Having “the talk” with a new guy...

[Lexxi]

Well, not a relationship- I guess just someone I’m hanging out with. I just started an online dating profile about a month ago. Shortly after, I had started chatting with a guy on there. It seemed like his interest level was low, as sometimes it took him a couple of days to respond. For close to three weeks, we messaged, he complimented me, said he’s like to take me out, then one weekend we didn’t have our kids, he mentioned meeting up, but I was free on a day he wasn’t so that didn’t work out. The following Wednesday, I asked if he would like to meet up during the week. He mentioned the following week, mid-week, or that weeeknd since we didn’t have kids. I then extended my phone number so the ball was in his court, telling him if he’s prefer to communicate via phone instead of the app, here it is... he said he would text me later. Later came and went, then 9 days later, last Friday, I get a text out of the blue saying “this is so and so, happy Friday!” Then apologized for the last minute text but he would like to see me that evening or the following evening. I accepted that evening as I didn’t really have anything going on.

 

I was initially just looking for something fun and casual, and it’s been working for me... but that night, we found out how much we had in common. We had a great time and he ended up staying the night with me. After he left, he texted me thanking me for the wonderful time. The later on, I get the text “Can’t stop thinking about you, you’re amazing!”. Then for a couple of days I would get the “Good morning beautiful” text and the “good night, sweet dreams” text. 4 days later he came out to my house again in the middle of the week and stayed the night. Note he lives 45 miles from my house and it takes between 1-1.5 hours to get to my house. This time, I ordered takeout for us, then we just stayed in. It was already discussed that he wanted to see me again next weekend.

 

The following day, he had to leave to go on a trip with his kids, and supposedly he’s still there, as he claimed they’re back tomorrow morning. This is what somewhat bothers me... I know it’s very new and he owes me absolutely nothing, but I did go online just to see his last location he logged in. Yesterday, he was at one of the stops, then this morning, he was already at the port, returning from his trip. If he has the time to check his dating app, if he was at all interested in me, wouldn’t he take 5 seconds to shoot me a text?

 

I guess I thought we had more of a connection- If I got into all of it, this would be a much longer message, but so much is similar it’s almost eerie and we were shocked about a lot of things.

 

Oh, and I must mention, the other night he spent with me, I saw a flashing light on the floor in his pocket... throughout the night as we were up a lot, and it was clearly someone blowing up his phone- 2am???

 

So he’s already planning on spending the whole weekend with me next weekend since we are on the same kid schedule. At first was just Saturday, but before he left last time, we decided on the whole weekend. I’m feeling like he’s just seeing me out of boredom and not that interested after all. Any thoughts/insight? It bothers me a bit because I genuinely like this guy and want to see where it goes, but at the same time, don’t want to waste any time and effort on someone who feels lukewarm about me.

Edited September 29, 2018 by Lexxi

[smackie9]

You just said you wanted something casual....well this is what casual looks like. You are free to date anyone you wish, you have no obligation to him, as he has none to you. Your choice to stay with it or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would stop with all the overnight dates this soon, OP.

 

There's nothing wrong with having some fun, of course, but diving into it so early on sets a precedent you might not want if you're looking for something more serious.

[Lexxi]

You just said you wanted something casual....well this is what casual looks like. You are free to date anyone you wish, you have no obligation to him, as he has none to you. Your choice to stay with it or not.

 

That was what I wanted at first, but I genuinely like this guy, and would like more.

[smackie9]

You can't expect total commitment just because you sleep with him and get along. You only been together a few times..that hardly constitutes exclusivity. It is what it is....you both have your options open, and still see if this takes or not.

 

 

If you want more you have to tell him....he is not a mind reader.

[Lexxi]

I would stop with all the overnight dates this soon, OP.

 

There's nothing wrong with having some fun, of course, but diving into it so early on sets a precedent you might not want if you're looking for something more serious.

 

Third “date” already set for him staying the weekend next weekend, but yes, I was thinking of just backing off a bit and not initiating anything. Things progressed very quickly and now my emotions are involved.

