Gretchen12 Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 Here's what you do: casually quiz her on things about you. One time a guy complained to me that I never asked questions about him. So I told him to quiz me. He was shocked at how much I knew. I knew things he didn't even tell me. Then I quized him about me. And he knew very little. He forgot things he had asked me about previously, and which I had answered at the time.
Author Swan89 Posted October 8, 2018 Author Posted October 8, 2018 I'm sorry, but this is an incredibly juvenile way to deal with relationship issues. This conversation/observation should've happened in person, in the moment it's happening, not over text at some random time. Of course, she was defensive, how in the hell did you expect anything good to come from that? Texting important conversations is the height of cowardice, and demonstrates a lack of personal responsibility. Having difficult face-to-face conversations is a skill, but with practice gets easier. I hope you learn from this so next time you will show a fortitude that matches your age. She would have been defensive even in person anyway, so why make a big deal out of it? Tell you what, I'll bring it up again in person.
Saracena Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 (edited) I know a grown woman with two children who is like this. Hopefully this 23 year old is young enough to change her ways, but I'd be willing to bet she's even this way with her girlfriends. I tend to agree. I believe it IS a personality trait, this self-absorption. I know quite a few older women like this who are very self-obsessed in varying degrees. I can sense with one, when in conversation she's literally waiting for me to finish something I'm telling her (even if important) so she can say/tell me something herself. She lives alone so not a lot of contact with others. The other spends a lt of time thinking/worrying about her own problems and is at times, completely oblivious to others. Edited October 8, 2018 by Saracena typo 1
SunnyWeather Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 (edited) She would have been defensive even in person anyway, so why make a big deal out of it? Tell you what, I'll bring it up again in person. Well, wouldn't that have been an insightful observation if done in person for you to decide if you two are compatible or relationship material? It could've been a healthy, teachable moment point for where the relationship might've moved forward. The 'big deal' I pointed out is the incredibly immature way you handled the situation. The 'tell you what' part in this post feels hostile and defensive... There might have been some potential there, her behavior could've been due to a variety of reasons, your perception possibly being slight off, just one, but after the way you handled it, meh, prob not. It's already looking like a bad fit, at best, a toxic relationship, at worst. good luck Edited October 8, 2018 by SunnyWeather 2
ChatroomHero Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 She would have been defensive even in person anyway, so why make a big deal out of it? Tell you what, I'll bring it up again in person. Why beat a dead horse? You already told her. She will think you are harping on her about what she probably sees as a non-issue. The key is if she engages when you talk about something she finds interesting. I play baseball and find about 1/2 the women I date are disinterested and the other 1/2 are interested enough to talk about it, all ages of women. The ones that are not interested may ask if I had a game and did I win or lose and nothing else. If I talk about it, it's not a long discussion with them. If I talk about getting a new dog, they will ask me a million questions about that. She is young, probably a bit selfish and not just totally devoted to you and interested in everything you do. I would not make much out of it if she shows interest in other ways and doesn't ghost you or leave you hanging a lot, or if you tell her you're allergic to seafood and she keeps suggesting seafood restaurants or something like that.
TheFinalWord Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 It's because you're a grown man and she's still basically a child. 23 is really young. I wouldn't take her that seriously or get that emotionally invested. 1
Chilli Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 What did she say and respond when you asked her about it ? lf you haven't do that first of all because there could be a few reasons and she probably doesn't even realize it.Some people aren't very self aware.
guest569 Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 She would have been defensive even in person anyway, so why make a big deal out of it? Tell you what, I'll bring it up again in person. You seem to ignore my posts but I strongly advise against texting such issues. And do not bring it up again in person. The point is that you don't text this sort of stuff. It can be misinterpreted and is frankly gutless. Things hurt more in text. 1
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 She probably doesn't even realize it.Some people aren't very self aware. Agree. She has poor social skills. I once went out with a guy who told me that he used to be painfully shy, he would hardly talk to anyone. But, he has worked on his confidence and now he talks all the time... And he proceeded to talk my ear off, about himself, all night long. No self awareness. Very. Poor. Social. Skills.
