I lost weight and now things are worse with her

[formerfedora]

So let me give you guys who are nice enough to read this and offer advice a little bit of a back story. My now girlfriend and I have been childhood friends for years (we known each other since we were 7 years old). She developed young and was always a head turner and the center of attention. She would go out a lot and was always in high demand with the boys at school. For awhile I was your almost typical "nice guy." I was overweight for the longest time, which got worse as the years went by and I was her shoulder to cry on. I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 17, and she was always supportive of the girls I went out with. I always had the hugest crush on her though and it always bothered me the guys she went out with.

 

When we were both 21, one day things happened. I was single and in no hurry to date anyone and her boyfriend at the time cheated on her. The typical role played as usual: she'd open up, talk to me, tell me how mean men were, how big of a jerk the guy was, and bawl her eyes out while I did my best to comfort her. This time it was different... she told me how much of a great guy I was and went in and began kissing me. Afterwards, she wanted to take things very slow but we dated.

 

During the times we were dating early on in the relationship, we were big time a huge mismatch. People either never noticed me, or gave me bad looks like "how the hell did you get her?" and according to her friends I was a sweet, nice guy, but they were shocked that she pursued me. My geeky center of friends gave me huge kudos but couldn't believe that she was finally mine.

 

One day it happened... I overheard a group of girls stating that they couldn't believe that my girlfriend, who was a very shapely, toned, blonde, went after a creepy, fedora wearing weirdo like me, and they snickered. I didn't want to come off as the insecure type so I never brought this up to my girlfriend. I immediately began showering more often and buying various acne creams to get rid of my horrendous acne. I became more self aware and began brushing my teeth more frequently.

 

I noticed my girlfriend becoming more affectionate at that time, she was more open to kissing me instead of just holding my hands and things began to slowly improve in the bedroom (the love life with her at first was almost nonexistent). I was determined to no longer be a mismatch. I was tired of the looks, I was tired of being just a "nice guy" and tired of the subtle hints that her and some of my friends would lay out (such as tagging her or me onto posts on social media about celebrity mismatches where one partner of a couple was hot and the other less fortunate).

 

I began to lay off the video games and junk food (no more Doritos) and began eating healthier and actively asking my girlfriend to go on walks. I was shocked at how much weight I lost the first month but was extremely determined (I was a little over 400lbs so dropping 25lbs the first month was great). So then I joined a gym and got a great personal trainer and really began shedding the weight.

 

My insecurities fluctuated throughout this weight loss journey because I began to develop very loose and baggy skin, which I would tape underneath my shirt. I also began to look into men's fashion and decided to fix up my hair and also shaved off my unkept beard in order to apply more stuff on my face to remove the acne scars that were left behind. My girlfriend was now becoming more affectionate and really was my personal cheer leader.

 

I decided to open up an Instagram page and post my before and afters and developed a small but growing following as I began to inspire people. A year and a half ago, I decided to get skin surgery to remove the excess skin and my acne scars were all but gone. I felt like a brand new man and to my surprise, I wasn't getting bad looks anymore, nor was I labeled creepy. I even got numbers from other girls who wanted to text, which I laid out the fact that I had a girlfriend, and things started to really become a huge ego boost. Mind you throughout this entire time I have been faithful.

 

Shortly thereafter from the surgery I really began to lift heavier to put on muscle mass and began looking up online facial exercises that male models do to help keep/develop their jaw lines and tone up their face. I became very active sports wise and made more friends, though I still, when I want to geek out, kept my old circle of friends. What was amazing was my girlfriend who I thought for the longest time had a low to medium sex drive (it fluctuated), began to really want to spice things up much more in the bedroom.

 

So far things are looking great right? I thought so too, until I noticed one day my girlfriend caught other people checking me out and since then she's kept tabs on me and it really began to get worse this year. She began to demand to look at my phone and read my texts, girls who were on my Instagram that were complimenting me or hitting on me, she demanded that I blocked or removed, she wanted me to take pics to prove where I was at and even began messaging my male friends to be sure I was with them.. she began to become crazy.

 

There were times when I was at work that she dropped everything she did and came over to make sure I was at work... there were times where if I didn't respond right away to a message, she'd freak out and when she saw me, cause a scene. I remember one time I was with family and she came over and started to scream her head off and began crying hysterically because she tried to call me and my phone was off.

