January209 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 My boyfriend of two and a half years is holding on to a Grudge from our fourth date. We went out and some guy tried to harass us. I stepped in between them and he has never forgiven me. He felt that I took away his chance to be a man. I have offered several times for us to break up but that only makes him angrier. We have been to counseling and he feels he wasn't given the space to get over it properly. During this time, we have had issues with him texting and flirting with other women online and even sending one an intimate pic. I confronted him and though we are actively working that out and he hasn't had a date with anyone else, the fact that he got such a thrill from flirting and pushing boundaries makes me feel betrayed. We went back to counseling and the issue of the fourth date kept popping up. I have apologized profusely. I even scratched a table he made with a hot plate out of frustration when he began yelling at me once about the fourth date and I have gotten the table fixed to the tune of a couple hundred dollars. Though our counselor has been working us through this and things have finally gotten better, he is now saying that it took too long to fix the table andI never wanted to fix it in the first place. He is like this with lots of other people, holding on to petty things and not accepting apologies. I am getting super frustrated and wonder why he pursued a relationship with me in the first place. He claims he doesn't want to break up and gets emotional at the thought of me leaving but he can't get over this thing. What can I do?
kendahke Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 People treat you the way they feel about you. Stop offering him chances to break up. It's time for you to quit leaving your destiny in the hands of someone who has nothing but contempt for you. If this is more than you wish to deal with, dump him and move on. For a grown a$$ man to hold a grudge and punish you for 2 years screams immaturity and it highlights his inability to/disinterest in resolve conflicts with you. And for you to tolerate and ameliorate for 2 years speaks to where your own sense of self worth is--or isn't-- and that you don't think you deserve better treatment than this... because if you did, you wouldn't have stuck it out for 2 years and taken his punishment in exchange for being his girlfriend. 1
RedHead5 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 Is this what you want the rest of your life to feel like? You mentioned that he doesn't want you to leave and it makes him emotional but you didn't mention what you want. Don't be held hostage emotionally. If you aren't happy, leave. You don't owe him anything. And he CHEATS on you. You deserve to be happy and you need to put yourself first.
BaileyB Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 The question is, what do you want for your life. Do you want to be dating a man who holds onto every little thing you do "wrong" while expecting you to forgive and forget his own very poor behavior. There is a double standard here. It's a sign of an overinflated ego and emotional immaturity. Is this really what you want for your relationship and your future?
PegNosePete Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 we have had issues with him texting and flirting with other women online and even sending one an intimate pic. You have got to be kidding. After 2 and a half years he is still banging on about your 4th date? If I were you I'd tell him that you don't want to date a jealous 12 year old kid, and that you never want to hear this childish rubbish about your 4th date ever again. And then tell him that he's acted much more inappropriately in the relationship than you ever have, and if he can't get over himself, take responsibility for his own actions and grow up, then you'll be ditching him to find someone who is not a cheater. 1
Malin889 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 I read your post from June when he threatened and verbally abused you — https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/658128-am-i-wrong — are you still dating this guy? You really need to leave. Anyone that is that upset about something that happened 2 years ago is insecure and verbally abusive. You should not be going to therapy with him- you should end it. Couples therapy will not help him. He needs to see a psychiatrist on his own. You need to leave. How is your “business” going (from the other thread)? Do you have other means to live? Can you get out of this business? I lived with someone who was verbally abusivs and it was awful. Men who are verbally abusive aren’t men - they are insecure and they hate themselves and they project things onto their victims. This will not get better. You need to leave. 2
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 He claims he doesn't want to break up and gets emotional at the thought of me leaving So? You don't need his agreement to break up with him. His flirting and sending personal pictures is 100% unacceptable, why are you still with him? He's using this 4th date to excuse his poor behavior toward you. He will use it for the rest of his life and bring it up each time you catch him doing something inappropriate. Now you're just dating, can you imagine yourself having to handle this with children and the pressure of a mortgage? I know I wouldn't. 1
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 You are wasting your time with couples counseling. This has nothing to do with your actions...this has to do with his behavior problems. He needs anger management therapy. Until her sees that the issue lies within him, you can't fix this and should breakup with him. He will never change.
elaine567 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 Dating is supposed to be easy and fun. Nothing easy and fun here. 1
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