Have I pushed him away?

[j402]

We have been dating for about 2 months and we are absolutely perfect for each other. I have been feeling like he could be "the one". We're both divorced for about a year.

 

I've been feeling a little disconnected from him lately and I started feeling super insecure about what he's feeling for me. I want to be committed to him and I messed up royally by telling him so. And of course, I went about it all wrong by acting kind of needy and crazy when he seemed to not be interested in reciprocity. Now I think I have pushed him away for good. I am so angry at myself for doing this but is it really SO wrong that I told him how I feel about him and that I want him and ONLY him??

[PegNosePete]

You didn't push him away. He simply didn't feel the same. Better to find out sooner rather than later.

[j402]

You didn't push him away. He simply didn't feel the same. Better to find out sooner rather than later.

 

Right. I keep having to remind myself of this but it's just so hurtful because I have literally never felt so close to a man. I thought we were really going to amount to something together. I know it's super early but I couldn't help but ask because I just don't want to waste any of my time with someone I'm not 100% sure of.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[PegNosePete]

For what it's worth I don't think 2 months is super early. In fact it's not early at all. At your stage in life (post divorce dating) it's perfectly acceptable to rule out non-suitable matches as soon as possible so you don't waste your life.

[maxi105]

j4, no, i dont think youve pushed him away. but i am not sure either that he is "the one".

 

 

may be he is (so good luck if its grows into somehting and he is the one), but you need to let things breathe a bit. 2 months is nothing compared to being with someone (or wanting to be with them) for the rest of your life!

 

 

if i am honest here, its good that you spoke up, but if this kind of thing is still going on 6 months later then no, he's not the one im afraid.

 

 

i get the whole divorced situation and what it means to you, but he's in the same boat too.

 

 

i think you'd be better to talk to him if you are still bothered by this and see how things are and what he really feels about whatever went on.

 

 

as peg nose pete says, you are better to find out early; and i feel you are still worrying a bit about this so maybe you need to talk to him again and find out what his bounderies are and how comfortable or not he is or has been with all of this.i cant think that anyone male or female wants someone questioning everything and trying for perfection if they think its going to keep on happening everytime you get into a small panic over nothing.

 

 

wanting to be with someone is one thing, coming over desperate is another, and trying to shape things because you are both in a simillar situation is another.so be careful otherwise you will do your self esteem no good if after a divorce you ruin a relationship before its had a chance to grow!

 

 

only he can answer your question and i also think it will be that in time you will ask yourself possibly a simillar question about whether you are right together.

 

 

good luck, but also think about the realistic side of this situation. finding the one is something that will just happen and take its own time....but even then... there are no guarantees even if you find them. (look at the endless heartbreak stories out there when people didnt have the immediate insecurity that seems to be coming over so soon in this post). things can change sometimes, even when you think youve got it all figured out!!!!! so just ease up and go with things gently on this one.

 

 

it all depends on the types of people and if you love each other and are prepared to keep working on it regardless of what or who else is in your life expresses feelings.

 

 

ok, its a good luck thing, but its also maybe just get on with it, but dont hold your breath for some kind of magical fantasy.

 

 

its very early days and sounds a bit early for this kind of talk about being absolutely perfect and gettin mad with yourself over wanting perfection.

 

 

 

 

just go with things in a gentle way and build on that. if its gonna work it will.

 

 

maybe you just need some time out after divorce to get back into seeing what things are like again, rather than rushing ahead looking to make up for what went wrong.

 

 

you are in a new relationship so enjoy that rather than getting all insecure and forcasting what is best for you and him. there will be lots about him you dont really know, and if you are hurt this early in!!!!!!

 

 

if he's not interested in the way you talk and need to express yourself if thats how you need to do it, then that is a sign you "are" probably wasting your time and i would think about freindship for now or in the future etc...

 

 

good luck.maxi.

[kendahke]

We have been dating for about 2 months and we are absolutely perfect for each other. I have been feeling like he could be "the one". We're both divorced for about a year.

 

I've been feeling a little disconnected from him lately and I started feeling super insecure about what he's feeling for me. I want to be committed to him and I messed up royally by telling him so. And of course, I went about it all wrong by acting kind of needy and crazy when he seemed to not be interested in reciprocity. Now I think I have pushed him away for good. I am so angry at myself for doing this but is it really SO wrong that I told him how I feel about him and that I want him and ONLY him??

 

What exactly did he say to you that led you to the conclusion that "he's the one" when he's not interested in reciprocity on this scale?

 

At the two month mark, if you and he are really that compatible, you two should be figuring out how to get more of each other, not less.

 

That doesn't sound perfect to me.

