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This guy I went out with told me he doesn't think its a "good idea" to be friends?

Dodgersfan11

By Dodgersfan11
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Dodgersfan11 Established Member

Dodgersfan11

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What does it mean when a guy tells a girl that? He doesn't think its a "good idea?" Is that some code word?

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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What does it mean when a guy tells a girl that? He doesn't think its a "good idea?" Is that some code word?

 

What's the context? Was it a date where you weren't attracted and suggested being friends? If so, then it means he's looking for a woman do date....not a new friend.

 

Most people who have full lives already have enough friends. They don't need someone who wasn't into them hanging around.

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Dodgersfan11 Established Member

Dodgersfan11

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Yes, well I went on a date with him, he relocated to a new city for a job for a few months, he told me we could talk just as friends, but later he just ghosted me when he told me he was seeing someone. I said that we could be friends, not sure if he figured I was into him, but I reassured him I was not, he then said it wasn't a good idea. I mean, why would he suggest that in the first place anyway??? I wouldn't have mind being friends with him, because if for whatever reason things didn't work out with him and a new girl, I could be there and I could talk to him and later like flourished into a real relationship, because isn't how that works? People break up then there is that one friend that sticks around and then he realizes she's a keeper? Is that how it works? Or am I wrong?

Edited by Dodgersfan11
basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Yes, well I went on a date with him, he relocated to a new city for a job for a few months, he told me we could talk just as friends, but later he just ghosted me when he told me he was seeing someone. I said that we could be friends, not sure if he figured I was into him, but I reassured him I was not, he then said it wasn't a good idea. I mean, why would he suggest that in the first place anyway???

 

He initially said it because he was open to having you in his world. But when he got a girlfriend, he realised it was inappropriate for him to have you as a close friend. He chose her over you.

 

I wouldn't have mind being friends with him, because if for whatever reason things didn't work out with him and a new girl, I could be there and I could talk to him and later like flourished into a real relationship, because isn't how that works? People break up then there is that one friend that sticks around and then he realizes she's a keeper? Is that how it works? Or am I wrong?

 

Dodgers, this is wrong on just so many levels. Look at all the boundaries you'd cross by being a leech waiting in the wings to snap him up when there's a break up. Honestly, if you were to try this, you'd be every woman's worst nightmare. It's just so disrespectful of you. I also think you've been watching too many romantic movies. But remember that Scarlett O'Hara waited around for Ashley to break up with Melanie...and look how that turned out.

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Dodgersfan11 Established Member

Dodgersfan11

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I've witnessed a few leeches in my lifetime. But however when I later told him if he was ever to be single, I suggested we could hang out, then simply said that even if he was single, he didn't think it was a good idea.

MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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I've witnessed a few leeches in my lifetime. But however when I later told him if he was ever to be single, I suggested we could hang out, then simply said that even if he was single, he didn't think it was a good idea.

 

Translated, it means he doesn't like you 'that way', and sees no point in being friends. He probably senses what you're trying to do - orbit, hoping for a chance.

 

Next!

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guest569 Established Member

guest569

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I've witnessed a few leeches in my lifetime. But however when I later told him if he was ever to be single, I suggested we could hang out, then simply said that even if he was single, he didn't think it was a good idea.

 

Omg. You want friends then go get friends. Don't date them and then hang around sabotaging their relationship.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I've witnessed a few leeches in my lifetime. But however when I later told him if he was ever to be single, I suggested we could hang out, then simply said that even if he was single, he didn't think it was a good idea.

 

Oh well in this case, he just doesn't like you that much. Don't dwell on it though - few of us are liked by everyone.

 

You know it helps if you put a full back story with your question ;)

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Oh well in this case, he just doesn't like you that much. Don't dwell on it though - few of us are liked by everyone.

 

Alternately, he's very aware that you have a thing for him and doesn't want to be in the position of doing anything which could be perceived as leading you on. Quite a thoughtful response on his part really.

lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

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...when I later told him if he was ever to be single, I suggested we could hang out, then simply said that even if he was single, he didn't think it was a good idea.

