Healing and confusion after cheating

[sfroncz1]

Came on here to just journal/seek advice from others as I process the destruction of the relationship I thought was with the one.

 

I'm a 26 year old male and she's also 26. I'm a young lawyer, and she's a young news director in a town 2 hours away. Basically, we seemed to have the perfect relationship. Everyone often commented how crazy we were for one another and how in sync we were as a couple. People would often joke we were already fiancees or ask when we were going to get married. Of course, we had our problems…sometimes she could be a little headstrong (myself included) or stubborn. We would debate on certain issues, but at the end of the day, we were always polite and loved one another for the lively debate. We had a lot in common and enjoyed doing a lot of things together. The only major problem was her dealing with her ex-boyfriends. About 6 months into our relationship, I found out a person she had invited me to hang out with in a group had previously not only been with her in a cheating capacity to her former college boyfriend but that he still also sent sexual texts that she chose to ignore. He actually said once, “you can move out of your mom’s house and not pay rent here. You just have to **** me.” This was often passed off as how he was and I didn’t have to worry. Another ex who she cheated on because she said she forced a relationship out of a friendship is now one of her good friends but he has always seemed to long for her still. He writes her handwritten birthday cards saying, “I long for the time we can see each other again.” Once again, that’s just how he is. I shouldn’t think anything of it. Our only real fights ever occurred when ex-boyfriends came into the picture because she always thought she could be friends with them. Sometimes, she said she felt I didn’t trust her, but I said these guys were disrespecting me to my face but I always let her handle it.

 

Now, this past August we had some tension because I was unemployed and living 2 hours away with my parents. We would see each other switching off weekends in one another’s location. She always enjoyed talking to me but sometimes she didn’t help me be productive because she would want to talk on the phone from 6:30-7:30 and then again at like 9:00-1am. I would sometimes ask for some time do workout, watch movies, play video games, etc. and she would just act like I was blowing her off or say “youre just trying to get rid of me.” However at the time, it did not feel too serious. Side note: sometimes she didn’t like being around my family too much. The week before she cheated, our family was involved in a minor argument with some cousins at a family wedding that she witnessed (although I was not included). She did comment once or twice that because I was living at home and unemployed, I seemed angrier or moodier, but I would always explain its because I felt stuck and hoped to be out soon.

 

August 18, she went out with coworkers and I talked to her on the phone and wished her well. Send me snaps and call when she got home. She never called and when I woke up the next day, I started to get worried. I discovered a few hours later from “find my friends” she had spent the night (naked in his bed and he fingered her) with her new employee (who she hired and is the boss of - who basically everyone who sees him says has nothing on me in any way) when she blacked out and he made a move on her. She was devastated. Said I was the love of her life and she ruined it. She wanted me to be the father of her children. I naturally was a little angry, and until, I could see her the next week asked her to not only tell her mother what she did but apologize to my family as a sign of good faith (they were there when I found out). She told her mom but never my family. She came up to see me and said she had been looking for jobs near me but couldn’t find anything. We were a little awkward at first but soon became electric again. We had sex twice over the weekend, and she said she had never been so wet or had better sex ever (sorry for being gross). End of the weekend, she starts crying and asks for space. Says her feelings for him have grown and although it had previously been a minor workplace crush, she felt it could be more. She wanted a week of space. I agreed.

 