[smackie9]

Sometimes we think they are the one, but in reality we are not in love with them, but in love with being in love and in a relationship. It makes you short sighted, and not really seeing the plain cues of someone not feeling the same way. You need to get a hold of yourself, and have a think....outside the emotions you are feeling.

[kendahke]

is it really SO wrong that I told him how I feel about him and that I want him and ONLY him??

 

No--that's what adults are supposed to do. If this is how you feel, then you should tell him. What he does with that information is on him--not you. If he can't handle it, then you need to know this so you can take the appropriate steps to guard your heart.

 

Question: how long ago was both his and your divorces?

[ExpatInItaly]

We have been dating for about 2 months and we are absolutely perfect for each other. I have been feeling like he could be "the one". We're both divorced for about a year.

 

I've been feeling a little disconnected from him lately and I started feeling super insecure about what he's feeling for me. I want to be committed to him and I messed up royally by telling him so. And of course, I went about it all wrong by acting kind of needy and crazy when he seemed to not be interested in reciprocity. Now I think I have pushed him away for good. I am so angry at myself for doing this but is it really SO wrong that I told him how I feel about him and that I want him and ONLY him??

 

Can you explain what happened? In what ways did you act needy and crazy?

[j402]

What exactly did he say to you that led you to the conclusion that "he's the one" when he's not interested in reciprocity on this scale?

 

At the two month mark, if you and he are really that compatible, you two should be figuring out how to get more of each other, not less.

 

That doesn't sound perfect to me.

Hi. We just seem to totally get each other, have tons in common, etc. Felt a strong connection. In general it just felt "right" with him. But of course, now I am clearly seeing otherwise and that his feelings are not as strong for me as mine for him. He has to know that I am hurting over this. All I know is that if he was truly interested, i would know and not be left wondering.

[j402]

Can you explain what happened? In what ways did you act needy and crazy?

 

Questioned at first why he was seemingly distant. Stupid question number one.

 

Asked him if he needed space. Stupid question number two.

 

 

He said he was "doing nothing different. Doesn't know where this is coming from"

 

I asked him if he saw us moving toward a real relationship because that is what I would like. If not, I was okay with him keeping his options open and so would I. But if he wanted to move toward something more serious, then I would love to see only him.

 

Then he gave me the old "I'm struggling financially and wouldn't be a good person to be in a relationship with" spill.

 

I am just pretty blown away because like I said....he seemed to be really into me not just with his words, but his actions. Coming to see me and take me out on dates, he gave me a small gift. Always seems to want to help me and is concerned about my daily life matters.

 

Basically along those lines is how i went "crazy" and "needy" in my eyes.

 

But ALL of this started because I was feeling as if he was pulling away and started to panic.

[kendahke]

Then he gave me the old "I'm struggling financially and wouldn't be a good person to be in a relationship with" spill.

 

If that's the case, then he's also not a good person to have extramarital sex with.

 

Then why does he feel he's entitled to bring his "struggle Johnson" to you, but doesn't want to consider what you need? Stay single until your finances are cleared up, then.

 

And perhaps he should not be giving you gifts or taking you out on dates if he can't afford his life or you in it.

 

But ALL of this started because I was feeling as if he was pulling away and started to panic.

 

Because that's exactly what he was doing. You're not stupid--you are aware of continuity in your life and relationships--you didn't arrive at this conclusion about wanting to be with him out of thin air. He engaged in behaviors that led you, a reasonable adult, to conclude that he was going in the same direction as you. When he deviated from that is when you sensed a "disturbance in the force".

 

I think you should go on and stick to your policy of dialing him back and casually dating others, since after two months, he's acting like he's over this. He's proving that he's not in this for the same reasons you are.

[j402]

If that's the case, then he's also not a good person to have extramarital sex with.

 

Then why does he feel he's entitled to bring his "struggle Johnson" to you, but doesn't want to consider what you need? Stay single until your finances are cleared up, then.

 

And perhaps he should not be giving you gifts or taking you out on dates if he can't afford his life or you in it.

 

 

 

Because that's exactly what he was doing. You're not stupid--you are aware of continuity in your life and relationships--you didn't arrive at this conclusion about wanting to be with him out of thin air. He engaged in behaviors that led you, a reasonable adult, to conclude that he was going in the same direction as you. When he deviated from that is when you sensed a "disturbance in the force".

 

I think you should go on and stick to your policy of dialing him back and casually dating others, since after two months, he's acting like he's over this. He's proving that he's not in this for the same reasons you are.

 

Thanks for your thoughts and they are exactly spot on with what I needed to hear.

 

Still have not heard from him(last text I sent was Thursday) and do not plan to pursue him at all unless he comes back to me. It took me a solid 24 hours to get over the pain of the thought of losing him but I have convinced myself if he truly was the one for me, I would know it!