Swan89 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 I've been seeing a girl for a month and although she is affectionate, kind and always keen to see me, she has never really asked me questions or tried to get to know me. It seems all she ever talks about is herself and her job. I don't expect to be interrogated but this is bothering me now. I mentioned what I got up to on the weekend and she didn't ask anything about what happened, she was just sort of saying "Yeah? Oh right!" and she just changed the subject back onto her after that. I'm so confused. Is this a case of a girl dating a guy JUST for the sake of having someone in their life? It makes me feel like she's not truly interested in me and is going along with it. Should I bring this up to her? I'm scared that if I do, I could upset her and ruin things.
Author Swan89 Posted October 7, 2018 Author Posted October 7, 2018 (edited) How old are the two of you? I'm 29 she's 23. Edited October 7, 2018 by Swan89
MidwestUSA Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 I'm 29 she's 23 and sociable. I could have guessed she was young. I'm afraid this is just the life stage she's at, where everything is about her. I wouldn't be afraid of ruining things by bringing it up, it's highly unlikely she'll change in the near future. In the early stages of a relationship, she should be all about getting to know you better. Only you can decide if it's worth it. What are her good qualities?
Author Swan89 Posted October 7, 2018 Author Posted October 7, 2018 Carhill, you really think so? Midwest, She seems like a good girl and we have similar values and interests, she's generally quite considerate, non-materialistic and otherwise seems like girlfriend material. I don't know whether this is just a lack of experience on her part but showing interest in someone's life seems to be a no-brainer to me. I guess not to her.
Author Swan89 Posted October 7, 2018 Author Posted October 7, 2018 you are her friend and that is all Alphamale... I've been sleeping with her, so I don't think so.
guest569 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 Could be selfishness, lack of interest or poor social skills. She might not be aware of it and could change. 2
basil67 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 She's got poor social skills. It's only been a month and a half - time to ditch her and move on. Don't settle for someone who's not interested in you. 1
Author Swan89 Posted October 7, 2018 Author Posted October 7, 2018 She's got poor social skills. It's only been a month and a half - time to ditch her and move on. Don't settle for someone who's not interested in you. So which one is it? Poor social skills or lack of interest? I don't understand the lack of interest idea because she likes spending time with me and cuddling. I do quite like her, she has a good heart. So I may just try asking her. It'll be awkward though.
guest569 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 So which one is it? Poor social skills or lack of interest? I don't understand the lack of interest idea because she likes spending time with me and cuddling. I do quite like her, she has a good heart. So I may just try asking her. It'll be awkward though. My ex was super sweet and interest in me and would ask me questions. But I found that he would often, when I'm telling a story, he would just say "oh." or silence. Or change the topic to talk about himself. I pointed it out each time he did it. And he then was more aware of it and changed. So it can help to approach it that way, in the moment. This was probably a few months in I guess.. So it wasn't awkward to raise.
carhill Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 Carhill, you really think so? No doubt. There's a difference between liking the energy and liking the person. Took getting married to figure that one out. Slow learner. You'll do better. It's more common with 'high maintenance' women but can strike across a broad sector of personalities. Generally, if one always gets validated and loved without any effort, little is learned about loving, rather solely the gathering of love. It becomes an ingrained personality characteristic. If she's young, better chance for change but not if she's swarmed with attention. If that's the case fuggetaboutit.
Author Swan89 Posted October 7, 2018 Author Posted October 7, 2018 No doubt. There's a difference between liking the energy and liking the person. Took getting married to figure that one out. Slow learner. You'll do better. It's more common with 'high maintenance' women but can strike across a broad sector of personalities. Generally, if one always gets validated and loved without any effort, little is learned about loving, rather solely the gathering of love. It becomes an ingrained personality characteristic. If she's young, better chance for change but not if she's swarmed with attention. If that's the case fuggetaboutit. Well ****. Should i text her briefly about this? I feel like If I bring it up in person it could ruin the vibe of the evening, so If it does ruin the whole thing, she'll have the chance to end things then and there or cancel on me without me potentially wasting my time by travelling to see her.
