Is he ghosting me now?

[zoe82]

First of all: I'm a german girl and our dating is totally different from yours. We dont really date casual multiple ppl. If we meet someone we like, we go on some activities together or dinner dates and if it works- fine. If not we move on.

 

So i met this guy 4 weeks ago online. He's from the states- i live in Germany. I met him online because i wanted to make new friends, since im planning to move the US 2019.

 

Due to his job situation, it was obvious from the beginning of our virtual flirt, that he would be in in my town 4 weeks later. So we decide to plan a date and since then we texted or called us on a daily basis. We both counted down the days until we would finally meet in real life. We both were so excited!!

 

In those 4 weeks virtual contact, there hasn't been a day without him so far. And then we finally met in person and had a lovely evening together. We went for dinner, talked ongoing like we knew each other since long times. He made some very nice compliments about some little details on me and he was very thoughtful. He also said he like very much what he sees and what he hears.

 

While dinner he already asked me, if it would be possible to travel in nearby countries to meet up and if so, what would be the most uncomplicated destinations (due to his job he's a lot in my neck of the woods). I thought this was very nice of him and a way of showing me interest in continuing dating me.

 

After dinner we had a walk through my hometown and sat down beside a river. It was a romantic situation and the was like:" I gotta kiss you now..." and kissed me.

 

From this point on we couldn't stop kissing and smiling the rest of the evening. We strolled back to his hotel and he was grabbing and holding my hand until we ended up in his hotel room and made a bit out. But we didn't have sex. He said:"I wasn't expecting anything. It would have been totally fine, just the two of us for dinner...So now we have something to look forward for the next time..."

 

At the end of this evening he called me a taxi home, kissed me good bye, said we will do this again soon and said i should text him, when i got home safe. And i did so.

 

Next early morning he was on his way back to the states and texted me from his flight, as always. Also i the next day i received a message from him right after he woke up, which is nice, because it means im the first thing on his mind when he wakes up. He needed to work so we didn't text much. And now since 2 days its completely nothing. No text from him. Silence.

 

Its been 6 days now since our date and he hasn't asked me out for the next date. I mean, i know its much more difficult for us, because our dating situation depends on where and when he needs to travel to. But he knows his plan one month ahead, so i guess he should already know when he will be in my corner, right?

 

Is his interest in me slipping, because he dont text as much as before? Is this already ghosting? Im just confused. And yes, i really like him! And i don't date casually. I concentrate on him and want to give him a fair shot to see where this is going.

 

I really want to understand your dating culture. Thats why im asking.

 

Thanks, Zoe

[PegNosePete]

Most likely he is dating others too and decided he likes someone else better. Or that the distance / infrequency of seeing you is not what he's looking for.

 

Yes it's ghosting and it's pretty rude in any culture! He should at least explain what's going on rather than just going quiet.

[Zahara]

Do you reach out to him or are you sitting there waiting for him to always communicate with you?

 

In any case, your situation is hard to maneuver — long distance is not for everyone and it is difficult to sustain.

[GoldenBeauty]

From the looks of it, he does like you. But he has other options. And he's entertaining those other options. Don't drop him just yet. But I would suggest that you don't put all of your energy into him. And don't get your hopes up on him. Don't be sad. You don't know this guy very well. Just allow him to be an option and you date other men as well. DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP ON HIM. because to be honest it seems as though he's found someone he's more interested in than you. DO NOT PUT ALL OF YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET!

 

I'm speaking from experience. Hope you do better than I've done in the past.

[zoe82]

Yes it's ghosting and it's pretty rude in any culture! He should at least explain what's going on rather than just going quiet.

Due to his job and his whole behave i would of guessed he explains it to me, if he find somebody else... youre right its rude!

 

Do you reach out to him or are you sitting there waiting for him to always communicate with you?

No, i reach out, too. It has been a good balance. Last message included a random question from my side. No answer.

