Reflecting upon a toxic relationship

[elenalaughterlove10]

This relationship took place quite a while ago, it didn't last very long and it was incredibly hurtful for me. Till this day I have no idea what happened, but here I am asking for some insight. This person is no longer in my life nor will he ever be. But the things he said and did to me had effected me immensely. And I need to know whether he was at all right.

 

I met Eric (fake) through a friend and we clicked instantly. We went out twice, then didn't see each other for a couple of weeks. I suggested hanging out a few times and he turned me down stating he was busy. But when we were together he seemed so into me. I asked him nicely to tell me whether he had lost interest because I wasn't liking the hot and cold approach. He apologised and offered to take me for a walk. We walked, he stated all of the medical issues he had, in the end he asked me if I could wait for him for four months as he was now super busy. I said no and said we could try dating now. I am quite independent and wasn't expecting him to hover over me or anything. He said ok. He started calling me his gf that night and asked me if I wanted to change my FB relationship status. This was a 30 plus old man.

 

For a few weeks we saw each other once a week. We would walk, he didn't want to go to coffee places, restaurants and he didn't want to tell me where he lived. (no, he wasn't cheating on me, he was super public about me on his social networks - more than I liked it tbh). Then I had my surgery. He offered to help (I didn't ask him), but then he came to see me a few days after the surgery, after initially cancelling. He stayed for several hours, we ate, we watched TV, kissed a bit, he left. This was the only time he came to see me after the surgery.

 

His bday was coming up so I asked him if he wanted me to do something for him. I told him I was fine if he was going to spend it with his friends or his family, but if he wanted for me to do organise something I would. He first said he wanted just me there. Then he changed his mind and said he would like to celebrate with me and friends. Then our mutual friend asked me about the details, so I turned to Eric for that info and he scolded me. He said he was super stressed out and busy and doesn't have time for partying with friends, and also he would feel guilty spending so much money in front of his employees (he was running his business). If you read this message alone you would think I insisted on a big party. When it was his idea and his idea alone. I told him I just wanted to see him for a bit on his bday. The day before I asked him when and where we could meet. He didn't respond until the next morning (after I wished him a happy birthday but also told him I didn't understand why he was ignoring my text but we could talk about it later). He said I was threatening him (because of the we can talk about it later bit) and he didn't respond well to threats. He said he had taken some pills the day before and was out of it the whole day.

 

Then he told me he had bipolar. Firstly, if you have a mental illness and it's making you act in an irrational way and your partner has no idea about it, then you don't go and scold her every time she reacts to your irrational behaviour. Every time after scolding me he would call me pathologically insecure and tell me I should see a shrink. I started questioning my own sanity, was I being overly demanding? Wtf? He told me I could leave if I wanted to or talk to his friend about it, a friend I had never met before. I said I couldn't give him that answer now. I liked him and cared about him. I wanted to help him.

 

Then the hiking incident happened. He asked me to go hiking but warned me it would be a proper hike (I don't hike). This was a man who was always either busy or sick. Also, I still wasn't fully recovered from my surgery so I turned him down. On the day of the hike I wished him a fun day at this mountain, he said they were not going to the mountain. naturally I assumed they weren't going at all so I texted one of the friends who was going to go for the hike and asked her if she wanted to go for coffee. Then she texted me: we are on our way to the mountain.... So I text Eric, concerned that this super sick guy didn't go because he was not feeling well (as he had cancelled on me a million times being sick) and he just writes: we are going to a different mountain, stop being dramatic. I feel like you are checking up on me.

 

He was supposed to drop by after the hike, naturally he cancelled last minute - so another argument. He eventually came to see me a few days later and I told him I was quite confused about his behaviour. We left it at that. He was a lot less dominant in person than he was through his texts. We went to his office party where he played video games the whole evening so I ended up talking to his friend as I am not really into video games.

 

Finally, he cancelled our New Year's plans / last minute / via a text and I lost it (well I wouldn't say lost it, but I definitely snapped). I accused him of lying to me, told him he was a coward. Then he gave me the excuse. I started apologising, he accused me of being aggressive. Then we broke up and he called me nasty things on his social networks. He told me I was controlling and jealous. Do you think I was? I really don't. Thanks.

