Author Lexxi Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 I know he’s back from the weekend with the kids, he was back in the morning. I don’t know why I do this to myself but I look on the site and he is on while at his home, then again in a different city close to home, then home again. And yet to even receive just a simple “hello” text from him since he left 3 days ago. Don’t know why I’m having a hard time with this, but I am. Now I’m not sure if he will even reach out regarding our weekend plans but if he does, not sure what to even say.
Author Lexxi Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 Sorry I keep posting... He’s been back since yesterday morning and hasn’t even reached out. Last contact was when he left my house Thursday morning, and I texted him to ask if he made it home ok. He replied with “Ues, I’m home now. Thank you for a wonderful day and evening, cant wait to see you again.” He has been checking the app, while on his trip and since he returned. But not even a quick hello to me, especially since we had already planned to spend the weekend together. I may not have to even consider canceling now, are your thoughts leaning toward perhaps he will not reach out at all and just sort of let the weekend slide by? Or do I reach out to him, ask how his trip was?
stillafool Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 My gawd, just leave him alone. It's only Monday so he has at least until Wednesday or Thursday to get back to you about the weekend. I thought you weren't going to have him spend the weekend with you anyway. 1
stillafool Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 what does "hanging out with" mean?? It basically means not going out but having sex. 2
Author Lexxi Posted October 1, 2018 Author Posted October 1, 2018 My gawd, just leave him alone. It's only Monday so he has at least until Wednesday or Thursday to get back to you about the weekend. I thought you weren't going to have him spend the weekend with you anyway. This is not just about the upcoming weekend. It’s also because I haven’t heard from him at all in four days. Logging in to the dating site took hardly any effort for him, but neither would a simple text to me.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 This is not just about the upcoming weekend. It’s also because I haven’t heard from him at all in four days. Logging in to the dating site took hardly any effort for him, but neither would a simple text to me. True, but when you indicated you wanted something casual, he evidently listened. This is indeed casual. That's not to say he would be behaving any differently if you'd said you were looking for a relationship at this stage in your life, necessarily. It's early to determine his true interest, but as I read it, he's lukewarm at this point. This is why I would not be having a weekend-long third date. 2
Zahara Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 This is not just about the upcoming weekend. It’s also because I haven’t heard from him at all in four days. Logging in to the dating site took hardly any effort for him, but neither would a simple text to me. In your initial post, you noted that even when you both first started communicating, you could sense he had low interest and he was very delayed in his communication. Nothing much has changed. He is treating this as casual dating, he's having fun with you, he's dating and engaging other women and he doesn't see a need to have frequent communication. Seems like nothing has changed on his part -- you on the other hand -- the dynamic has changed. Plus, you've only been on two dates with him so it's too soon to even tell if someone is truly interested. Since you are getting emotional about him, I'd suggest you move your dates out of the bedroom. The sex is likely creating attachment. Plan an activity date, try to get to know him in a different environment and keep dating others. 2
stillafool Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 This is not just about the upcoming weekend. It’s also because I haven’t heard from him at all in four days. Logging in to the dating site took hardly any effort for him, but neither would a simple text to me. You know that he is back in town and is not contacting you. He is choosing not to contact you. Stop chasing him. You can't make him talk to you. 2
stillafool Posted October 1, 2018 Posted October 1, 2018 Sorry I keep posting... He’s been back since yesterday morning and hasn’t even reached out. Last contact was when he left my house Thursday morning, and I texted him to ask if he made it home ok. He replied with “Ues, I’m home now. Thank you for a wonderful day and evening, cant wait to see you again.” He has been checking the app, while on his trip and since he returned. But not even a quick hello to me, especially since we had already planned to spend the weekend together. I may not have to even consider canceling now, are your thoughts leaning toward perhaps he will not reach out at all and just sort of let the weekend slide by? Or do I reach out to him, ask how his trip was? This is kind of telling Lexxi. I wouldn't get my hopes up for this weekend and to tell you the truth it may be what's best for you. This guy has very low interest or he would have rang you or texted by now. 1