 

He told you he was in a relationship and your response was essentially "yeah, well when you break up maybe we can hang out again"? No wonder he shut you down. That's a horrible thing to say to anyone, male or female.

 

If you are at a point where folks are ignoring basic social graces and polite white lies and flat-out saying they don't want to see you ever again, you may need to re-evaluate what you're doing.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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The best way to analyze a situation is to put yourself in their shoes, and see it from a different perspective. He said friends at first because well he was truly ok with that UNTIL things started to get serious with this new girl. He told you bubbye out of respect for his new relationship. He doesn't want to have someone waiting in the wings...it's in appropriate.

 

 

 

Anywho the respectful thing to do is to wish him well and simply move on...don't contact him again.

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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I would move on to the next person

Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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Yes, well I went on a date with him, he relocated to a new city for a job for a few months, he told me we could talk just as friends, but later he just ghosted me when he told me he was seeing someone. I said that we could be friends, not sure if he figured I was into him, but I reassured him I was not, he then said it wasn't a good idea. I mean, why would he suggest that in the first place anyway??? I wouldn't have mind being friends with him, because if for whatever reason things didn't work out with him and a new girl, I could be there and I could talk to him and later like flourished into a real relationship, because isn't how that works? People break up then there is that one friend that sticks around and then he realizes she's a keeper? Is that how it works? Or am I wrong?

 

A) He is being respectful to his new girlfriend

B) He doesn't believe your bullsh*t excuse of willing to be friends--he sees right through it.

C) He is not that into you anyway (chose another girl over you, and not willing to be "friends" in name only, i.e. doesn't want you as a backup or at all (sorry)

D) Further: the throwing yourself at his feet is unattractive and desperate which drives people further away rather than questioning their decision or keeping you on their mind. This part was a huge mistake. So yes you were wrong.

E) All of the above or combo thereof.

 

Let this go.

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Dodgersfan11 Established Member

Dodgersfan11

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A) He is being respectful to his new girlfriend

B) He doesn't believe your bullsh*t excuse of willing to be friends--he sees right through it.

C) He is not that into you anyway (chose another girl over you, and not willing to be "friends" in name only, i.e. doesn't want you as a backup or at all (sorry)

D) Further: the throwing yourself at his feet is unattractive and desperate which drives people further away rather than questioning their decision or keeping you on their mind. This part was a huge mistake. So yes you were wrong.

E) All of the above or combo thereof.

 

Let this go.

 

I even offered a threesome if he happened to be single because we talked about doing that when we first met, and he was super excited then when I suggested it this time he totally wrote me off. I thought it was every man's fantasy for a threesome? I'm offering it and he doesn't even want that...

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I even offered a threesome if he happened to be single because we talked about doing that when we first met, and he was super excited then when I suggested it this time he totally wrote me off. I thought it was every man's fantasy for a threesome? I'm offering it and he doesn't even want that...

 

It was incredibly inappropriate to be offering a guy who's got a girlfriend a threesome when they break up. I'm seeing even more clearly now why he's cut you off: You are incapable of respecting his boundaries.

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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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I even offered a threesome if he happened to be single because we talked about doing that when we first met, and he was super excited then when I suggested it this time he totally wrote me off. I thought it was every man's fantasy for a threesome? I'm offering it and he doesn't even want that...

 

Under the guidelines of this forum, I'm going to assume that you are serious that this is what you really did and your post is for real.

 

And then my question to you is: "are you SERIOUS???". That is about the worst thing you could have done. Trying to get you to see that only if YOU give yourself value will someone else "see" the value in you.