[coolheadal]

Brave you were to deal with his mood swings and his behavior. But i the end you both ended this so you need to move on and forget him and everything that happen. You should find a person who you can share a good time with and wants to be with you and only you.

 

Needs to be Interested in you.

Needs to like you.

Needs to care about you.

Needs to love you ...

Last part would be in Love with you or I love you mode.

 

That's what true relationship is...

 

What you had was caos, he wasn't really digging you he was all about himself and most of all him. Friends and his family. Being sick and cancelling date plans was just excuse to say he didn't want to date you or hangout with you.

 

Sad I know it hurts I've been there too. Your not alone. But I am stable and I can handle anything today. But you need to find that special someone that has those traits I said above..

 

Good luck and forget the past because the past it gone and you should live for the NOW! Remember that guy couldn't change for you and you should never change who you are inside and out.!

[lurker74]

Your story exhibits all the classic signs of bipolar and push pull. There is little doubt that you contributed to it, so rather than reflect on the past to determine if you did something "wrong" or unwise, look for the moments that should trigger you to change your behavior.

 

First, there is him calling you GF after two meets and a walk. Whether he was bipolar or not, this is not appropriate. The relationship should develop over time. You can cut off others you might be talking to but you should not feel too involved in someone - nor them in you - that quickly.

 

Second, once a week walk dates are not dates. Great, he wasn't cheating on you but neither were you escalating the relationship, seeing each other in different venues and contexts. You don't have to have sex but there should be a gradual escalation. This almost seems the opposite of the calling you GF thing. One was too fast, the other too slow.

 

Third, the birthday thing is a big red flag. If you are scolded for trying to be nice, you have to be very careful not to apologize or engage in the behavior. Maybe you didn't but that whole incident should have been a signal to put the relationship on ice if not end it with dignity. You seem like you communicate but did you communicate to him the unfairness of being scolded for doing what he asked? That you understand stress but that it isn't fair for him to take it out on you?

 

Fourth, classic push pull, he uses his illness to pull you back, likely sensing you moving away. And you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. Are you a licensed psychologist or a board certified psychiatrist? If not, your job is not to help or rescue him. Being supportive is one thing...helping him is not your role. But he got you into that place by making you feel guilty for being angry with him. I imagine you were greatly confused.

 

Fifth, the "you're being dramatic" thing is a classic control thing. At this point, the relationship should be ended. I think you knew that. When stuff like that is recast as you being crazy, it's very close to gaslighting, which is on the way to mental and emotional abuse. Also another example of pushing you away after pulling you back.

 

Look for the moments that will trigger a different behavior in you next time. When someone advances a relationship beyond where it should be. When they drag their feet. When they push you away and make you feel like you did something wrong by trying to help and when they pull you back in with guilt, flowers, or "love." These are all things on which you can base changes in your cognitive behavior but only if you pay attention to the triggers themselves.

 

Good luck.

[elenalaughterlove10]

Your story exhibits all the classic signs of bipolar and push pull. There is little doubt that you contributed to it, so rather than reflect on the past to determine if you did something "wrong" or unwise, look for the moments that should trigger you to change your behavior.

 

First, there is him calling you GF after two meets and a walk. Whether he was bipolar or not, this is not appropriate. The relationship should develop over time. You can cut off others you might be talking to but you should not feel too involved in someone - nor them in you - that quickly.

 

Second, once a week walk dates are not dates. Great, he wasn't cheating on you but neither were you escalating the relationship, seeing each other in different venues and contexts. You don't have to have sex but there should be a gradual escalation. This almost seems the opposite of the calling you GF thing. One was too fast, the other too slow.

 

Third, the birthday thing is a big red flag. If you are scolded for trying to be nice, you have to be very careful not to apologize or engage in the behavior. Maybe you didn't but that whole incident should have been a signal to put the relationship on ice if not end it with dignity. You seem like you communicate but did you communicate to him the unfairness of being scolded for doing what he asked? That you understand stress but that it isn't fair for him to take it out on you?