 

From the looks of it, he does like you. But he has other options. And he's entertaining those other options. Don't drop him just yet. But I would suggest that you don't put all of your energy into him. And don't get your hopes up on him. Don't be sad. You don't know this guy very well. Just allow him to be an option and you date other men as well. DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP ON HIM. because to be honest it seems as though he's found someone he's more interested in than you. DO NOT PUT ALL OF YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET!

I'm speaking from experience. Hope you do better than I've done in the past.

I hear you. Thank you. I need to catch myself, because i already like him and of course im sad, that it turns out like this now.

 

Some people told me, its pretty common in the US to not text any more every day after a first date. But i feel like, he's not interested any more.

[ExpatInItaly]

Did you meet him on a dating site, OP?

 

I would guess that is likely seeing others anyway, given how far apart you are and how little you will have the chance to meet in person. He wanted to see you because he knew he'd be in your area, but probably doesn't feel the need to solidify future plans right now.

 

You want to concentrate on him, but from his perspective, this is causal and he doesn't know you well enough to want to exclude other options that would be more convenient.

[GoldenBeauty]

did you meet him on a dating site, op?

 

I would guess that is likely seeing others anyway, given how far apart you are and how little you will have the chance to meet in person. he wanted to see you because he knew he'd be in your area, but probably doesn't feel the need to solidify future plans right now.

 

You want to concentrate on him, but from his perspective, this is causal and he doesn't know you well enough to want to exclude other options that would be more convenient.

 

agree. You hit the nail on the head!

[zoe82]

Did you meet him on a dating site, OP?

 

I would guess that is likely seeing others anyway, given how far apart you are and how little you will have the chance to meet in person. He wanted to see you because he knew he'd be in your area, but probably doesn't feel the need to solidify future plans right now.

 

You want to concentrate on him, but from his perspective, this is causal and he doesn't know you well enough to want to exclude other options that would be more convenient.

 

agree. You hit the nail on the head!

 

Thats what i don't get: he travels a LOT also in europe. While dinner he asked me, which of all european cities would be fine for me to fly to for another date. And thats wasn't the first time, he asked me that. He also mentioned to maybe come back to my hometown on his own for some vacancies. Why would he consider this all, if not really interested in me. I mean, he also admitted that he was very surprised that we were able to keep this whole online conversation and phone call thing interesting for so long before the date.

 

And now i find myself here doubting my own feelings. Thats just sad.

[GoldenBeauty]

Thats what i don't get: he travels a LOT also in europe. While dinner he asked me, which of all european cities would be fine for me to fly to for another date. And thats wasn't the first time, he asked me that. He also mentioned to maybe come back to my hometown on his own for some vacancies. Why would he consider this all, if not really interested in me. I mean, he also admitted that he was very surprised that we were able to keep this whole online conversation and phone call thing interesting for so long before the date.

 

And now i find myself here doubting my own feelings. Thats just sad.

 

He's chatting with other women sweetheart. You shouldn't get sad over a guy that you haven't even known that long and have only gone on one date with. This is very common. Especially with men that you meet from online. You need to get stronger. I'm one to talk. But I don't get upset over men that I've only known for a short time. And I'm a pretty fragile person. You don't even know this guy sweetheart. Stop being attached and clingy to him.

[sabaton]

First of all: I'm a german girl and our dating is totally different from yours. We dont really date casual multiple ppl. If we meet someone we like, we go on some activities together or dinner dates and if it works- fine. If not we move on.

 

So i met this guy 4 weeks ago online. He's from the states- i live in Germany. I met him online because i wanted to make new friends, since im planning to move the US 2019.

 

Due to his job situation, it was obvious from the beginning of our virtual flirt, that he would be in in my town 4 weeks later. So we decide to plan a date and since then we texted or called us on a daily basis. We both counted down the days until we would finally meet in real life. We both were so excited!!

 

In those 4 weeks virtual contact, there hasn't been a day without him so far. And then we finally met in person and had a lovely evening together. We went for dinner, talked ongoing like we knew each other since long times. He made some very nice compliments about some little details on me and he was very thoughtful. He also said he like very much what he sees and what he hears.