vla1120 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I should have started reading this dating forum before posting my question about my daughters last week. This is exactly the type of stuff my daughter does. I’ll tell you what I told her. Regardless of how we, as women, SAY we are going to keep things casual and just want to have some fun, as soon as you add sex to the mix, Oxytocin is released in greater amounts in women’s brains then in men’s, creating a quicker attachment for us. I’m sure there are some women out there who can jump from partner to partner without getting caught up in emotions (like the men do that my daughter gets involved with). My daughter is not one of them and it sounds like you’re not, either. You have a choice. Either let him know you are interested in more than sex and see if there is a chance you two can date exclusively, or let this one go and look for someone else who is looking for more than something casual. 1
Dis Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 (edited) OP, I know you're hurt and confused by this situation but you created it by doing the following things... 1. Allowed him to put you on the back burner since the very beginning. He would take days to message you back on the dating app but you didn't seem to have a problem jumping to respond to him despite him not showing a lot of interest, taking days to message you back. If I were you, I would've nexted him right there. 2. You had sex with him without having him put in any proper effort whatsoever. All he had to do was message you occasionally, drive to your house and boom, sex is on the table no strings attached. The dude didn't even take you out for drinks or dinner and he gets his cake. 3. You alluded to only wanting something casual so he thinks he can hit it and run off, rarely text you, come back and hit it and everything is great. Why would he put in any effort with you when you never told him or showed him you wanted to be more than someone he has occasional sex with and doesn't have to date properly? You made it so easy for him to pretty much use you. But yet you're upset he's still on the site and not texting you? I understand you don't have a lot of dating experience but for someone that wants to be more than a notch in someone's bed post, you made yourself incredibly vulnerable and not exactly the epitome of what guys consider to be dating material. As to what to do now? My opinion may be a bit extreme considering I would never have sex with a guy I'm not exclusive with and wouldn't tolerate a guy not putting in the effort...but...I think this relationship has gotten off to a really bad start and once you have sex with someone, you can't exactly just wind things back. Plus he's out there dating other women, maybe having sex with other women so he's tied up. I would just throw this one back and start from scratch implementing some new rules like... 1. No sex until exclusivity 2. No home dates until you actually get to know the guy 3. The dude needs to put forth effort as in, take you out on proper dates, text you back in a timely manner...you know, decent guy stuff I also want to mention the danger of this situation that was really overlooked on your part. You invited a stranger from an OLD site into your home without having met him beforehand. He could've raped you for all you know. Second, I know some people are into casual sex, I think it's gross to have sex with a guy who could be having sex with another woman and isn't invested in me but I digress.....the danger in casual sex is STDs. They're on the rise, big time. You have kids, OP. You need to be safe. Go get tested. Some STDs can be contracted even with the use of condoms. End point, time for a big overhaul. New guy, new rules, and keeping yourself safe from this point forward Edited October 2, 2018 by Disillusionment373 3
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I would just throw this one back and start from scratch implementing some new rules like... 1. No sex until exclusivity 2. No home dates until you actually get to know the guy 2. The dude needs to put forth effort as in, take you out on proper dates, text you back in a timely manner...you know, decent guy stuff I also want to mention the danger of this situation that was really overlooked on your part. You invited a stranger from an OLD site into your home without having met him beforehand. He could've raped you for all you know. Second, I know some people are into casual sex, I think it's gross to have sex with a guy who could be having sex with another woman and isn't invested in me but I digress.....the danger in casual sex is STDs. They're on the rise, big time. You have kids, OP. You need to be safe. Go get tested. Some STDs can be contracted even with the use of condoms. End point, time for a big overhaul. New guy, new rules, and keeping yourself safe from this point forward All good advice, but we have had this conversation before... We've discussed all the reasons why it's a good idea to wait for sex, to keep your expectations reasonable, and to be safe - ie. Not inviting men home when you don't know them! Lexxi, it's the old saying... Those who do not learn from history, will be doomed to repeat it. 3
Dis Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 All good advice, but we have had this conversation before... We've discussed all the reasons why it's a good idea to wait for sex, to keep your expectations reasonable, and to be safe - ie. Not inviting men home when you don't know them! Lexxi, it's the old saying... Those who do not learn from history, will be doomed to repeat it. I'm sorry to hear this is a pattern for OP This is quite a dangerous, naive thing to do over and over again OP, think of your kids. You need to be safe. 1
