Difficult relationship needs guidance...

[beerdrinker]

Hello to all.....

 

I've been reading the forums for months and finally decided to get some advice and spill my beans....... Don't have too many people around me that can fully understand my situation therefore the usual responses of "run", "you're crazy" and the like are understood but if they new the full story the responses would be a bit different. I just don't want to air out the laundry and want to keep the anonymity of details so that no one will look at things awkwardly.

 

i've been with my girlfriend for quite some time now and for the most part things are okay but we are constantly taking one step forward immediately followed by two steps backward.

 

She was abused for years in her tween to teen years and her support system is non-existent when it comes to family. Dad split, mom and siblings have substance issues which have them shuffling between programs as well as incarceration. Before me, there haven't been many stable relationships, especially lasting ones. I've had to take the brunt of "testing me" stuff and i have to have a lot of patience when it comes to many "ordinary" or "normal" things that we all come to expect in a relationship.

 

I realized early on what I'd be taking on and seriously talked to myself about whether I was willing and or able to handle this. I decided to commit and figure things out as we went along but things have changed since then and now I'm left wondering what the hell I'm doing or are "we" worth pushing through.

 

Physically, we were hot and heavy in the beginning but as time goes on, so does any physically intimacy. The closer we get emotionally and intellectually, the further she retreats from anything physical or intimate. We are pretty open in our communication and this has been addressed and even though I understand what she's saying, it's hard to comprehend since I can't possibly imagine what it must feel like for her.

 

She's extremely independent and responsible. Let's face it, she's had to be nothing but that for herself. The problem is that her independence also comes with some side effects. There are trust issues, selfish tendencies and slew of other little things that add up when it comes to a relationship. There are times that I find myself being the "chick" between us because of the appearance of lack of interest, affection at home and the non existent romance, passion or physical intimacy.

 

Let's be clear, I have no expectation of change. Third party intervention has been discussed regarding counseling and therapy for her and us so that I can learn to cope with some of the issues. She and I are all for it and have talked about it at length. I am willing to put in the work and be there for whatever she needs while working through the things that need to be addressed.

 

I do love her and am madly in love with her. Early on there was a discussion about PDA and she had told me to pretty much back off while we are out of the privacy of my place or hers. I'm a really affectionate person, naturally. It's just how I am. Funny thing is, as much as the private physicality has dwindled, the public displays on her part have grown IMMENSELY... To the point where I almost find it annoying but at the same time, I never want to go home.....lol When we are out in public or around friends and family, she can't keep her hands off me. That to me is strange but I'll take it.

 

Now, that there's a bit of information, here's the problem..........

 

We have discussed marriage and children and all that life has to offer. She had told me that I make her want those things and we decided that we'd like to get married and take at least a year for being "us" before we tried to start a family.

 

A few months ago, while at her friends party, she was holding her friends son and blurted out, "I want one".... A few weeks later, we were actually being intimate and she stated that she wanted to make an attempt to have a baby. While being intimate, we talked through it and I asked repeatedly if she was sure.... To the point that later I found out that it was "annoying". I was on board and bam, no need for explanation. Well, we were successful....! We lightly discussed it in passing and assured each other that we'd figure it out. I definitely knew that she was pregnant. The signs were there but she wasn't addressing it. Finally, I said we need to talk and she acknowledged my suspicion. She said she wasn't ready to take a test yet and that we'd do it together when she was ready. In the discussion, she was really struggling and was completely freaked out by it. She doesn't want the pregnancy and is afraid that I'd hate her. I assured her that I wouldn't and we should do whats best for her and us and I'd support her choice no matter it was.

 

Now, she wanted some "space" so I said, sure. I personally don't believe in "space" in certain situations, this being one of them. But that's me - she has every right to request it and I respect that.

 

The problem...... Lack of consideration. I've been checking in to see how she's feeling physically, mentally and emotionally since I suspected. I always do regardless of this. Not once has she considered how I'm doing. In our relationship there's never consideration for me. It's her way or no way. It's her "feelings" not mine. My statements of how I feel or are affected by anything are typically dismissed and it turns back to how she is and it's made all about her.

 

It's been a few days now that we haven't communicated at all. I find myself going through every emotion imaginable and I'm questioning everything. Wondering if this is worth it. Feeling like I was duped. We made a choice and committed to that choice and now she's changed her mind? Wtf!! For me, this is something that we should be dealing with together. Not with space.

 

Where's my breaking point? Where does my patience run out? What am I doing? Can we survive this pregnancy, terminated or kept?

 

Honestly, I want the baby. I think we could power through and we'd be successful with the support of my family, our friends and therapy for her as well as us. It's a lot to take on but it can be done.

 

A week ago I could see clear into the future. Now, I can't see tomorrow. I already feel like this is start of the end and am questioning if I want to wait it out or just take the bull by the horns and split now.

