Jim23 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 My girlfriend has gone missing again for the last 48 hours with no sign of her trying to contact me. She normally blocks me on all messaging apps and social media but I never got put back on social media this time and she hasn't blocked me yet on the other apps. She flares up over the most minor things and ends things at the drop of a hat. Then she comes back in to my life and things settle down for a week or so and then bam.. I say something she doesn't like and she lashes out, makes me out to be a bad person and eventually just leaves and I hear nothing from her for days. I can't go on with this rollercoaster relationship but it's hard to not feel so sad as I live and care about her. She on the other hand seems to be able to discard me at will.
FMW Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 You know what you have to do - get off the roller coaster and move on. Of course you are going to feel sad - honestly it's probably going to hurt like hell for a while. But it's a temporary pain. As long as you continue this relationship the turmoil will be ongoing. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 You need to let her stay gone this time. This is ridiculously unhealthy and it's eventually going to end for good anyway. Relationships like this have almost no chance for a happy ending.
FMW Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 Kev1234, would you really prefer to have an emotionally damaging and stressful relationship instead of spending time as a single guy? If so then hang on to the crazies and have fun. Jim23 appears to be seeking a way out, so our advice is geared to that.
isolatedgothic Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 You say that she flares up and leaves you over minor things. What are those things? Whatever they are, they must not be very minor to her. She leaves, and then she comes back, hoping that something has changed. What's going on?
smackie9 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 My guess Jim, is that you already tried everything to make it stop, but she keeps behaving this way. I have a feeling this isn't really about you, this is learned behavior. This is how she has always dealt with issues, long long before you two ever met. It's a bad cycle that's tough to break. This is why we have relationships...to see what the other person is like, if we have enough in common to keep it for the long haul, and that we get along. You are not getting along, and you both need to realize that. Jim, when it's not working , it's not working.....cut her loose.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 Neither is a great choice. Try being alone for decades at a time and which is better or worse isn’t so clear cut anymore. To be fair, you are projecting here. OP hasn't indicated he is worried about this.
Marc878 Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 You have two choices. Wallow Move on No magic here. Indecision just keeps you where you are. Only you can keep yourself in this. 2
Downtown Posted October 14, 2018 Posted October 14, 2018 Jim, you're describing several red flags BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the instability, verbal abuse, sudden temper tantrums, cycle of push-away and pull-back, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control emotions. I also note that 80% of female BPDers suffer from a mood disorder such as depression and 81% also suffer from a co-occurring anxiety disorder. I mention this because, in your other thread, you report that she suffers from depression and anxiety. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has the full-blown disorder (only a professional can determine whether her symptoms are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD). Rather, I'm suggesting she might be exhibiting strong symptoms, regardless of whether they meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect they will. If those behaviors ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. 1
ChatroomHero Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 You have to honestly ask yourself, do you deep down enjoy the rollercoaster? A lot of people that say they hate drama actually aren't honest with themselves and feed off the drama. The lows are so low that the highs seem perfect. The excitement of her coming back when you know you can lose her becomes addicting. It's like the prospect of being single at the drop of the hat, makes her coming back seem like such a great thing. I know a lot of people where all of their relationships function like this. Honestly, if you hate the drama though, it becomes a chore. You don't want her to come back because you don't want to go through the same garbage again. And you will. Either you feed off it and take her back, or if you hate the rollercoaster you just end it because even when you think you are happy, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you feed off that drama, that's fine but if you don't, you can never be happy with someone like her.
Highndry Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 Listen to Downtown. He knows what he's talking about. I had no idea what I ran into with my ex until I read his posts on BPD, and it all became clear. Reading that list again, my ex had 16 of 18 of those traits, and all very strong. In my 30+ years of dating, I had never run into a woman like that. I feel I did a good job at keeping the ship afloat, but it all unravels with people like this, and it certainly did with her. She would threaten to leave all the time over minor things. And she did leave a few times. I finally had enough and didn't want to play the game anymore and I told her so, and that was that. I can honestly say that while it was a painful breakup because we lived together a few years, I am much better off without her. I know there are much better women out there for relationship partners. Walking around on eggshells all the time, wondering when the next shoe is going to drop is no way to live. When I look back I wonder why I didn't send her packing immediately. If she tried to get back with me I'd laugh in her face. 1
RedHead5 Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 I was in an emotional rollercoaster relationship before and I had to end it. The drama was intense but it started affecting other areas of my life, my job, kids, etc. It was painful af but I was so much happier after I got over it. It was months before I recovered completely. I will NEVER go down that path again. Cut ties and be with someone who makes you happy.
GoldenBeauty Posted October 16, 2018 Posted October 16, 2018 You say that she flares up and leaves you over minor things. What are those things? Whatever they are, they must not be very minor to her. She leaves, and then she comes back, hoping that something has changed. What's going on? I highly doubt they are minor things. I have a feeling HE is in the wrong and she is stuck in love with him but keeps trying to find the strength to leave him.
kendahke Posted October 16, 2018 Posted October 16, 2018 My girlfriend has gone missing again for the last 48 hours with no sign of her trying to contact me. She normally blocks me on all messaging apps and social media She flares up over the most minor things and ends things at the drop of a hat. Let me correct the next sentence for you: Then she comes back in to my lifeshe shows up out of the blue and I let her back in and things settle down for a week or so and then bam.. I say something she doesn't like and she lashes out, makes me out to be a bad person and eventually just leaves and I hear nothing from her for days. I can't go on with this rollercoaster relationship but . But nothing. Either you can't go on or you can with enough excuse making.
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