I feel crazy

[LittleLion]

This is a long crazy tale...

 

My ex and I dated for about 9 months, very intensely, and I genuinely loved him. We had a few fights while we were together that stemmed around me not trusting him for being honest about drugs usage (he smoked a lot of weed, which I was fine with, but was dabbling in harder drugs and I feel like he may not have shared the full extent of it with me) and for hanging out with his female friend who had a boyfriend, but who he was hooking up with immediately before he started dating me. He also always talked about how he wanted to move to Hawaii one day (we live in Chicago), but had no concrete plans to do so. Around 6 months of dating he brought up moving in together, but because of all our issues, I freaked out and we go into a terrible fight. Our relationship wasn't the same for the months after the fight, but we were working on it. We went out of town together and I thought things were finally back on track. However, he broke up with me immediately after out trip that I thought went well (even though in hindsight I remember thinking his mental issues might have been getting to be too much- he had severe OCD and anxiety issues). The reason for the break up was that he loved me, but he was not committed because he wanted to move to Hawaii.

 

I was heartbroken when we broke up, he wanted to remain friends and I said I couldn't do that and unfriended him on Facebook. I asked him many times to explain to me why he didn't want to be with me, because his Hawaii excuse was so bogus. He also had an older brother who went through a recent divorce, who I think might have been coaching him through all this. I finally stopped texting him about a month after the break up and went NC for a month. After the 30 day NC, I sent him occasional snapchats. About 2.5 months after the break up he started texting me telling me he was sorry about the break up and he just panicked about making life decisions.

 

This was around the beginning of December when he started texting me. After him texting me, I got drunk and stupidly had him come over late at night and slept with him. We went out to breakfast the next day and he told me after the break up he had a breakdown and started taking anti-depressant for the past 2 months (which he stopped taking shortly after). We hung out at my place a few more times that week and I felt like things might have been getting back on track, but I saw his mental issues seemed to still be a little out of control. (He gave himself daily haircuts bc of his OCD). ***I realize how crazy he sounds as I write this, but he was also a really fun and smart person and at moments incredibly sweet.*** He also told me that he had saved $20k to move to Hawaii and I was shocked that I didn't realize he saved that much money while we were dating. After that week, he fell off, but I knew he went to Mexico with this brother for a long vacation. He messaged me again on Christmas and we were texting some more for the next few days and he was saying maybe his issue wasn't that he needed to move but that he was just unhappy with his hair and the way he looked. I was hoping he would make plans with me for NYE. NYE rolled around and he did not make plans, but texted me at midnight and I was so hurt that I didn't respond.

 

About 2 weeks into the new year, I sent him a text explaining that when we saw each other and started talking again I thought we might reconnect and get back together, but that I knew he had a lot of issues he was still working out. I also said I deserved better. He told me that I deserved consistent sweetness and he wanted to break up because he couldn't give me that. This annoyed me and I pressed him about why he really wanted to break up with me, because all I heard were dumb, immature excuses. A few days later, we were still texting and I mentioned that I was going to go to California to visit a friend who was trying to set me up with an old flame. I apologized for saying that and he told me that he broke up with me because he didn't love and that he didn't believe in love, but then apologized for saying that. After a bit more texting he said he didn't want to talk anymore because we broke up.

 

We stopped communicating for awhile. I went to Cali and hung out with the Old Flame, nothing happened but he sent me chocolates for Valentines Day after I went out there and I posted about it on my social media. My ex texted me again on my birthday in early March, and we started texting again. The next day his good friend messaged me to wish me a happy birthday and I was texting my ex more. However, he was texting me late and I thought to maybe see if he could hook up with me. Through out March there was a lot of texting between the two of us, I feel like it was more one-sided on my part, but he encouraged it. I said I would stop if was inappropriate, but he said it was fine. I would send a lot of texts but he would text if I didn't text after a few days. He texted me while he was at a bachelor party saying he thought the stripper was gross and he wished it was me. And on other occassions he asked me to come over and snuggle, but I was on guard to be used for a hook up. Toward the beginning of April I told him I was going to start dating someone else, in hopes it would make him ask me out. In response, he told me that he had slept with one other girl, but was mostly keeping to himself now. I flipped out on him and we had a terrible fight and I was very hurt. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship because of where he was mentally, but hoped he might feel better when the weather was better (dumb, I know). I didn't talk to him again for a few weeks.

 

I started dating a new guy, but he was very clingy and was moving too fast for what I was ready for at the time. This pushed me to reach out to my ex again because I still cared about him and I wanted him still. It was spring now and mentioned that I was playing tennis in the nice weather, which reminded me of him. My ex texted me back a few days later and said we should play sometime. I told my ex about the new guy, but that I wanted my ex basically. My ex told me he wanted to be with me last year, but was having existential crisis that prevented him from loving and I felt like I was being his therapist when we talked. He joked about us making babies, but then would not be very responsive to my texts. I started throwing my new relationship in my ex's face and we again got into a big fight. I said I wished he would just block me because things were getting crazy. He texted a few days later saying he wouldn't block me, and so I texted him a lot thinking he was just going through weird stuff mentally and he would text sporadically. He said he wanted to text less because it was unnatural, and that we should get coffee or play tennis instead, which I thought was a good thing.