Author Lexxi Posted October 2, 2018 Author Posted October 2, 2018 (edited) OP, I know you're hurt and confused by this situation but you created it by doing the following things... <SNIP> This is wonderful, thank you so much, I really appreciate this as you’ve really touched on the subjects with great advice. I actually didn’t straight away invite him to my home as the first meeting place. We met at a restaurant and he did buy the drinks. I know that doesn’t matter now and doesn’t really make much of a difference anyway. And I didn’t mention much about this before, but he’s not a *complete* stranger. Our companies actually work together and we were surprised to find out we had emailed each other. Few months back regarding work related stuff. So yes, stupid decision as always but I guess I didn’t feel threatened in any way or unsafe inviting him back to my place. An update though- I just couldn’t take it anymore honestly, so I thought it was worth a shot to just text him earlier saying I hope he had an amazing time and wished him a great day. I did not mention the upcoming weekend. He responded right away and mentioned some things he did and that he is really looking forward to seeing me. The conversation was light and sweet and he said some sweet things about kissing me and me being in his arms... which in the back of my mind I was thinking it was BS. I appreciate the advice, and although a lot of it is hard to process, you’re all right. And I really need to work on dealing with these types of situations the right way. Edited October 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 OP, I would let this one go. He just isn't that interested. Sure, he says some sweet nothings but he wasn't the one reaching out. He'll take whatever you're offering, it seems, but he isn't offering much in return, is he?
MaleIntuition Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 So all this is based on Your assumption that He should have reached out to message you? You have a date planned for the weekend: That’s him showing interest... It’s frustrating to see the standard advice: Dump him, he didn’t adhere to some arbitrary rule; therefore he can’t possibly be interested. There are never any guarantees, when we date we take emotional risks.
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I should have started reading this dating forum before posting my question about my daughters last week. This is exactly the type of stuff my daughter does. I’ll tell you what I told her. Regardless of how we, as women, SAY we are going to keep things casual and just want to have some fun, as soon as you add sex to the mix, Oxytocin is released in greater amounts in women’s brains then in men’s, creating a quicker attachment for us. I’m sure there are some women out there who can jump from partner to partner without getting caught up in emotions (like the men do that my daughter gets involved with). My daughter is not one of them and it sounds like you’re not, either. Many women fall into this trap, they think it is cool to say let's keep things casual and let's have fun, but that for many men means a girl who has taken herself off the "serious"/relationship shelf. She is not only having sex with him, she is presumed to be having casual sex with other guys too and is therefore not a girl he will want to invest either emotionally or financially in, she is put in the FWB/casual box. When she then wants to get serious with him, which she often does as the oxytocin kicks in, she has often already blown her chances as he no longer sees her as "relationship material", just some girl he can have casual sex and "fun" with... It is not "fair" it is not "right", but it is what it is... 2
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 An update though- He responded right away and mentioned he is really looking forward to seeing me. The conversation was light and sweet and he said some sweet things about kissing me and me being in his arms... Indeed. He will take what you are offering. If you text him and he only has to say "I'm looking forward to seeing you again..." to get you back in bed, that's a pretty good deal for him. There was little effort required from him to get sex again. Don't be swayed by a few kind words OP. If you want more than casual sex, then you need to demand more from these guys... 1
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I actually didn’t straight away invite him to my home as the first meeting place. We met at a restaurant and he did buy the drinks. He's not a *complete* stranger. Our companies actually work together and we were surprised to find out we had emailed each other. Few months back regarding work related stuff. So yes, stupid decision as always but I guess I didn’t feel threatened in any way or unsafe inviting him back to my place. I'm not saying this to be unkind, merely to demonstrate a pattern of behavior for you to consider... The last guy was also a guy who you knew from work, who you invited home rather quickly - and he turned out to be married! You thought you knew him too. I'm just suggesting, these men are "aquaintances." You work with them which gives you a false sense that you "know them" but for all intent and purpose, they are strangers. If you want to date them, go on a few dates and *really* get to know them before you invite them at home and get more familiar. A good guy who wants to actually date you will enjoy going on a few dates and really getting to know you, before you have sex.
