todreaminblue Posted October 11, 2018 Posted October 11, 2018 za ....i think you need to accept people more in this case women.....if you seek perfection or seek out your perception of perfection you will end up alone.... there's this movie called shallow hal that actually has some really sweet thoughts ....you need to accept all people will have flaws.....some you could really live with and some you wont be able to contemplate living with...but...dont knock women out before you truly know them.... as far as first date places go ,what i truly believe in my heart is more important than what you do or where you go...is the communication...and most important...is how you listen to her.....they are my go to tips for a successful date for a guy... listen.. be interested..... let the conversation flow wherever it wills.... be accepting .... be chilled....calm ...relaxed...confident dont sweat the details......that can come later....on subsequent dates...good luck...deb 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 11, 2018 Author Posted October 11, 2018 LOL! You want to be single. If you're this picky about little stuff you'll never be able to deal with the big stuff. Don't date. So to answer your topic question: How Not to Mess this Up? The answer is you can't. You don't really want to date anyone. You cannot accept anything less than fantasy. Well she isn't communicating with me today so I assume something better has arrived on the scene. Thanks for the huge vote of confidence by the way.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 11, 2018 Author Posted October 11, 2018 Well obviously, if she wanders around the world on a whim you are not compatable... But, whether she is a secretary, a physician, a hairstylist, or a corporate lawyer - it does not matter. If she is a good person, who is interesting, a good conversationalist, and fun to be with - don't worry about her job... All you need is a woman who is employed and who works hours that are somewhat similar to yours (such that you will be able to find time to date). You have got to get out of your head... Stop over analyzing this. Not so sure about the work hours thing. In the absence of anything else I have practically created a life that only consists of work. I don't have high hopes about this but let's see. The initial few days were great but being Tinder I am sure she is still shopping. At the end of the day she can choose, me not so much.
brigit87 Posted October 11, 2018 Posted October 11, 2018 Well she isn't communicating with me today so I assume something better has arrived on the scene. Thanks for the huge vote of confidence by the way. And now that she's not communicating with you the fact that she's 36 isn't a big deal is it? However, if she does text you then you'll go back to obsessing about stuff you don't like about her. Maybe you want to talk about crummy dating experiences? You might find that fun for some reason. You definitively get a lot of attention talking about bad dating. If you actually met someone and had a fine relationship what would you post about?
Author ZA Dater Posted October 11, 2018 Author Posted October 11, 2018 And now that she's not communicating with you the fact that she's 36 isn't a big deal is it? However, if she does text you then you'll go back to obsessing about stuff you don't like about her. Maybe you want to talk about crummy dating experiences? You might find that fun for some reason. You definitively get a lot of attention talking about bad dating. If you actually met someone and had a fine relationship what would you post about? Actually there is more I like about her than dislike. Fun, fun for me is measured in success, in setting out to do something and doing it, thats fun for me. Working at something difficult and not giving up until you get it right, that's fun for me. I'll still see if she wants to meet up and I suspect the gentle fade has started. Understandable and I don't judge for that, she is beautiful, smart, well spoken, considered unusual in SA by virtue she isn't from SA, all those things make her super desirable. I don't and wont ever buy into the fact average ladies will ever struggle to date, whereas as average guys will always battle. What the forum doesn't get, for all my edited pictures I am starting to get more positive experiences, I don't need to sit and never get an attractive match, now I do actually get some, sure most aren't actually interested in me but its a few minutes of chatting perhaps and its nice, unsurprisingly I have pretty much no friends so this sort of interacting is nice. My strategy for he is to just be me and try avoid going down the interview route but inevitably it will happen, the severity will be the main thing, sometimes its more subtle than others. Not going to even try the kissing part, I'll make a complete mess of that so I will stick to a hug which I guess just shouts friend zone but anyway. I'll try make her laugh, try make it "fun" based on what normal people find fun. I wouldn't be able to tell if she liked me or not so as long as she smiles and laughs I'd consider it to be a decent enough date, almost certainly I wont see her again so I'll make the most of it. See what I did here....very low expectations so I wont be disappointed!
