Shotclock Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 I originally posted in long distance forum by mistake. My daughter (11) has been going to a female massage therapist for about 3 years and they really get along well and joke with each other. I got The therapists number because she does massages out of her house for people without benefits. So if I ran out of benefits, My daughter could still get a massage but way cheaper. May daughter sent a few messages back and forth to this lady being a dork as well as a couple pictures. About 2 years ago My daughter made Her a canvas painting from the dollar store for The therapists birthday. This lady also got something for my daughter in her birthday (balloons in the room) My daughter loves to do nice things for people she likes( she has asked to get a gift for her teachers as well when end of year comes) so years ago when we found out This lady’s birthday, I put it in my calendar. My girlfriend and I went for a couples massage about 6 months ago where This lady works. Just by chance I got My daughters therapist. Everything was fine. The other day when my girlfriend seen This lady’s birthday in my calendar she was mad. “You know I have trust issues right?” She says. We discussed it, I erased all of this lady’s info because it made my girlfriend uncomfortable. Later when we talked on the phone my girlfriend says The therapist apparently said something to her while we were there. I asked what it was and she bypassed the question and went off in a different tangent. When she brought it up again, I again asked what was said. Still no answer. After I asked the third time My girlfriend said “she said you won’t be back” referring to the fact that it was a first massage date. Plus now she says I was flirting with this massage therapist ( which I absolutely was not) but didn’t say anything until now. Six months later. I had no idea this was supposedly said, it happened back in March and now I’m just hearing about it???? I do not see in any way shape or form how this could be a problem. If This lady’s boss knew she gave massages after hours she might be in trouble. Other than that it’s not like I was sending her messages or buying her things. The only reason we go is because my daughter likes her. I do not go to this lady for my own massages. My girlfriend thinks I have crossed a boundary and my daughter should not see this lady any more because it bothers my girlfriend. She even said “it almost feels like you cheated on me” ( I’m in my mid 40’s and I have never cheated or done anything inappropriate while in any relationship) I feel she is making a massive mountain out of a mole hill and I was just curious for some feedback.
PRW Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 This lady’s birthday in my calendar she was mad. “You know I have trust issues right?” She says. What more needs to be said??? If you are going to continue seeing her then you have to be more careful about doing things that will make her distrust you. Not complicated.
MidwestUSA Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Female here. Yes, I feel she's making a mountain out of a mole hill. It saddens me to read here what people, of either gender, feel threatened by. I guess my husband should be upset by my visits to the dentist, chiropractor, or worse, my gynecologist. Her own insecurity is one thing, but why punish your daughter for it? You backed down by erasing the info, do not give in on your daughter's happiness with this therapist. If it costs you the relationship, so be it. Let me guess, your girlfriend has been cheated on in the past. I'm sorry you're the one paying for it. 1
PRW Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 You backed down by erasing the info Yea. Sometimes the guy makes a better impression by standing his ground and not deleting that. I didn't see that she even specifically asked him to do that. Standing his ground would have shown he had a spine, and guys who have a spine are easier to trust for people with "trust issues".
Author Shotclock Posted October 9, 2018 Author Posted October 9, 2018 Female here. Yes, I feel she's making a mountain out of a mole hill. It saddens me to read here what people, of either gender, feel threatened by. I guess my husband should be upset by my visits to the dentist, chiropractor, or worse, my gynecologist. Her own insecurity is one thing, but why punish your daughter for it? You backed down by erasing the info, do not give in on your daughter's happiness with this therapist. If it costs you the relationship, so be it. Let me guess, your girlfriend has been cheated on in the past. I'm sorry you're the one paying for it. Unfortunately she has been cheated on and abused by her ex husband. I didn’t know about the abuse part until a few months ago. I figured by deleting her personal information it would show her this person is only for my daughter. It seems nothing is good enough unless we never see her again. Even then I have a feeling something else will come up.
lurker74 Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Having gotten out of a similar relationship, here's a couple thoughts. First, don't apologize or change things in response to a gaslighting - it just makes the gaslighting more real. She either needs to accept that there was nothing going on or she needs to move on. Second, you probably should move on. Six months later this comes up means it will come up a year form now and three years from now. Without intensive therapy, your GF is in a mild form of PTSD from which she will not escape and by erasing the date, you have confirmed in her mind that: 1) You were up to no good 2) You like to look around at other women Sadly, you are unlikely to ever get from under that rock. 2
PRW Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Unfortunately she has been cheated on and abused by her ex husband. I didn’t know about the abuse part until a few months ago. I figured by deleting her personal information it would show her this person is only for my daughter. It seems nothing is good enough unless we never see her again. Even then I have a feeling something else will come up. You have to be respectful of her issues, but at the same time you need to stand your ground when you didn't do anything wrong. If you are a push-over, and bend and comply with other people's expectations of you it makes you harder to trust. In other words, she would she you as being a push-over that is easily seduced by the wishes of this female massage therapist.
PRW Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 ... and by erasing the date, you have confirmed in her mind that: 1) You were up to no good 2) You like to look around at other women Very good point. By deleting the contact info, that will be interpreted as an admission of guilt.
MidwestUSA Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Yea. Sometimes the guy makes a better impression by standing his ground and not deleting that. I didn't see that she even specifically asked him to do that. Standing his ground would have shown he had a spine, and guys who have a spine are easier to trust for people with "trust issues". Yep. And had she asked him to delete it, a simple 'no, that's ****ing ridiculous, I'm not going to do it', with a laugh would have been appropriate. This problem is all hers, she needs to own it, get psych help, whatever. And if OP has to explain to his daughter why she can no longer get massages from her favorite therapist, what kind of example does that set? And OP, you're right, something else will come up later. Better try to nip this in the bud now. 1
Author Shotclock Posted October 9, 2018 Author Posted October 9, 2018 Some good points, thank you. I am trying to be respectful for the **** show she was put through and I have convinced her to go to counselling. So hopefully that will help. As for backing down etc, I didn’t see it that way but I certainly can see that I needed to stand my ground sooner. There is a snowballs chance in hell I will make my daughter stop seeing this therapist because my GF has issues.
dispatch3d Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Knowing your therapists birthday or vice versa seems inappropriate just as an FYI, regardless of how she came off with her presentation of the facts/issues. I would be unhappy with her for putting her issues on me and I would have realized my goof about putting her birthday (or vice versa I honestly forget?) around. Sounds like your daughter seeing that therapist is non-negotiable so I would just state that. 1
MidwestUSA Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Knowing your therapists birthday or vice versa seems inappropriate just as an FYI, regardless of how she came off with her presentation of the facts/issues. I would be unhappy with her for putting her issues on me and I would have realized my goof about putting her birthday (or vice versa I honestly forget?) around. Sounds like your daughter seeing that therapist is non-negotiable so I would just state that. She's a massage therapist who his daughter has a friendly relationship with, doing things for each other on birthdays, for three years now. I don't see the harm in helping his daughter remember. Not all eleven year olds are yet capable of keeping a calendar on an iPhone and organizing such things. She wants to do something nice for her teachers as well. Should dad not help her with that? Sounds like he's raising a considerate young lady. Kudos to him.
dispatch3d Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 Ah didn't realize its for the kid, not the best reason to get mad at you then. I agree with et al, she needs to handle her own issues.
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