 

While dinner he already asked me, if it would be possible to travel in nearby countries to meet up and if so, what would be the most uncomplicated destinations (due to his job he's a lot in my neck of the woods). I thought this was very nice of him and a way of showing me interest in continuing dating me.

 

After dinner we had a walk through my hometown and sat down beside a river. It was a romantic situation and the was like:" I gotta kiss you now..." and kissed me.

 

From this point on we couldn't stop kissing and smiling the rest of the evening. We strolled back to his hotel and he was grabbing and holding my hand until we ended up in his hotel room and made a bit out. But we didn't have sex. He said:"I wasn't expecting anything. It would have been totally fine, just the two of us for dinner...So now we have something to look forward for the next time..."

 

At the end of this evening he called me a taxi home, kissed me good bye, said we will do this again soon and said i should text him, when i got home safe. And i did so.

 

Next early morning he was on his way back to the states and texted me from his flight, as always. Also i the next day i received a message from him right after he woke up, which is nice, because it means im the first thing on his mind when he wakes up. He needed to work so we didn't text much. And now since 2 days its completely nothing. No text from him. Silence.

 

Its been 6 days now since our date and he hasn't asked me out for the next date. I mean, i know its much more difficult for us, because our dating situation depends on where and when he needs to travel to. But he knows his plan one month ahead, so i guess he should already know when he will be in my corner, right?

 

Is his interest in me slipping, because he dont text as much as before? Is this already ghosting? Im just confused. And yes, i really like him! And i don't date casually. I concentrate on him and want to give him a fair shot to see where this is going.

 

I really want to understand your dating culture. Thats why im asking.

 

Thanks, Zoe

 

 

He wanted to have sex with you, you didn't want it to happen so soon, he said it was okay and that you two would have something to look forward to next time you'd go out for a second date, but he never bothered with arranging for asecond date - because he wanted sex and you didn't have it with him.

 

 

He's probably having sex with other women.

[GoldenBeauty]

He wanted to have sex with you, you didn't want it to happen so soon, he said it was okay and that you two would have something to look forward to next time you'd go out for a second date, but he never bothered with arranging for asecond date - because he wanted sex and you didn't have it with him.

 

 

He's probably having sex with other women.

 

He probably wanted sex with her yes. But I wouldn't be so quick to assume that's ALL he wanted. But it's a possibility. But it's also a possibility that he does want to get to know her but he is also dating other women.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thats what i don't get: he travels a LOT also in europe. While dinner he asked me, which of all european cities would be fine for me to fly to for another date. And thats wasn't the first time, he asked me that. He also mentioned to maybe come back to my hometown on his own for some vacancies. Why would he consider this all, if not really interested in me. I mean, he also admitted that he was very surprised that we were able to keep this whole online conversation and phone call thing interesting for so long before the date.

 

And now i find myself here doubting my own feelings. Thats just sad.

 

He's interested when he's in your area, or should you even be in his, but he's not putting himself on hold for you. That's what I meant, really. He will probably see you again, but he's not necessarily expecting this to become a serious dating prospect.

[zoe82]

He wanted to have sex with you, you didn't want it to happen so soon, he said it was okay and that you two would have something to look forward to next time you'd go out for a second date, but he never bothered with arranging for asecond date - because he wanted sex and you didn't have it with him.

 

 

He's probably having sex with other women.

 

And he could! He's not committed. And im single 100%, too.

I just wanna add, that he forgot to bring a rubber. He said he forgot them at home. (Like there's no chance to buy them anywhere, if thats soooo important.)

 

I'm pretty sure, its not about the sex, because he had his fun:p

 

Anyway im pretty sure, he lost his interest, or he must be damn sure about me.

Edited October 16, 2018 by zoe82

[zoe82]

He's interested when he's in your area, or should you even be in his, but he's not putting himself on hold for you. That's what I meant, really. He will probably see you again, but he's not necessarily expecting this to become a serious dating prospect.

