Having “the talk” with a new guy...

[Dis]

This is wonderful, thank you so much, I really appreciate this as you’ve really touched on the subjects with great advice.

 

I actually didn’t straight away invite him to my home as the first meeting place. We met at a restaurant and he did buy the drinks. I know that doesn’t matter now and doesn’t really make much of a difference anyway. And I didn’t mention much about this before, but he’s not a *complete* stranger. Our companies actually work together and we were surprised to find out we had emailed each other. Few months back regarding work related stuff. So yes, stupid decision as always but I guess I didn’t feel threatened in any way or unsafe inviting him back to my place.

 

An update though- I just couldn’t take it anymore honestly, so I thought it was worth a shot to just text him earlier saying I hope he had an amazing time and wished him a great day. I did not mention the upcoming weekend. He responded right away and mentioned some things he did and that he is really looking forward to seeing me. The conversation was light and sweet and he said some sweet things about kissing me and me being in his arms... which in the back of my mind I was thinking it was BS.

 

I appreciate the advice, and although a lot of it is hard to process, you’re all right. And I really need to work on dealing with these types of situations the right way.

 

I'm happy to offer my insight, OP

 

But I'm still confused as to why you're chasing him and still planning on seeing him this weekend

 

This guy is using you and you're allowing it. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't think about you. And if you think he's not having sex with other women after/before he has sex with you, you're likely incorrect

 

You're a mom, a provider, a daughter. You're NOT an option for easy sex for someone who doesn't care about you UNLESS you chose to be! Please OP, this guy isn't interested in you. He would never contact you again if you didn't contact him and he knew sex was off the table

 

Why is it that you don't respect yourself? Why are you allowing yourself to be used and thrown away, picked back up, used and thrown away etc, etc

 

Don't you want your kids to look up to you? As a strong woman who demands more than to be someone's booty call?

 

And you don't know him. Just because you work for the same company doesn't mean you know him as evidenced by the last guy at work you got used by. How would you feel if something happened to you? How would that effect your kids?

 

Cancel this weekend and do some exploring as to why you're getting yourself into these yucky situations. THEN, get back out there demanding more from the guy you date

 

Cancel, block, delete. 3 easy steps, you can do it!

[stillafool]

This is not just about the upcoming weekend. It’s also because I haven’t heard from him at all in four days. Logging in to the dating site took hardly any effort for him, but neither would a simple text to me.

 

So what? Lexxi he is not your bf where he actually has tokeep in contact with his woman. You two have dated twice and had sex. You even said that he has to come over to your work site to take care of business and he was right by you and didn't reach out to see you for 5 minutes or ask to have a cup of coffee. Don't you understand that if he wanted you he would have jumped at a chance to see you if he were remotely interested. You have fallen in love with this man after 2 visits.

[vla1120]

Lexxi, like others have posted, I also hope you cancel this weekend. Even if only subconsciously, I think you really want more than these casual encounters. You certainly deserve more.

[Lexxi]

I’ve posted about the guy I had been seeing for a month now. In my last post, I did mention there was very little to no communication between dates. Since then, we have seen each other and spent a good amount of time together given our work schedules, kids, and distance. He has since been more engaging, texting me more often and always making plans to see me before we part ways.

 

I know it’s only been a month. He’s still on the dating site, but I regret asking him much earlier on. But I’m curious to know if he’s dating/sleeping with other people. I can’t get myself to ask him because I don’t want to come across as needy or nosy. Maybe not ask him the dreaded “where is this going” question. But I’m curious if he’s having sex with other girls.

 

I don’t know when the right time is. I see him on Friday and will stay the night with him, but don’t want to ruin the night if that conversation becomes awkward. How do I ask, and would it be odd if I just texted him the question instead of doing it in person?

[smackie9]

Does he see you being active on the dating site??

[alphamale]

4 weeks is a bit early to be prying into other peoples sex lives isn't it? you should wait another couple of months at least to pop the question

[Lexxi]

Does he see you being active on the dating site??

 

I doubt he even bothers to look at my profile anymore to be honest. Sadly I have only went on there to look at his... I’m not even talking to anyone.