 

Fourth, classic push pull, he uses his illness to pull you back, likely sensing you moving away. And you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. Are you a licensed psychologist or a board certified psychiatrist? If not, your job is not to help or rescue him. Being supportive is one thing...helping him is not your role. But he got you into that place by making you feel guilty for being angry with him. I imagine you were greatly confused.

 

Fifth, the "you're being dramatic" thing is a classic control thing. At this point, the relationship should be ended. I think you knew that. When stuff like that is recast as you being crazy, it's very close to gaslighting, which is on the way to mental and emotional abuse. Also another example of pushing you away after pulling you back.

 

Look for the moments that will trigger a different behavior in you next time. When someone advances a relationship beyond where it should be. When they drag their feet. When they push you away and make you feel like you did something wrong by trying to help and when they pull you back in with guilt, flowers, or "love." These are all things on which you can base changes in your cognitive behavior but only if you pay attention to the triggers themselves.

 

Good luck.

 

Not sure if you are some kind of health professional but thank you for the in-depth explanation. I myself suffer from anxiety (interesting how his mental illness meant a free pass for being a jerk to me but my anxiety meant I was being overly dramatic). I feel there's a lot of work to be done and assertiveness to be acquired!

[dispatch3d]

I would assume he wanted to be the one to plan the birthday stuff, not you. When you stepped on his toes he got upset by that and then didn't talk to you as a result. That's the two day quiet time you got I believe. His reactions kind of speak to him being upset at that point of time.

 

The facebook stuff is really unfortunate and true bad behaviour. I'm surprised he was so open about his mental illness problems. Anyhow I guess live and learn - I wouldn't call most of that "toxic". I have seen a lot worse maybe?

 

He's probably inexperienced is why he thought you were bf/gf after 2 weeks.

[ExpatInItaly]

Someone truly suffering from a mental illness as serious as bi-polar disorder is generally not going to behave in an emotionally stable, consistent manner if they are not also being treated for it.

 

His erratic and evasive behaviour illustrates the point.

 

He likes the idea of having a girlfriend, but not the reality of it. He wanted people to believe he was this great guy with a great girl to go with, but in reality, his own "girlfriend" couldn't tell you where he lived or what he usually orders in a coffee shop. He was trying to create a facade to show off online when real life was nowhere even close to what he portrayed.

 

I don't believe for a minute that he wasn't hiding something from you. Another woman? Maybe. Being public on Facebook means little if someone is really adept at covering their tracks and filters who sees what. Ask me how I know! But there could be other things he didn't want you to know about him. I don't doubt his mental health issues contribute to this, but my guess is that you would be surprised to learn the whole and unvarnished truth, too.

[elenalaughterlove10]

I would assume he wanted to be the one to plan the birthday stuff, not you. When you stepped on his toes he got upset by that and then didn't talk to you as a result. That's the two day quiet time you got I believe. His reactions kind of speak to him being upset at that point of time.

 

The facebook stuff is really unfortunate and true bad behaviour. I'm surprised he was so open about his mental illness problems. Anyhow I guess live and learn - I wouldn't call most of that "toxic". I have seen a lot worse maybe?

 

He's probably inexperienced is why he thought you were bf/gf after 2 weeks.

 

Hm.... I didn't really plan anything so I didn't step on anyone's toes. And even if I had, a grown up human giving me a silent treatment over it is immature at best. It seems like you're justifying his reactions. I am not sure where you got the idea of me planning his bday party. At every single point I asked him what he wanted to do and how and where. He said he wanted friends there which I mentioned to our mutual friend, and as his bday was approaching and he was not saying anything, she asked me to ask him about the location. Which is what I did. So I didn't really plan anything. Am I not allowed to ask him any questions which he might find annoying? That's bullying - at best.

[dispatch3d]

Crap you replied to me, alright I'll reread your paragraph, quoted below and bolded what I'm addressing and italics his reactions.

 

His bday was coming up so I asked him if he wanted me to do something for him. I told him I was fine if he was going to spend it with his friends or his family, but if he wanted for me to do organise something I would. He first said he wanted just me there.

