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Should I cut him off completely? It's hard for me to be rational at the moment

Katie Russell

By Katie Russell
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Katie Russell New Member

Katie Russell

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I lived and worked together with him 2 months. Pretty fast we got really closed to each other and emotionally attached. We acted like a couple but we called each other "more than friends". After first month I found out that he was still texting and flirting with other girls. But we had a talk about it and it seemed like he understood me and started treating us more serious. At some point we both admitted that we see our future together.

 

After these 2 months I had to go back to my country but we both wanted to continue our relationship. Everyday he kept asking me if I could come to visit him and stay with him for a while. Also I wanted him to visit me. Suddenly we started arguing a lot. Long distance didn't work for us. We both got emotional and probably I pressured him too much. While arguing again, he made spontaneous decision that maybe it's better for us to not to see again and just stay friends. Right after that he started using dating app and arranging dates with random girls. Meanwhile he also was texting me and telling me how he needs me and misses me. He told he wants to see me so we could talk about us and see where we are going.

 

I was very confused and heartbroken cause he already was planning to date someone (actually he was texting with friend of my friends that's why I know a lot, he was very excited about dating her even though she's in an open relationship). He didn't know that I knew about him using dating app and asked him if we are exclusive. He didn't want to answer and completely avoided my question. Finally he got pretty mad and angry that I wanted such a commitment from him and told me that we are not in a relationship yet so we can do whatever we want and he's not going to sit on his own till I come to visit him. Again he said that maybe it will be better if we make a break.

 

After a weekend he texted me like nothing's happened between us and called me in an affectionate way. I felt like he treated me like an option and the fact that he chose freedom to date other girls over being with me hit me hard. I told him about my feelings but he acted like he completely didn't understand me, also he said he never used dating site (which was a lie). I decided to no contact him and move on. It's been 2 weeks since we had our last conversation and he's still texting me that he thinks about me everyday and asking if it's already too late for us. Even though I ignore his messages he's still contacting me, commenting my post on facebook etc. I kinda feel like he manipulates me and tests the water. He is still active on dating site.

 

Does this situation look for you like he is a player? I heard that last year after his hard break up with a girl he spent 11 years he became a womanizer and dated many girls at once and didn't want anything serious from them. I didn't want to look back at his past and judge him but I think in this situation his past can tell a lot about what kind of guy he is. Also I noticed that he has a problem with alcohol and might have a covert depression. He opened up to me about his booze problem. Also I thought maybe I put too much pressure on him and he became confused and that's why he got back to his simpler single life. I want to be with him and help him but can I explain his behavior and how he treated me by his mental issues and addiction?

 

(Also, maybe that's important, one time after our big argument we had when we were together he also suddenly started using dating app, but the next day he deleted his account).

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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You need to cut ties with this guy. He is emotionally immature and unavailable.

 

Long distance is difficult enough even when two people are present in their relationship but now you add the above, alcohol issues, depression, dating apps and poor communication -- it's a disaster.

 

Too many red flags for a 2 month stint with this guy. It's not going to get better.

 

You should move on.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Yes, it's time to cut contact altogether. He is not ready to commit. You know this already.

 

But I am curious, how did you wind up living together in under 2 months?

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Katie Russell New Member

Katie Russell

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I was planning to move to his place so long distance wouldn't be a problem. Also he told me he hates alcohol and wants to fight with it but need me and my help. I already started looking for a professional help for him but now I'm confused. He disappointed me completely by using the dating app and choosing to date other girls.. is it a good reason for me to just leave him in need and move on? I'm thinking that maybe a break would be good for us and maybe in a future we could give each other another chance?

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Katie Russell New Member

Katie Russell

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Yes, it's time to cut contact altogether. He is not ready to commit. You know this already.

 

But I am curious, how did you wind up living together in under 2 months?

 

He told me about summer work in the place where he's working, he's got a place to live there and offered me to stay with him. I didn't have other choice.

 

Do you think that maybe we both need a break now and maybe in a few months we could try be together? Or I should cut him off forever? I got a good job offer and was planning to go back there again next year but I would have to live with him again. Does he deserve another chance?

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I was planning to move to his place so long distance wouldn't be a problem. Also he told me he hates alcohol and wants to fight with it but need me and my help. I already started looking for a professional help for him but now I'm confused. He disappointed me completely by using the dating app and choosing to date other girls.. is it a good reason for me to just leave him in need and move on? I'm thinking that maybe a break would be good for us and maybe in a future we could give each other another chance?

