dancingintherain12 Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 Guy I'm dating is a PEOPLE PLEASER. This is the third time around Ive been seeing this trait of his.. its early stages into dating so he's prioritizing his friends, which is expected. First time I noticed this was when his friend and I wanted to leave a place we were at, at an earlier time. He was the one driving but his friends were pressuring him to stay so he didn't want to feel like an ass so he did and I tried to go with the flow and not raise a problem out of it. Second time was when he was trying to make plans with me. I told him I was free the day he was texting me trying to arrange plans. He said he would be too tired. Then we kept chatting that night and he told me he ended up going to a cousins dinner and his friends were pressuring him to go. I called him out on it nicely in a joking way and said "I'm beginning to think you can't just say no :)" He said I know, I'm a people pleaser. Now hes arranging plans, and told me he really wants to see me on the day I suggested but he has something to do with his friends and hes going to try to push it around. I asked him today Did you figure out if you can move your plans around? I have other things I’d like to do if not He said his friends are making him feel bad, and that he really wants to see me, so he thinks he will just show up an hour to "show face" and then we can do our own thing afterwards. Keep in mind, I'm not really the one asking to hang out. He wanted to see me yesterday also but it couldn't work out with my schedule. Anywho, I said it could possibly work, depending on when he sees his friends (I refuse to see him so late in the night, I have standards) He said II think on the earlier side, I'll find out. I didn't text back yet and he proceeded to say I'll figure it out This is plans for tomorrow.. Thoughts? Is this a red flag or something I'm reading into? And I haven't seen him in two weeks and I really do want to see him but I don't want to lower my standards and see him later on in the night and I think he knows where my standards are.. So hard to juggle prioritizing your own agenda when all you wanna do is see the guy you really like! :/
snowboy91 Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I think this one's really up to you. He has a busy schedule around friends and family, and sadly you seem to be lower down on the list. If you do keep pursuing this, keep in mind that you won't get to see him much since he'll always have other plans. If you can't accept only seeing him once every 1-2 weeks for the foreseeable future then he is not the right guy for you. 1
Author dancingintherain12 Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 I think this one's really up to you. He has a busy schedule around friends and family, and sadly you seem to be lower down on the list. If you do keep pursuing this, keep in mind that you won't get to see him much since he'll always have other plans. If you can't accept only seeing him once every 1-2 weeks for the foreseeable future then he is not the right guy for you. It's not that I expect to be #1 right now.. Its still early stages into dating and I have a busy life too. I just wonder if he is the type of guy to people please even when he has a girl he really likes or what. I guess its a wait and see type of thing. I would love to see him afterwards, but if its not too late.
Rocker71 Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 Guy I'm dating is a PEOPLE PLEASER. I called him out on it nicely in a joking way and said "I'm beginning to think you can't just say no :)" He said I know, I'm a people pleaser. He said his friends are making him feel bad :/ By way of analysis, It sounds like his self esteem is in the dumper. He feels like he needs to earn someone’s validation and friendship with pleasing someone.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I think you might be setting yourself up for disappointment, but I still think you should wait and see how it unfolds. Although you are hoping for the best, don't be surprised if he ends up hanging out with his friends a lot later than you expect tomorrow. His friends know what he is like. All they have to do is tell him to stay, pile on some peer pressure, and that is exactly what he will do. If he had any foresight, he would know that he has over committed himself, but he doesn't want to disappoint you, even though that is exactly what is going to happen when he shows up late (if at all). My guess is that there is going to be a lot of "sorry" texts throughout the night. Perhaps I'm not giving the guy enough credit. Maybe he will come through and surprise you, but if he doesn't, it is probably a sign that he isn't capable of having the type of relationship you want at this time. Either way, tomorrow night will you will have a better idea of whether he has boyfriend potential or not.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I think you might be setting yourself up for disappointment, but I still think you should wait and see how it unfolds. Although you are hoping for the best, don't be surprised if he ends up hanging out with his friends a lot later than you expect tomorrow. His friends know what he is like. All they have to do is tell him to stay, pile on some peer pressure, and that is exactly what he will do. I agree. He tries to fit in too much. I wouldn't hold your breath for him showing up at the time you expect tomorrow, OP.
Author dancingintherain12 Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 I agree. He tries to fit in too much. I wouldn't hold your breath for him showing up at the time you expect tomorrow, OP. You guys are right. Ugh this sucks idk what I would even do if this happened.
guest569 Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I wouldn't even go there myself. Why can't he just say one way or another. Makes him sound like a doormat. I would frankly ignore him until he has the guts to schedule a date with you. Screw his juggling act, that is his problem not yours. "sorry, I'm hanging out with friends on x night. How about z night?" that's really not so difficult. He doesn't seem interested enough.
