Sh*t tests from women in a relationship

[beowulf44]

For what it's worth, even grouping BPD into this may not be applicable. My BPD ex lives a chaotic life, but never played these games with me.

 

I do wonder if there was something going on upstairs that she wasn't aware of. She went through frequent mood bouts, where she would just instantly turn herself off and become super isolationary. Id always try to ask her why, and for some reason, her explanations always came off as incomplete to me, as her reactions did not seem commensurate with the supposed trigger (not wanting to talk to me for 24 hours due to "stress at work", "argument with mom", "my dad is visiting and I'm not on good terms with him", etc).

 

At times, I also wondered if this behavior was just symptomatic of her not wanting to be in a relationship with me. E.g., she didnt want to be with me, but would rather be with me than alone. I asked her towards the end of our relationship if she really wanted to be in a relationship with me, because her behavior to me was indicating that she truly didnt. Like going out of her way to push me away, just no longer seeming happy to see me anymore, etc. She told me she did, but I got the feeling it wasn't a genuine response. Her response seemed more like "no, I'm not ready to lose this", rather than "no, I do truly value you as a partner".

 

She seemed to have a super low sense of self worth, too, despite being in a decent and ever-improving place in life (just starting law school, paralegal, great physical shape, etc). Its just something you pick up from a persons behavior, the way they speak, etc.

 

I'm not sure if that helps as far as lending any context to whatever 'issues' she had. Towards the end of the relationship she told me some troubling stories of things that happened to her when she was young, so I wonder if that played a role (actually she told me this after I asked her the question above about wanting to be in a relationship). She said this was the reason she tended to push me away at times, but I think there was more to the story.

 

She was very quiet/shy/awkward before I met her, and I got the sense that she opened up to the world a bit more while we were together and was generally happier, and that was nice to see. I'm grateful for that.

Edited October 19, 2018 by beowulf44

[Woggle]

Stop thinking of women as piles of hormones to be manipulated and handles and see them as people just like you and me.

[Logo]

**** testing is not only something women do, men are pretty good at it too. Basically it is about boundary checking and pushing the envelop to see how far a person can push another, it is all part of establishing a relationship.

It can happen fairly quickly to weed out the no-hopers, but it often starts in earnest, once the honeymoon period is over when both are vying for their place in the partnership.

If it exposes serious incompatibility then it is obviously a good thing.

 

 

 

 

There is a difference between exposing incompatibilities and between bringing up things to the surface that are not organic or natural to that stage of the relationship.

 

 

 

Relationships are supposed to progress along a certain line. If I'm on a first date, and suddenly a woman throws in my direction a question that I would only expect from someone around date 10 or 3 months into the relationship (Something personal, too invasive, comes off as rude instead of playful) then I'm going to move on.

 

 

 

How's that any different from walking up to a salesperson at a store to see if you can get a better deal and say, "Hey, your merchandise and prices are ****. I wouldn't pay a dollar for this piece of *****"?

 

 

It's an extreme example, but seriously, how productive or normal is that behavior?

 

 

A person should weed out people based on inconsistencies or certain red flags, not tests.

[guest569]

Men have been known to perform these "faecal tests" too. Urban dictionary is wrong to say it is what "girls" to.

 

I believe my male ex would actually create elaborate situations or say or do things to stir the pot and see how respond. It's like he pushed the female bestie situation to the limit to see how I would react. This is a guy who claims to be so logical and have no clue about emotions. He poo tested me for sure. I think the fake and manipulative aspect is what distu guises the poo test from regular get to know questions.

[Ami1uwant]

I don’t like the idea of tests and would be ousted if someone dud it to me.

 

 

I don’t think the OP said of what he thought were tests were really not tests but normal life.

 

Asking your SO if they can stop at the store to get something is reasonable. If she asked them to stop somewhere and they couldn’t is understandable. Like if someone occasionally rides a bike to work can’t do things if they drive a car.

 

There could be an issue that’s his she wasn’t being considerate or paying attention to what was being said or it seemed to be very one sided where you’d fi these things fir her but when he asked her she didn’t.

[Redhead14]

- talking to other guys in front of me to make me jealous (I usually didnt care, but it did get to me towards the end of our relationship when she took it too far with a good friend of mine)

-- You tell her that she is, of course, allowed to speak with anyone she wants, but that it should not include flirting and overatures, etc. and it should not be excessive. You let her know you are uncomfortable with her level of interaction and then sit back and observe whether or not she starts to accommodate you on some level at least.