lurker74 Posted October 11, 2018 Posted October 11, 2018 Age, within reason, is not that important unless you need to have kids. I've dated women from age 22 to 47 - a 25 year spread. I can say that I thought the 22 year old would be fun - and she was - but shallow. The 47 year old was interesting and exciting (and in great shape). So in that spread, I've found that it is a relatively unimportant decision point. Where I think it can matter is how she would interact with friends. Most of my friends are upper 20s to upper 30s and sometimes a 40-something woman has trouble hanging. Most of them are professional and when they see a girl dating me that is half my age, they doubt she has substance. So interaction with mt friends is why I try to focus on the ~28 to 38 range.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 12, 2018 Author Posted October 12, 2018 Age, within reason, is not that important unless you need to have kids. I've dated women from age 22 to 47 - a 25 year spread. I can say that I thought the 22 year old would be fun - and she was - but shallow. The 47 year old was interesting and exciting (and in great shape). So in that spread, I've found that it is a relatively unimportant decision point. Where I think it can matter is how she would interact with friends. Most of my friends are upper 20s to upper 30s and sometimes a 40-something woman has trouble hanging. Most of them are professional and when they see a girl dating me that is half my age, they doubt she has substance. So interaction with mt friends is why I try to focus on the ~28 to 38 range. The older the person the more like there is going to be significant baggage. Interacting for me is pretty important because inevitably that's going to involved fancy events with successful people so it would be helpful she spoke well and presented well. I don't have many friends and sometimes I wonder if this would be a major red flag for a date but I have never got that far so I wouldn't know... She is still taking to me but the whole approach has changed, definitely friend zoned. I tried to suggest a meet up this weekend but she didn't seem so keen "I am seeing my bestie this weekend".
Logo Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 You might want to ditch the video chat. If you feel that you have to have the call then if you seem to be hitting it off, ask her out right there and then. Just to add to what was previously posted, remember that eye contact is very important. And what may seem as uncomfortable silences are actually a good opportunity to connect through eye contact, a gentle loving type of smile, holding her hand, ....you get the idea. The kiss? When the time is right, just look her in the eyes, pause, let the tension build for a second, don’t say a word, and as you’re leaning, close your eyes and .......
Author ZA Dater Posted October 12, 2018 Author Posted October 12, 2018 You might want to ditch the video chat. If you feel that you have to have the call then if you seem to be hitting it off, ask her out right there and then. Just to add to what was previously posted, remember that eye contact is very important. And what may seem as uncomfortable silences are actually a good opportunity to connect through eye contact, a gentle loving type of smile, holding her hand, ....you get the idea. The kiss? When the time is right, just look her in the eyes, pause, let the tension build for a second, don’t say a word, and as you’re leaning, close your eyes and ....... For some reason she wants the video chat....
Chilli Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 What happened to the one with the kid is she still around ?
Author ZA Dater Posted October 13, 2018 Author Posted October 13, 2018 What happened to the one with the kid is she still around ? Friend zoned her.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 15, 2018 Author Posted October 15, 2018 "I told you so" is going to ring true here. Communication has practically ceased and a date is looking is very unlikely. Again I suppose its Tinder so its to be expected but I starting to think everyone is the same. At least I got some good conversation from it which is better than nothing. Perhaps I should have opened my eyes... 37yo No kids No mention of career Moved around Way above average looking. All is not lost, she might re appear at some stage. Or perhaps my edited pictures didn't work so well, despite her telling me looks don't matter.
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 Wait a minute. Looks take seconds to assess, yes, no or maybe, that hurdle had already been crossed ages ago. She was well past the looks stage, this was on to the "maintaining conversation and keeping interest alive" stage. That, I think is where your real problem lies, not your looks..
