Raising your voice at your bf/gf

[beowulf44]

Hi everyone! This is a kind of strange question, and I apologize if the answer is obvious.

 

I’m in a relationship right now which definitely has its shares of flaws. I asked my gf what my biggest flaw was, and she couldn’t think of many - but one was that I raise my voice when we argue sometimes. (Btw, we don’t have kids or anything)

 

Question: is this really a big deal? Or is she being sensitive

 

The reason I ask is because I never really considered whether raising your voice is a bad thing to not. It seemed normal in this relationship, so I did it. It didn’t seem normal in my past relationship, so I didn’t do it then. And in the relationship before that, again, it was normal, so I did it. I also grew up in a house where yelling was not uncommon.

 

MY gf’s exact words: you change when you become mad. You become loud, your eyes change, and Im afraid you’ll one day go too far and hit me. To be clear, I would never hit anyone, and the thought has never even come close to crossing my mind. Ive never even insulted her nor dropped a curse word when I'm angry though (no f you's etc)

 

I told her I didn’t realize it was a bad thing, and that I was sorry it made her feel like that. Is ohs right that this is a truly damaging quality? I saw some psychologists say raising you voice can be healthy - but if it is not, id like to stop.

 

Sorry if its a dumb question.

[alphamale]

there is nothing wrong with raising your voice once in a while when the situation warrants. just make sure nothing physical goes along with it

[kendahke]

Do you like being on the receiving end of anyone yelling at you?

 

Anything you have to say can be said without increasing decibels.

[BaileyB]

My gf’s exact words: you change when you become mad. You become loud, your eyes change, and Im afraid you’ll one day go too far and hit me.

 

Is it a problem - well, do you want your girlfriend to be afraid of you? Do you think that could be a problem in your relationship?

 

Look - raising your voice is quite common in some cultures. Whether you are comfortable with raised voices may in fact depend on who you are and how you were raised. I go into some homes and feel quite uncomfortable with voices that I consider to be "raised" and "angry," while it's normal conversation in their home...

 

But, I will say - my boyfriend has never raised his voice to me and I have never raised my voice to him. And, if he became loud, his eyes changed and became angry, and I felt afraid that he would one day hit me - I would be done with the relationship. I don't treat people that way, and I expect the same in return.

 

Good on you for asking the question and reflecting on the feedback you have received - not just dismissing it. I hope all goes well for you both...

[basil67]

Raised voices sometimes happen when one feels they are not being heard.

 

Now, you've had a relationship in the past where you didn't raise your voice and one where you did. Compare the conflict resolution styles in the did yell/didn't yell relationship and see if you can find the trigger. What is the difference in how conflict is resolved? How are you feeling at during the times your arguments get to the stage of yelling at her?

 

And yes, I can understand her being frightened of the body language she sees in you.

[d0nnivain]

If the worst thing you do when upset is raise your voice, it's not so bad. Do make note of this & try to control yourself but don't think too poorly of yourself.

 

Plain vanilla, no passion everything is always even keeled with no highs or lows is not the answer either.

[FMW]

I don't think there is anything wrong with raising your voice, per se, but the problem is that your girlfriend doesn't like it. We all have different ways of communicating.

 

I wouldn't like it either and probably would never be with someone for long who did. But again, that doesn't make it wrong - just wrong for me.

[elaine567]

MY gf’s exact words: you change when you become mad. You become loud, your eyes change, and Im afraid you’ll one day go too far and hit me.

 

 

She will be walking on eggshells...

That is not good.

[preraph]

I grew up in a household that yelled at times, and it makes me sick to my stomach to hear it as an adult. It brings up all the old fears. I think part of it is what you are yelling, though, too. If you're belittling or calling names, that's abuse. I mean, I yell at people like AT&T or strangers who are not doing me right, if that's what it takes. But I just think yelling shouldn't be a normal part of your relationship. When you do have kids, it's totally unacceptable, so you better get used to not doing it now.