UnsureInLove Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Hi All, I recently found out my boyfriend of nearly 4 years kissed another girl!! It all started a few months ago when I saw on his phone that he had snapped this girl about meeting up, but I could tell by the messages that nothing had happened at that time. We had a fight and he told me there was nothing between them. He was meant to delete her on snapchat and we had moved on from it. Fast forward to two weeks ago and I see her in his recent people on snapchat again and I questioned him and he denied snapping her, that only she was snapping him. I then found a receipt in his pocket for drinks in a club and he denied being out. So I asked to see his google maps and it showed him as being out, and he still denied it, saying he was in the B&B all night (he works away for work). I was unable to sleep so I found said girl on Facebook and she confirmed that they had kissed on the night that he was apparently in the B&B. He has been working in close proximity to her for the last year, but she herself admits that she hadn't seen him since Aug 2017 which is when they first saw each other. She claims they slept together then, something he denies down to the ground no matter how much I try to get it out of him. I told him I would actually get over this quicker if he admitted to sleeping with her (as then I would know he was telling the truth), and he still said he did not. But from seeing their conversation I am inclined to believe him as any time she asked was he going to visit her he made up an excuse not too. He has told me he will do anything to make it work (including packing in his job and moving home so he is home every night), he completely regrets kissing this girl and that he does not know what came over him. I am not a trusting person in the first place, and now with this revelation I don't know what to do. Has anyone here been in this situation before? Either as the cheater or the cheated? Any advice? Can relationships move forward from this? I can't ask friends/family as I don't want them to think bad of myself (for staying with him) or him for cheating, so I am turning to you strangers of the internet!
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Has anyone here been in this situation before? Either as the cheater or the cheated? Any advice? Can relationships move forward from this? I have, as the betrayed party. In my case, it spelled the end of the relationship. The reason was that it wasn't only a random kiss on a drunken night out with a stranger in a pub, for example, but the symptom of a much bigger disconnect between my ex and I. He had been checking out of the relationship, and at the same time, getting closer and closer to a particular colleague. For one to be able to do that, in my opinion, one has to be pretty emotionally detached from their primary partner and not very interested in the relationship any longer. It was time for us both to move on, as I knew I would never look at him the same way. And I knew that he didn't really want to be there anymore. We tried for a couple months after I first suspected something was wrong (I didn't know the extent of it yet) but there was too much tension and a feeling that we had met the end of our chapter together. Whether or not you and your boyfriend can move past this is up to you. I think you're going to find it very difficult to ever trust him again, given that he seems to be have been lying to you and actively pursuing this girl for some time. The level of respect he's displayed toward you is very, very low.
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Read this. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-45793242 ...and set yourself free.
PegNosePete Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 it wasn't only a random kiss on a drunken night out with a stranger in a pub, for example, but the symptom of a much bigger disconnect Exactly... same applies here. OP, this guy did not kiss a random girl her met one day. He went behind your back and was snapping another girl about meeting up. STRIKE 1. Then you found him and busted him. He told you a load of meaningless words about how he would delete her but he didn't, they kept on communicating behind your back. STRIKE 2. You busted him still talking to her, and he lied to your face about it. STRIKE 3. He has shown that he has no problem lying right to your face. You found a drinks receipt and he lied about it. STRIKE 4. Again he proved that he has no issues lying right to your face. You checked his google maps and he lied about that too! STRIKE 5. Again more lies. This guy is a compulsive liar. You have to wonder if anything he says is true at this point? So now you find out he kissed her and she says she slept with him, although he says he didn't. And you believe him? After he has lied over and over and over again right to your face? This guy must think you have "MUG" written on your forehead or something! Wake up OP. He is a liar and a cheater and a douchebag. You should tell him that you never want to see his lying cheating face again.
kendahke Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 I am not a trusting person in the first place, and now with this revelation I don't know what to do. This is what liars and false dissemblers do: they make you question and distrust everything. Gaslighting you like it's nothing to him... If this guy was taking a blow torch to you, what would you do (instinctively)? Let him scorch you a good fashion or run as fast as you can away from him? Why are you feelings and esteem not worth this level of saving?
Noproblem Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 The fact that he wanted to meet another girl on a date should have been your clue to leave him. Please don't be that kind of girl who stays with a cheater, it's no fun, plus your guy is even not that apologetic about it, so he'll probably do it again or have done it again! Just leave him!
dispatch3d Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 I wouldn't be able to handle the dishonesty that he's showing at all. Would be a deal breaker for me.
Logo Posted October 11, 2018 Posted October 11, 2018 He's lying with a straight face, pretending everything's ok. For cheaters, lying is part and parcel of the cheating process. No trust, no respect. You're better off leaving him. He's not worth it. And it seems that this is an ongoing thing.
Dis Posted October 11, 2018 Posted October 11, 2018 I've been cheated on many times, although I never stayed once I found out Dating is a trial period to see if that person is right for you and shares the same values (e.g-loyalty) as you do. If they don't, you move on despite how much it hurts to cut the cord. Cheaters will rarely tell the truth. Getting the truth from a cheater is like going to a drug dealer for an honest transaction. So do yourself a favor and stop asking him. You have your answer from the girl on snap. That's the best you're going to get. The best I got was walking in on an ex with another girl and trust me, you don't want that. If you do move forward with him, he may cheat again. But even if he doesn't, the important thing is, the trust is gone. Without trust, there can be no relationship. You'll be looking over your shoulder, going through his phone, questioning him. And all while you're torturing yourself with all that jazz, you could be with someone new who didn't cheat on you and doesn't make you question their loyalty. With the 2 ex's that cheated on me, I have one regret....not leaving sooner
RedHead5 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 Personally, cheating and dishonesty are deal breakers for me. I have never been able to recover a relationship from when cheating was involved. Cheating to me is anything your partner would not do in front of you or feels the need to delete. So this can vary widely depending on the couple. He was communicating regularly with this girl, on Snapchat. I'm old so actually, the only people that ever message me on SC are married men. Go figure. Also, if he really felt bad and was avoiding her, he would have deleted/ blocked her as soon as it came up. He told you he was going to and DIDNT do it. You contact her. She says they slept together. Why would she lie to you? She has no motivation to lie but he sure does. Her only motivation may be to make you break up so she can steal your cheating man. Sounds like karma at work if so. I wouldn't get hung up on whether he slept with her when talking to him though. If he tries to argue that point, I would just dismiss it. He cheated, plain and simple, regardless of whether we take sex into account. He betrayed your trust mulyiple times and did things behind your back that you were not okay with. Period. If you stay, you are accepting the behavior and he will likely repeat it because he knows you will stay. Don't settle. If you consider yourself to be honest, find you an honest man. When those core values don't line up you are setting yourself up for alot of stress and emotional damage. 1
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 Please kick this turd to the curb....he's a lying cheating turd.
elaine567 Posted October 12, 2018 Posted October 12, 2018 I then found a receipt in his pocket for drinks in a club and he denied being out. So I asked to see his google maps and it showed him as being out, and he still denied it, saying he was in the B&B all night (he works away for work). This is called "gaslighting" - Google it
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