 

Over memorial day, I text him (and kinda threw the guys I was dating for a month in his face again) and he told me he was in LA visiting a girl from high school that he reconnected with. And I lost it, I also broke up with the new guy I was seeing that same day. So I was super emotional that day.. My ex wouldn't say if it was romantic or not with the LA girl and refused to explain the situation to me He was being mean to me and said he wouldn't explain anything to me and that if I didn't stop texting I he would block me. I was soooo upset I threatened to kill myself (crazy, I know, but I wanted him to see how much he hurt me). He freaked out and called a bunch of times. The next day I apologized and said I didn't want to hurt anymore from this. I talked to my therapist and I blocked him the same day. It should have ended there.

 

About a month and half after I blocked him, my ex who never went Instagram started checking my stories periodically, which he never did before in our relationship. After 2 months of him being blocked I debated wishing him a happy birthday. I kept him blocked on my phone, but sent an e-card that simply wished him a happy birthday and he wrote back saying thanks.

I had some summer fun flings that kept me distracted, but they were nothing serious. My ex saw one of the videos I posted with one of the guys (which I didn't think he would see).

 

Shortly after that video, I noticed an unknown IG account that had 0 posts, 0 followers and 0 following started regularly checking my IG stories. The account appeared about a week after my ex looked at the story of me and the other guy. I discussed it with friends and there were mixed ideas as to who the stalker account might be. Some people thought it might have been my ex, other jsut some basement dweller. After about a month of the stalker watching my stories, I posted a pic of glittery handcuffs that my friend had as part of a gift bc she just became a cop. I messaged the stalker account and asked "Like what you see?" The person responded with "Intriguing snap I have to say.." CREEPY!!! I then asked if I knew the person, but they ignored me, but continued to look at my stories.

 

A few days later I asked the account "When are you moving to Hawaii?" The person didn't respond right away, but a day and a half later said "TBD. Pretty soon maybe". I thought I had busted the ex. I also got drunk and added the ex as a friend on Facebook that same week (which I regretted). I looked at his profile and he didn't appear to be seeing anyone and my ex watched the stories that I crossed posted to facebook, and when he didn't look at them, the stalker account looked at the same stories I posted IG. I had convinced myself the stalker account was my ex!!!

 

This is the worst part for me currently. I messaged the stalker account trying to get more info, but the person just ignored me. So then after a night of drinking I facebook messaged my ex after 3.5 months of basically no communication, I sent him a bunch of stupid messages that he ignored. Then he finally responded saying that he was seeing someone and that we shouldn't talk like this. I flipped out again and asked about Hawaii and everything and he said it was still on his mind, probably always on his mind. I was so hurt I said things to try and hurt him and then immediately apologized. He blocked me on facebook. The next day I felt like ****. I felt so stupid and so sad. I unblocked him on my phone and texted him. First, I apologized for last night and said I was stupid drunk and I thought he had been stalking me and that I was sorry my behavior and that I was sad to hear he was seeing someone, but I knew it would happen eventually and that I was sorry I disrespected that. He didn't respond, and I sent another totally sappy message saying that I knew it was too long and I was supposed to feel this way, but that I still loved him and I didn't know how to stop, even though I tried and that I'll never understand what I did wrong to lose it. He wrote asking if I had connected with anyone bc he knew I was dating. I said no and he said I would find the right person and the right time. I said maybe I know I just it was you. And then thanked him for being kind and to have a good night and he said you too.

 

My crazy ass was so upset that I send him an email later that week asking him to mail me back a book that was of sentimental value to me. He responded by texting me and asked if we could get together for coffee to catch up and he would give it to me. I was reluctant and said maybe. I also said if he wanted to just ask me to stop contacting him I would, I just wanted the book. He said it was nothing like that, he just thought it would be nice. A few days later I agreed, but as I was about to walk about the door, he called me basically having a panic attack and made bogus excuses and asked to postpone. I texted later that day saying we didn't have to meet if it was too uncomfortable. He said he would drop it off later that week and we could maybe catch up.

 

Later that week, he never dropped the book off. His good friend who messaged me on my birthday, messaged me though asking me for some help with legal advice. I talked to him and I couldn't help but ask if he was seeing the girl in LA he visited. His friend said he believed so, but he hadn't talked to my ex in a month and half, but he heard something. I was crushed. I asked his friend to remind him about he book, his friend also told my ex was in Boston (and I wondered if he met up with the LA chick), but he would tell him. The friend was very nice to me and understanding. I found the LA girl online after never stalking him and now I can't help but look at the profile all the time. During this time my ex was looking at my IG stories again from his account, after the blocked the stalker account and my account private. I didn't text my ex for 2 weeks and finally asked why he wouldn't give the book back. He said he was sorry and he was just lazy and that he would get it back to me asap. He dropped it off at my house the next day and I didn't see him. I haven't been texting him since.

 

I looked online and I saw the LA girl posted that she was in town over back over NYE and he liked the post, when I was waiting for him to ask me out and I feel so betrayed and I feel like I let myself spiral out of control. I am so hurt because I was strung along. I know I played games too. But I just wanted to know that I'm not crazy. I want to know that things will get better. I finally reached the point of knowing I don't want him back (which should have happened months ago), but I feel like I was broken up and hurt all over again and that I completely lost myself by messaging on facebook. I can't sleep at night thinking about him with this other girl. I feel like I lost my dignity and I feel stupid for believing him when he said he wanted to move to Hawaii. I just want to not care anymore and I want to know who the crazy one is here. Me, him or both.

Edited October 16, 2018 by LittleLion