[Lexxi]

4 weeks is a bit early to be prying into other peoples sex lives isn't it? you should wait another couple of months at least to pop the question

 

4 weeks is early to wonder if the person you’re having sex with, is sleeping with others? See, I’ve heard some people ask right away, during the first date. I’m just getting conflicting information, but I’d really is too early, good to know so I don’t back him into a corner.

[SunnyWeather]

I'm going to ask: what is right for you? Back when my BF and I started seeing each other, it was a pretty all-consuming experience and we had the conversation pretty quickly. I didn't want to be sleeping with someone who was still hooking up with others (and he certainly didn't want that from me either).

 

So, I broached the subject pretty early, within a month, I think after the second week, but we saw each other all the time after the first couple of dates. I needed to know where I stood so I could make a decision of how I wanted to proceed--with or without him.

 

As far as worrying about 'pushing him in a corner'. Sure, some guys might feel that way, but if they want to be with you and are on the same page about what kind of relationship they want, you'll find out sooner rather than later. Like you said, this isn't so much about proclaiming your coupledom, it's about not having sex with others--and more importantly-- telling each other if that state of affairs changes.

 

The key part is: you have to be able to walk if you're not comfortable with his response

[BaileyB]

I’m curious to know if he’s dating/sleeping with other people. I can’t get myself to ask him because I don’t want to come across as needy or nosy. Maybe not ask him the dreaded “where is this going” question. But I’m curious if he’s having sex with other girls.

 

I don’t know when the right time is. I see him on Friday and will stay the night with him, but don’t want to ruin the night if that conversation becomes awkward. How do I ask, and would it be odd if I just texted him the question instead of doing it in person?

 

Oh goodness, don't text him that question.

 

If you are not comfortable asking the question in person, you should most definitely not text him. You will have no idea how he will react, texts are easily misunderstood, there is no ability to have a conversation, and... It's just, not something to discuss by text.

 

You are not wrong to want to know if he is sleeping with other women, if he is also having sex with you. Any reasonable guy would understand why you want to know that information, because of the health risks involved in having unsafe sex. Just ask him... When you see him in person, just ask him.

 

If he perceives you as being needy or clingy for wanting to know if you are putting your health at risk by having sex with him (while he is dating other women), then this is not the right guy for you...

[Dis]

This is the same guy who didn't take you out on a proper date, you've had sex with each other on the first date (home date), he's not really putting in much effort besides coming to your house to have sex, he's still active on the dating site

 

So...why do you want to be in a relationship with him?

[alphamale]

So...why do you want to be in a relationship with him?

 

maybe she doesn't have any other prospects?

[Lexxi]

This is the same guy who didn't take you out on a proper date, you've had sex with each other on the first date (home date), he's not really putting in much effort besides coming to your house to have sex, he's still active on the dating site

 

So...why do you want to be in a relationship with him?

 

I don’t know where I put that he didn’t take me on a proper date. He did take me out and yes, we had sex the first night. He has since taken me out on dates, I’ve also been to his home as well. He’s showing more effort and interest. I can’t help how I feel, I do enjoy being with him.

[Lexxi]

maybe she doesn't have any other prospects?

 

I have been asked on dates, but I’m simply not interested in anyone else.

[Dis]

I don’t know where I put that he didn’t take me on a proper date. He did take me out and yes, we had sex the first night. He has since taken me out on dates, I’ve also been to his home as well. He’s showing more effort and interest. I can’t help how I feel, I do enjoy being with him.

 

You said it in the beginning of the thread

 

It's your pejorative

 

He just seems a little yucky, that's all

[CollinW]

You said it in the beginning of the thread

 

It's your pejorative

 

He just seems a little yucky, that's all

You don't know a thing about him other than he's treating a casual fling like a casual fling. What exactly is "yucky" about him?

[CollinW]

So what? Lexxi he is not your bf where he actually has tokeep in contact with his woman.

Man I hate it when women do this. It's one thing to have expectations but it's another thing when you expect someone else to live up to whatever expectations you've built up in your head.

[MaleIntuition]

I’ve posted about the guy I had been seeing for a month now. In my last post, I did mention there was very little to no communication between dates. Since then, we have seen each other and spent a good amount of time together given our work schedules, kids, and distance. He has since been more engaging, texting me more often and always making plans to see me before we part ways.