 

So he figured you would organize it, and wanted a date-type thing. You didn't organize it, or you omitted attempting to organize it, so he changes plans:

 

 

Then he changed his mind and said he would like to celebrate with me and friends. Then our mutual friend asked me about the details, so I turned to Eric for that info and he scolded me.

 

There's a bunch more reaction here but at any rate you asked him what his plans were, he had none and may have thought you were planning something. At this point he was on a downward spiral about his birthday and you should have waited a couple days before contacting him (if) he didn't contact you on his own when he's ready to.

 

He said he was super stressed out and busy and doesn't have time for partying with friends, and also he would feel guilty spending so much money in front of his employees (he was running his business). If you read this message alone you would think I insisted on a big party. When it was his idea and his idea alone. I told him I just wanted to see him for a bit on his bday. The day before I asked him when and where we could meet. He didn't respond until the next morning (after I wished him a happy birthday but also told him I didn't understand why he was ignoring my text but we could talk about it later). He said I was threatening him (because of the we can talk about it later bit) and he didn't respond well to threats. He said he had taken some pills the day before and was out of it the whole day.

 

You didn't give him enough time to respond, and when you did contact him you scolded him, which was a bad idea. You needed to give him space, then simply send something like "what's going on with the birthday now?" or something to that effect, open-ended and leaving it in his court. I wouldn't pretend I'm great at the wording, but mentioning why is he ignoring your text was an obvious bad move. On second thought.... Probably the best move would have been to say why don't we do something together instead? But anyhow....

 

Not taking any sides just trying to lend a helping hand.

[elenalaughterlove10]

Crap you replied to me, alright I'll reread your paragraph, quoted below and bolded what I'm addressing and italics his reactions.

 

 

 

So he figured you would organize it, and wanted a date-type thing. You didn't organize it, or you omitted attempting to organize it, so he changes plans:

 

 

 

 

There's a bunch more reaction here but at any rate you asked him what his plans were, he had none and may have thought you were planning something. At this point he was on a downward spiral about his birthday and you should have waited a couple days before contacting him (if) he didn't contact you on his own when he's ready to.

 

 

 

You didn't give him enough time to respond, and when you did contact him you scolded him, which was a bad idea. You needed to give him space, then simply send something like "what's going on with the birthday now?" or something to that effect, open-ended and leaving it in his court. I wouldn't pretend I'm great at the wording, but mentioning why is he ignoring your text was an obvious bad move. On second thought.... Probably the best move would have been to say why don't we do something together instead? But anyhow....

 

Not taking any sides just trying to lend a helping hand.

 

I appreciate your reply. However, at this stage I had no idea he had any form of mental illness. Me pretending he hadn't mentioned he wanted to celebrate his birthday with me and his friends would have been unusual at best. He is a grown man who on a few occasions mentioned he wanted to celebrate his birthday with me. I sent him the message early afternoon on Saturday and the second one about ten hours later. I find this to be sufficient time for a normal grown man to respond to his girlfriend's text. Again, at this time I did not know he was mentally ill. I thought he was playing dumb. It wouldn't have been the first time he was ignoring my text. I didn't scold him. I simply stated I didn't understand why he was ignoring it. He was not a baby for me not to upset him. I was dealing with an adult who had some form of responsibility in our relationship. This is my opinion.

[dispatch3d]

I appreciate your reply. However, at this stage I had no idea he had any form of mental illness. Me pretending he hadn't mentioned he wanted to celebrate his birthday with me and his friends would have been unusual at best. He is a grown man who on a few occasions mentioned he wanted to celebrate his birthday with me. I sent him the message early afternoon on Saturday and the second one about ten hours later. I find this to be sufficient time for a normal grown man to respond to his girlfriend's text. Again, at this time I did not know he was mentally ill. I thought he was playing dumb. It wouldn't have been the first time he was ignoring my text. I didn't scold him. I simply stated I didn't understand why he was ignoring it. He was not a baby for me not to upset him. I was dealing with an adult who had some form of responsibility in our relationship. This is my opinion.