stillafool Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 You never wait and give him an opportunity to reach out to you. It's always you chasing him down. What is it you couldn't take anymore - waiting?
LoverOfDance Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 @MaleIntuition Please be careful with your advice. It's pretty crappy tbh because you haven't paid proper attention to the specifics of her situation. If you encourage her, she might actually think dating this guy is a good idea. She is in a vulnerable state right now and she is likely unconsciously looking for confirmation bias. Op, this guy is not very interested. You know it in your gut and that is why you are freaking out. The thing about men like this is that they will take anything you offer. This will encourage you and you will think they actually like you when in actuality they don't really care that much. If you choose to keep dating him, he will go along with it but you will do most of the work. When you date a man like this, you will find yourself exhausted a lot of the time. The signs of his low interest were evident when he took days to respond to you in the beginning. From my experience, things usually don't change much when they start that way. 1
Kellens Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 I don't think you should see him this weekend. If you spend the whole weekend with him, probably having lots of sex, you will become even more attached to him and it will hurt that much more when he is distant again and eventually disappears. I know it is difficult because you want to see him and get that reassurance but think about how you will feel when he leaves. I'm sorry OP, but there are so many men out there, don't waste time on someone who isn't truly interested in you. I promise you, when you meet the right person you won't have to question their interest, you will know it is genuine by the person's actions. I know you'll probably still see him this weekend, at least try to look at him more objectively when you're around him. 3
MaleIntuition Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 @MaleIntuition Please be careful with your advice. It's pretty crappy tbh because you haven't paid proper attention to the specifics of her situation. If you encourage her, she might actually think dating this guy is a good idea. She is in a vulnerable state right now and she is likely unconsciously looking for confirmation bias. Op, this guy is not very interested. You know it in your gut and that is why you are freaking out. The thing about men like this is that they will take anything you offer. This will encourage you and you will think they actually like you when in actuality they don't really care that much. If you choose to keep dating him, he will go along with it but you will do most of the work. When you date a man like this, you will find yourself exhausted a lot of the time. The signs of his low interest were evident when he took days to respond to you in the beginning. From my experience, things usually don't change much when they start that way. Stop projecting your own anxiety and paranoia on everyone else’s situation. Your assumptions are not helpful and very counterproductive, since it’s based on the false assumptions that “all men want is sex”-BS. Since I, as a man; does not think like that, it should in theory be enough to prove that some men are looking for long term. The truth is that neither of us here knows what this man is looking for. Asking him would be a first step to find out. Sure he was slow in texting; before they even had met! There are simply to many unknowns to conclude anything at this point. “I think I might like him more than he likes me, therefore I better dump him now”. If OP is at an emotional state where she can’t handle dating (risk being hurt), she probably shouldn’t be dating to begin with. 2
LoverOfDance Posted October 2, 2018 Posted October 2, 2018 @Maleintuition Where exactly did i say that all men want is sex?? You made this assumption all on your own. I am currently in a committed relationship and had previously found myself in many situations similar to the Op's before i met my current partner. When i met my partner, i never once wondered whether he was interested enough or not. Op, this is your dating life and this is your experience. None of us can actually make any decisions for you. I hope you make the right decision for you though. 1
dispatch3d Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 I'm not overly liking the interest level of the guy here, when i like a girl I tend to text her a ton or really have to hold back my natural behaviour to not text her all the time. At any rate he seems standoffish and it just irks me. Also its making you needy which I think I'm reacting to negatively as well. 1
Recommended Posts