Wind Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 Here is a bit about me: I am in my late 30's, have never been married and have no children. I am not really interested in either option! About 10 years ago I became involved with a MM but I didnt know about until we had been together for a few weeks. I will admit I suspected but I didnt care and didnt think it was an issue for me. In the end, I dealt with my delusion and I left him after a few months as I realized we could never be what the other needed and he simply wouldnt make a choice between her or me. I made it for him and it was the hardest thing I have had to do. I have never felt like that in my life. Here is what I am trying to wrap my brain around and I cant seem to get things through my thick skull so I am hoping that some of you will share your thoughts. I met a MM at work. I didnt know he was married as he wasnt always wearing it and nor does it look like a wedding band. I didnt start off by being attracted to him but it didnt take long for pulse to race, stomach to flip, eyes locking when I look at him and the inevitable anticipating when I will run into him next. Sound familiar? I know the "pattern", the "rollercoaster" and the subsequent "downward spiral". I dont want to be in that situation again. However, I havent felt this strongly in a long time and didnt think I would ever feel it again. I have tried to see others but the chemistry is never there and any relationships I have are little more than friends with extra privileges. As of now, all of our conversations are basically work related and rarely involve anything personal. Its sort of a playful type converstion you would have with a stranger when we drift off work. Its not what we say but the way things are said. I keep telling myself that I have a one sided infatuation and its my imagination that he stands as close to me as he can without actually touching me, the eye lock is just my hormones running amuk, that his voice doesnt lower and soften if he speaks to me when we are alone. When we are not alone, he barely notices my existence and certainly doesnt speak to me in "that" tone of voice. I do understand the situation but I cant make myself avoid it or him and to be honest, I dont have anything to risk (I said that to myself the first time I was the OW! I thought I could handle it then as well). I have read the emotional infidelity posts and I dont know if this the road I am on if this continues. Can anyone comment from their experience on how things really get started and is there a way of preventing it given that we do work together on a regular basis. I cannot avoid him and changing jobs is not an option. I many ways I am just enjoying the feelings; its a luxury to me. Is it harmless to leave the situation to find its own path? Thanks in advance for your words!
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 Is it harmless to leave the situation to find its own path? Thanks in advance for your words! I think you know the answer to that...Listen to your gut right now and not your heart and/or hormones. Right now it's still safe and nothing has happened...If you act upon the feelings then you will become an OW and ride that rollercoaster. I don't think you want that in your life. There are good guys out there, single ones...Ya just haven't found him yet. Good luck!
newbby Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 the mm has a unique ability to make our hearts race more. after much analysis of the situation i still do not understand it fully, but i know it happens. if you compare feelings with any other man to that, they will not come close. however, if you compare a relationship with any other man to the relationship with mm, it will not come close in terms of pain, powerlessness and decay. its up to you to weigh it up. you may think you have nothing to lose, but what about your self respect, confidence, happiness. those are all things that you have to lose. take it as an ego boost and leave it at that.
Jayhawks Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 Listen to yourself when talking about a MM vs. a single, available man. Do you mean to tell me that this MM has sooo much more mojo than any single man out there? No,, he doesn't. What he has, for you, is a connection from the past and you get all tingly when re-living your memories. You need to break this relationship with MM because you only find them sexually attractive. All your single guys become friends because your mind is centered on a MM as sexually attractive. It is no different than a guy who likes boobs on a women. He gets sexually excited seeing a gal with large breasts. You get excited by an association with a MM. You may need counseling to break this association. What we find sexually attractive is sometimes hard to break, especially if that association is not good for us. You know if you continue with this MM, and he is willing, you will hook up. You are already thinking in these terms. You need to talk to someone about what is good for you and what is bad. You know the difference but you still think you can handle it on your own. I don't know if you can. End the emotional affair that you have already started with this MM. Your future looks lonely if you don't do something to end this cycle. Just say no to MM. Find a single man and let your mind wonder with all the thoughts you have with MM. It can be done if you have the will. Good Luck.