The next day I got angry again and said I should get the week and called off the whole relationship. That night she wrote me “I’m so sorry. It shouldn’t have ended this way. I will always love you.” We talked that night, and I asked her to choose him or me, and she couldn’t. Said “she loved me, but was confused. Thinks I’m the one, but is not sure.” I stopped talking to her because she wouldn’t commit. The next day her friend messaged me and asked me to give her the week. I told her she had a week, but I had to consider us over with the chance of starting again. Said in this time, I could look at dating apps or maybe talk to someone if she was feeling this way about this guy. I waited and eventually texted Friday to talk. Found out she had seen him again Thursday to discuss her feelings and they made out. Her reasoning was that I had called it off, so I can’t be upset. I got blackout drunk the next night and called her. Broke my phone talking to her. Called her “a manipulative **** ” for telling me she loved me when she would go off with him, and terribly said, “she would just be the girl who someone ****ed at every news room she goes to” because she has a minor history of a lot of minor relationships. From there, I cut off contact for another week. Begged her back in a moment of despair, and she said that she just couldn’t decide. She believes me to be a 98% match but the “what-if” of him is killing her. She was aware that leaving me could be the biggest mistake of her life. But, he could be the one and the BEST thing. She just wants me to be happy and not hurt me again. Said I deserved someone better. Called herself a ****, a *****, and a ****** because although she knew the cheating was wrong, she kind of liked it and both did and did not want it to continue. Supposedly, he expects a lot of her and works hard for her in the newsroom (“they could conquer the world together”), can make her laugh on a stressful day, and she wants to know more about him (she’s known him prior to this 2 months). For me, it was that we were very in sync and although I was always satisfying sexually with her, she felt sometimes we weren’t entirely compatible or I let her down socially sometimes if I looked at my phone while with her. I can’t remember exactly but she either said she saw me as a father figure or as a possible good father figure. She quoted that I would sometimes try to get out of her phone calls or the conversation felt forced (BUT AFTER 4 HOURS COME ON). I asked her to choose again, and she couldn’t. I tried to explain “grass is greener” and asked for a couple therapy, and she refused even though previously she wanted to go after she cheated.

 

I went no contact for another 2 weeks and drunkenly contacted her saying, “I would be her biggest mistake in life.” Next day, I apologized, and she said don’t worry. I asked for her to remove all doubt for me that we would be back together because it was hurting me from moving on. She said “I don’t know what to say. I don’t see us back together at this point and I’m shocked to hear myself saying it.” I asked her to say that she could never love me romantically again and that she chose him, and she said “I suppose you could put it that way.” They are still not dating, but most likely hooking up while she is single. I stopped all communication.

 

2 weeks after I had stopped communication, she decided to reach out to tell me she would be saying prayers for me because she had heard through her mother that my family would be putting my dog down. At first, I thanked her, but then later said that I did not want to be friends and her communication was inappropriate. This seemed to displease her, and she said she only did it because she thought it would cheer me up and her mom encouraged her to do it (said her mom said I would be angry if she did not do it). I lied and told her I no longer had hurt so not to worry, and I was happy with myself and it just didn't work out because she didn't see me as good enough for her. She went back to her saying how wonderful I am and blah blah blah. I agreed and lied I was no longer groveling over her and her actions are toxic, this almost seemed to make her angry. From there, I blocked all contact and finally removed all her friends and family from social media (they had been liking my stuff and her mother had even reached out to me a number of times telling me to be patient with her). I had heard through the grapevine, she acted as if I was slightly crazy for how I took us breaking up, but I find that really ironic that she contacts me when I completely cut ties.

 

As far as my personal journey, I got into a boxing class even though I was already in good shape a few weeks after the relationship ended. I also have been writing and focusing on my career. Trying to move up even farther. Other than that, no real signs of improvement. I just really miss her. I know that when we are in a room together we are like no one else. She even said “if we were in the same city. This wouldn’t have happened, but it did.” But at the end of the day, I cannot play games. This is bad for me and unless she truly wanted to come back with the right intentions, I have to cut her out of my life. My sister said to me, "if she really wanted to be with you 1000%, she would find a way to get around blocks to contact you." Until then (which probably won't happen) for my own mind, I need to move forward.

 

So yeah…that’s my story. About a month and a half out of the breakup. Now starting a new round of no contact with a complete block for my own mental health.

 

Cliff notes:

- 3 year relationship

- she cheats, begs me back, leaves again

- i beg her for like 3 weeks with no result

- stop contact and she reaches out and I tell her to leave me alone

-hurting really bad and still love her but this is bad for me if she keeps playing games. trying to get my mind off of it

 

Any insight, tips, advice, thoughts on whats going on with her, or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated

[Blinksy]

I feel you man. Going trough the exact same thing except she didnt (or atleast I dont want to belive) slept with anyone prior to our breakup. She was just texting (which I asked her to stop) with a guy from a different country and things got a little too far and I broke up with her and didnt accepted anything from her... not even sex.

Now she's hooking up with someone but I know that no man can make her feel the way I do. But I just cant stand her behaviour anymore. She's a sociopath and a manipulative bitch.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is ridiculous, and not ready for a lifetime commitment. You dodged a bullet with this one, OP. She has a lot of growing up left to do.