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 She would have been defensive even in person anyway, so why make a big deal out of it? Tell you what, I'll bring it up again in person. Don't. It will just make an awkward situation, more awkward. You've said what you wanted to say. Let her reflect on it and see how she responds. Next time, don't send information like this by text. It's increadibly juvenile and very conflict avoidant. If you can't say something like this to her in person without her getting defensive, you both have to work on your communication skills - what is your relationship going to be like if you communicate the hard stuff by text. Seriously. 1
guest569 Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Don't. It will just make an awkward situation, more awkward. You've said what you wanted to say. Let her reflect on it and see how she responds. Next time, don't send information like this by text. It's increadibly juvenile and very conflict avoidant. If you can't say something like this to her in person without her getting defensive, you both have to work on your communication skills - what is your relationship going to be like if you communicate the hard stuff by text. Seriously. I am waiting for the next update where he has raised it again in person and she ran out in tears. Maybe he doesn't want to make it a big deal, but telling your partner 'hey you are flawed' is a big deal. I think casually mentioning it would have come across as much less a big deal than putting it in writing. 1
Rocker71 Posted October 9, 2018 Posted October 9, 2018 Maybe she's going out with you because it's better than sitting at home watching the four walls with a TV dinner. And she doesn't give 2 hoots about you. After all for women, it's a boost to their image to be seen out with a guy. It looks like she's desired by someone and fulfills her need for attention.
Author Swan89 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Posted March 30, 2019 Hi everyone. 6 month update. She finally went cold on me and didn't tell me she wanted out until I called her up after a few days silence and she dumped me over the phone saying she needs to be alone to work on her issues and depression and lack of direction in her life, apparently. but I don't believe her. The reality could be it's something else or even someone else. In fairness it was not easy due to the hour distance between us and only being able to meet once a week, twice on the odd occasion. So here I am, heartbroken, after ignoring all the red flags, (and more that have happened after this thread started) investing my time, car petrol, money and love into building what I thought might be a future with her. I should have gone my gut instincts from the start but I was lonely and she was just my type.
basil67 Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 I'm sorry it worked out this way. And in the words of The Whitlams,
Author Swan89 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Posted March 30, 2019 Thanks. I guess I always kind of knew she wasn't really and truly the right girl. She could never express herself and there was just a lack of connection. As much as we love someone, it doesn't always mean it's right. 1
TheFinalWord Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 If you're 29, you need to date someone around 27 or so, for something serious. I say that since you're talking about building for the future. I tried dating in that younger age range and women that age are just immature. You might be able to find the outlier that defies the norm, but generally speaking you need someone that wants the same future you do. Girls that age are at their hottest and they monkey branch left and right trying to find the best option that their looks can obtain. The fact she can't even call you to tell you she's breaking up, shows she's immature and lacks respect. Must go no contact. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 Sorry it worked out like this but i truly think it's a valuable lesson that will lead you to the right (and much better!) person for you. It probably won't feel like that for a while. But next time strive to make sure the relationship is balanced. In the world self-absorbtion is a common affliction but there are people out there who aren't self-absorbed. I think if you get into something like that again realize it's a pattern and a dynamic you are committing to and if it doesn't change at the beginning it will likely get worse not better and more entrenched. Where a person who just leans on you and continually seems to take or the balance is in their favor will actually be shocked and surprised if you try to correct the balance since it has gone on so long in the pattern that is in their favor. I think if you allow it to continue for such a long time you will hurt your self-esteem or blame yourself when the relationship fails (like "why couldn't I have done more"). Good luck--there is definitely much better out there for you 1
Author Swan89 Posted March 30, 2019 Author Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) I'm now starting to think that the distance, in combination with her inability to communicate her needs and thoughts is honestly what's ultimately made her feel the need to leave. I frequently asked her to tell me if there was anything about the relationship she wasn't happy with so we could resolve any issues, my gut feeling that she always held back. She always insisted that I've never given her anything to complain about, but I call bs. She suddenly tells me she's not ready for a relationship out of the blue, and coldly abandons me. I tried to tell her that there was a lack of communication and that I was willing to work on it and be in touch more often but she still insisted that " that's not the issue", she's "just not ready for a relationship right now". She's probably met another guy closer to home who's more available. Lets face it: It's bs. You don't leave somebody because you "need to work on your issues" unless you've got your eye on another option. The frustrating thing is, how was I ever supposed to know how happy she was with us without her ever communicating? I think next time, I will be setting ground rules and looking for a good communicator as well as finding that chemistry. My problem has always been that I get enamoured with a girl's beauty, but I ignore red flags and incompatibilities out of desperation to have a hot girlfriend. I don't know how to be stronger and overcome this problem I have. Edited March 30, 2019 by Swan89