lynnered Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 "Can anyone comment from their experience on how things really get started and is there a way of preventing it given that we do work together on a regular basis. I cannot avoid him and changing jobs is not an option. I many ways I am just enjoying the feelings; its a luxury to me." things got started with me & MM as friendship ,after 2years of talking on& off A began , looking back now if i just hadnt of given in ,stopped taking his calls YES i could have prevented it & yes i should have , read my post MM left his wife , what i am going through now is HELL & he is probly going back & i spent 4years of my life waiting for him, now ill probly spend more time getting over him you also say "However, I havent felt this strongly in a long time and didnt think I would ever feel it again. I have tried to see others but the chemistry is never there and any relationships I have are little more than friends with extra privileges. " if you feel this strongly & nothing has happend,how do you think you will feel once something happens ? maybe more strongly for him ? you can stop this , stay away from him ,dont get personal with him ,keep thinking in your head hes somebody elses, and read the posts on this forum , save yourself the heartache goodluck
Wind Posted September 10, 2005 Posted September 10, 2005 Thanks for your comments. There are a few things for me to ponder. BTW- I dont have a attraction to MM because they are married. I do find the SM that are my age are immature and still acting like they are 20 or the ones that are responsible are unhappily MM or are all happily married/long-since-taken. I have had lots of MM make offers to me but I dont have respect for them for giving me the invitation and would have even less than for myself if I had accepted. Since reading these boards I have now become aware that an affair is more than just a physical relationship and there is an emotional one to contend with. I have also found that the workplace is the new "meat market". There is some truth in that I dont know I can handle it. I cant control what I feel. I can control (or so I choose to believe and remains to be seen!) that I can control my actions. I know I am on dangerous ground but my question still remains.... How do you extricate yourself from a dangerous situation at work where you cannot avoid the other person? In my case, he is not my boss but not a co-worker. My job is specifically to assist his whole division. I cant tell him to take a hike and if he smiles at me my cold shoulder will melt to a puddle of water! Has anyone here been in this situation? Did you get yourself out of fall in and drown?
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 I cant control what I feel. No you can't right now, but in time you can. You have to otherwise given the opportunity to be alone, you'll jump at the chance. You can control your feelings and how you think about him. DO not fantasize about him, do not LET yourself 'feel' anything. Push the thoughts out of your head when they creep in. Keep it as professional as you can and do not flirt with him at all. If that doesn't work, maybe consider changing jobs or asking for a transfer. Good luck.
Chavrine Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 I was the OW, and the MM left his wife and child...only to go back 18 months later...the bond with a child is sometimes to great to break. I don't know if your guy has children??....the fact remains i felt much the same as you when it all began, excitement, fluttery tummy, the eye thing etc etc....and it wore off just like any other relationship, and for me the excitement also wore off as it was no more the 'thrill of the chase' and he was no longer a challenge. This was my first and last encounter with a MM, I had my heart broke, and had to leave my job as we worked together and I could not stand the humilation of people saying 'we told you he'd go back'. Advice from experience....steer well clear, and as others have said, put thoughts to the back of your mind and go get yourself a single fella, trust me its just as romantic and exciting, but with alot less emotional baggage. Also one final word....to go with a MM and for him to leave his wife for the OW is bad foundations for a new relationship, would the trust ever be there? if he could do it to her, would he do it to you??. I hope you find the one you are looking for.xxxxx
Wind Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Thanks. His youngest is an infant. I read a good post somewhere here - ask him to "let me know when he has the papers in his hand and is living in his own place" before anything "inappropriate" happens. The other good thing I read was the process in which the situation progresses. I cant control my reactions around him anymore than I doubt he can but I now know to NEVER to discuss anything beyond work-related things and dont even go for coffee together. If am going to be guilty it will only be in my mind and not for co-workers to judge! I dont envy the situation you found yourself in. I know LOTS of single men (all my friends are men actually and I am always around their male friends) and they have loads of baggage as well. Damned if you.... damned if you dont. I have a few friends and relatives who are involved with men who were married when they met and they are still together (some 20+) years. I think there are times when people realized they truly made a mistake or the situation has changed to where it can never be what the relationship originally was. It takes two to have a relationship breakdown, two to fix it and time to let it run its course. I dont know what will happen in my situation - I seriously doubt anything will but if it does, he will have to make his decisions on his own without my interference. I am really glad that there are boards like this that can allow people to share experiences and help us all maintain perspective. I just need to keep reading more posts!
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