Hoskins Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 (edited) Me and my partner have been together for 4 years August 2018 and have been living together since April 2017. I was currently living in our flat prior to her moving in, she did move in quickly as I had a family death that effected me badly and I really needed her. My partner herself has mental health issues and has eating disorders too. After speaking to her therapist about all of her issues (mainly from childhood) the advice given was "you need to have your own space and time to find out who you are and what you want" and then after speaking to her family they believe we moved in to quick together so said maybe her getting her own flat, where she can have her space but at the same time have to stand on her own two feet financially. Because currently I have had to deal with finances as I lived alone for a few months. I am trying so hard to be strong for her because we both love each other immensely and are finding this hard, I personally am struggling as when I'm alone in the flat without her since this as arose I feel so trapped I feel scared and alone, I hated living on my own and was counting down the days until I could live with her. But with this I'm so scared it's going to be the end of us, we both want to stay together but at the same time she wants a bit of freedom, because as a child she was controlled heavily by parents and was always told how to feel and what to do. I'm trying so hard to do this but I don't know how I can cope. I was planning on popping the question at Christmas but I don't think it's the right time now. Please help I don't think I can live with myself and All I want is her, she is everything to me. But at the same time it's not fair for me to make this harder for her. Please help Edited October 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
PegNosePete Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 It's my experience that moving in a backwards direction in a relationship signifies the beginning of the end. It may be that you moved in too early but moving out now would be a big step backwards and almost like a "trial separation" for a married couple. It's perfectly possible for her to stand on her own 2 feet and have your own space whilst living together. Also my experience that dating someone with mental health issues, when they get better they tend to move on from you. Not that they aren't grateful for the help you've given them, but when they are better they see the myriad other options that are open to them which weren't there before. Definitely don't go popping any questions until this is resolved.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 But at the same time it's not fair for me to make this harder for her. One definition of love is a willingness to sacrifice for our partner even if it comes at some expense to us. Looks like this is the path you'll have to take and see where it leads you. Do you have someone you can talk to while this is going on? Mr. Lucky
d0nnivain Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 If you don't like living alone, get a roommate or a pet but do not count on her to fix this issue for you. If her therapist is telling her to live independently, then that is what she should do. Hopefully you will still be able to date. For work reasons I had to stop living with my EX & we managed to carry on for over 1.5 years after we stopped living together. The change of address is not what caused our break up although logistically it was probably easier. You have to recognize that the 4 walls of your flat are not what is holding you two together; if they are, then you don't have a relationship worth fighting for anyway.
Jr567673 Posted October 20, 2018 Posted October 20, 2018 Hi Hun. Sorry you're going through this. If she wants space the best thing to do is let her. In regards to living alone I promise that soon you will love the freedom. I live alone after living with my husband for 10 years and I honestly now cannot remember what it was like when he was around. Do what you need to, binge watch, meditate and find why makes you happy. You were happy before her and you will be happy again x
Redhead14 Posted October 21, 2018 Posted October 21, 2018 Me and my partner have been together for 4 years August 2018 and have been living together since April 2017. I was currently living in our flat prior to her moving in, she did move in quickly as I had a family death that effected me badly and I really needed her. My partner herself has mental health issues and has eating disorders too. After speaking to her therapist about all of her issues (mainly from childhood) the advice given was "you need to have your own space and time to find out who you are and what you want" and then after speaking to her family they believe we moved in to quick together so said maybe her getting her own flat, where she can have her space but at the same time have to stand on her own two feet financially. Because currently I have had to deal with finances as I lived alone for a few months. I am trying so hard to be strong for her because we both love eachother emensley and are finding this hard, I personally am struggling as when I'm alone in the flat without her since this as arose I feel so trapped I feel scared and alone, I hated living on my own and was counting down the days until I could live with her. But with this I'm so scared it's going to be the end of us, we both want to stay together but at the same time she wants a bit of freedom, because as a child she was controlled heavily by parents and was always told how to feel and what to do. I'm trying so hard to do this but I don't know how I can cope. I was planning on popping the question at Christmas but I don't think it's the right time now. Please help I don't think I can live with myself and All I want is her, she is everything to me. But at the same time it's not fair for me to make this harder for her. Please help My partner herself has mental health issues and has eating disorders too. -- Enough said. But, she is right. She is still living as a child even though she is an adult. What you, as the partner really has is a parent-child relationship. She's reached a point apparently, where she realizes it's time for her to grow up and be an independent, self-sufficient, secure woman in her own right and really doesn't have the skill set to be a partner in a relationship. And, if she jumps into another relationship quickly, she really and truly has not embraced her reality and the next guy is going to be dealing with "her" issues too. But at the same time it's not fair for me to make this harder for her. - So don't make it harder. Wish her well in her journey and realize that you are ultimately helping her in a big way by letting her do what she needs to do.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 What sort of mental health issues does she struggle with, OP? Do you have a support system around you as well? You will need one. It's not usually a positive sign when a relationship regresses in this way, but if she feels she needs to do this, then there is not a lot you can do about that. Do you know if she'd already been thinking about this prior to getting her therapist's confirmation that this was the right step for her?
ThorntonMelon Posted October 22, 2018 Posted October 22, 2018 OP I am sorry that my response to this is going to be pretty blunt but it comes from a loving place. Your posting sounds extremely codependent. I really needed her I personally am struggling as when I'm alone in the flat without her I feel scared and alone was counting down the days until I could live with her so scared it's going to be the end of us don't know how I can cope If her family, her friends, her therapist are all telling her that the best thing she can do for her mental health is to get away from living with you, then this is an opportunity for you to address the issues that clearly you're having being comfortable with yourself. Instead of just pining for her on your couch, how about you talk to someone about these feelings of fear you have and work towards making you a better you? If she comes back you'll be all the stronger for her and if she doesn't you'll be in a better place for someone else. But please understand that you need to give her space and you need to take space for yourself to find what is missing in you. She cannot fill that void.
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