Author dancingintherain12 Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 I wouldn't even go there myself. Why can't he just say one way or another. Makes him sound like a doormat. I would frankly ignore him until he has the guts to schedule a date with you. Screw his juggling act, that is his problem not yours. "sorry, I'm hanging out with friends on x night. How about z night?" that's really not so difficult. He doesn't seem interested enough. I don’t even know anymore. He does seem very keen of me based off his texts. He wanted to see me yesterday and today also. It was a last minute request during the day but it was too hectic to see him so I chose not to. I ageee with you though! Like either set a real date or don’t. But obviously I don’t want to come off as aggressive. I will see what he says tomorrow and let you guys know. But I agree, he needs to schedule a REAL time. If I do see him I was thinking of saying “I know you had plans with your friends its sweet you left earlier. I def don’t wanna get in the way of things in the future so itd be nice to see you when you can properly arrange plans with me so I don’t feel like I’m coming in between something” Or I can even say this before, and “cancel” our date. I can even say it if he says he can’t make it. But damn! Lol not that hard to make plans. Whats wrong with some guys?
Author dancingintherain12 Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 Maybe I can say “hey ___. It’s really sweet you wanted to leave earlier to see me. But I don’t want to come in the way of your plans. I’m hopeful we can set another date where you don’t have to juggle in between two things. No pressure, but I’m hopeful to see you again at another time” or some crap lol Ugh, should I wait and see and face possibly waiting for him to text or waiting for him to show? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt or is it better if I set some standards? I really like this guy and enjoy my time with him 1
Author dancingintherain12 Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 Also I didn't mention this, but not the first time it happened. We had plans to see each other one on one, and he texted me 6 hours before our date to say " please dont shoot me but i have a dinner with my friends tonight i completely forgot about. I told them I was bailing and my friend called me and guilted the **** out of me, it's his first time out since his wedding got called off. Do you mind if I go to that dinner then we can meet up after?" to which i said "I actually had to move stuff around in my schedule to make tonight happen but ok. I don’t think I can meet you that late in the night so enjoy Can’t say I’m not disappointed though" he said "so am i, if it were any other situation i wouldn't go but its important to my friend that i'm there for him. i'm disappointed too" i did end up meeting him and his friends, with mine as well. i let it slide. but this however, we dont have real "concrete" plans. he could just be like sorry im not free that night, how about x night? keep in mind he also asked to hang out yesterday and the day before. am i just over thinking this? like i understand the bailing of the date, i gave him the benefit of the doubt. and we dont have a real time set, so its either hes really trying to make this work to see me. i feel like if hes not interested he can say oh im not free, another time.. I can say "Hey ___, really want to see you tonight but I’m not sure if I’d like to be in a situation where you’re juggling two things at once.. I think it’s sweet you’re trying to leave earlier, but I really don’t wanna feel like I’m coming in between something. I’m hopeful we can set a time to meet where you don’t already have plans. This also kind of happened last time with your friends and I don’t want another dejavu moment I'm hopeful we’ll meet at a better time! Have fun”
guest569 Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I personally wouldn't put up with this crap. If anything I would say.. I look forward to catching up with you again. Let me know when you are free. If he sets a date and bails again it's done. 1
Zahara Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I don’t think he’s people pleasing but rather finding reasons to avoid meeting you and using his friends as a way out. Texts aren’t solids when it comes to gauging interest. I wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior. I can’t imagine such difficulty with planning a date. I chalk it up to lack of interest. 1
hippychick3 Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 It sounds more like he just prefers to spend time with his friends over you and is using the term “people pleaser” as an excuse. He may text you what you want to hear but bottom line is you’re at the bottom of the totem pole. I’d make my own plans if he can’t solidify a time with you. What he’s doing is just plain rude.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I can say "Hey ___, really want to see you tonight but I’m not sure if I’d like to be in a situation where you’re juggling two things at once.. I think it’s sweet you’re trying to leave earlier, but I really don’t wanna feel like I’m coming in between something. I’m hopeful we can set a time to meet where you don’t already have plans. This also kind of happened last time with your friends and I don’t want another dejavu moment I'm hopeful we’ll meet at a better time! Have fun” I wouldn't say any of this right now. I would instead step back and observe. See if he actually does what he says he's going to do, and take his leave from his buddies after an hour, without any nudging or influence from you. If he does, okay. If he doesn't (which I think is most likely, at this point), then I would let him know that it's not working for you. Because at the end of the day, if just dating him is this difficult, trying to make an actual relationship work is going to be even harder. 1
PRW Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 Guy I'm dating is a PEOPLE PLEASER No he isn't. He's not. Period. He might be a "weak minded crowd follower",...but he is not a people pleaser. You are a "people" and he isn't pleasing you. You just are not a priority to him. His friends and other things just out-rank you. 1
ElKay Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I dated a guy like this once. He ended up being an ass and not into me as much as I was into him, so he prioritized his friends and any reason over me. I would say cut your losses.