 

- telling me my appearance was unprofessional or that she didnt like x and y about my appearance (my response: I don't care, its who I am. Some examples - your hair is too long, my mom would like it more if you cut it, etc) -- You simply say that you are happy with your appearance Period and if she was ok with it enough to start dating you in the first place, you don't understand the criticism. Unless you've started letting yourself go out of complacency with the relationship, it's a non-issue, IMO.

 

- making unreasonable requests for me to buy her things (can you please go across town to buy me x and y, its on my way home from work but I just want to go straight to gym. OR asking me to buy her a coffee on the way home while I'm driving back on my motorcycle lol) - "I'd like to help you but I have x,y,z to do myself. If this was not a habit of hers, a guy who really liked his girlfriend would do it if time permitted. As for buying coffee for her while on your motorcycle, did she say something like "Oh gosh, I didn't think of that when I asked you".

 

- telling me she wants to get engaged to me within our first 1.5 months of dating (at first I thought she was serious, but looking back it seems so irrational that I almost question whether it was said to gauge my reaction... maybe I'm wrong here) -- That's jumping the gun a bit on her part, but if she had been otherwise reasonable and not pushy in her approach overall, I might assume she wasn't really serious -- just letting you know that she was seeing you as marriage material.

 

- throwing tantrums in public/at the gym and making mountains of molehills (she would quit the tantrums and apologize if I would leave the gym to go home whenever she started acting up) -- That's trying to be manipulative and immature.

 

If all of these examples are about the same woman, eh, I'd let her go. That last thing kinda shows she's not relationship material anyway.

[Rocker71]

I don't think this "poo" testing is all that common, but it does exist.

 

Many years ago, I lived with a woman that "poo" tested me. She provoked an argument and started yelling and screaming to see what my reaction would be. Things quickly escalated and I got in my truck and left... to cool down. After about an hour I returned, she told me I passed her "test". She wanted to see if I would get physical in an argument or if I would leave to allow things to cool off.

 

At that point I went to my local hardware store and purchased a bunch of moving boxes and some packing tape. I returned and told her to pack her crap up and get out of my house. I wasn't going to be "tested" in my own home.

 

My advice is simple... NEXT!!

 

I Love That!!

[TheFinalWord]

I'm looking back on my most recent relationship, and realizing that there were tons of sh*t tests in our relationship that I handled in various ways. (in case the term is unfamiliar to some, it is defined by urbandictionary as "a test that a girl performs on a male by saying or doing something to judge the reaction or response from him")

 

Some of the sh*t tests she threw my way:

 

- talking to other guys in front of me to make me jealous (I usually didnt care, but it did get to me towards the end of our relationship when she took it too far with a good friend of mine)

 

- telling me my appearance was unprofessional or that she didnt like x and y about my appearance (my response: I don't care, its who I am. Some examples - your hair is too long, my mom would like it more if you cut it, etc)

 

- making unreasonable requests for me to buy her things (can you please go across town to buy me x and y, its on my way home from work but I just want to go straight to gym. OR asking me to buy her a coffee on the way home while I'm driving back on my motorcycle lol)

 

- telling me she wants to get engaged to me within our first 1.5 months of dating (at first I thought she was serious, but looking back it seems so irrational that I almost question whether it was said to gauge my reaction... maybe I'm wrong here)

 

- throwing tantrums in public/at the gym and making mountains of molehills (she would quit the tantrums and apologize if I would leave the gym to go home whenever she started acting up)

 

 

 

Now, I know that some of this borders on truly questionable behavior, but at the same time, I know sh*t tests are a common thing in relationships. The dating coaches I follow all say you should not tolerate these or your gf will lose respect in your relationship - and that as you demonstrate emotional strength in a relationship, the partner will eventually get tired of sh*t tests and slowly stop.

 

So how do you handle these? My friend told me, for example, that I handled them poorly by trying to communicate with her about them (I can't buy you a coffee, I'm on my motorcycle) as opposed to just shutting them down hard and/or ignoring them outright. To be clear, sometimes I did take a hard stance, but looking back I think I was soft on too many of these sh*t tests.

 

From the limited time I've had on the forum recently, I get the vibe that most posters here equate sh*t tests with immature drama, and would advise to just find a partner who does not do this so often. Any input is appreciated.

 

There's a whole industry dedicated to such testing: The rules, power of the Pu**sy and the list goes on and on.