 

Even though I feel much healthier, and I'm a lot more confident, I hated where my relationship has gone to. It's driving me crazy, and I don't understand why she's gotten this way when I'm exactly the same faithful guy I was when we began dating. She's been through my phone a thousand times, and has promised to "get rid of her male friends if I got rid of my female friends" and goes ballistic when I told her I trust her and she doesn't have to get rid of her friends and I feel I don't have to get rid of mine.

 

We're in our mid to late 20s now and I really want to know what to do at this point and would like some advice.

[PRW]

First,...why the hell haven't ya's got married by now? Late 20's??? A few more years and it will become dicey for her to try to have kids. You've known each other since you were 7yo,...what is there left to "get to know"?

 

Few things:

 

1. She was probably always a bit insecure, you just wasn't in a position to notice it.
   
2. You were the Beta Male Orbiter that got lucky and got the girl on the rebound.
   
3. You were "safe" to her, other girls didn't want you, she didn't have any competition. But things have changed, girls notice you now, she has competition,...and is freaking out about it.
   
4. On top of the competition that she didn't have before, you are both in the late twenties, a few years away from the "prime" of having a family but you haven't tried to make a family with her. Instead you have focused all this effort on yourself. Why? To get other chicks that you couldn't before? You're trying to replace her? Why else make all these changes when she accepted you the way you were? That is what she is going to think!,...particularly if she is a bit insecure.
   

[elaine567]

Some people are happy dating guys/girls that they know other members of the opposite sex do not find that attractive. It makes them feel safe and secure.

 

Once that woman starts losing weight, gets plastic surgery, starts wearing sexy clothes, wears more make up and guys start to notice, her partner can often dump her as he cannot cope with the new her. He feels he can't compete with other guys, he is on edge and stressed, also he loved pizza nights and curling up on the sofa, now she is at the gym...

 

You also did an about turn, she is now scared she will lose you as from Mr Geeky Fedora you metamorphosed into an instagram "celebrity" with a following of no doubt hot girls... She hates it, she can't trust you or them, maybe more to the point, and she is now insecure, on edge and stressed out.

[MalachiX]

A few random observations:

 

 

 

One day it happened... I overheard a group of girls stating that they couldn't believe that my girlfriend, who was a very shapely, toned, blonde, went after a creepy, fedora wearing weirdo like me, and they snickered.

 

I decided to get skin surgery to remove the excess skin and my acne scars were all but gone. I felt like a brand new man and to my surprise, I wasn't getting bad looks anymore, nor was I labeled creepy.

 

I don't want to hijack this thread but your use of "creepy" really stuck out to me. We talk a lot these days about how shallow men are when it comes to appearance yet stuff like this should remind us that it goes both ways. You got branded as "creepy" for daring to date a woman who some people found more attractive than you were. Most men probably are more appearance focused than most women but it's worth remembering that women can be just as shallow; they just seem more likely to use code words when they're discriminating based on appearance.

 

Which leads me to...

 

 

I was determined to no longer be a mismatch. I was tired of the looks, I was tired of being just a "nice guy" and tired of the subtle hints that her and some of my friends would lay out (such as tagging her or me onto posts on social media about celebrity mismatches where one partner of a couple was hot and the other less fortunate).

 

So...that's pretty ****ed up. Whether or not you were over-weight is not the issue. Passive-aggressively trying to body-shame you on social media is an amazingly crappy thing to do and it's shocking to me that your GF would not call out her friends for this BS? Where her "subtle hints" as cruel as her friends?

 

I think maybe you might want to spend some time looking at this relationship and figure out what needs it filled for both of you (and if it's a healthy relationship). Maybe your GF is just having a momentary bout of insecurity because she's not used to seeing you as an object of desire for other people.

 

Or...maybe there's a chance that your GF liked the mis-match in power of this relationship. She was the hot one. She got to call the shots because you felt she was out of your league. Now she has to have a relationship with someone who is on equal footing and that doesn't sit well.