Zapbasket Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 Huge red flag. So what if it's because she's immature and will become more considerate in time? First of all, some people never grow out of their childish relational habits, and second, you're with her NOW and she's completely self-absorbed NOW. She should WANT to know about you. She should WANT to ask you questions about your day, your past, your friends and family and how you feel and what you think and what your dreams are. Anything less than that from both parties in a relationship is NO kind of relationship. She's enjoying your attention. She may be "interested" in you, but so far it's only because you're nice / attentive / good in bed / listen to her. Lots of young women fall "in love" with a guy who gives her care and attention. The question is not, "Can she change?", but rather, "Is this good enough for YOU, at YOUR stage of life and maturity level?" Next time you talk, tell her, "I notice you never ask me anything about me. Why is that?" Her response should tell you a lot. 3
MidwestUSA Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 Well ****. Should i text her briefly about this? I feel like If I bring it up in person it could ruin the vibe of the evening, so If it does ruin the whole thing, she'll have the chance to end things then and there or cancel on me without me potentially wasting my time by travelling to see her. If you feel a break up is going to devestate her, don't text her about it. This isn't something you can simply ask someone to do. It's a character flaw, and she's probably not aware of it. All is well as far as she's concerned. How much travel are we talking? If you feel she has good qualities, see her one more time. Bring the topic up, observe her closely, and make your decision. Good luck.
mortensorchid Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 I used to be like this, I only used to talk about myself to others. It was pretty much because I seemed to have trouble getting others to talk to me at some point - so I offered information about myself to try to get them to talk about things. Unfortunately I stuck to that until I was chewed out by two former friends who crucified me in a very traumatic experience - part of it was one of them telling me I only talk about myself. I changed since then and made a point to always ask people questions and to talk about themselves to me, offer very little information about me, and they will leave satisfied and I will remain the mystery to them. But I digress … She sounds like she has never been stung by others or been told what's wrong with her before. As to how to handle it? Have a discussion at some point - tell him that you feel at times as if she is talking about herself quite a bit and you would like to get a word in edgewise or you would like to do something that YOU want to do rather than just what she wants to do. Things like that. If she won't bend, she won't bend and that's your luck. 1
guest569 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 This isn't something you can simply ask someone to do. It's a character flaw, and she's probably not aware of it. I disagree with it being a character flaw, I think next time she does this (in the moment) tell her 'I noticed that you don't ask me any questions about myself or my life, is there anything you want to know about me or any questions you want to ask' maybe? That is, IF you believe that things can improve and you want to pursue this relationship further. If it is a dealbreaker to you, then get out and don't bother trying. But I do think that people can change. If she is otherwise a nice person as you mentioned, it is more likely to do with her social skills, which is something that can definitely be changed. Me at 23, I had no idea how to socialise. But the goal isn't really to change her, it is to state her behaviour and how it makes you feel I guess. I really don't think you should just randomly text her about it.
alphamale Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 Alphamale... I've been sleeping with her, so I don't think so. ok, so you're FWB with her
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 I think she's probably just like this with everyone. It's who she is. 1
Author Swan89 Posted October 8, 2018 Author Posted October 8, 2018 Well I told her by text so it wouldn't potentially ruin our date tomorrow. She was at first a bit defensive saying she thought she did ask me questions. Obviously not enough or no probing for more information on any given subject. She was a little upset because she said she does care but it was unintentional and glad I was honest. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 Well I told her by text so it wouldn't potentially ruin our date tomorrow. She was at first a bit defensive saying she thought she did ask me questions. Obviously not enough or no probing for more information on any given subject. She was a little upset because she said she does care but it was unintentional and glad I was honest. I think you've just done her a favor. This won't be the last time in her life she hears this. 1
stillafool Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 I think her being 23 she is at a different stage in life than you and is probably bored by what you are saying therefore isn't interested. You are almost 30 and probably need to date someone closer to your age.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 I think her being 23 she is at a different stage in life than you and is probably bored by what you are saying therefore isn't interested. You are almost 30 and probably need to date someone closer to your age. I know a grown woman with two children who is like this. Hopefully this 23 year old is young enough to change her ways, but I'd be willing to bet she's even this way with her girlfriends. 1
SunnyWeather Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 Well I told her by text so it wouldn't potentially ruin our date tomorrow. She was at first a bit defensive saying she thought she did ask me questions. Obviously not enough or no probing for more information on any given subject. She was a little upset because she said she does care but it was unintentional and glad I was honest. I'm sorry, but this is an incredibly juvenile way to deal with relationship issues. This conversation/observation should've happened in person, in the moment it's happening, not over text at some random time. Of course, she was defensive, how in the hell did you expect anything good to come from that? Texting important conversations is the height of cowardice, and demonstrates a lack of personal responsibility. Having difficult face-to-face conversations is a skill, but with practice gets easier. I hope you learn from this so next time you will show a fortitude that matches your age. 2
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