 

So look at it like this, he basically told you he is not interested in you. Not only that but he doesn't want to keep in contact with you. That's basically two disses in a row--bad ones. So instead of walking away with your head held high, you throw yourself at him in an "i'll take anything little shred of attention, at any point, under any circumstances you will give me". That is really not the way to earn a guy's attention. It may work here and there temporarily. But as your own experience shows, you cannot just throw yourself at a guy and expect him to take the bait. Some guys (I would guess a lot) are more evolved than just simply a guy who is trying to get sex and only that. They at least are choosy to the extent that this kind of behavior doesn't make the cut.

 

Depends on what you really want. I thought from your other posts that it seemed like you wanted to be dating and possibly have a bf. If so, this is not how. Talk to some girls who use this tactic and see how it makes them feel. Or ask yourself, do you feel good after you stooped to this level and it still didn't work? Can you imagine another scenario to have accepted his decision that would have given you a better feeling about yourself?

 

I don't know. Your other posts have sounded naive in a lot of ways. I really can't explain how because it's unique for sure. But i think the first thing you need to decide is what you want from your dating life in the immediate future. If it is just to have fun and you can handle rejection, than maybe an approach like this has some place in your life. I really don't see it as esteem building which is a bad thing all around whatever your intention is. If you want to really date with the hopes of having a boyfriend, then you should probably work on your self-esteem, study up on some better approaches to dating and put those into practice. Good luck

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
I even offered a threesome if he happened to be single because we talked about doing that when we first met, and he was super excited then when I suggested it this time he totally wrote me off. I thought it was every man's fantasy for a threesome? I'm offering it and he doesn't even want that...

 

You what? You are chasing a man who has told you that he doesn't want to date you, doesn't want to be friends with you - so, you offer a threesome? And then, you get offended when he turns you down.

 

Where is your self respect?

 

You just went from "Person I used to know" to "Crazy woman who does not respect boundaries. Potential stalker. Block! Block! Block!"

Edited by BaileyB
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Posted
I even offered a threesome if he happened to be single because we talked about doing that when we first met, and he was super excited then when I suggested it this time he totally wrote me off. I thought it was every man's fantasy for a threesome? I'm offering it and he doesn't even want that...

 

That's because he doesn't like you anymore and wants you to go away.

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Purrrfect Established Member

Purrrfect

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Posted

Oh my OP you live in a fantasy land. You are pursuing a guy who is not interested and realizes you are a little nutty and wants nothing to do with you.

 

You read too many romance novels

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted (edited)
What does it mean when a guy tells a girl that? He doesn't think its a "good idea?" Is that some code word?

 

Yes, well I went on a date with him, he relocated to a new city for a job for a few months, he told me we could talk just as friends, but later he just ghosted me when he told me he was seeing someone. I said that we could be friends, not sure if he figured I was into him, but I reassured him I was not, he then said it wasn't a good idea. I mean, why would he suggest that in the first place anyway???

 

because he was trying to see where you were coming from--but he decided that being friends with someone who is coming across as wanting more than he's prepared to give is not a good idea. He wasn't going to be giving up his girlfriend at this point in time.

 

I wouldn't have mind being friends with him, because if for whatever reason things didn't work out with him and a new girl, I could be there and I could talk to him and later like flourished into a real relationship, because isn't how that works? People break up then there is that one friend that sticks around and then he realizes she's a keeper? Is that how it works? Or am I wrong?

 

Now, put yourself in his girlfriend's shoes and tell us what you'd want us to tell the chick who was this pressed about her boyfriend?

 

What if she has an issue with him having a brand new friend and all the investment that comes with growing a new friendship with someone who clearly wants more from him? Your friendship exists to usurp her and her relationship with this guy.

 

Why are you digging his relationship's grave instead of finding a guy who isn't involved with someone already?

 

Try respecting his relationship and stay in your lane.

Edited by kendahke
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
I even offered a threesome if he happened to be single because we talked about doing that when we first met, and he was super excited then when I suggested it this time he totally wrote me off. I thought it was every man's fantasy for a threesome? I'm offering it and he doesn't even want that...

 

That's weak when it's coming from a place where you're trying to break up his relationship.

 

I wouldn't want it, either. Rosy Palm would be a better partner.

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