lavenderandvelvet Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Long story but here goes. TLDR: I have been friendly with a guy for a few months. He doesn’t make a move but he is really touchy-feely and proactive about keeping in touch. This weekend he was a blocker for me at a singles event with super intimate body language. A few months ago I met a guy at a party. He was cute. We lived a few blocks apart. We exchanged numbers. He reached out the next day to hang out, but invited a friend. We went out 1:1 and he didn’t make a move. At some point he even invited me and the friend from the first outing to be wing people on his dates. I decided he just wanted to be friends. He didn’t ask me out. He told me about other women he was into. He was always a little but more affectionate than typical friendships I have had. He seems to love putting his arms around people and he’s a flirt. Also loves to jump in my personal slace. But he knows what to do if he wants to make a move. And he didn’t. So friends. Clear as mud. I’ll put this out there - we get along well, but I hadn’t quite decided if I wanted more. Fun but immature. So I am on the fence. Not a no, but not a yes. I wouldn’t say I have a crush on this guy. But I wouldn’t be repulsed if he made a move. Anyway, he was dating a few people over the last few months. He is currently single. We hang out every few weeks and talk about life/relationships/etc. I am not doing a great job at proactively reaching out to him, but he checks in at least every other week. We’d go out ocassionally for dinner or drinks or a chat. Sometimes in a group. Mostly 1:1. So this weekend it got weird. We were invited to the same party, so we decided to ride together in an Uber. Turned out the party was a singles event. We make a pact to be wingpeople if needed. So we get to the party, and I promptly ditch him after an acceptable few minutes to mingle. But every time I walked by, he decided it was a good time to give me a hug, put his arms around me and or other touchy-feely thing. Or stand behind me to whisper something. Basically overly intimate things to do for a singles event. Other women were asking me what his deal, was like I was the gatekeeper. So I want yourinput. Does this seem overly intimate to you? Why do you think he is so touchy? What am I missing? What is with these mixed signals?
kendahke Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 the party was a singles event. We make a pact to be wingpeople if needed. So we get to the party, and I promptly ditch him after an acceptable few minutes to mingle. But every time I walked by, he decided it was a good time to give me a hug, put his arms around me and or other touchy-feely thing. Or stand behind me to whisper something. Basically overly intimate things to do for a singles event. Other women were asking me what his deal, was like I was the gatekeeper. So I want yourinput. Does this seem overly intimate to you? Why do you think he is so touchy? What am I missing? What is with these mixed signals? On the one hand, you two did agree to be each other's wingman--but did you agree on the signal to back off? Because he got one set of instructions and didn't get that being able to read the nuance of a situation is required. So the mixed signals charge could also be laid at your feet, too. I think that due to how he behaved at this singles event you two attended, it's beyond time for you to ask him what his intentions are as far as you are concerned. If all this is is you and him being buddies who meet up from time to time to dish and then go on your merry way, then you need to get clear to him that you don't need him c-blocking for you unless you give him the signal that you need rescuing from someone. It may be that he just doesn't know when to back off and it could be that he really does like you more than he's letting on and is too afraid to be direct with you about it... not an attractive quality, but there it is...
PRW Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 (edited) TLDR: I have been friendly with a guy for a few months. He doesn’t make a move but he is really touchy-feely and proactive about keeping in touch. This weekend he was a blocker for me at a singles event with super intimate body language. This isn't rocket science. It's easy to figure out. You could have just wrote the part by itself that I quoted and saved a lot of time. He wants you,...period. The part that confuses you is that he handles things like a woman rather than a man. He is a typical low-confidence guy that just doesn't know what he is doing. How does a woman deal with getting a guys attention that she likes but he hasn't asked her out yet? Well, women give little hot/cold physical interactions. They do that because they don't want to appear needy but still get the point across, then they may communicate with verbal hints without being real blatant,...for the same reasons. But now you have a guy that is approaching the chick he is interested in by using the same feminine methods,...and it doesn't work. It doesn't work because, what will actually work is a man being masculine and going directly for what he wants. So you have to decide if you want to play "teacher" and teach him how to handle this as a man,...or just leave him in the friendzone and don't go with him to places where he can be a "blocker" when you try to meet other guys. Now with that said, if you meet a good masculine man that knows what he is doing, then this guy's "blocking" just won't work because the masculine guy will see right through it and internally laugh to himself, he won't consider the guy any real competition, and will go for what he wants. So maybe in that sense this guy will only "block" other guys that are just like he is,...maybe doing you a favor. So only the more solid masculine guys will break through, which is good. You choice. Hope this helps clarify things. Edited October 9, 2018 by PRW
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted October 10, 2018 Author Posted October 10, 2018 Hmm. I think both of you are right, and helped clarify why I am unsure about this guy. We didn’t put any rules on the winging, but I guess I generally approach it as grease the convo as needed. That’s generally what I do in social interactions. No clue if his behavior blocked anyone, I did exchange info with one person. No one was jumping out at ne anyway. But I don’t think his behavior helped his cause much. I gave him plenty of space. He sent a group text to hang out this week because he wants a bunch of wheels for a date. No clue why. Me plus 3 other people he wants to tag along to bar trivia. Anyway I think he has no clue what he wants and I like decisive people. I don’t like to be the aggressor in relationships since it doesn’t setup the dynamic I want. He is best suited as a friend for that reason. He also seems a but immmature in some ways which isn’t appealing. But we have great conversations which is why I haven’t written him off. But I need to tell him to pump the brakes on the affection/personal space stuff.