 

Spending hours at a time on the phone is both needy and controlling. I have to wonder if she did that as a way of keeping tabs on you, because she knows what she gets up to when she's out of communication with you. I believe you were looking at a lot of projection there.

 

She has a history of cheating on another boyfriend too, so it's not terribly surprising that she's done it again. Evidently, she has learned nothing from her previous poor choices. This is someone with an established pattern of bad behaviour and nonexistent boundaries. So at the end of the day, it doesn't even matter if this guy has nothing on you - what matters is that she has clearly demonstrated that she is not relationship material. More than likely she will wind up doing the same thing to him.

 

You are still young. Once you have healed, you will find much higher-quality women out there, who are ready for commitment and don't take the craptastic way out if they are no longer interested.

[sfroncz1]

That sucks man. How long has it been since your breakup? I'm coming up on 2 months, and I've pretty much completely given up on her

[Blinksy]

I'm one month in but we had on and offs for the last 6 months or so. So I'm pretty used to the idea of her gone from my life. Just not used to her beign with another guy. And I have no idea why I'm frustrated about it because I dont want her in my life ever again.

[sfroncz1]

My other question would be: her and this guy have shared nothing of a relationship or any interaction on social media of any sort. It almost makes me wonder if its not going well, and that's why I received the message about my dog. Almost a feeler of sorts. Any thoughts on that? Like do these people try to come back to you in some form or another usually in the long run? I'm by no means saying I want her back, but I think it might be best to anticipate a potential mindf*** that could be arising here to prepare mentally if its not real.

[ExpatInItaly]

My other question would be: her and this guy have shared nothing of a relationship or any interaction on social media of any sort. It almost makes me wonder if its not going well, and that's why I received the message about my dog. Almost a feeler of sorts. Any thoughts on that? Like do these people try to come back to you in some form or another usually in the long run? I'm by no means saying I want her back, but I think it might be best to anticipate a potential mindf*** that could be arising here to prepare mentally if its not real.

 

Eh, no, not always.

 

I found out a long-term ex of mine had an affair, but didn't know the full extent of it until after we'd broken up. While he tried to maintain some sort of friendship with me at first (I believe out of guilt, as he didn't want me to think badly of him) we eventually stopped speaking as I moved on and his relationship with his affair partner got more serious. He didn't know that I knew as much as I did about his infidelity, either.

 

We never entertained the option of getting back together. I don't believe either of was interested, to be honest. It's been years now since we last had any sort of communication, so while some cheaters bounce back, many do stay gone too. And the latter is usually for the best. The former often leads to a second break-up.

 

Social media is not a reliable indicator of someone's relationship, either. There could be several reasons why they're not interacting online yet.

Edited October 10, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Blinksy]

I feel sorry for you. I just found out tonight after hacking my ex-gf facebook that she had a long distance affair with a guy from another country while she was with me, telling me that everything was fine adn I dont have to worry about him. We broke up 1 month ago and after 10 days shw was already "in love" with him telling him she loves him and he's everything she ever wanted. I dont know how I contained my anger and didnt destroyed her face when I saw her tonight to get my stuff from her.

I still cant belive that she did that to me when I've done nothing wrong to her in almost 2 years of relationship. I dont know how to contain my anger and rage over the situation. I asked her precisely to not do that to me because cheating is one thing that I hate the most and she still did that, lying to my face, and not even admiting it after 1 month of breakup when I saw all their conversation history and saw how the relationship started.

[Calmandfocused]

You sounds like a very intelligent man. You write very well.

 

To help you in your recovery, I urge you to read your OP. I mean really read it:-

 

The writing was on the wall from the get go. She likes cheating. The thrill, the excitement, the challenge of getting guys hooked on her. Guaranteed that this new man will get exactly the same dose that you have been given. Time is all thats required.

 

You’re currently in withdrawal phase and your emotions are clouding your logic. But once this lifts, you will see the relationship for what it is. You will then thank your lucky stars that this happened and that you were saved from a lifetime of misey.

[AT15]

You needed to experience this from her. She has no boundaries. I hope you take her off the pedestal you put her on. She's not it, she's not the one.

 

She has issues.