Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 (edited) So, shortly after my dad died, this amazing girl came into my life. We had so many shared interests, we got along great, and we never seemed to have any problems. Now that I look back on it, it was only several months ago that we officially became girlfriend/boyfriend but it all felt so right. She helped me escape from my grief and pain, and she eventually told me about trauma that happened in her own life. One of her ex's died from an OD. Now, I absolutely love and adore this girl, but the last time we were together, I told her something about my past. That I tried cocaine once, many years ago while I was still young. Boy did that set her off. She said she needed space. She didn't want space, but she needed it. She said she still loved me and she would need a couple days. She said she wouldn't be mad if she didn't love me. I have been waiting for her to contact me, I sent her a letter in the mail and tried calling. I am usually extremely patient but my anxiety is getting the best of me and I feel like I no longer know where we stand. I think what I said scared the $%@$ out of her but I can't take it back now. This taught me a lesson, that maybe something's are better kept secret and not everything has to be 100% transparent. The thing is, this girl seemed 100% perfect for me. And I would be devastated if lost her. Was I right to send her a love letter, telling her how I felt? Was calling too much? I absolutely do not want to push her away but I need to know where we stand and she has been going no contact with me. Any advice? Should I just wait it out, and wait for her to reach out to me or should I try to establish contact later down the road? It's only been 3 days since I've heard from her but my anxiety and depression have been wreaking havoc and these last 3 days have felt like an eternity. Edited October 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs
Gretchen12 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 If she wants to end it because of that, then you are NOT right for each other. But I suspect that's not the only/real reason. Anyway, you have to just accept yourself as you are. That event does not define you. It's everything together that gives you asense of identity and self assurance. Yes you did that before, it's the truth, it is in your past. The right person will accept you as you are. 1
j402 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 Wait a second here.....You're saying she freaked out and is ignoring you because you told her you tried cocaine once? That's insanity. Yes, you probably should have never even told her. If you were a recovering addict, then yes, you should tell her. But the fact that she's being a drama queen over you sharing that is a huge red flag. She's wanting attention. 1
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 14, 2018 Author Posted October 14, 2018 Wait a second here.....You're saying she freaked out and is ignoring you because you told her you tried cocaine once? That's insanity. Yes, you probably should have never even told her. If you were a recovering addict, then yes, you should tell her. But the fact that she's being a drama queen over you sharing that is a huge red flag. She's wanting attention. But if she's wanting attention, why won't she respond to me? I was very genuine in my letter, all of this waiting is bringing me back down really low again and I've been pretty depressed. Should I just wait and hope for the best, accept that it's over, or try to win back her affection? I don't want to lose her but being on the fence and not knowing where I stand feels very unhealthy
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 14, 2018 Author Posted October 14, 2018 If she wants to end it because of that, then you are NOT right for each other. But I suspect that's not the only/real reason. Anyway, you have to just accept yourself as you are. That event does not define you. It's everything together that gives you asense of identity and self assurance. Yes you did that before, it's the truth, it is in your past. The right person will accept you as you are. One of my friends said something very similar, that if she ends it over this, then she was just looking for a way out. But the thing is, at this point, I'd rather know if it was over or not so I can quit obsessing over it and just handle the heartbreak instead of letting my anxiety and my hopefulness duke it out
DontBreakEven Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 [quote=Probablyonlyhereonce;7653067} But the thing is, at this point, I'd rather know if it was over or not so I can quit obsessing over it and just handle the heartbreak instead of letting my anxiety and my hopefulness duke it out Ugh. I hear that. What a great way of putting it. My anxiety and hopefulness was duking it out for days on end in my current situation - and I've never felt anything more horrific. At least now, for me, I have my answer and now it's just depression - which is only slightly better.
basil67 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 Everyone has a past. If your partner can't accept that you have a past, that you've had life experiences and grown and learned from it....then you don't want them in your life. 2
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 14, 2018 Author Posted October 14, 2018 Ugh. I hear that. What a great way of putting it. My anxiety and hopefulness was duking it out for days on end in my current situation - and I've never felt anything more horrific. At least now, for me, I have my answer and now it's just depression - which is only slightly better. I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out. But closure definitely helps. My last girlfriend broke up with me the day after my dad's memorial. The relationship grew toxic and almost like a miracle, this new girl came into my life and helped me cope and forget about that. But now I left questioning what will be and where we stand.