Dis Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 He's not a people pleaser He's a guy who had easy sex with you and isn't into you anymore 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 I would instead step back and observe. See if he actually does what he says he's going to do, and take his leave from his buddies after an hour, without any nudging or influence from you. Totally agree. This is what I was saying as well. It might be one wasted evening on your part, op, but you will save yourself so much more time in the future by finding out how he handles it. I hope you don't cancel and give him and out before you give him a chance to show you the type of guy he really is. If you do, you are going to waste more of your time. Also I didn't mention this, but not the first time it happened. We had plans to see each other one on one, and he texted me 6 hours before our date to say " please dont shoot me but i have a dinner with my friends tonight i completely forgot about. I told them I was bailing and my friend called me and guilted the **** out of me, it's his first time out since his wedding got called off. Do you mind if I go to that dinner then we can meet up after?" This just confirms what I suspected. I hope you don't keep putting up with this nonsense.
JuneL Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 (edited) No he isn't. He's not. Period. He might be a "weak minded crowd follower",...but he is not a people pleaser. You are a "people" and he isn't pleasing you. You just are not a priority to him. His friends and other things just out-rank you. That’s my first thought: a people pleaser who never pleases YOU! I second Expat’s suggestion on what to do. His friends were disrespectful to make him stay when you’re leaving. I noticed that he would bail on dinner with you and ask to meet later at night... Edited September 21, 2018 by JuneL
preraph Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 You're perfectly right not to let him work you in at the end of the evening. If he can be pressured to constantly go out with friends, he can surely be pressured into taking you out at a predetermined time without having his friends waylay him. I wouldn't put up with a whole lot of getting shoved aside for his friends. If they were really friends, they'd understand he'd like to date a woman. 1
damni Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 Dating should not be this hard, he is just not that into you and he priorities his friends over you. Example, I been seeing my boyfriend for four months. One day he said sorry but he had to cancel our planned date because he forgot he was meant to do gardening for a work colleague that day. I was pissed, did not reply and a few hours later he texted me saying he rescheduled with his friend as seeing me was more important. A man into you would be on his best behaviour, this guy does not care.
Lotsgoingon Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 He is a lame people pleaser ... in one sense. But really he simply prioritizes his friends over you. And yes that's a huge deal. How the heck could friends guilt him out of a date with a woman he's interested in? My friends wouldn't dare "guilt me" away from a woman I wanted to spend time with. So his friends are pathetic ... and for complying he is pathetic. Conclusion: he's not that into you ... and/or he prioritizes friends over you. Now it may also be that he's simply a wimp who can't say no ... and his friends know this ... but you don't want to date a wimp. This time it's friends. Next time it'll be his mom in the way ... or a boss who asks him to do crazy tasks. Avoid dating someone who can't say no to other people. And yes this behavior is a huge red flag. 100 feet x 100 feet red flag. Really you can get a bigger red flag than this one. I dated a woman who prioritized friends over me ... you know what happened of course. I was patient and she dumped me ... You want to date someone who is just this side of dying to be with you in a non-needy way. This kind of change in plans should happens once in a year ... and for emergencies. At the start, you should be at the top of the list. That's what's baffling ... friends know a new dating partner goes to the top of the list. It's not even hard to ignore them when you start dating. So he's not only backward. He's got backward friends. Run!
hippychick3 Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 I am dating someone who has TONS of friends. He has more friends than anyone I've ever known...good, quality friends. In 5 years that we've been together, he has never once canceled plans with me to be with any of his friends. 2
Author dancingintherain12 Posted September 21, 2018 Author Posted September 21, 2018 Alright im gonna close this thread because its the end of the night. he bailed on his friends, took me out to a fancy bar and a resturant and we had a great time. thank you all for the advice! he came to me and set plans, and i observed. im glad i didnt say anything and i'm glad we had a great night. he seems like a great guy... lets see where this goes
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