 

I know it’s only been a month. He’s still on the dating site, but I regret asking him much earlier on. But I’m curious to know if he’s dating/sleeping with other people. I can’t get myself to ask him because I don’t want to come across as needy or nosy. Maybe not ask him the dreaded “where is this going” question. But I’m curious if he’s having sex with other girls.

 

I don’t know when the right time is. I see him on Friday and will stay the night with him, but don’t want to ruin the night if that conversation becomes awkward. How do I ask, and would it be odd if I just texted him the question instead of doing it in person?

 

Happy to here that things are progressing.

 

There are no hard rules for when or how things should progress in a relationship, but what you are asking about is when and how to initiate the “define the relationship talk”. Definitely don’t discuss such things over text.

[Lexxi]

Happy to here that things are progressing.

 

There are no hard rules for when or how things should progress in a relationship, but what you are asking about is when and how to initiate the “define the relationship talk”. Definitely don’t discuss such things over text.

 

Thank you. So is one month still fairly early to bring it up? Or not necesssrily the DTR talk, but to ask if he’s seeing others? Or is that being a little too nosy at this point?

[MaleIntuition]

Thank you. So is one month still fairly early to bring it up? Or not necesssrily the DTR talk, but to ask if he’s seeing others? Or is that being a little too nosy at this point?

 

Hmm... asking if he is seeing others will very likely lead to a DTR talk though. And if you are uncomfortable with the latter perhaps it’s also to soon to bring up the former?

 

Time-wise it’s pretty early. But then again; after one month, relationships can look very different, and I think it makes more sense to bring it up when the relationship is at a certain point rather than after an arbitrary time frame.

[Lexxi]

Saw him Friday, stayed the night at his place until Saturday morning. He has not reached out to me since. And when saying goodbye, we had already talked about him seeing me tomorrow and staying the night.

 

I reached out to him yesterday basically just wishing him a good day, and he responded so generically with something like “I am, not too bad for a Monday, thanks for asking. I hope you are too.” And that was it. No mention of tomorrow which I thought was odd. I would really like to know if he still plans on it but don’t want to come across as eager and annoying. But at the same time, I was going to revise my schedule for him and if he no longer plans on it, I would like to revert to my original schedule.

 

Is it safe to assume he’s already fading out on me and just hoping if he says nothing, that I’ll forget about it, and he doesn’t plan on coming to visit? Or should I just risk looking pushy and ask him, even though he hasn’t initiated anything since I left his house Saturday morning? Up until this point, he has been very clear with plans and would text prior to our meetings with “Can’t wait to see you!” Or “Three more days ” I don’t know what transpired... One month in, I should feel comfortable asking but at the same time, the fact that he hasn’t initiated any conversation since Saturday morning and I have, makes me think I would begin to appear annoying if I reached out again today just to get some clarification. Or wait until tomorrow to see if he may reach out. Thoughts?

[Normm]

Wait until you hear from him.

[Saracena]

Wait until you hear from him.

 

This. In fact, I'd have other plans in place in the meantime.

[PRW]

I reached out to him yesterday basically just wishing him a good day, and he responded so generically with something like “I am, not too bad for a Monday, thanks for asking. I hope you are too.” And that was it.

 

That was it? That is pretty good. Why are you complaining?

 

No mention of tomorrow which I thought was odd.

If he already gave specifics about when/where he would show up,...then just wait till he shows up. If he doesn't show up then you got your answer. If you are worried about him not showing and you are left with no other plan,...then that is the position you put yourself in,...live with it.

 

Is it safe to assume he’s already fading out on me and just hoping if he says nothing, that I’ll forget about it, and he doesn’t plan on coming to visit? Or should I just risk looking pushy and ask him, even though he hasn’t initiated anything since I left his house Saturday morning? Up until this point, he has been very clear with plans and would text prior to our meetings with “Can’t wait to see you!” Or “Three more days ” I don’t know what transpired... One month in, I should feel comfortable asking but at the same time

You come across as very insecure. At least pretend you are not and don't bother him, wait for him to show up.

[ExpatInItaly]

You could always simply ask him what time you should expect him tomorrow night, as you have a couple errands to run first, or something to that effect. See how he responds.

 

I don't know if he's fading, but he doesn't appear to be overly enthusiastic either.