[coolheadal]

So let me give you guys who are nice enough to read this and offer advice a little bit of a back story. My now girlfriend and I have been childhood friends for years (we known each other since we were 7 years old). She developed young and was always a head turner and the center of attention. She would go out a lot and was always in high demand with the boys at school. For awhile I was your almost typical "nice guy." I was overweight for the longest time, which got worse as the years went by and I was her shoulder to cry on. I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 17, and she was always supportive of the girls I went out with. I always had the hugest crush on her though and it always bothered me the guys she went out with.

 

When we were both 21, one day things happened. I was single and in no hurry to date anyone and her boyfriend at the time cheated on her. The typical role played as usual: she'd open up, talk to me, tell me how mean men were, how big of a jerk the guy was, and bawl her eyes out while I did my best to comfort her. This time it was different... she told me how much of a great guy I was and went in and began kissing me. Afterwards, she wanted to take things very slow but we dated.

 

During the times we were dating early on in the relationship, we were big time a huge mismatch. People either never noticed me, or gave me bad looks like "how the hell did you get her?" and according to her friends I was a sweet, nice guy, but they were shocked that she pursued me. My geeky center of friends gave me huge kudos but couldn't believe that she was finally mine.

 

One day it happened... I overheard a group of girls stating that they couldn't believe that my girlfriend, who was a very shapely, toned, blonde, went after a creepy, fedora wearing weirdo like me, and they snickered. I didn't want to come off as the insecure type so I never brought this up to my girlfriend. I immediately began showering more often and buying various acne creams to get rid of my horrendous acne. I became more self aware and began brushing my teeth more frequently.

 

I noticed my girlfriend becoming more affectionate at that time, she was more open to kissing me instead of just holding my hands and things began to slowly improve in the bedroom (the love life with her at first was almost nonexistent). I was determined to no longer be a mismatch. I was tired of the looks, I was tired of being just a "nice guy" and tired of the subtle hints that her and some of my friends would lay out (such as tagging her or me onto posts on social media about celebrity mismatches where one partner of a couple was hot and the other less fortunate).

 

I began to lay off the video games and junk food (no more Doritos) and began eating healthier and actively asking my girlfriend to go on walks. I was shocked at how much weight I lost the first month but was extremely determined (I was a little over 400lbs so dropping 25lbs the first month was great). So then I joined a gym and got a great personal trainer and really began shedding the weight.

 

My insecurities fluctuated throughout this weight loss journey because I began to develop very loose and baggy skin, which I would tape underneath my shirt. I also began to look into men's fashion and decided to fix up my hair and also shaved off my unkept beard in order to apply more stuff on my face to remove the acne scars that were left behind. My girlfriend was now becoming more affectionate and really was my personal cheer leader.

 

I decided to open up an Instagram page and post my before and afters and developed a small but growing following as I began to inspire people. A year and a half ago, I decided to get skin surgery to remove the excess skin and my acne scars were all but gone. I felt like a brand new man and to my surprise, I wasn't getting bad looks anymore, nor was I labeled creepy. I even got numbers from other girls who wanted to text, which I laid out the fact that I had a girlfriend, and things started to really become a huge ego boost. Mind you throughout this entire time I have been faithful.

 

Shortly thereafter from the surgery I really began to lift heavier to put on muscle mass and began looking up online facial exercises that male models do to help keep/develop their jaw lines and tone up their face. I became very active sports wise and made more friends, though I still, when I want to geek out, kept my old circle of friends. What was amazing was my girlfriend who I thought for the longest time had a low to medium sex drive (it fluctuated), began to really want to spice things up much more in the bedroom.

 

So far things are looking great right? I thought so too, until I noticed one day my girlfriend caught other people checking me out and since then she's kept tabs on me and it really began to get worse this year. She began to demand to look at my phone and read my texts, girls who were on my Instagram that were complimenting me or hitting on me, she demanded that I blocked or removed, she wanted me to take pics to prove where I was at and even began messaging my male friends to be sure I was with them.. she began to become crazy.

 

There were times when I was at work that she dropped everything she did and came over to make sure I was at work... there were times where if I didn't respond right away to a message, she'd freak out and when she saw me, cause a scene. I remember one time I was with family and she came over and started to scream her head off and began crying hysterically because she tried to call me and my phone was off.

