Boiselfish Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 (edited) Quick introduction, 36 year old Aussie gay guy. Have a partner of almost 12 years who is 34 and Japanese. Living together for 11 years in Australia. A 2 dog family. It’s a long winded story so please stick with me. Around 7 years ago a good friend of mine bumped into an online profile of my partner. This profile contained pictures that I believed inappropriate and I quickly raised it with my partner as to why he had the profile and why he had those pictures there. It resulted in an argument with no real outcome and he, yes he, didn’t talk to me for about 2 whole weeks. Then as he does when he has been mad or silent flicks a switch and everything is back to normal again. Like this never happened. No the memory is a little vague now but I don’t recal the problem coming up again. Then a couple of years later, possible 5 years ago now, I first discovered that my partner was using Skype and chatting to other guys and maturbating on camera with them. Sometimes singly sometimes in a group. I discovered this because he was away in Japan visiting family and an iMessage ( thanks apple!) came through on his iPad from some unknown person talking about a night out they had just had and that this message sender was happy to have had him stay the night blah blah. Nothing sexual mentioned directly in the text but I did reply and then did question my partner who again didn’t really have a proper response about it. So following this, I’m not sure why but I opened up his computer and was looking around and that’s how I found Skype chat logs and video chat logs and screenshots. I was totally disgusted. But I never mentioned it to him because I didn’t know what to say. So I would regularly go through the computer when I was alone and continually see new chats happening. Then I discovered he had an xtube profile. He was deep into it. 30 plus videos. All of him alone but still I don’t like the fact he is offering himself to everyone. His profile suggested getting in contact for Skype chats, Snapchat etc. Again I didn’t mention it to him. We had a decent regular sex life. Even though this was always in the back of my mind. Then come November 2016 I snapped. I cheated. I felt so bad. It happened over a couple of weeks but I quickly put a stop to it because I knew it was wrong. Fast forward to November 2017 and I’d cheated with a couple more people. There is no acceptable justification for any of what I’ve done and please feel free to reprimand me for it. I can not justify my actions and I won’t try to. The whole Skype and xtube thing was really building up and I couldn’t take it any more. That’s my explanation. Very weak indeed. I had a meltdown. Got totally wasted and passed out in our apartment buildings garage and was found there at around 3am in a puddle if my own pitty and vomit. Of course my partner had questions. And the following day I let it all out saying I knew about Skype and xtube. And that I had found comfort in a close friend. Which was partially true. I had become good friends with this new guy. And he was comforting me. He had no idea about my home life as I didn’t tell him. I had said I was in an open relationship and he believed me for what it was. But after blurting out the knowledge of my partners indescressions my partner was silent. Again. As he does. So I got that for about 4 weeks. No talking. Then bam, back to normal again. But I can’t do that anymore this back to normal isn’t normal. So from November 2017 to about March 2018 he told me 3 times he was finished with our relationship. His rational was because I had gotten too close to my new friend. Which is true. But he was no blaming me about our problems. I didn’t want to separate so at each time told him we would work through it. Probably the third time he said it I was ready to separate but dogs, mortgages, life made me think staying was best. So we limped along until about July 2018 when I thought I had decided to separate. I tried to tell him but he did t get it. I did t flat out say it’s over thought. I tip toed around it and he didn’t get it. Sure the conversation we had he got upset and so did I but the outcome of it was... nothing. Although he did say He said he would try to help fix things and change. But his actions of change and fixing are similar to each time this issue has come up. As recently as September 2018 he was again away in japan and I again discovered a few online profiles and at least one recent Skype chat session with screen shots which disgusted me. I honestly don’t want to look at touch or even talk to my partner. It’s very hard. So I set up a fake profile. Catfished him. I was away in Hawaii with my mum for a week in October 2018. So I organized for my partner to meet up with this fake profile while I was away. And sure enough he did. But obviously the fake person wasn’t there. All this time he hadn’t sent a face picture to the fake profile only explicit body shots. So I finally fished a face picture from him and then had the fake profile say he knew me and that we were together and what was he doing? My partner became suspicious of the fake profile but continued to chat. On my return he hadn’t mentioned it to me even though it happens only a day after I left. So a few hours after being home I let it out and asked why he had done it. He said he knew it was me and he did it on purpose. It wouldn’t say why he hand confronted me bout it. Then I asked him why he had recently been on Skype again after already telling me he would stop. His reason was he couldn’t remember and probably because he had gotten angry or annoyed. Great!! But his biggest reason was because I haven’t been giving him enough attention. At that point I said wait, this had been an ongoing problem for 7 plus years. Are you telling me I haven’t given you the attention you want or need for that whole time? He had no reply. So for the past couple of weeks it’s been icy at home. From me. Because I really don’t know what to do. He did say he feels I want him to leave but is waiting for me to say it? But I really can’t be sure. 12 years is a long time and I’d hate to throw it away if we can save it. But obviously I’m scared he will do the same things again and now that I’ve cheated who’s to say I won’t also do it again even though I know it’s wrong and so t want to. Ok now is your time to offer some input. Relevant advice. Similar situations. Etc etc. Appreciate anything any of you might have to say. Edited October 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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