 

Some of these test are actually rationale, when you are getting to know someone. For example, seeing how a guy responds if you don't text him back right away. Some of them go overboard, like commenting on looks. If you made a comment about her hair, you would be broken up with. Sometimes I think women do these when they want to break up, but they don't want to be the one to do it. They will become really mean and unbearable to be around in the hopes you will end things.

[basil67]

Many years ago, I lived with a woman that "poo" tested me. She provoked an argument and started yelling and screaming to see what my reaction would be. Things quickly escalated and I got in my truck and left... to cool down. After about an hour I returned, she told me I passed her "test". She wanted to see if I would get physical in an argument or if I would leave to allow things to cool off.

 

A dog trainer did the same thing (using posture) when I engaged her to help train a dog we adopted which hadn't been socialised properly. He would have been put down if he failed the test.....

[Justanaverageguy]

So posts here so far seem to stick to the extremes. Some with the crazy ideas from dating coaches where everything is a **** test and women are out testing men deliberately to see what happens ..... to the opposite where this is just bad behavior only immature people do and you should dump the partner immediately.

 

The truth for me is somewhere in between. All people have faults and when they are tired or cranky or in a bad mood or a little too tipsy will occasionally do things that are immature, selfish or not the best version of themselves. How their partner react to these determines your relationship balance and dynamic. Conflict resolution is important.

 

If a man or a women (because men do the exact same thing with women) is tolerant of bad behavior it sets a pattern that their partner can get away with it. We essentially train people how to treat us by what we accept from them. A person is often not deliberately "****" testing you. They probably just had a bad day or had one too many drinks.

 

But if you continually accept ****ty behavior without any correction, boundaries or repercussions it shows you don't respect yourself. This does erode the respect someone else has for you. They may not be doing it deliberately and they may not even really be doing anything crazy bad .... it could just be consistent subtle breaching of boundaries which goes uncorrected.

 

The key is not to look at it as "**** testing". It is to simply focus on having self worth, and strong sensible boundaries about what you accept from a partner you are dating. Don't over complicate by getting into all the PUA \ Alpha male nonsense.

Edited October 24, 2018 by Justanaverageguy

[Lorenza]

I havet to admit I have given a sh*t test to my last ex, when the relationship was about to hit rock bottom and I was wondering if I'm just someone he drags along for his own needs and comfort. I lied that I'm in a shady situation that might be dangerous to see if he reacts in any way. He did not. It was one of the things that made it easier for me to end the one-sided and dysfunctional relationship as it was, so I'm glad I gave him that sh*t test.

[guest569]

Yes there must be a middle ground hence I was interested to know more about the communication issues between them. But OP obviously didn't want to go any deeper into this.

 

Easy to frame it as "she is an irrational lunatic" but it turns out one of her huge flaws was that she wrote a Yelp review after experiencing poor service. Really?

[Happy Lemming]

... so I'm glad I gave him that sh*t test.

 

In my opinion, there is never a good reason to give another person a "poo" test. He is a human being, not a dog.

 

If the relationship was not to your liking, you should have just broken up with him.

[Lorenza]

In my opinion, there is never a good reason to give another person a "poo" test. He is a human being, not a dog.

 

If the relationship was not to your liking, you should have just broken up with him.

 

It was a complicated situation. The guy manipulated me right and left and I was unable to break up with him due to my own emotional issues back then. I needed every reason possible to take myself out of it and get it into my head that words < actions. So yeah, looking back, it was a good reason. He wasnt the one hurting in that relationship

[Happy Lemming]

I was unable to break up with him due to my own emotional issues back then.

 

Were you chained to a pipe in his basement?? If not, then you had "free will"... You could have left at any point in the game.

[PRW]

This is the 67th post in this thread. Did I read 66 of them? No, just skimmed. I'm looking back at the original question.

 

People seem to have a infatuation with EXTREMES.

 

Dating Coaches are all smart

Dating Coaches are all idiots

Everything is a test

There are not such things as test.

 

The truth is some Dating Coaches are great, some are "ok", and some suck. I created a whole thread on he once on the subject of the ones who suck and giving them a through beating for over it,...while at the same time being a big promoter of the ones I think do a great job.

 

Not everything is a test, but some things are. Sometimes the woman knows she is doing it and sometimes it is just instinctual. The rest is probably just bad behavor on her part. Every woman has had experiences with bad characteristics in men. Yes they do sometimes toss a little something the guys way to see how he responds to see if he does the same things that the guys in her past have done that were red flags. It isn't rocket science, it is mostly common sense.