 

The bolded is determined by him and he wasn't ready to reply, that is what he could do at that point in time. If you had stayed together longer he may be able to control his feelings a bit better and reply faster.

 

The second comment is regarding him ignoring texts infrequently - it was the wrong timing for that conversation. When he is in a low you hit him with more blame...

[elenalaughterlove10]

The bolded is determined by him and he wasn't ready to reply, that is what he could do at that point in time. If you had stayed together longer he may be able to control his feelings a bit better and reply faster.

 

The second comment is regarding him ignoring texts infrequently - it was the wrong timing for that conversation. When he is in a low you hit him with more blame...

 

I am by no means stating that his reaction in this situation was not caused by his bipolar. i said that at this time I had not known about it. I think any girl in my case would have seen it as a red flag and would have been wtf. There was no reason for me to think he was mentally ill. Plus, if you know you have a reason for acting so irrationally, you don't go and attack your partner because she doesn't read minds and she has no idea you are ill. I didn't hit him with blame. I called him out on irresponsible and inconsistent behaviour. Would I have done it the same way had I known he was bipolar? Perhaps not. I understand mental illness is a very personal and difficult thing, but it doesn't give you a free pass to act out on your partner. At this time I did not know anything was wrong with him. Plus once he told me about his illness, he also told me he was taking his meds daily. So either they were not working properly or.... I don't know.

[dispatch3d]

Where is the bipolar talk coming from? I never even mentioned it - I think you doing so is really just stigma around mental illness to be honest. Which is why i said earlier I was surprised he was so open about it.

[elenalaughterlove10]

Where is the bipolar talk coming from? I never even mentioned it - I think you doing so is really just stigma around mental illness to be honest. Which is why i said earlier I was surprised he was so open about it.

 

Do you really think that in an adult relationship a person would be perfectly fine with her/his partner simply ignoring their texts about relevant events they had discussed? They would simply find it acceptable the person keeps on cancelling and they would find the infinite amount of reason in a completely fresh relationship to understand that the person is not responding because well...they don't feel like it even though you had agreed upon things. I don't think an average person would behave like that or think it was tolerable. So i do understand that his condition probably had a lot to with it. I am not stigmatising it. He himself stated his condition as the reason for his behaviour (later on). i had tried numerous times to talk to him, help him, listen to him - every time he would shut me out completely. So I do know I should have ended it sooner.

[dispatch3d]

Do you really think that in an adult relationship a person would be perfectly fine with her/his partner simply ignoring their texts about relevant events they had discussed? They would simply find it acceptable the person keeps on cancelling and they would find the infinite amount of reason in a completely fresh relationship to understand that the person is not responding because well...they don't feel like it even though you had agreed upon things. I don't think an average person would behave like that or think it was tolerable. So i do understand that his condition probably had a lot to with it. I am not stigmatising it. He himself stated his condition as the reason for his behaviour (later on). i had tried numerous times to talk to him, help him, listen to him - every time he would shut me out completely. So I do know I should have ended it sooner.

 

Him cancelling is a reaction to the way you are treating him. The relationship is on the outs at that point, you need to nurture the thing.

 

The second comment is true I guess. He didn't "feel like it" at the time, which seems to be where the misunderstanding is. Feelings change over time, they aren't a constant. He may be waiting out his feelings before he can respond.

 

You have no idea how well his bipolar treatment is or isn't going and whether it has a large or small effect on him - just that he was diagnosed with it (I assume he told you this and this isn't an assumption).

 

Glad you made an effort in response to the last comment.

 

Anyhow if you want to talk over pm we can do that, I will give others a chance to reply in this thread, as I don't want to monopolize the conversation between me and you.

[elenalaughterlove10]

Him cancelling is a reaction to the way you are treating him. The relationship is on the outs at that point, you need to nurture the thing.

 

The second comment is true I guess. He didn't "feel like it" at the time, which seems to be where the misunderstanding is. Feelings change over time, they aren't a constant. He may be waiting out his feelings before he can respond.