 

Even though I feel much healthier, and I'm a lot more confident, I hated where my relationship has gone to. It's driving me crazy, and I don't understand why she's gotten this way when I'm exactly the same faithful guy I was when we began dating. She's been through my phone a thousand times, and has promised to "get rid of her male friends if I got rid of my female friends" and goes ballistic when I told her I trust her and she doesn't have to get rid of her friends and I feel I don't have to get rid of mine.

 

We're in our mid to late 20s now and I really want to know what to do at this point and would like some advice.

 

Wow you peaked at 400 lbs, for me it was 348 lbs. I started to lose the weight 8 years ago. I hit 154 lbs but then I looked skinny. So at 190 lbs I had look great. I won't do any operations because to me doctors don't care and might forget what they're doing with the scapulae..

 

Yes when you loose the weight people will smile at you more. I know and woman will flock around you as well. Your GF got jealous of you now looking better and women are looking at you now. Your a new guy. If you love her you would do the right thing. Make her happy. You got her and she's with you no need to keep woman friends. I do keep them still and my GF has her guy friends but she doesn't talk to them like prior. She's like your GF kept on asking me who I am talking too.

 

Play your cards right and do what she wants you to do! If you don't she'll leave you...

[Andy_K]

Your girlfriend never got over being cheated on. It made her deeply insecure about guys being unfaithful, and she's been terrified of it ever since. She started dating you because she knew you were really into her, and not attractive enough to have other options as hot as her. You were the safe choice to make her feel secure.

 

Now you do have options, her insecurities are flaring up again in a big way. There's no easy fix for this. I'm not normally one to recommend this, but she needs some psychological assistance from someone more qualified than you'll find on these boards.

Edited October 17, 2018 by Andy_K

[Logo]

It was more than just weight loss. You’ve transformed yourself. You’ve clearly put in a lot of work and effort into it.

 

So you’ve changed. Was that over the span of a few months or are we talking about years? It’s not clear because you start with 21 and then mention late 20s.

 

What was the main motivation behind your posting on Instagram? Think back about how you felt when you decided to open an account and post pictures.

 

I’m a little unclear about something. On the one hand you mentioned a following on Instagram, but on the other hand you also mentioned female friends. Is there any connection there or are the two groups unrelated?

 

It goes without saying, but your girlfriend is going through a major emotional crisis and it needs to be resolved for your relationship to be strong, healthy and endure.

 

Before you make any decisions known or say anything to your girlfriend, consider all the possible outcomes of whatever decision you decide to make.

 

Better yet, have you thought about seeing a relationship therapist without your girlfriend knowing about it and sharing with him or her the story and questions you’ve posted on this board?

Edited October 17, 2018 by Logo

[smackie9]

I can see why she's gotten a little crazy. You are not the same person, not even close, and the change is a challenge for her to adjust to. You would feel the same way if she transformed into a very attractive girl right?

 

You need to adjust too, and set boundaries. A good start is to put yourself in her shoes, and empathize what she is going through. The girls openly hitting on you on social media, I can see her point, can't you? How would you like it? That is something that you both can discuss and work through with boundaries, behavior issues, privacy, etc. Just some simple communication will fix this...maybe not over night, but this relationship is repairable....work through her insecurities, make some changes and it will be just fine.

[olivetree]

Agree with a lot that has already been mentioned.

It's a huge adjustment for your gf and she still has trust issues from being cheated on before.

 

You might be physically faithful but it's not very clear if you're flirting back with your Instagram followers or what your boundaries are with your female friends.

Or if there is some overlap and you've "befriended" your hot Instagram

followers.

 

Definitely more detail is needed here...

[formerfedora]

Thank you all for responding. I have a feeling it's in large part that yes she was cheated on before.

 

 

As for the female friends.. to clarify, these were girls I bumped into at malls, when I'm going on a run etc. They're usually really cool once I tell them that I have a girlfriend and they respect the fact that I don't mess around. Some of them can be flirty, but I never reciprocate.

 

 

 

As far as my Instagram, I don't flirt back. I will say thanks, but never flirt back.

 

 

As for the reasons why I haven't married her, she made me take this relationship slow and the weight loss took a span of 2 years, that's why I had to get surgery to remove excess skin.