guest569 Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 You should have set up a green screen prior to the date so you could edit the background colour to match your heavily edit photo backgrounds. Live photoshop.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 15, 2018 Author Posted October 15, 2018 Wait a minute. Looks take seconds to assess, yes, no or maybe, that hurdle had already been crossed ages ago. She was well past the looks stage, this was on to the "maintaining conversation and keeping interest alive" stage. That, I think is where your real problem lies, not your looks.. Which is why I need people I can "work" with in some way or form. She is still chatting but maybe one text per day. Interest tends to wane if people aren't willing to meet up quickly and she simply doesn't seem to want to meet up. The inherent problem you mention is there. I cant keep them interested because most of my life is governed by work so unless the person is involved in that there isn't a lot more to me day to day than that. Probably why the friend zone works so well with K, we work on similar things so there is always something to talk about. Sure I can sit and do politics and world affairs but nobody gets excited by that. I can sit and talk literature and nobody gets excited about that either. Life is a strange thing but in some ways I don't have it too bad at dating, I a past the point of caring about hooking up, I'd be too shy to do that anyway and lack that sort of confidence. As you have said before there is too much work involved with any lady to date me, its not really worth their while. I think of that comment often. I guess what I just try and do is get dates with people I can like on a vicarious level, like the idea knowing that's about as far as I am ever going to get.
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 Interest tends to wane if people aren't willing to meet up quickly and she simply doesn't seem to want to meet up. Maybe because HER photos are heavily edited, or she is insecure or has had too many rejections, or she is agoraphobic, or has other reasons for merely wanting to chat - she has a bf/husband maybe??? The "blame" may not be on you it may be on her... Did you ever do the video chat? Dating is never easy, finding that one person you connect on many levels is difficult. That is where universal stuff like music, sports and other common hobbies come in. "She may not be interested in medieval history but her taste in music is the same as mine." That is also where lust comes in, lust papers over a lot of the cracks...
Author ZA Dater Posted October 15, 2018 Author Posted October 15, 2018 Maybe because HER photos are heavily edited, or she is insecure or has had too many rejections, or she is agoraphobic, or has other reasons for merely wanting to chat - she has a bf/husband maybe??? The "blame" may not be on you it may be on her... Did you ever do the video chat? Dating is never easy, finding that one person you connect on many levels is difficult. That is where universal stuff like music, sports and other common hobbies come in. "She may not be interested in medieval history but her taste in music is the same as mine." That is also where lust comes in, lust papers over a lot of the cracks... No we didn't. I suspect her looks mean she has plenty of options whereas I don't really which makes our markets very different. Her pictures aren't edited she sent me a selfie, I have sent them before and got blocked each time I did so I flatly refuse to send them. As usual you are right. I just find it near impossible to find single people I connect with, factually I don't meet many people per se and none are ever single. Sure lust might but I simply cannot go there, I don't have the confidence for it nor any experience and not on this earth am I going to own up to either of those things to a date. It would be a different matter if any of them actually wanted me but none really do I have spent time observing people in relationships looking at body language and I never get any of that sort of body language on dates. Ironically I am more likely to try things when I know I have zero chance.... K is reaching out more often, I know I am wont get anywhere there but its just nice to have someone I can be me with, open up with and not have the pressure of trying to impress.
brigit87 Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 " Or perhaps my edited pictures didn't work so well, despite her telling me looks don't matter. You said she saw the real pictures not the edited ones.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 15, 2018 Author Posted October 15, 2018 You said she saw the real pictures not the edited ones. She did but the conversation became slower not too long after that..
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 Her pictures aren't edited she sent me a selfie, OK but selfies are easily edited, there is a raft of selfie apps that can make just about anyone look great or interesting at the touch of a button. It is just a pity K isn't interested. Has she still got the same bf?
brigit87 Posted October 15, 2018 Posted October 15, 2018 She did but the conversation became slower not too long after that.. OK. So it didn't work out. I dated lots of guys before I met my husband. I don't know why you keep using Tinder. It sounds like a yucky way to meet someone.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2018 Author Posted October 16, 2018 OK. So it didn't work out. I dated lots of guys before I met my husband. I don't know why you keep using Tinder. It sounds like a yucky way to meet someone. She is still chatting on and off but I don't get the vibe she is super interested. As for Tinder, cant think of any other ways to meet people. Regular dating sites don't work here at all.
brigit87 Posted October 16, 2018 Posted October 16, 2018 She is still chatting on and off but I don't get the vibe she is super interested. As for Tinder, cant think of any other ways to meet people. Regular dating sites don't work here at all. The best way is to have friends fix you up and go on a group date.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2018 Author Posted October 16, 2018 The best way is to have friends fix you up and go on a group date. Which would work well if you had friends on the same page as you, alas I don't and the set up dates weren't ever very good because what they like and what I like are two different things.
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