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 14, 2018 Author Posted October 14, 2018 Everyone has a past. If your partner can't accept that you have a past, that you've had life experiences and grown and learned from it....then you don't want them in your life. Do you think i should keep waiting, or just emotionally sign off?
j402 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 But if she's wanting attention, why won't she respond to me? I was very genuine in my letter, all of this waiting is bringing me back down really low again and I've been pretty depressed. Should I just wait and hope for the best, accept that it's over, or try to win back her affection? I don't want to lose her but being on the fence and not knowing where I stand feels very unhealthy She will eventually come around when YOU stop trying. Try it and see....she will come to you if you just stop trying. She is punishing you unfairly. If her heart was open to you, she would not be shutting you out over something so minor. She should embrace you for your openness and not shut you out. Do me a favor...stop trying and let me know how it goes...she will come around..I can promise that. I am a girl...I KNOW THINGS. You have done more than enough reaching out..it's time for her to come around. STOP!
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 14, 2018 Author Posted October 14, 2018 She will eventually come around when YOU stop trying. Try it and see....she will come to you if you just stop trying. She is punishing you unfairly. If her heart was open to you, she would not be shutting you out over something so minor. She should embrace you for your openness and not shut you out. Do me a favor...stop trying and let me know how it goes...she will come around..I can promise that. I am a girl...I KNOW THINGS. You have done more than enough reaching out..it's time for her to come around. STOP! Thank you for the advice. I really hope You're right. She told me that night she has been really happy with me and we've never had an actual disagreement before. I was just hoping to see her before she goes out of state to visit her grandparents, but I should probably just wait it out and see what happens. I've never been so angry at someone that I couldn't be around them but then again not everyone is the same
j402 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 Thank you for the advice. I really hope You're right. She told me that night she has been really happy with me and we've never had an actual disagreement before. I was just hoping to see her before she goes out of state to visit her grandparents, but I should probably just wait it out and see what happens. I've never been so angry at someone that I couldn't be around them but then again not everyone is the same Something is off. If you were truly right for each other, there would not be any question about how you felt about each other. Just remember that. I feel that she is playing games to test you and that is not normal. You are a pure hearted person and you deserve pure hearted love. If this is not the right person for you, you will know. Keep your heart open and ALWAYS trust your gut.
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 14, 2018 Author Posted October 14, 2018 Something is off. If you were truly right for each other, there would not be any question about how you felt about each other. Just remember that. I feel that she is playing games to test you and that is not normal. You are a pure hearted person and you deserve pure hearted love. If this is not the right person for you, you will know. Keep your heart open and ALWAYS trust your gut. She did say she loved me before I left that morning. I'm starting to think her needing "space" means that it's over in her mind but she wants time to emotionally distance herself from me so she doesn't hurt when she does end it. If it ends, so be it I suppose. I'm still grateful for all the help she has given me, and I'm glad it happened.
j402 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 She did say she loved me before I left that morning. I'm starting to think her needing "space" means that it's over in her mind but she wants time to emotionally distance herself from me so she doesn't hurt when she does end it. If it ends, so be it I suppose. I'm still grateful for all the help she has given me, and I'm glad it happened. Just let her go at her own pace at this point. Like I told you earlier....let her come to you now. You have made your point that you want to be with her and have pursued a connection with her. She may be just questioning her true feelings for you and that is 100% normal. Just give her the space and let her do it at her own pace from this point on. I feel the whole "what the hell? you tried cocaine?" thing was just an out for her for some time to reflect on what she really wants. Give her space and let me know what happens.
j402 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 And btw...trying cocaine once and not continuing to use makes you a really strong man. A ton of people keep using because they are weak. Be the strong man that you are. Lead your relationship with her by NOT being the weak one...be strong and let her go if that's what she wants.
Marc878 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 She was amazing!!!!!! Nope sure isn’t. You are reading more into her than is there. Why do you have her on a pedestal?
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 14, 2018 Author Posted October 14, 2018 She was amazing!!!!!! Nope sure isn’t. You are reading more into her than is there. Why do you have her on a pedestal? Because this was literally our only upset. Everything else prior to that day, has been stellar. I'm still partly in shock.
