Latino4Lyfe Posted October 17, 2018 Posted October 17, 2018 Hello everyone! I hope everybody here is doing well. It has been a really long time since I have been on these forums. But the time has come for me to come back and hopefully get some advice from you guys. You all have helped me a lot in the past and hopefully you guys can help now. Here's what is going on in my life...Right now I am in a relationship that has been going on for about a year and a half now. She currently lives with me at a house that is co-owned by me and my family. I inherited the house from my mother after she passed away several years ago. Here are some of the issues that have been brewing over the past few months: The house is only occupied by myself and her, however my family helps with the mortgage. Right now, I pay the utility bills, part of the mortgage while she pays groceries and small parts of the utility bill every now and then. Since my family unofficially moved out of the house, I have mainly kept things the same throughout the house and the rooms. My girlfriend feels bothered by it and wants us to fully redecorate the house to her liking so that she feels at home. One of the rooms in the house is empty, so I let her have that room so that she can do whatever she likes for now. She has enjoyed making that room into her makeup/closet room, but she is still upset that I am not doing anything to turn that house into her house as well. Recently, my family talked to me and decided that since they are no longer living there, that they need to start transitioning their portion of the bills over to me and my girlfriend. They are still willing to help me pay a little bit to make ends meet, but basically they want my girlfriend to start actually chipping in, because as a lot of you may know, a house can get expensive. I have tried to speak with her about this, and she says that she can try to help pay, but she wants full access to the house to do whatever she likes. My family is hesitant about her getting full access because they feel that she does not really do much to help keep the house clean and to remember that the house was inherited to me and that we always kept things nice and neat. In addition, I am expecting to see my family this weekend and she refuses to go. This will be my third time visiting them since they left and she has not gone with me not once to see them. We have visited her family 5 times over the course of this year for over a week, and she refuses to go with me to see mine for one day. I was hoping to see them last week, but she ended up making up some story to have me stay behind and tend to her instead. I have tried to talk to her about this and come to an understanding, but she just gets upset about it. I have also tried to speak with her about maybe getting our own place and us starting from scratch, and that we should work together on seeing what is perfect for US. She at first agreed, but from her actions I am seeing that she is searching for houses and items that benefit her more than myself and us. For example, yesterday she booked an appointment for us to see a house which turned out to be a condominium. When we first start browsing houses, we agreed on a budget, and what type of home. I said that I did not wish to be in a condo as it reminded me too much of an apartment, and that I liked our privacy and actual space. She had agreed, but obviously this happened. Also, while we were looking at this condo, she was very opinionated and kept saying things like "this is not what I pictured", "I want this condo to be how I want it", just selfish things like that. I am very upset and confused at pretty much everything about this. What do you guys think? Is this heading towards the end, or could something positive come out of all this? This is becoming really stressful . Thank you guys.
Zahara Posted October 17, 2018 Posted October 17, 2018 Based on your timeline -- is this by any chance the woman that you've mentioned in your past threads? She sounds entitled, self-absorbed and controlling. Compromise is a very important component in order for a relationship to thrive and survive. It doesn't seem that she is able to do that nor does she care. Have you talked to her about how her behavior affects you? Having been in relationships that are one sided, it often only gets worse. Especially when the other knows that they can dominate you. If you feel stressed now, wait until you are married. Don't make that mistake.
Author Latino4Lyfe Posted October 17, 2018 Author Posted October 17, 2018 Based on your timeline -- is this by any chance the woman that you've mentioned in your past threads? She sounds entitled, self-absorbed and controlling. Compromise is a very important component in order for a relationship to thrive and survive. It doesn't seem that she is able to do that nor does she care. Have you talked to her about how her behavior affects you? Having been in relationships that are one sided, it often only gets worse. Especially when the other knows that they can dominate you. If you feel stressed now, wait until you are married. Don't make that mistake. Hey Zahara, hope you are well. No, this is a different woman. The ones you are referring, I have not seen nor heard from since that time. I have spoken with her, and while I am talking to her she seems understanding, but then as soon as we are done talking and looking like we will work on things, she just goes straight back to what she does. Almost as if our discussion didn't even happen.