basil67 Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 In all fairness, 'need to work on issues' or 'not ready for a relationship' are just throwaway breakup lines. Much the same as 'it's not you, it's me'. It doesn't mean she has another option - it just means that she no longer wants to be with you. Looking for someone who is a good communicator is part of 'Choosing a Partner 101' No matter how pretty or handsome a person is, if they can't communicate, it's going to be a poor outcome. I'm glad you're upping your expectations to include this. 1
preraph Posted March 30, 2019 Posted March 30, 2019 She just sounded very socially backward. I mean, most people know you're supposed to listen as well as talk, and some are better at it than others, and some have to work at it, but she either had bad social manners or she truly was just not caring enough or maybe smart enough to ask questions. Anyway, at least you had a girlfriend for awhile. If you got one, you can get another. 1
bathtub-row Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 Your biggest red flags were her never asking about you, and her age. However, most people just instinctively ask questions about the life of someone they’re dating. Several people told you that was a serious character flaw, although that in it self had nothing to do with her age. Her age was an issue, though, even if she were a normal person. If you were say 40 and she was 34, that would’ve been different. But a person in their early 20’s is still too immature to be with someone in their late 20’s. Sorry you’re hurting. Next time, I hope you won’t ignore such obvious red flags. 2
OatsAndHall Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 This isn't a trait that's reserved for younger men and women. I dated a woman in her mid forties who talked about herself incessantly and never asked me about myself. I wouldn't go so far to call it a personality flaw or make assumptions about her intentions towards you. I would simply say that she's not socially mature or aware. I've run across many people who don't know how to hold a conversation without bringing the conversation right back to themselves. But it is disconcerting when you're dating someone and would just like them to ask how your day went.. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 31, 2019 Posted March 31, 2019 I'd say there are people who always talk about themselves and rarely ask questions and are quite self-absorbed, think very highly about themselves or that everything revolves around them--who tend to be socially unaware and sucky conversationalists really. There are also people who easily give, give give and are always asking questions of others (usually attract the type above into their lives). And then there are people who are super literal and socially awkward and unaware in a different way. They kind of want to tell you their stuff and they see you contributing to basically "their" conversation or story as an intrusion or interruption. Such as if you were to say, "that happened to me too" or even ask a question to expand on the story by way of whatever he/she answers. No fun these people but I'm sure they are convinced that they ask questions about the other person because they do but they fail on allowing a connection or chance to bond because they see it more like i tell my stuff then you tell your stuff. They are also usually the type to "keep score". I think in good relationships, friendships you just have to keep in mind that at some points in time much more will be going on for one person than the other. And then there are good conversationalists, which are kind of in shocking short supply but hopefully you run into one of those. In romantic relationships i actually think you can get more of a balance because what happens to YOU IS about them in that you are such a big part of their life that they take it on. So yeah in the future i would say it's a big red flag
Author Swan89 Posted March 31, 2019 Author Posted March 31, 2019 (edited) I forgot to mention how this breakup came about. I'll admit I could have handled the situation better, but my opinion is that a strong couple could overcome it. A couple of weeks ago she was cranky and snappy at me because of her birth control pill and she pointed it out, apologising that it was affecting her mentally. The week after, she went to a friend of a friend's funeral (they weren't close) and she called me 4 times in the space of an hour or two that afternoon. Now I was busy at uni doing work and I missed her calls. When I had a chance, I called her a couple of hours later, I called her back twice but she didn't pick up. Late that night she texted me that it was okay and that she just wanted to chat and when I notice the text in the morning I replied that I was worried at first. So then that evening after uni I called her to ask how she is and how it went. Her tone was very passive-aggressive and short with me when I asked her about how she was and what was wrong. I tried to get it out of her, but she was rather stubborn ( she's told me she has a stubborn side before!) I got the feeling that she didn't want to talk to me and I didn't like how she was talking to me so I told her I'd let her have a bit of room and for her to call me when she felt better (in a non aggressive manner) I was stressed and swamped enough in my uni work at the time so I wasn't in a place to think clearly. A few days passed and I called her up as I didn't hear from her. That's when she gave me the "I can't be in a relationship right now, I need to deal with my issues on my own." and all these things about not liking her body etc, even though I then told her I found her gorgeous. I told her that I realise that we had a lapse in communication and I apologised for the misunderstanding, I didn't know what she was going through and that I now understood that she must have felt I wasn't there for her. None of it did any good even though I told her I was willing to work on our relationship and that I loved her. She even didn't blame me at all for it, and that it was all her. I never thought we'd break up but this girl never once complained about anything in our relationship. I do my best to be a good boyfriend and I believe in talking to resolve misunderstandings or issues in need of fixing. We all make a mistake here and there. I've learned a lot about communication from this relationship! Edited March 31, 2019 by Swan89
bathtub-row Posted April 1, 2019 Posted April 1, 2019 She sounds very childish and needy to me. You can never win with people like that.
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