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 14, 2018 Author Posted October 14, 2018 Just let her go at her own pace at this point. Like I told you earlier....let her come to you now. You have made your point that you want to be with her and have pursued a connection with her. She may be just questioning her true feelings for you and that is 100% normal. Just give her the space and let her do it at her own pace from this point on. I feel the whole "what the hell? you tried cocaine?" thing was just an out for her for some time to reflect on what she really wants. Give her space and let me know what happens. And btw...trying cocaine once and not continuing to use makes you a really strong man. A ton of people keep using because they are weak. Be the strong man that you are. Lead your relationship with her by NOT being the weak one...be strong and let her go if that's what she wants. Thank you so much. I will do exactly that. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 But if she's wanting attention, why won't she respond to me? I was very genuine in my letter, all of this waiting is bringing me back down really low again and I've been pretty depressed. Should I just wait and hope for the best, accept that it's over, or try to win back her affection? I don't want to lose her but being on the fence and not knowing where I stand feels very unhealthy I would take the info in a less linear manner that sure she wants attention and is overreacting. What you can apply to the future of dating this girl is that she blows up small, relatively insignificant things into big ones, causes drama, and shuts you out/stonewalls you. It is unhealthy and your body is reacting like it is, trying to send you a smoke signal. You'd be smart to listen to it. Not making light of the fact that her ex died of an OD but her reaction is not in line with you saying you tried coke once years ago. If you did stay together, she is creating a situation where you are not going to feel comfortable being open and honest with her and going to be walking on eggshells hoping she doesn't shut you out over any small transgression (even the ones that have nothing to do with her). I think honestly if she doesn't reach out you should let it stay as is and don't reach out either. You will save a lot of headache. Good luck 4
DontBreakEven Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 It is unhealthy and your body is reacting like it is, trying to send you a smoke signal. You'd be smart to listen to it. Love this. 1
FMW Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 You met her when you were very vulnerable and in pain from a big loss in your life. The strong connection you feel with her is in part due to your emotional condition at the time - she "rescued" you from that dark time and now that's all tied up in what you feel for her. It's a hard bond to break, but not because she's the love of your life. She is not perfect for you or else she would still be with you and you would not be posting here about her dramatic over-reaction to you trying cocaine once in your past. She's either emotionally unstable (meaning you can look forward to more such meltdowns in the future if you get back together) or she was just looking for an excuse to break up and blame it on you. And just a note for the future, with her or someone else - if you have to keep things in your past a secret to avoid someone walking out on you, it probably isn't meant to be. Give her space - if you're meant to be together she'll be back.
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 15, 2018 Author Posted October 15, 2018 You met her when you were very vulnerable and in pain from a big loss in your life. The strong connection you feel with her is in part due to your emotional condition at the time - she "rescued" you from that dark time and now that's all tied up in what you feel for her. It's a hard bond to break, but not because she's the love of your life. She is not perfect for you or else she would still be with you and you would not be posting here about her dramatic over-reaction to you trying cocaine once in your past. She's either emotionally unstable (meaning you can look forward to more such meltdowns in the future if you get back together) or she was just looking for an excuse to break up and blame it on you. And just a note for the future, with her or someone else - if you have to keep things in your past a secret to avoid someone walking out on you, it probably isn't meant to be. Give her space - if you're meant to be together she'll be back. Yes, I believe I also have a tendency to over romantize relationships. And after all of this, the suppressed emotions from dad have returned and are contributing to my depression and anxieties. He left me by committing suicide without an explanation, and now, she has left me (or so it feels) without an explanation. But I still wonder, is this a common way for people to break up with someone? No explanation, but simply vanishing from someone's life? Or is it a genuine plea for space while she can evaluate her own insecurities and anxieties? I don't know if it's over for sure, because she never made that clear exactly. How long should I wait until I just come to the realization that the relationship has ended? She is my second serious relationship. I know I am not extremely experienced in these matters, but I always try my best to convey my feelings with honesty.
FMW Posted October 16, 2018 Posted October 16, 2018 Unfortunately ghosting happens all the time, even in long term relationships. Having to be honest and tell someone that you no longer want to be involved with them is awkward and uncomfortable. Those without courage (or character) can convince themselves that this is the best way to end it since they don't have to witness your hurt reaction. Plus, if they just want to play the field for a while they think they can just come back to you later if they don't find someone better since they never officially ended it with you. It hurts, it's unfair, it makes no sense. But plenty of us have had it happen. I know that doesn't help you, but maybe it can help you make the right decision to not reach out to her and start working on moving on. Put all that focus and attention on yourself and finding things that make you happy. I promise if you try, you WILL find those things.
Author Probablyonlyhereonce Posted October 17, 2018 Author Posted October 17, 2018 I had a moment of weakness and composed a message. The message basically said I am unsure what happened, to please let me go if that's what she wants, and that I will be all right, but I would rather know sooner than later if I need to move on. It has been 6 days since I have heard from her. I can't tell yet if it has gotten any easier. I want to just block her number but I can't bring myself to do that if there is even a sliver of hope. Also, this event has pushed me to finally see a counselor, so I guess there is a bright side.
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