carhill Posted October 17, 2018 Posted October 17, 2018 Having been through all that stuff, IMO sell the house if you can't afford it on your own, take your inheritance from it and buy something you can afford, and eject the girlfriend. 1
Zahara Posted October 17, 2018 Posted October 17, 2018 Hey Zahara, hope you are well. No, this is a different woman. The ones you are referring, I have not seen nor heard from since that time. I have spoken with her, and while I am talking to her she seems understanding, but then as soon as we are done talking and looking like we will work on things, she just goes straight back to what she does. Almost as if our discussion didn't even happen. I'm well, thank you for asking. Based on experience, people very rarely change, especially when you are dealing with someone that has an ingrained sense of entitlement. That's why your words go in and out. Has she always been this way? I've been in relationships like yours and often twisted myself into a pretzel to accommodate and often looked past the red flags. I used to think that it's normal that relationships cause angst and anxiety but I was wrong. When it's right -- it is easy. I wish I knew then what I know now. I can't tell you what to do but based on her behavior, it isn't going to get any better. The fact that it's already causing a rift with your family, this isn't going to end well and will likely cause more issues in the future. 1
SunnyWeather Posted October 17, 2018 Posted October 17, 2018 Something that has not been mentioned was whether you were considering marrying this women. Depending on your state, if she has put in any money or work into the house, she could end up owning part of it, even if it was your inheritance. There could be other legal complications if you two were to separate even if not married. I'd look into that if I were you. Aside from that very important fact, it sounds like she is entitled and not very gracious in how generous you and your family have been to allow her to be living rent/mortgage free. As others have said, it looks like more problems down the line. Getting your own place (together) is probably a good idea to keep your assets separate. Whether you two can agree on the kind of dwelling or even how the process proceeds is a major hurdle for your relationship. good luck 1
Dis Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Well, she sounds like a bit of a brat Why can't she pay her share of the bills/mortgage? Does she work? If she's going to live there and wants to decorate she better pull her weight otherwise she doesn't have the right to overhaul the house. I'd be absolutely intolerant of someone living with me who doesn't split costs fairly. Second, as much as it pains me to say it, when we date someone we have to make an effort with our partner's family. It's not fair that you've seen her parents many times and she hasn't made an effort with yours. Again, selfish, bratty nonsense there. I think you come up with things to address with her and have a serious talk
Larry56 Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 For God's sake do not give her legal ownership to your house. This is hypergamy in action. Find another woman who appreciates actually having a loving relationship opposed to one who only sees you for your assets.
Million.to.1 Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 You are asking for trouble, for yourself and your family. Agree with Sunnyweather that you should check on the legalities of your relationship status and what she would be "entitled" to if you were to split-up. In my country, after 2 years together, couples are considered "defacto" which is pretty much the same as being married. Your assets will become 50% hers. Not sure how it works where you are, but you need to cover yourself if a house is involved as she could force you to sell for her share if things went bad and she wanted to be a bitch about it. She sounds like a selfish person, and considering she isn't really contributing much to the expenses and won't make any effort with your family who have been so generous toward her, I would definitely be making sure my assets were protected if I were you.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Why does she contribute so little financially? Does she not work, or..?
Kelliousme Posted October 18, 2018 Posted October 18, 2018 Yeah.. why don't you just get rid of her? A woman who doesn't consider your opinions, wants things her way, doesn't help you with financial troubles despite living in your house and feeding off you and your family is a woman that you should get rid of and stay far away from.
Author Latino4Lyfe Posted October 18, 2018 Author Posted October 18, 2018 Having been through all that stuff, IMO sell the house if you can't afford it on your own, take your inheritance from it and buy something you can afford, and eject the girlfriend. Honestly, with the way my family is behaving, I really do just want to get a new house completely mine whether she is a part of it or not. Co-signing on stuff can definitely get tricky from what I'm seeing now . Well, she sounds like a bit of a brat Why can't she pay her share of the bills/mortgage? Does she work? If she's going to live there and wants to decorate she better pull her weight otherwise she doesn't have the right to overhaul the house. I'd be absolutely intolerant of someone living with me who doesn't split costs fairly. Second, as much as it pains me to say it, when we date someone we have to make an effort with our partner's family. It's not fair that you've seen her parents many times and she hasn't made an effort with yours. Again, selfish, bratty nonsense there. I think you come up with things to address with her and have a serious talk She does have a job and works, her excuse for not wanting to pay is because she played no part in getting this house, therefore she feels uncomfortable...I call BS every time she says that. Why does she contribute so little financially? Does she not work, or..? Yeah, works 9-6 Monday thru Friday
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