[Lexxi]

You can't expect total commitment just because you sleep with him and get along. You only been together a few times..that hardly constitutes exclusivity. It is what it is....you both have your options open, and still see if this takes or not.

 

 

If you want more you have to tell him....he is not a mind reader.

 

Thank you, I do understand that. I guess I just don’t want to tell him this so early on and scare him off. Cause I really am enjoying his company right now.

[ExpatInItaly]

Third “date” already set for him staying the weekend next weekend, but yes, I was thinking of just backing off a bit and not initiating anything. Things progressed very quickly and now my emotions are involved.

 

And I believe this is the problem with sleepovers too soon. It creates a false sense of intimacy (and, subsequently, attachment) when you still hardly know him.

[BaileyB]

And I believe this is the problem with sleepovers too soon. It creates a false sense of intimacy (and, subsequently, attachment) when you still hardly know him.

 

Absolutely... not to mention the feeling of devastation when he realizes things are getting too serious and starts to pull back... the risk is that he got involved more than he had planned because “more” was offered so conveniently...

 

I hope it does work out for you Op, but I would really slow things down... this is moving really fast and you need to keep your expectations realistic.

[Lexxi]

Absolutely... not to mention the feeling of devastation when he realizes things are getting too serious and starts to pull back... the risk is that he got involved more than he had planned because “more” was offered so conveniently...

 

I hope it does work out for you Op, but I would really slow things down... this is moving really fast and you need to keep your expectations realistic.

 

I really appreciate it. I will certainly slow things down and plan on backing off. I just stupidly began to believe he might actually enjoy spending time with me, since we have spent the time we have without our kids, with each other, and he is now wanting to spend all of next weekend with me when he has the option of spending it elsewhere with someone else.

 

But at the same time, he is still on the dating app while he is away, and to me, if he was interested, if he had to time this weekend to log in at 3 different locations so far, he would’ve had the time to just shoot me a quick text- just to say hi, or even shoot a photo of the ocean, etc. Clearly this means I don’t meet his standards and he’s still looking for better, correct?

[InlandEmpire]

I'm going through something similar. I think you should lower your expectations so you don't get hurt. I hate to say it, but you're likely one of many girls he's seeing casually. When you add kids and completely opposite schedules to the mix, you have to assume that whoever is most convenient to him will win. You living that far away would be a turnoff to the guy I was seeing, you might as well be on another Continent to some guys. I had a great time too and went on lots of dates in the early days with my guy who wanted to keep it casual. We were hot and heavy and spent hours at the pool. He'd take me out too. He's ghosting now. Your friend sounds like he's playing the field and just living his life. It took him 9 days to text at one point. He runs hot and cold and it's early days. I think you should live your life and have some fun, don't back burner other potential dates.

[stillafool]

I really appreciate it. I will certainly slow things down and plan on backing off. I just stupidly began to believe he might actually enjoy spending time with me, since we have spent the time we have without our kids, with each other, and he is now wanting to spend all of next weekend with me when he has the option of spending it elsewhere with someone else.

 

But at the same time, he is still on the dating app while he is away, and to me, if he was interested, if he had to time this weekend to log in at 3 different locations so far, he would’ve had the time to just shoot me a quick text- just to say hi, or even shoot a photo of the ocean, etc. Clearly this means I don’t meet his standards and he’s still looking for better, correct?

 

He did enjoy spending time with you (the sex) but he like you were under the impression this was casual. His feelings just do not match yours. This is what happens when women say they only want casual but really want a relationship. You can't be afraid to scare someone off by telling them what you want. That makes you appear desperate. If you aren't getting what you want you should end it anyway. If you had waited and developed an emotional connection before the sex this would probably be different.

[smackie9]

Thank you, I do understand that. I guess I just don’t want to tell him this so early on and scare him off. Cause I really am enjoying his company right now.

If you scare him off he never had the same intentions. He would run anyways.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, he's keeping his options open, OP. And that is understandable, given that you two have only met twice.

 

However, given that he's been silent with you but still active on the dating app, I would assume he does indeed see you as a casual option at this point. But, have you initiated any contact with him? You said he was sending you some good morning messages before; have you reciprocated and been the first to reach out? Or do you wait for him to message you?