 

Well, to see me again, he will need to put more effort in, like before. Im not one to get easy on a date- this he already know.

[Purrrfect]

It takes 30 seconds to send a text. I expect any guy interested in me to text me once a day at least. My ex Hub texted me numerous times a day every day for our relationship. Ghosting is rude and cowardly and it has happened to me too.

 

 

 

 

Due to his job and his whole behave i would of guessed he explains it to me, if he find somebody else... youre right its rude!

 

 

No, i reach out, too. It has been a good balance. Last message included a random question from my side. No answer.

 

 

I hear you. Thank you. I need to catch myself, because i already like him and of course im sad, that it turns out like this now.

 

Some people told me, its pretty common in the US to not text any more every day after a first date. But i feel like, he's not interested any more.

[zoe82]

It takes 30 seconds to send a text. I expect any guy interested in me to text me once a day at least. My ex Hub texted me numerous times a day every day for our relationship. Ghosting is rude and cowardly and it has happened to me too.

 

Absolutely. Ghosting seems to be number one to escape from any kind of relationships these days.

 

How many days without a message is ghosting? 2.5 days now.

[zoe82]

So... its been more than 2 weeks now without hearing from him.

 

6 days ago i wanted to get my final closure and sent him a simple and plain text, like "How are you?"

 

Radio silence. And i was ok with it. Even it still hurt i got my closure. He obviously didn't want contact and i accepted it. I deleted his number, all of his hundreds of pics he sent me, our chat...everything. And i moved on. I let go.

 

Now this: i woke up this morning to his text, where he said he was sorry for his late reply but he was having some family issues because a close family member died.

 

I didn't react to this and left him on unread. I mean, i believe him because he is very close to his family. But still... no 20 sec to just let me know, that you need time for whatever?

 

Any thoughts? Experiences with ghosts coming back and their excuses?

[ExpatInItaly]

Meh, I would just leave it alone now. You are more invested than he is.

 

He's got other things to attend to, he's had a family death, and he lives very far away. The likelihood of this going somewhere is slim to none, if we're being realistic.

[zoe82]

He's got other things to attend to, he's had a family death, and he lives very far away. The likelihood of this going somewhere is slim to none, if we're being realistic.

 

Why would he get back to me than? You mean, he's just checkin' in to see, if i'd still be available?

[Zippy2000]

So... its been more than 2 weeks now without hearing from him.

 

6 days ago i wanted to get my final closure and sent him a simple and plain text, like "How are you?"

 

Radio silence. And i was ok with it. Even it still hurt i got my closure. He obviously didn't want contact and i accepted it. I deleted his number, all of his hundreds of pics he sent me, our chat...everything. And i moved on. I let go.

 

Now this: i woke up this morning to his text, where he said he was sorry for his late reply but he was having some family issues because a close family member died.

 

I didn't react to this and left him on unread. I mean, i believe him because he is very close to his family. But still... no 20 sec to just let me know, that you need time for whatever?

 

Any thoughts? Experiences with ghosts coming back and their excuses?

 

 

 

I have a female friend that went through the same thing. Ghosting. its rude and a way to come in and out of your life when it suits THEM.

 

 

My friend met someone online. Spoke on the phone for 2 hours and then said to her would be nice to talk next day and he said would phone her and didn't follow through.

 

 

Radio silence for 2 days and then says he was busy with his kids and said he will call back later and then again Radio silence. She knew the second time when he disappeared that was his chance. She didn't want to waste anymore time and let him go.

 

 

People come back to you because they wonder if youre still available. It also boosts their ego as someone is there for them. I only give my time for people who don't waste mine!

[Mrs._December]

These two statements TOTALLY contradict each other:

 

Well, to see me again, he will need to put more effort in, like before. Im not one to get easy on a date- this he already know.

 

And...

 

I'm pretty sure, its not about the sex, because he had his fun

I'm guessing you had nonreciprocal sex (meaning he had his fun thanks to you). That's why they call it oral SEX, because it's sex. So I'll assume you DID have sex on this date - only it was one-sided.

