Mr Zed Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Ok, REALLY needin some advice here on what i want to do about mine and my girls relationship, i'll give the full story so prepare for a read. About 2 years ago i met a wonderful down to earth, happy girl, we got to know each other used to hang out, but nothin ever happened, i thought she was too young for me (she was 17 and i was 23 at the time). After a while it got to the point where she was desperatly trying to get things on between us (shes not the kinda girl that would have any problem gettin anyone she wanted btw) but i still thought she was too young, a bit immature and that it wouldnt work. So over time i turned what was hangin out a lot into never hangin out at all. Anyway, a year ago we happened to bump into each other, had a chat and exchanged numbers and started talkng again as friends...hung out a couple of times, and eventually she asked me out on a date. She was much more mature, level headed and seeing as she had told me that the past year she had been lookin for someone that made her feel how i did when we used to hang about, i accepted. She was a much better person, and quite frankly i was shocked that she was still carrying the candle even though we had originally only hung out a couple of weeks. So we have a few dates and its amazing, like when we used to hang out but better, and eventually started to see each other officially near the end of October last year. Everything was great, bliss infact, I fell deeply in love with her and her the same with me, I couldnt of been happier. That was until April this year. I felt like she started to take me for granted, always asking for things, favours and money, and the sex just died overnight (it used to be fantastic) I had a few work problems which meant we couldnt go out as often as we did and do some of the things we used to, but it wasnt a long term problem and would be sorted out fairly soon. After about 2 weeks or so she sed she wanted to start gettin out a bit with a couple of her mates to the gym and things to pass the boredom while I was sortin out my work issues, i agreed as I thouht it was a good idea. She gets friendly with this chap and starts to see him a lot, nothing happened between them, but it concerned me enough to tell her not to see him anymore, which she ignored, had a big row about it, i was told that he is better for her...and we split, she immediatley starts to date him and Im a mess. A week later its all falling apart for her, and I get the "i want you back!" story, so I decide to give it another go, work things are pretty much sorted. From that point on things have been a nightmare and not got much better, the constant bickering for items, money and favours continued, despite numerous discussions, all physical contact dissapeared apart from the odd kiss and hand holding in public, if i ever asked for anything it was always too much trouble, even a bday present was too much trouble. Sex was a case of foreplay for her then i would be pushed off 90% of the time, again despite discussions about it it didnt improve, and in the end it all came to a head last week...and yet again we split, this time her choice after a big row over a tiny thing that I lied about that wasnt really important, even though i tried to be honest at first I recieved an ultimatum, so proceeeded and lied, when i could have really done with some support. Now shes doin the "I want you back, i Love you!!" thing again and i dont want THIS her back, i want the OLD her back. She works in a classy hair salon as a stylist, and Im sure that is part of the problem as her co workers there are of the "selfish, possesionist, bitchy, lazy" variety and I believe its rubbing off on her Ive told her its just friends until she has sorted out these issues, but Im not sure if I should hang about and see what develops, Im wondering if theres someway or something I can do to wake her up and get the old her back, because I miss it and I believe that the REAL her is the person I could spend the rest of my life with. Any ideas or suggestions? Thanks for reading Dan
bluechocolate Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 I'm wondering if theres someway or something I can do to wake her up and get the old her back, because I miss it and I believe that the REAL her is the person I could spend the rest of my life with. Which is the old her? The 17 year old? The 18 year old? Did you stop to consider that maybe this is the REAL her you're dealing with now? She's two years older & hopefully two years wiser. Ive told her its just friends until she has sorted out these issues, but I'm not sure if I should hang about and see what develops. No you shouldn't hang about, now is not the time for friendship with this girl. She was only 17 when you first met, 19 now - you're 25. I honestly think you've given this enough effort. Do you want to be here when you're 27? ...and yet again we split She's not ready to settle down & chances are when she is it isn't going to be with you. Any ideas or suggestions? Call it quits before you rip each other apart - short term pain for long term gain - that's my suggestion.
Candy Cane Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Well Dan, sounds like a mess. Personally, I always think that pre-marital sex is a bad idea all around. You're going to run into problems acting like man and wife but yet lacking the commitment that it takes to make a relationship work. Trust me, I've been down this road a few more times than I care to admit. ALWAYS a bad call. If she wants you back, tell her to take a few months to think it over and if she's still wanting to make things work and if she's committed to making things work, then you two can start dating again. But...I wouldn't go rushing into the sex thing (for reasons stated above). That is really something that should be shared only as man and wife. An emotional bond needs to first be formed and a commitment established. You need to know that you can trust someone not to go breaking your heart. As far as she is concerned, she needs to learn to respect the relationship. In order to do that, you need to establish boundaries and work on that emotional commitment described above. Just what I think. Good luck!
