paying for him. Your choice... depends upon which of the two you can afford. Things aren't all that great if you find it impossible to simply say "Hey I was thinking about the whole monthly expense thing and I think you should help me out". If you can't talk to him about that there are some serious communication issues here. True==if you're having sex with him, then you can tell him to fork over some money for what he's using. If you can't, then you don't have what you think you have with him. You're enabling a freeloader--and it doesn't matter how much you love him---he's freeloading if he's not even arsed to ask about it, which he should have done a long time ago. Edited October 18, 2018 by kendahke
snowcones Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Is it creating a financial hardship on you to pay the higher (I presume) utility bills? If not, I'd let it go. If so, then I'd ask him to contribute more.
snowcones Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 --he's freeloading if he's not even arsed to ask about it, which he should have done a long time ago. Maybe he sees it as just hanging out over her house to be near her (you have to be together somewhere) and not living there. Maybe if she asks, he will be shocked and just go back to his own place.
Malin889 Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 The next TWO YEARS will be a test? You barely know him.
snowboy91 Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 To answer the original question: Yes, absolutely. If you don't own the place (outright), you have to pay someone to live in it. It's unfortunate but that's the way housing is structured. If you're using their utilities and eating their food then you have to contribute to that too. When you're in that phase of dating where you're spending a lot of time at someone's place but haven't moved in, that's where things get blurry but if he's been at yours virtually the entire time it's about time he stepped up and contributed. It's up to you as to how you structure that - you can be kind if you want but be aware that it's very hard to change once he gets used to paying a certain amount.
kendahke Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Maybe he sees it as just hanging out over her house to be near her (you have to be together somewhere) and not living there. Maybe if she asks, he will be shocked and just go back to his own place. And maybe he's a freeloader who found an easy target. I don't give passes to trifling behavior. 1
snowcones Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 And maybe he's a freeloader who found an easy target. I don't give passes to trifling behavior. I'm not sure if he's a freeloader. He may be more cheap than anything. After all, if he went back to his place he wouldn't have to pay anything except for food, which is what he's doing at her place too.
Author renniezennie Posted October 18, 2018 Author Posted October 18, 2018 He’s not a freeloader. He would pay if I asked him to. I wanted to know if it’s fair to do so. I’m in a great relationship. I don’t question it, so you don’t need to infuse doubt. Please and thank you. I’m a successful professional in my 30s and I feel comfortable with saying I’ve identified something good. Let’s please not try to ruin that. If that means no more replies I’m fine with that.
salparadise Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 We have split food expenses evenly, but he hasn't paid for utilities or anything else like that. And I haven't expected him to... My income is about 3-4x more than his. There is no right or wrong answer. It's a matter of circumstances and what the two of you agree is fair. If you're making 3-4X what he does, and his housing is provided (as part of his compensation), then he probably can't afford much. Basically, rent and utilities are being subtracted from his pay already. Whatever he would pay would be an additional burden on top of what he is already paying. So I'd say compare you expendable income to his after these living expenses (but not including other things). If you're still 2-3X better off than him would you feel right asking him to pay you a major chunk of his smaller expendable income? Or here's another idea... start spending half time at his place and just call it even. if you're having sex with him, then you can tell him to fork over some money for what he's using. :laugh: There's always more than one way to see things I guess.
Mardelis Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 He’s not a freeloader. He would pay if I asked him to. I wanted to know if it’s fair to do so. I’m in a great relationship. I don’t question it, so you don’t need to infuse doubt. Please and thank you. The overwhelming response of numerous posters is "yes it's fair for him to pay a share of the expenses". Think you got your answer, so go ask him. Please report back with the outcome. 1
CollinW Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 There is nothing wrong with how you're feeling and you should definitely ask him to contribute something, even if it's small. On the other hand if you see he's trying to build something or invest in the future one way or another with his little income then it's nothing wrong with not asking him. It's up to you.
kendahke Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 There's always more than one way to see things I guess. Sure is, especially when you've seen first hand what happens when you are too afraid to get clarity going into something with a man and you find out two years later that it's near impossible to get them out of your space because they like the arrangement that was set up and and left in place at the beginning. Just say "I'm too afraid to be out of a relationship so I won't make sure I'm not being taken advantage of", because that's pretty much closer to the truth. Like I said, if you're close enough to be sharing bodily fluids, you're close enough to have a talk about money. Might not be sexy, but it will help you to avoid a whole lot of messy effery later on.
salparadise Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 Sure is, especially when you've seen first hand what happens when you are too afraid to get clarity going into something with a man and you find out two years later that it's near impossible to get them out of your space because they like the arrangement that was set up and and left in place at the beginning. Just say "I'm too afraid to be out of a relationship so I won't make sure I'm not being taken advantage of", because that's pretty much closer to the truth. Like I said, if you're close enough to be sharing bodily fluids, you're close enough to have a talk about money. Might not be sexy, but it will help you to avoid a whole lot of messy effery later on. I think if the facts were the same but the genders reversed, and the guy asked gal to help pay utilities, we'd be hearing the same squawking about what a cad the guy is for asking her for money... especially given that he's getting sex. 1
Gaeta Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 I think if the facts were the same but the genders reversed, and the guy asked gal to help pay utilities, we'd be hearing the same squawking about what a cad the guy is for asking her for money... especially given that he's getting sex. If a man came on here saying he earns 4 times more than his girlfriend, that she is already paying half the grocery but he's thinking of asking her half of utilities indeed we would hear an uproar that he's a cheap arse. OP when you decide to date a man that makes 4 times LESS then you then don't expect he'll be able to pay 50% of all bills, he cannot afford your life style. If in your book expenses should be paid 50/50 then he's not a good candidate for you. When there is a big discrepancy in earnings then the budget should be calculated by %. If you earn 100K a year and he earns 25K a year how do you expect he'll be able to afford the utilities and maintenance of a property? This is the reality of being in a relationship with someone that earns much less than you.
No_Go Posted October 19, 2018 Posted October 19, 2018 Yes and no. I earn maybe 3x less than my BF but don’t expect him to pay more. Reasons being: 1) My income is still high enough to afford everything that we do as a couple 2) Higher income in his case comes with significantly higher expenses for property maintenance etc 3) We both live well under our means - our weekend dating budget is $50 tops for both of us combined (expensive date doesn’t mean good date) 4) I don’t want to ‘punish’ him for being more successful financially than i am and taking more of the pie so to speak. Now, if I wasn’t making 6 figures and was struggling and if he insisted on lavish entertainment, yup, we’d have been splitting expenses commensurate to income. But since technically we can both afford covering up for two people anyway, petty calculations become irrelevant, and contributing equally makes most sense. In OP’s case: it is not clear if he or she are struggling to cover up their current expenses, and that’s the most important variable in the discussion. If a man came on here saying he earns 4 times more than his girlfriend, that she is already paying half the grocery but he's thinking of asking her half of utilities indeed we would hear an uproar that he's a cheap arse. OP when you decide to date a man that makes 4 times LESS then you then don't expect he'll be able to pay 50% of all bills, he cannot afford your life style. If in your book expenses should be paid 50/50 then he's not a good candidate for you. When there is a big discrepancy in earnings then the budget should be calculated by %. If you earn 100K a year and he earns 25K a year how do you expect he'll be able to afford the utilities and maintenance of a property? This is the reality of being in a relationship with someone that earns much less than you. 1
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