[Lorenza]

Were you chained to a pipe in his basement?? If not, then you had "free will"... You could have left at any point in the game.

 

You see everything very black and white. If you want you can read my multiples threads about this guys from 2 years ago. I had coodepedency problems and extreme anxiety and couldn't break out of it. I literally allowed myself being dragged along for months. By seeing that this person wouldn't even lift a finger if I was in shady situation, I was able to start making some progress with breaking it off.

So...you know, the chaining to a pipe can as well be happening in someone's mind and not just literally.

[beowulf44]

Yes there must be a middle ground hence I was interested to know more about the communication issues between them. But OP obviously didn't want to go any deeper into this.

 

Easy to frame it as "she is an irrational lunatic" but it turns out one of her huge flaws was that she wrote a Yelp review after experiencing poor service. Really?

 

There were definitely communication issues. I see your side that she had a real legitimate complaint about the restaurant, and maybe thats some good advice that I can walk away with (being more empathetic). My point was moreso the depths to which she wanted to punish them. ("I'm gonna write a review so bad it puts them out of business/puts him out of work", etc). That legitimately bothered me.

 

A few weeks prior, we had been to another restaurant where she was a bit rude to a different waiter, so I guess I'd been bothered by this side of her that I was seeing

 

Side note: It really bothers me when people think I'm trying to frame her as an "irrational lunatic". I don't think that at all about her.

 

Re: communication issues, there definitely were some. I'm definitely not the most open of people, but she was way more closed off even than me. I could often tell that something was wrong (when I saw her feeling visibly upset), but she never wanted to open up to me. I'd ask her whats wrong, shed say nothing, and it would sometimes take hours of intermittent prodding for me to finally get her to open up. She told me a few times that was one of her favorite qualities about me - that when I see something wrong, I always insist to see whats wrong and get to the bottom of it. On the other hand, she sometimes told me that me often gets into bad moods, and that sometimes she just prefers to be alone until she feels better and "gets over" whatever is bothering her at the moment. Obviously as her bf, I never liked seeing her like that, so I always wanted to discuss what was wrong. Smiley, what are your thoughts on this dichotomy?

 

One thing that definitely bothered me was that I noticed that whenever we would get into conflict (esp at the gym), that she would seek the attention of other guys there instead of dealing with it with me? For example, if we were arguing, she would ignore me at the gym, and talk to other guys there and get all chatty. I'm not the jealous type, but this bothered me. Her reasoning for doing this was this:

 

1) if we're fighting, I don't wanna talk to you in the gym, because I want it to be "my place" and I don't wanna cause a scene due to our drama

2) I may talk to other people when I'm angry, but it's only because talking helps get my mind off the issue and it helps me feel better. It's harmless.

 

I accepted these reasons, but I also know looking back that it laid the seeds for her eventually going off with my friend (discussed in another thread).

 

How do you advise I should have dealt with her closedoffness? Or just communication advice in general?

 

Again, she's not an "irrational lunatic". She has her foibles and so do I.

[kendahke]

I have my foibles, too, but I don't get all EXTRA about bad service and try to ruin people's employment or business. Be mad at your service, but all this other mess? That IS irrational and crazy.

 

I noticed that whenever we would get into conflict (esp at the gym), that she would seek the attention of other guys there instead of dealing with it with me?

 

This is a huge problem here. She's not interested in fixing a problem: she's more interested in punishing and humiliating you in front of other men--AKA stripping you of your masculinity in public. That's not what a healthy mind does, just so you know.

 

I'm curious: when she's done yanking away your masculinity in front of other guys, how does she talk/treat with you? Is she even aware of how foul she's being when she does that? Does she even care how it makes you feel? Would she like it if you did the same thing to her? Why not, if it's good enough for her to treat you this way, why isn't she game on receiving some of this?

 

it laid the seeds for her eventually going off with my friend (discussed in another thread).

How do you advise I should have dealt with her closedoffness? Or just communication advice in general?

 

I'd leave this mess alone. Seriously.

[MountainGirl111]

If I were you I'd step away from all the doo doo she's been dishing out for good. Enough already. Be done with this GF who works at the brOomstick factory. Step away. Don't step in her poo piles anymore.

[cupcake888]

"**** tests" (if you want to label them that) are based on emotional maturity, they have nothing to do with gender. men **** test as much as women, gay as much as straight. etc... I really wince with that label though... no offense, it just sounds so PUA-ish and this isn't a PUA board.