 

6 days ago i wanted to get my final closure and sent him a simple and plain text, like "How are you?"

"Closure" for WHAT? You saw the guy for one date. What do you possibly need closure on? Edited November 2, 2018 by Mrs._December

[zoe82]

...People come back to you because they wonder if youre still available. It also boosts their ego as someone is there for them. I only give my time for people who don't waste mine!

You're absolutely right! Thats what i supposed. He's checkin in to see if im still available.

 

I'm guessing you had nonreciprocal sex (meaning he had his fun thanks to you). That's why they call it oral SEX, because it's sex. So I'll assume you DID have sex on this date - only it was one-sided.

 

"Closure" for WHAT? You saw the guy for one date. What do you possibly need closure on?

 

We made out. Yes. But we didn't sleep together. Anyway we both had fun. And thats ok.

 

I needed closure because i felt something for him. It was maybe just one date but we chatted and called for one month each day. I felt a bond and it got stronger during the date because it was now also physically. We kissed and smiled all the time.

 

For me this had meaning and i was about to fall for him. And if all over sudden this person vanishes on you, it kinda hurts. You are left behind with a million questions why he ghosts you. And then you start to hope from one day to another he would finally call again and explain everything.

 

I needed closure. He didn't reply and i moved on. That was my kinda closure.

 

An now he's trying to get back... just when i was about to really move on and start dating other guys...

[damni]

You're absolutely right! Thats what i supposed. He's checkin in to see if im still available.

 

 

 

We made out. Yes. But we didn't sleep together. Anyway we both had fun. And thats ok.

 

I needed closure because i felt something for him. It was maybe just one date but we chatted and called for one month each day. I felt a bond and it got stronger during the date because it was now also physically. We kissed and smiled all the time.

 

For me this had meaning and i was about to fall for him. And if all over sudden this person vanishes on you, it kinda hurts. You are left behind with a million questions why he ghosts you. And then you start to hope from one day to another he would finally call again and explain everything.

 

I needed closure. He didn't reply and i moved on. That was my kinda closure.

 

An now he's trying to get back... just when i was about to really move on and start dating other guys...

 

 

It does not matter about culture, if a man is into you then he will contact you regularly and try to see you. I had guys disappear then reappear, guess what? nothing substantial has come from these men.

 

 

You have the added bonus of being from different countries, seriously just meet a man near you. He just wants hook ups when he travels to different countries.

 

 

You have had only ONE date, remember that. Date men in your own area and dont speak too much time texting etc before meeting.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why would he get back to me than? You mean, he's just checkin' in to see, if i'd still be available?

 

No, he probably got back to you because he doesn't dislike you and doesn't want to seem like a total jerk for not responding at all.

 

But you are low on his list of priorities, regardless of the reason. He's not trying to "get back", simply because there was really nothing to get back to. Meaning, you went on one date and he hadn't committed to anything. You were always free to date other guys.

 

This isn't worth putting yourself on hold for. I know it's disappointing, but I feel your expectations going into this were too high.

[zoe82]

It does not matter about culture, if a man is into you then he will contact you regularly and try to see you.....

You have the added bonus of being from different countries, seriously just meet a man near you. He just wants hook ups when he travels to different countries....

You have had only ONE date, remember that.

 

Yea...sure... you're right. Of course he would contact me regularly and would not use the death of somebody in the family as an excuse.

 

No, he probably got back to you because he doesn't dislike you and doesn't want to seem like a total jerk for not responding at all....

Why would he care if we never see again? He just could have stayed ghost.

 

This isn't worth putting yourself on hold for. I know it's disappointing, but I feel your expectations going into this were too high.

 

He keeps texting me. Asks how i've been. I dont know how to deal with this situation. I know everybody keeps telling me it just has been one date. But sometimes one date is enough to feel something. I'm only human.

 

I should delete his attempts in getting to chat and keep on moving...