Magicmontazzle Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 New to OLD after breakup May this year. Essentially due to have a 4th date tomorrow. He asked me out for dinner but I thought a walk and a sober chat would be better - all three previous dates have been great but copious alcohol. Not been intimate yet. Since organising this date contact has been sporadic - decreased from a few messages to day to now not even replied to last nights text I sent. New to OLD and basically a friend told me to never get excited about dates until after a few months. She told me alk about the Ghosts! Is this what is happening here? Just a bit of advice, do not want to make a fool of myself. Also my last relationships have been long term and never used the online dating before. Thanks in advance
j402 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 Just go with the date as planned. See how things go. If he continues to pull back and not text as much, you do exactly the same. Pull back yourself. Time will tell if he's really interested.
kendahke Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 Your friend is right. Never expect devotion from a stranger you've gone out with a few times. Since you say you are new to this, let me hip you to what's happening: Everyone is on their best behavior during the first few weeks of a situationship... which is what you're in right now... and after a few dates, people make the mistake of thinking that person and their life are exactly like they were in the beginning when he was making time to get to know you. Now that he's been out with you a few times, all of the things that he put aside while getting to know you are demanding his attention and he has to address that--which means the texts can taper off a bit. Chances are, that's all that's going on here. At about the 4-6 week mark lasting well past the 3-6 month mark is when the "on their best behavior representatives" get dismissed and the real them/real you comes to the fore---and that is when the incompatibilities and inconsistencies become glaringly obvious and unreasonable expectations get dashed (expectations, especially this early on, are future resentments under construction). If you are one of those people who needs constant texting, then understand that you need to convey this to him if you two decide to make a go of this. He may be someone for whom texting is a chore and he doesn't like it or do it. Unless you and he are agreed to move in the same direction (and you won't know this unless you talk to him about it--guessing and not talking to him won't solve this), you're going to end up relying on guessing and speculation--two things that will never give you the answers you seek.
Author Magicmontazzle Posted October 12, 2018 Author Posted October 12, 2018 Nah do not mind lack of text contact really. I am the type of person who doesnt have social media and would never discuss anything important over text etc. Just have been in two LTRs in my 20s and both were friends of friends so it was always a bit easier to decifer.
kendahke Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 Online dating is another beast altogether. Having a thick skin and not investing any feelings for the first few weeks helps out a lot--along with not tying up your self worth in the amount of attention you're getting from one of these OLD guys. OLD is notorious for people vaporizing for no good reason. I have a theory on some of this mess: In my age range at least (55+), I think a lot of profiles are created by people who are angry at their partner for whatever reason, so they decide "I'm going to fix your little red wagon" and create a dating profile as their way to strike back in the moment. Yeah, I know--stupid a.f. Thing is, they never had any intention on sustaining the profile or even finding someone. That someone does reach out and contacts them probably takes them by surprise and they get scared about everything they're about to destroy in their lives over their silly revenge fantasies and they vaporize. What you are experiencing is about normal for OLD. For some reason, these sorts of beginnings have a greater chance of falling apart... some people just don't want to be arsed, even though they have a dating profile up. Good luck in your quest!
lurker74 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 Since organising this date contact has been sporadic - decreased from a few messages to day to now not even replied to last nights text I sent. Not ghosting yet. It could be though. For instance, he could be upset that on a 4th date you want to pull back a bit since many people escalate at that point. For all you know, he thinks you're pulling back. Just go with the flow and recognize that sometimes the flow stops. 1
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