 

Look, he's giving you a bunch of words to keep you on the hook. People with alcohol addiction need to find their own self-awareness and come to terms that they need help and seek that help on their own. He's not doing that but making it your responsibility to be a crutch for him. You on the other hand are co-dependent and trying to fix him. If he doesn't have the ability to even take steps to find a professional to help him, then he's not ready to change.

 

You need to move on. And if you find another job in his area again, find your own place to live. There is no reason why you would have a good job offer but still be dependent on him when it comes to your living situation. If you can;t find a place to live there then you shouldn't be taking the job offer. It doesn't make sense that you have a job but can't support yourself by putting a roof over your head. And don't move there because you want to be with him. You need to become independent and live your own life and make decisions that are best for you in the long run -- not because you want to be close to man that isn't invested in you.

 

He is not good for you. You need to cut him out. Plus, where is your self-respect that you keep wanting this man that treats you like an option and has already lied to your face about his online activities. He's already failed at being truthful to you. Do you not think that he could be lying about everything else he is telling you? Don't trust words -- focus on actions.

Edited by Zahara
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Katie Russell New Member

Katie Russell

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He is not good for you. You need to cut him out. Plus, where is your self-respect that you keep wanting this man that treats you like an option and has already lied to your face about his online activities. He's already failed at being truthful to you. Do you not think that he could be lying about everything else he is telling you? Don't trust words -- focus on actions.

 

Thank you for your reply. You are totally right. Also I'm not a trustful person and I don't think I could fully trust him after that.

A while ago I already realized that I didn't mean to him as much as he did to me and I deserve better but my thoughts were all the time centered on him. Now I know I need to heal and move on.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Thank you for your reply. You are totally right. Also I'm not a trustful person and I don't think I could fully trust him after that.

A while ago I already realized that I didn't mean to him as much as he did to me and I deserve better but my thoughts were all the time centered on him. Now I know I need to heal and move on.

 

Good for you. You deserve so much better than this.

 

Trust me when I say that when you meet the right guy, you won't be put in situations that leave you in limbo. A man that is interested in you is going to be available and upfront with you. He's going to show you that he is invested. This guy is definitely not it.

 

And you are right -- you will never be able to not look over shoulder when it comes to trusting him.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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He told me about summer work in the place where he's working, he's got a place to live there and offered me to stay with him. I didn't have other choice.

 

Do you think that maybe we both need a break now and maybe in a few months we could try be together? Or I should cut him off forever? I got a good job offer and was planning to go back there again next year but I would have to live with him again. Does he deserve another chance?

 

Nope, and even more nope.

 

Don't waste your time on him. It won't be worth it.

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Katie Russell New Member

Katie Russell

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Good for you. You deserve so much better than this.

 

Trust me when I say that when you meet the right guy, you won't be put in situations that leave you in limbo. A man that is interested in you is going to be available and upfront with you. He's going to show you that he is invested. This guy is definitely not it.

 

And you are right -- you will never be able to not look over shoulder when it comes to trusting him.

 

Yes that's right but also this kind of limbo I'm in is because I'm trying to understand his position, him being depressed and what he's been going through after his break up. When I met him for the first time (7 months ago) he seemed like he wasn't over his ex. Over the summer when we were together he told me quite a lot about his life and feelings. He admitted that he still thinks about his ex but it's different now and he doesn't want to meet her again and he deleted her on social media and from his life in general. When we were talking about "us" he told me that he fell for me and it's strong and he's surprised because he didn't expect to have such a feeling to anyone now. Most of the time he was lost in thoughts. One time he opened up to me and started talking about his alcohol issues, he almost cried when he told me he lost everything in his life because of booze. Also he told me that now he completely doesn't know what he's doing with his life but he is sure he wants me. And then when I left and went back to my country I became too emotional over some things, also jealous with no reason and definitely it wasn't helpful to him. I was and still am highly embarrassed for my behavior and I regret putting pressure on him. I think that I confused him a lot and because of that I was trying to explain him all the time and I was wondering if we can fix things between us. But it looks like he doesn't understand me and my needs. I told him I got hurt by him using dating app and lying to me but I don't really think he knows he did something wrong. He never even was sorry and he was taking me for granted. And now he wants me back but he is still using dating up.

Edited by Katie Russell
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