PRW Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 dynamic I want. He is best suited as a friend for that reason. He also seems a but immmature in some ways which isn’t appealing. But we have great conversations which is why I haven’t written him off. But I need to tell him to pump the brakes on the affection/personal space stuff. Agreed. Guys like him aren't "evil", they just don't have the knowledge, confidence, and social skills to get themselves into the kind of romantic relationship that they seek. I feel an odd combination of empathy and frustration when I deal with guys like that. I typically recommend a book like Corey Wayne's "How to be a 3% Man",...but this guy was not the one to write in to us. So I can't do anything with him. But maybe if you could check out that material enough to know what it is about and then recommend it to him, go for it. Just tell him it will help him "meet chicks" or something simple like that.
dispatch3d Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 Not really mixed signals seems like he likes you. Don't tell him to read about corey wayne or another dating guru that will probably not go well. Too bad you have that appraisal of him, I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted October 11, 2018 Author Posted October 11, 2018 Not really mixed signals seems like he likes you. Don't tell him to read about corey wayne or another dating guru that will probably not go well. Too bad you have that appraisal of him, I guess it wasn't meant to be. It’s on him. He has my number. He knows my dating situation. And he tells me he is into Suzy, Jenny and Katy. He says he sees me as a friend. If he wants to make a move he can, but that’s on him. Gonna take him for his word and set some boundaries. 1
ChatroomHero Posted October 11, 2018 Posted October 11, 2018 It’s on him. He has my number. He knows my dating situation. And he tells me he is into Suzy, Jenny and Katy. He says he sees me as a friend. If he wants to make a move he can, but that’s on him. Gonna take him for his word and set some boundaries. Before you even consider why he is not making a move, it is only fair to be honest and determine if you are even interested since you sound like you are definitely on the fence. As far as him mentioning other people he is interested in, if a woman did that, it's the kiss of death...she is usually telling you she knows you are single and she really needs a date but you are not on her list. When a guy says it, I think sometimes it is more to let you know he is in play and get some kind of reaction. The fact that he says he wants to be friends though, probably means he wants to just be friends. Setting boundaries is fair and if your interest is low, a friendship can work. If you determine you really are interested it probably won't work.
smackie9 Posted October 11, 2018 Posted October 11, 2018 It’s on him. He has my number. He knows my dating situation. And he tells me he is into Suzy, Jenny and Katy. He says he sees me as a friend. If he wants to make a move he can, but that’s on him. Gonna take him for his word and set some boundaries. Good for you! You don't need this guy playing games with you...IMO he's being a jerk. Maybe it's his way of boosting his ego, or he thinks it's funny to play around. He needs to grow up. You are making the right decision to tell him to quit it.
lurker74 Posted October 11, 2018 Posted October 11, 2018 Total guess here, but I think he's gay. I normally don't throw that out there like that but let's say he's closeted. Now go back and read his behavior. Touchy feely but doesn't make a move. Always wants others there on a date. Goes to singles events but keeps you around. It fits. But it really doesn't matter; clarify stuff or move on. Or clarify stuff AND move on. There's no reason not to just ask what he wants.
Author lavenderandvelvet Posted October 12, 2018 Author Posted October 12, 2018 Before you even consider why he is not making a move, it is only fair to be honest and determine if you are even interested since you sound like you are definitely on the fence. As far as him mentioning other people he is interested in, if a woman did that, it's the kiss of death...she is usually telling you she knows you are single and she really needs a date but you are not on her list. When a guy says it, I think sometimes it is more to let you know he is in play and get some kind of reaction. The fact that he says he wants to be friends though, probably means he wants to just be friends. Setting boundaries is fair and if your interest is low, a friendship can work. If you determine you really are interested it probably won't work. Without rehashing a couple of months worth of stuff. Let’s say when I met him he came on super strong wanting to hang out (e.g. multiple outings and invites per week). He started “dating” someone and the invites slowed a little. I thought things had solidified into solidly friendly. The last time we went out 1:1 before this event it was definitely friendly. And no touchy-feeliness beyond hugs for greeeting and good byes. And the typical light physical,contact that comes from people who talk with their hands. Basically the typical behavior that I have experienced with friends. So this outing’s behavior was surprising. I do want to be friends. I think he is funny and we have good conversations. Perfectly solid foundation for a friendship. But it doesn’t workmif there are some unclear intentions. I don’t enjoy that kind of grey. I also do not know him well enough to know if that is his normal. Or mybe he is one of those guys who hoards potential crushes as friends till he can shake the tree. Good for you! You don't need this guy playing games with you...IMO he's being a jerk. Maybe it's his way of boosting his ego, or he thinks it's funny to play around. He needs to grow up. You are making the right decision to tell him to quit it. Who knows, it could be a protective mesure. Not playing his cards. But we are too old for this behavior.
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