[Lexxi]

Yes, he's keeping his options open, OP. And that is understandable, given that you two have only met twice.

 

However, given that he's been silent with you but still active on the dating app, I would assume he does indeed see you as a casual option at this point. But, have you initiated any contact with him? You said he was sending you some good morning messages before; have you reciprocated and been the first to reach out? Or do you wait for him to message you?

 

Yes, I have reached out to him as well- As a matter of fact, after he left my house Thursday and had to make the long drive home, I did reach out and ask if he made it home ok. He replied saying he did, and thanked me for the wonderful time and he can’t wait to see me again. I haven’t reached out since then because I know he’s out of town with his kids, but evidently he still has time to check his dating app.

[Lexxi]

Ok, so the more I think of the whole situation, the more I’m thinking next weekend shouldn’t happen now. He is supposed to come over Friday after work and stay with me until Sunday morning. If he reaches out sometime when he’s back from his trip (because I won’t- like I said, I am backing off now), should I cancel?

 

I really liked him but the more things I think about- from him not reaching out as well, to being on the dating site... did I mention, he opened up his app when he was in my city (or at my house) the first date?... to his phone lighting up over and over during the wee hours of the night, the more I’ll be turned off thinking about it the whole weekend. It will be in the back of my mind. Or just move forward with what we had already planned, try to have fun then just leave him alone afterwards?

[BaileyB]

Ok, so the more I think of the whole situation, the more I’m thinking next weekend shouldn’t happen now. He is supposed to come over Friday after work and stay with me until Sunday morning. If he reaches out sometime when he’s back from his trip (because I won’t- like I said, I am backing off now), should I cancel?

 

I really liked him but the more things I think about- from him not reaching out as well, to being on the dating site... did I mention, he opened up his app when he was in my city (or at my house) the first date?... to his phone lighting up over and over during the wee hours of the night, the more I’ll be turned off thinking about it the whole weekend. It will be in the back of my mind. Or just move forward with what we had already planned, try to have fun then just leave him alone afterwards?

 

If it was me, I would have a conversation with the guy. Tell hm that you have enjoyed your two dates, and you would like to get to know him more... But, you are not ready to spend the weekend together until you know that you are dating and that you are exclusive. His answer will tell you everything you need to know.

 

There is nothing wrong with being casual. There is also nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. The problem arises when you don't know and/or don't communicate what you want - such that he thinks this is casual and you have decided you want more...

 

The decision about what to do this weekend depends on what you want for the relationship.

 

I do not do casual sex. So, I would MOST DEFINITELY NOT have a man stay over for the weekend if we have only had two dates, we are not exclusive, and I suspect that he is seeing other women...

Edited September 30, 2018 by BaileyB

[alphamale]

what does "hanging out with" mean??

[guest569]

Of course he enjoys your company! You're overthinking it and getting too invested. Just relax and see what happens. Don't rush things (emotionally). You claim you want to "hang out" casually but now you want what, instant relationship?

[greymatter]

I would have taken more time to get to know him and date, before sleeping with him, to make sure he is "all that" but you are beyond that now. That being said, you seem to really like him and I think you are rushing too fast to lock him down. He has every right to date others since you are sleeping together casually, and you are logging into the dating site to check on him so he may think you are doing the same thing.

 

When I started dating my partner, we didn't talk about exclusivity right away. Exclusivity happened over time, organically, but before that we were both still active on the dating app on which we met. I would slow down and see where things go. If you want to spend the weekend with him, then do, without expectations. If you've realized you rushed this, feel free to reschedule part or all of the weekend and take a slower approach. I wouldn't have a big talk with him. Spend time with him and get to know him and see if he meets your expectations for what you might want in a relationship. You barely know him at this point.

[Lexxi]

Of course he enjoys your company! You're overthinking it and getting too invested. Just relax and see what happens. Don't rush things (emotionally). You claim you want to "hang out" casually but now you want what, instant relationship?

 

No, of course not. I certainly don’t expect he would want to just dive into a relationship, but please excuse my ignorance when it comes to dating as it has been so long since I’ve actually been with someone I genuinely like.