Author Mr Zed Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 the old her is the 17 & 18 year old, except she matured a bit over that time. yeah I did consider this the the real her, but this is such a drastic change over a short period of time, which is why i think that its not just something to do with getting older and findin yourself. Plus the fact shes very impressionable, which leads me to believe that theres an further infulence thats causing most of it Also shes said a few times over the past few months that she really doesnt like the current her and wants to change but doesnt know how, and even got pretty upset about it too. Its not just me that shes like this, its everyone, all noticed a very sudden change, even her family get the same kind of treatment No i dont wanna be here when Im 27 which is the whole reason ive said and sticking to the friends thing....but Id like to think that things can improve somewhat, I dont wanna loose her as a friend too, but to be honest, her attitude towards everything stinks enough that I dont even want that, and niether do a lot of other people.
Author Mr Zed Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 Candy Cane - I dont share the same view as u on pre-marital sex, but, we did spend a lot of time getting to know each other first before we had any kind of sexual activity at all, if I remember rightly it was well over a month before our first time, and about 3 weeks after that before we did again...i like to take that part of the relationship steady. As per the respect thing, i think thats exaclty what has happened, she hasnt only lost respect for me and ther relationship, but respect for anything and anyone period...which is also exaclty what these co-workers of hers are like, ZERO respect for anyone and anything. Could it be by some small chance that they ARE the reason for most of this change of person?
Candy Cane Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Could it be by some small chance that they ARE the reason for most of this change of person? What are you going to do if they are? It's really neither here nor there. You can't make her quit her job. All you can do is make sure she respects the relationship. If you don't think sex has anything to do with it, then you need to ask how you are going to get her to respect the relationship. I mean, you guys aren't married, right? Does she really owe you anything at all?
Author Mr Zed Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 well actually, she did hand in her notice and she finishes there in 2 weeks, she doesnt like the people there or the environment, maybe a start? I didnt say sex has nothing to do with lack of respect, just pointing out that it wasnt an important part of things for quite sometime in No we are not married, and i guess she doesnt owe me anything. I might add too that these problems only really started a short time after she started that place of work and they started to reveal thier true colours.
Candy Cane Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Sure. Maybe that's a start. Maybe things will get back to normal. You can always hope! People are unpredictable and, a lot of times, untrustworthy. Bare that in mind and guard your heart well.
Author Mr Zed Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 yup, maybe, well for now, im gunna leave her too it and give it some space i think, maybe get in touch in a few weeks and see if shes any different.
Candy Cane Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Well, let me know how things go. I'd really like to know how this all works out for you. Good luck!
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 To me it sounds like she is high maintenance and has issues. Backing off sounds good.
Author Mr Zed Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 she is high maintenance at the moment yeah, but she never was till recently. Candy - i'll keep folks posted
Author Mr Zed Posted September 11, 2005 Author Posted September 11, 2005 Ok folks bit of an update here, lemme know what you all think. I had to leave for Germany on friday night for some business, I let her know in the morning via sms I was goin to be away for a about a week or so, and that we could both think in the time we were apart. Anyway, friday afternoon i get a reply sms saying could we hang out that evening for a bit if she wasnt goin to see me for a while, I didnt want to agree at first but I thought what the hell, lets leave her with a good night to remember while im gone I picked her up from work, she was late finishing and I was sat in the carpark for nearly an hour waiting (they sometimes do that to her and make her work over!) I was a bit annoyed about it, but when she got in the car she had a little present for me that she had picked up earlier in the day, only some chocolates, but it was nice So we head out to a place where we have some mutual friends that hang out on a Friday night, and well, we had a really good night, it reminded me a lot of the old times, we had some messing about, laughs, and even some play fighting in the car which involved ice cream lol. She kept coming for cuddles and hugs, and told me a few times that she really loved me and would miss me while I was away, again, nice One thing that bugged me was that near the end of the night, she went WELL out of the way to have a talk on the phone to one of her friends, a pal of mine noticed it also, but I put it down to just having a woman talk about things or something like that. Well end of the night came and I dropped her at home, did the usual things you do when someone is leaving for a while, had a hug, small kiss (nothing pasionate, more like a 'mother kiss'), got an i love you and she went. Yesterday didnt speak to her at all, she sent me an sms asking how Germany was, i didnt reply, also a call 4 hours later, again i didnt answer or reply. This morning I load up MSN to talk to some colleges and shes online, she starts the conversation asking how I am and shes in a bit of a mess, saying shes fed up with how things are because of work mainly and shes sick of being horrible to people. About 30 mins later a mutual friend comes online and we get talking, shes was saying to him also on MSN that shes sorry for being horrible to him just latley and that shes fed up with things and work. He asks her what she feels for me, if she loves me and is missing me and things like that, she replies yes to both, he then asks what does she want to happen when i get back, she replies, to be happy with him again like we used to be! (he gave me the rundown of the convo after). After a while she goes offline, i didnt talk to her that much, dont want to push anything right now, just want her to think. About 3 hours after I get an sms asking how I was, and that she is out with a guy that she knows (i know him a little) and that they are off to the place that we regularly visit, then saying that she doesnt want to go in work etc. Now if im reading all this right, shes seriously thinking about the issues at hand that we have, and coming to the conclusion that its not a good place where she is right now...with regard to the guy she is off out with, am i right to assume theres not really anything to worry about there? Ive met him once or twice, they are off to somewhere where people know us both, and hell im 1500 miles away heheh.
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