 

You have no idea how well his bipolar treatment is or isn't going and whether it has a large or small effect on him - just that he was diagnosed with it (I assume he told you this and this isn't an assumption).

 

Glad you made an effort in response to the last comment.

 

Anyhow if you want to talk over pm we can do that, I will give others a chance to reply in this thread, as I don't want to monopolize the conversation between me and you.

 

I thank you for the attention you have given this conversation and I don't feel there is really anybody else at this point who seems to want to reply, so I will once more reflect on the things you said.

I really truly disagree with his cancellation having anything to do with "how I was treating him", whatever that means. I am not sure if you understand how much space and how many options I had given him regarding, among other things, his birthday. I was constantly walking on eggshells and this is simply not the way normal grown up relationships work.

If you are dating someone and you are not a moody teenager, you do expect them to show responsibility. Ignoring texts and playing dumb about things that had already been discussed and basically agreed upon, is not how two grown up people have relationships. Attacking your partner because they expect you to come through with your promises is simply not acceptable. He was cancelling on me from day one and no, I honestly think it had nothing to do with me. And yes / I do think it had everything to do with his bipolar (yes, he told me he had it, I didn't just assume).

When you are in a relationship, a minimum level of decency has to exist. Shutting out and ignoring the other person because "you can't handle it at the moment" is not okay, especially if you're doing it because you have a mental illness your partner has no idea about. We saw each other so rarely and communicated even less, and he is a smart guy, he must have assumed this was not acceptable.

[ExpatInItaly]

I thank you for the attention you have given this conversation and I don't feel there is really anybody else at this point who seems to want to reply, so I will once more reflect on the things you said.

I replied to you.

 

If you are dating someone and you are not a moody teenager, you do expect them to show responsibility. Ignoring texts and playing dumb about things that had already been discussed and basically agreed upon, is not how two grown up people have relationships. Attacking your partner because they expect you to come through with your promises is simply not acceptable. He was cancelling on me from day one and no, I honestly think it had nothing to do with me. And yes / I do think it had everything to do with his bipolar (yes, he told me he had it, I didn't just assume).

 

I agree that it's not how mature, rational adults generally should conduct themselves. Absolutely not. But expecting stable and respectful behaviour from an unstable and disrespectful person is an exercise in futility. His mindset, beliefs and emotional landscape are too different from yours. That's the cue to walk away. It doesn't matter what is or is not "done" in relationships; what matters is that he doesn't care what you think or how you believe relationships should be conducted. I know it's hard, and I speak from experience having had a relationship with someone who suffers from quite a severe personality disorder, but it's better to just leave.

 

For what it's worth, I don't think the birthday episode is what broke this relationship. There were several other red flags, too. You were never on solid ground with this guy and it wasn't going to last. But, now would be a good time to figure out why you kept hanging on despite seeing some glaring warning signals. Why stick around for a guy who calls you his girlfriend yet won't reveal where he lives? Won't do anything but go for walks with you? Why put up with that level of secrecy and evasiveness?

[olivetree]

I agree with Expat that you'd be best served looking inwards at why you went along with his behaviour.

So many red flags!

 

Not saying that there is something wrong with you, but it's a good opportunity to learn from.

 

I hope you don't put up with being treated so poorly again.

[elenalaughterlove10]

I replied to you.

 

Why stick around for a guy who calls you his girlfriend yet won't reveal where he lives? Won't do anything but go for walks with you? Why put up with that level of secrecy and evasiveness?

 

I completely agree with you. I think it is low self-esteem. I have never been in a normal relationship and I guess I always thought I was the problem. And my partners kept telling me it was. I tried to be sincere here, I didn't embellish my own actions nor did I exaggerate his. Looking back on it I am basically embarrassed of how I allowed him to treat me. The thing is, for the first month I didn't know he had a condition and he was so rational with everyone else, everybody liked him and thought the world of him - so I assumed it was me. I know people act differently in relationships than they do with their friends or colleagues, but I was like - this is extreme behaviour, he is perfectly capable of being responsible and reliable at work and faithful and present with his friends. So I MUST be the problem.... it sounds stupid but this is how I felt.