 

I've had to play passive aggressive with her but now my aggressive is losing its' passiveness.

 

Any insight would be helpful. Oh and not sure if it matters, there's a significant age gap but we aren't young - especially me, don't live at home with our parents, have careers and are financially able.

[Gaeta]

• trust issues
  
• selfish tendencies
  
• slew of other little things
  
• appearance of lack of interest
  
• lack of affection at home and
  
• non existent romance
  
• non existent passion or physical intimacy.
  
• In our relationship there's never consideration for me
  
• It's her way or no way. It's her "feelings" not mine
  

 

 

What's in it for you? I can't figure out why this is a worthy relationship to you. Why you hang on to this? Love isn't enough and you love what exactly? This person isn't even nice toward you.

 

She saw a baby and said 'I want one' just as if it was a puppy. Now she's realizing the enormous responsibility this would be.

 

I don't see her anywhere close being a fit mother. She is incapable of demonstrating love, affection, respect and consideration, how did you come to the conclusion she has all it takes to be a good mom?

 

She's broken. You can love her all you want she will remain broken. Marriage and children is hard, it's hard when you have all of your head screwed on strongly so imagine how hard it is when one of you is broken.

 

If I were you I'd want better for myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

[beerdrinker]

Thanks Gaeta.... You know, I've sold her a bit short on the positives.... She does care, she does support, she isn't always selfish and we are great friends that laugh plenty. We work hard together and enjoy our work.

 

I didn't want to write 10 books up there and only highlighted the negatives. There are plenty of positives and I know she's trying really hard.

 

I have a kid. I very well know the responsibility and strength. I have full / sole custody and have raised the child on my own. We absolutely discussed at length what having a child means so there was no confusion whatsoever on either part.

 

I do know that she has what it takes to be a good mom. Her relationships with children, animals, family and friends tell me that. I believe her issues are towards men in general. Why wouldn't they be? She was groomed to be a sex doll. Manipulated, beat down, misunderstood affection and misguided attention.

[Gaeta]

She can treat her family and friends nice still the doesn't treat you right and you're suppose to be the man of her life. If she allows herself to treat you this way she can do the same toward her own children.

 

If you raise your child alone is it because you're a widow or because you made a bad choice in picking a woman?

 

Also you sure you want to spend a life time with a woman you have no intimicy with or very little?

 

How long you've been dating?

 

Has she been in therapy since her abuse?

[SunnyWeather]

Do you live together? And, has she left?

 

I don't know how much time I'd sit around waiting for her to have an adult conversation. I'd be pretty upset being shut out like that.

[beerdrinker]

She can treat her family and friends nice still the doesn't treat you right and you're suppose to be the man of her life. If she allows herself to treat you this way she can do the same toward her own children.

 

If you raise your child alone is it because you're a widow or because you made a bad choice in picking a woman?

 

Also you sure you want to spend a life time with a woman you have no intimicy with or very little?

 

How long you've been dating?

 

Has she been in therapy since her abuse?

 

She has been to therapy.

5 years together.

Wife of 15 years died.

[beerdrinker]

Do you live together? And, has she left?

 

I don't know how much time I'd sit around waiting for her to have an adult conversation. I'd be pretty upset being shut out like that.

 

We do not live together. It's only been a few days but again I'm not a "space" kind of person. Oh I am upset. hence why I even posted here.

[Dis]

If someone is going to make an impulsive choice to, "make a baby" and then decide they don't want to carry through with the pregnancy...that really speaks volumes to me about the stability or rather instability of the person making such rash, reckless decisions

 

It's also a red flag that you two have been together for 5 years and don't live together unless you're long distance or something

 

Honestly, I don't think she's well enough to be a good partner or a mom

 

Some people who have been through sexual abuse as children can never recover from it and are not able to have healthy relationships later down the line...I think your gf is one of those people

 

A good future mom who is truly ready wouldn't decide to go all in and have a baby only to waver later

[Gaeta]

She has been to therapy.

5 years together.

Wife of 15 years died.

 

 

Why aren't you living together after 5 years?

 

 

I am sorry for your loss. Are you sure you're not wanting to play 'savior' with her?

[ExpatInItaly]

So, wait, is she pregnant or not?

 

What does she want space for?

 

She's all over the place. This is not a good foundation for a marriage, let alone children and family.

[brigit87]

So, wait, is she pregnant or not?

 

What does she want space for?

 

She's all over the place. This is not a good foundation for a marriage, let alone children and family.

 

I think this is the woman who is many years younger than OP.

 

If so, she is acting her age. Most girls in their 20's to early 30's are very emotionally impulsive. Don't let their nice clothes and decent jobs fool you.

[beerdrinker]

Thank you all so much.... I have decided to end the relationship and move on..... I appreciate the time and responses from all of you.

 

Good luck!