 

So maybe I should ask, this is normal that he is scoping out the dating site everywhere he goes, and has time to do that with no time to just text hi to someone who he’s spent two nights with and is planning on spending the whole upcoming weekend with? I would think that would be signs indicative of a guy who doesn’t even give a crap about any of the time spent with me and that I’m not good enough so he keeps looking for someone who will fit the bill. And the phone blowing up (well, silent but something was flashing) at 2am... 3am...

[guest569]

I think everyone here puts far too much emphasis on sex. In my experience I can be head over heels madly in love with a guy even though sex didn't happen until much later in the relationship. Or I could have sex early on and still not really desire a relationship with the guy.

 

I do think you're reading too much into whether or not he has texted and how often his phone lights up or how often he checks the dating app. Maybe he is checking on you too. How often to you think he should text?

 

In my experience the frequency of texts does not correlate to the interest level or the likelihood that the relationship will progress.

[Lexxi]

I think everyone here puts far too much emphasis on sex. In my experience I can be head over heels madly in love with a guy even though sex didn't happen until much later in the relationship. Or I could have sex early on and still not really desire a relationship with the guy.

 

I do think you're reading too much into whether or not he has texted and how often his phone lights up or how often he checks the dating app. Maybe he is checking on you too. How often to you think he should text?

 

In my experience the frequency of texts does not correlate to the interest level or the likelihood that the relationship will progress.

 

I don’t really have an answer as to how often I think he should text. But I would think I would’ve at least heard from him once since Thursday, given that he’s had the time and desire to put forth effort into going on that dating site.

 

Also, I didn’t mention earlier- he lives about 1.5 hours from me, but actually works in a building pretty much next to mine about once a week. I would at least think by now, that he would shoot me a text to maybe meet me for coffee or lunch. Yes, he was there last week and didn’t even bother, he even told me he had to swing by there.

 

It’s just some signs may show interest as my friends have pointed out, at every day we have available where we don’t have our kids, we have and are making plans, and he’s driving that distance. So they tell me he’s putting forth effort in that sense. But the other times, I feel like he is not interested after all because I don’t hear much from him and he’s clearly still swiping and messaging/seeing others.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would stop freaking out about his phone lighting up at 2 am. You have no clue who it was.

 

I have had my best friend contact me in the wee hours when she's having some romantic crisis, my brother when it's late at night and he's pulling an overnight shift at work and sending me funny memes on his break, even my own mom after she had a painful accident and could not sleep at night. I also live overseas, and regularly receive messages from friends and family in a different time zone. When it's middle of the night for me, it's only the evening for them. My point is, you are jumping to a conclusion there.

 

As for the weekend-long date, I would do as another poster suggested and let him know that you would prefer to wait to spend an entire weekend together until you have gotten to know each other better. A whole weekend for a third date is way too much, in my opinion. You two are zooming part the courtship phase and killing off any sense of mystery and build-up too soon.

[BaileyB]

I don’t really have an answer as to how often I think he should text. But I would think I would’ve at least heard from him once since Thursday, given that he’s had the time and desire to put forth effort into going on that dating site.

 

Also, I didn’t mention earlier- he lives about 1.5 hours from me, but actually works in a building pretty much next to mine about once a week. I would at least think by now, that he would shoot me a text to maybe meet me for coffee or lunch. Yes, he was there last week and didn’t even bother, he even told me he had to swing by there.

 

It’s just some signs may show interest as my friends have pointed out, at every day we have available where we don’t have our kids, we have and are making plans, and he’s driving that distance. So they tell me he’s putting forth effort in that sense. But the other times, I feel like he is not interested after all because I don’t hear much from him and he’s clearly still swiping and messaging/seeing others.

 

It's been two dates... Let's remember that. You are not in a relationship yet. Keep your expectations reasonable. After two dates with my partner, we were seeing each other every other weekend (because he had kids), talking once or twice a week - not every day, and we hadn't had sex. We were still very much strangers, living our lives, very separately.

 

Sex creates a false sense of intimacy and expectations tend to rise accordingly.