Anxiety is killing me!!

[Khop97]

I’ve been talking/seeing a girl for about a month now. We’ve hung out 4 times and have had a great time each time.. we’ve been very affectionate (no sex yet)

and we click extremely well. I have a tendency to overthink things... so here is what is driving me insane... we had an amazing date last night and instead of being thrilled, I payed in bed all night thinking about if she really like me and when I’ll see her again, etc..

1. I’ve been on literally 100’s of dates over the last few years and either there is no mutual attraction, I’m into them and they aren’t into me or vice versa.

It’s VERY rare for me to find someone who not only do I think is attractive but mesh on every other level as well. The few times in my life I have found this, I’m the one who gets hurt at the end.

2. I’m 14 years older than her... she says she prefers older guys but I’m scared she may change that sentiment at any time.

3. She rarely initiates texts.. she knowledged she’s not a big texter, but we always have fun/interesting/flirty convos when we do.. she always states how excited she is to see me again, etc.. but sometimes I think if I didn’t text her, I wouldn’t ever hear from her again. Lol

4. I always over analyze when I should text. I hear different ideas on this.. ie.. if you like her, then go for it because if she likes you- she won’t care and would enjoy getting them... then I also hear, don’t come on to strong, etc, etc.

5. I just noticed she changed some of her pics on the dating app we met on.. I still actively use mine, but only as a backup plan in case this current girl doesn’t feel the same about me.

I know it’s only been a month so can’t really have “the talk” but I really want to give this a real chance- hoping she is feeling the same.

We held hands all night, hugged, kissed, laughed- it was great.. but now I have this severe crippling anxiety that she forgot it all or doesn’t feel the same way.

An thoughts would be appreciated! I had to get this off my chest.. I envy anybody who have never suffered from anxiety!

[LifeBeginsAt40]

This is exactly to the word what I went through with my now girlfriend half a year ago. I too am a naturally anxious person - I overthink everything, get worried about things that have little likelihood of ever happening, you get the picture I'm sure.

 

My girlfriend is a horrible communicator. She will leave her phone switched off for days at a time, doesn't have facebook, doesn't have twitter or anything else. She dropped her phone in the toilet last month and it took her two weeks to replace it as she said she just doesn't need one. Me on the other hand. Well, I need constant affirmation, constant contact. I'm a people's person. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

 

This cause untold problems in the first few months of dating, and to be honest, despite us having been together for 7 months now, it is still a bit of an issue. Our first date for instance went amazingly. Fireworks. We stayed up all night, she came back to mine. She then stayed the whole of Saturday and we went out again Saturday night. Kissing, fireworks, the whole package.

 

I sent her a text on Sunday saying how much I enjoyed it all and lets do it again. Nothing. Absolutely nothing for 4 days. In those 4 days of course my mind is doing somersaults about how I was just a fling for her, she used me etc etc. I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus at work etc etc. She then sends a text and then we meet up a week later. More of the same, and then of course nothing via text.

 

About 2.5 months in, we had the talk, and we became official. I then thought, ah well, everything will change now, she'll start texting, calling etc. She did a bit, but then would go a few days with nothing. I was of course still playing it cool, trying not to smother her etc etc. It was just a nightmare as my insides were tearing me up.

 

7 months down the line, and things have settled. We are moving in together in a few weeks, and she is now texting and calling equally to me. We speak or text at least daily, and this has of course calmed me down, which in turn has made our relationship a lot easier. I now understand what was going on too. We are spending 5 - 6 days together most weeks, and she will go days without picking up her phone. It literally sits in her desk drawer with the power off. She will check it maybe once a day tops, but rarely reply unless it's her family or something important. This is just how she is, and to be honest now that we are over that butterflies phase, I quite like it. We go out on dates, or to dinner, and she doesn't have a phone on her. One of the things that annoyed me so much about my ex was that she would spend all the time texting or on facebook as opposed to being in the moment with me. I don't get this with my new girl, and sometimes I will also leave my phone at home and we will just go out with a bank card and a rough idea of where the night might take us.

 

Back to your issue, it is an impossible one to balance. I was really just myself in the initial phases. I initiated texting and calling probably 95% of the time for the first few months. I don't think she was playing games, but this is just how she is. Maybe she wanted to be chased too as a way of seeing how serious I was - she had a difficult upbringing that lead to her living with a foster family in her teens, and it seems all the men in her life let her down one way or another. This lead her I think to be guarded at first, and coupled with being a very poor communicator, well, you can see how that went.

 

My advice based on my own journey is to take her hand and lead the way. If this girl feels strongly about you, she won't mind you texting. She may not always reply, and she may still act distant, but deep down she will like it. My lady tells me now that she loved when she got a text off me, although she would rarely reply. If you two are meant to be together, then you will be. Don't get caught up in the silly games you see on the internet. I am a bit guilty of this, but ultimately I just thought you know what, I am going to chase this girl and if she wants me then she will be with me.

 

As per another thread I replied on, with girls like this I would call rather than text, and setup a concrete plan. If you two are so great face to face, then this is what you need to setup. Texts are easy to forget, or ignore, or not read etc etc. A phone call and a message if she doesn't answer shows that you are serious about her, and sets you apart from others who are casting their lines out hoping for a bite with endless text messages.

 

I quite literally went through this exact process at the start, and I think it is important to be introspective and recognise how you are too. You are perhaps needlessly stressed and anxious about this situation. She probably has no idea how you feel, and is perhaps the polar opposite to you in being chilled and not caring. See how this has got you worked up and use the same on her. Keep conversation to a minimum, and save it all to blow her socks off when you meet up face to face.

 

Finally, think of it this way. 50 or so years ago none of this would have been an issue as we didn't have all this social media. Man meets woman. Man courts woman by calling or sending a letter asking her out. Man doesn't hear from woman again for 5 days until the Saturday night. They go out, have a good time and arrange another date for a weeks time. Nobody is sat staring at their phone screen 24/7 in the meantime, and this is where the issue lies. We are too connected. Try to back it off. It is really hard I know, but try. Call her, arrange date, text a day or two before to confirm, that is it. Good luck.

[bathtub-row]

It’s simple - don’t text her very often if she’s not into it. I would think her lack of texting is a good thing, refreshing. As far as your age difference is concerned, it’s not a big deal at all. I’m like her - I prefer older guys. If the girl held hands with you most of the night and appeared to have a good time, she’s probably waiting for you to take the next step and say you want each of you to date each other exclusively. Sounds like a good relationship overall. But I think she wants you to take the lead.

[Khop97]

Thx man! Feels good knowing I’m not alone with this feeling.

I definitely over analyze everything! I’m using the same thought process as you.

I’m gonna go after what I want (not overkill, but no games that you read on the internet )

If she likes me- she will enjoy a random text..

Not tying to have a full blown convo with her all day via text, just want affirmation that she is thinking of me too.. definitely calms the nerves!

Thanks again bro- good luck with your gf!

[Khop97]

It’s simple - don’t text her very often if she’s not into it. I would think her lack of texting is a good thing, refreshing. As far as your age difference is concerned, it’s not a big deal at all. I’m like her - I prefer older guys. If the girl held hands with you most of the night and appeared to have a good time, she’s probably waiting for you to take the next step and say you want each of you to date each other exclusively. Sounds like a good relationship overall. But I think she wants you to take the lead.

Thank you for the input!

I would love nothing more than delete my dating apps and focus solely on her..

But I’m scared it will scare her off bringing that up after 4 dates.

[bathtub-row]

I think you can tell enough in 4 dates to decide that you’d like to focus on that relationship and give it a shot. Depends on how you present it to her. She seems to really like you and enjoys your company.