FaithInTheDark Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 (edited) Ive been seeing a guy I met on Tinder for about 6 weeks. We've gone on a handful of dates and hes met my friends. We seem to really like each other and honestly, hes a great guy from what ive experienced. We text everyday and always in touch. The major thing happening is he has separated from his ex wife for about 5 months. He was also a step father to the ex's child. When he first told me this news, I refused to get involved with a man so fresh out separation. and told him this. He assured me it was over but i still stuck to my boundaries. Long story short, I ran into at a party and we hit it off really well. and yeah we've been seeing each other ever since. The ex lives 12 hours away and apparently has a new life. Last week he attended a funeral in their hometown (town she now lives) He informed me she was aware and didnt attempt to see him or call for the 5 days he was there. Ive expressed how the separation freaks me out but, i just feel hes worth giving a chance. I am very aware hes vulnerable. At times, if he brings up something about her I get uncomfortable. Ive expressed this. Hes said again that is evident its over between them and yes, still working on getting over it . I really dont know how much they speak. BUT , i still see theyre friends on FaceBook and shes like/commented on some of his recent posts. I like this guy and he makes me happy. but deep down this issue is really messing with me because i know im in putting myself at risk. a risk of them getting back together and me being left in the dust. a risk of me being a rebound. Friends and family tell me to give it a chance. and i really want to. him and i are very good together. but i dont know if i can get passed this. i am willing to try. is there a hope in hell for him and I? or should i face the music and end this ? do people have any experiences of this being successful. again I am NOT naive about this situation. Edited October 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
BaileyB Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 It didn't work for me. He had been separated for two years and was signing divorce papers when we first met. We dated for a few months and when it was time to get more serious, he told me that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship - he had some things to sort out and he didn't know when he would be ready. My friends told me to give it a chance, see what happens... But, my gut was screaming "Abort. Abort." He wasn't ready, and I knew it. We parted ways, amicably. A year and a half later, he sent me an email telling me that he still thought of me often, and asking if I would meet him for coffee... He had decided that he was ready to start dating again, and on his first few dates he was always thinking about me... And, the rest is history. That was almost three years ago. But, he says now that if he hadn't taken that time to get his "stuff" in order, we wouldn't be together today. 1
FMW Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 (edited) You said he's separated from his "ex-wife" for 5 months. So are they just separated or actually divorced? Unless and until they are divorced, she is not his ex. She is his wife. If that's the case, what's the hold up on getting divorced? I don't know why your family and friends are encouraging you in this relationship. If he's not divorced then not only is he married but the separation is recent. It takes a while for someone to get "over" any relationship, but especially a marriage. If you insist on continuing with the relationship, take it very slow. He's not a good candidate for anything right now beyond something very casual (and it's debatable even for that). ETA: I got involved with someone who had been separated from his wife for 9 months. They lived apart for another 2 years before she eventually moved back in with him. Edited October 18, 2018 by Finding my way 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted October 18, 2018 Author Posted October 18, 2018 You said he's separated from his "ex-wife" for 5 months. So are they just separated or actually divorced? Unless and until they are divorced, she is not his ex. She is his wife. If that's the case, what's the hold up on getting divorced? I don't know why your family and friends are encouraging you in this relationship. If he's not divorced then not only is he married but the separation is recent. It takes a while for someone to get "over" any relationship, but especially a marriage. If you insist on continuing with the relationship, take it very slow. He's not a good candidate for anything right now beyond something very casual (and it's debatable even for that). ETA: I got involved with someone who had been separated from his wife for 9 months. They lived apart for another 2 years before she eventually moved back in with him. Where I live you have to be seperated for 1 year before you can file for divorce.
BaileyB Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Where I live you have to be seperated for 1 year before you can file for divorce. In other words, they are still married. I would walk away. 1
carhill Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 I'll share a positive story. My exW met a new guy when our M went south and he was living with her in the house she got in the divorce before we filed, I think we'd been living separately a couple of months, maybe three. They're still together, living in that same house, now sheesh coming up on ten years. Not married, but living together in her house, no change to the deed. So, there's one example of someone moving on while separated and it sticking and, being married to her for a decade I know her pretty well. Very deliberate. Good with men. Now, OP, your guy. How often do you see him? How do the dates go? Are you still dating, meaning mainly socializing in public? When he mentions his STBX, pay attention to tone..... someone who's done doesn't love or hate, they're neutral. How is he in tone? How old is he? How long married? First marriage or? You'll always get advice to never date a separated man. I got the same here a decade ago, that no way in heck would anyone date me. Well, in real life they did but I lost interest in women and moved on in life. My exW didn't lose interest in men and now has a relationship nearly as long as our M. I hope she's happy.
kendahke Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 It is far less messy all the way around if you'd wait until he's got things legally cleaned up. As long as there is no executed divorce decree or her death certificate, separated means still married, not divorced. That means if, while you're dating him, he gets into an accident or has a serious illness, you aren't next of kin: his wife still is. That means she could decide that she doesn't want you interfering. You don't know her or how she is: you only know what he's or others in his circle have told you about her, so none of you knows what she would do in this situation---which means: him being divorced removes her, legally, from any say-so in emergency matters. That is why divorce decrees are important pieces of documentation to have.
kendahke Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Where I live you have to be seperated for 1 year before you can file for divorce. Then he's got 7 more months of messiness. I'd slow my roll. Plenty can happen in 7 months.
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