Why hasn’t he contacted me after 3 great dates? Am I being ghosted?

[linym]

About a month ago I met a guy online, turns out we both work at the same place (big hospital). We went on 3 good dates, in my opinion, over the course of a month. During this month he texted me every single day and during the day, the few exceptions being when he was travellling for work and hanging out with his brother. He did not try and kiss me on any of these dates.

 

After dates 1 and 2 he texted me within 20 mins to make sure I got home. Date 3 I drove him home, and I was going to make a move when I realized he wasn’t going to, but by the time I had decided, it was too late and it would’ve been awkward had I tried. During this date he was flirty and touchy. when we were walking around “I don’t have a jacket, but if I did I would give it to you.”

 

The next few days we were still in contact, and he was traveling and working overnight during the weekend. The dates were all on weekdays because he was working overnight shifts on the weekends. It has now been a week and a few days since the 3rd date, and his contact has dropped off significantly. Over the weekend he texted me, and then Monday morning at 8 am he did asking how my weekend was. During the week his texts were sporadic, and seemed less of substance than before.

 

Previously he was messaging me daily and during the evening, if free. I messaged him something silly almost 3 days ago (something about a food dish) and have yet to hear from him at all. Now I’m not sure... it seems like I’m being ghosted. Yes, he was traveling for work and interviewing for jobs and also working 24 hour shifts. Note, we both work ~80 hours a week and frequently work 24 hour shifts.

 

He could be really busy, or he could just not be interested. I am also wondering if he thinks maybe I am not interested because I wasn’t that touchy or didn’t initiate a kiss? I don’t like hugs and being touched that much, so a lot of the time my hugs are awkward and I limit physical contact. Should I just message him on Monday asking how is weekend was and go from there?

 

Also, I do realize how silly I am acting basing this all off texting patterns. He initiated dates 1 and 3, and Came off as a very nice, shy guy. Which is why I wasn’t worried about no attempt at a kiss.

Edited October 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheFinalWord]

You might be being ghosted, but what happens a lot of times when a dating relationship goes from 0 to 60 in like a month, one person might freak out. Like wait I'm all of a sudden in a relationship and they back off. Your best move, and I know it's hard, is to absolutely NOT keep pushing. Doing so will make him back off even more. You have to let him initiate for the time being. And if he's not kissing you by date three, you might want to try something next time. Even if it's just holding hands or what have you.

 

I do agree, you can tell something is off by texting patterns. If you've been texting non-stop and it suddenly stops, there's usually a reason.

Edited October 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[guest569]

Ha, I feel like there are some parallels to my experience.. 3 dates then he dropped, no attempts to go in for a kiss.

 

I would probably hang in there a little longer given the 80 hour work weeks and long shifts. I think I would do the above suggestion too and just wait it out, not keep pushing. I'm curious to know who tended to initiate the last few texting exchanges? With your previous 'silly' message was there anything for him to respond to? Was he very textual before?

[linym]

Ha, I feel like there are some parallels to my experience.. 3 dates then he dropped, no attempts to go in for a kiss.

 

I would probably hang in there a little longer given the 80 hour work weeks and long shifts. I think I would do the above suggestion too and just wait it out, not keep pushing. I'm curious to know who tended to initiate the last few texting exchanges? With your previous 'silly' message was there anything for him to respond to? Was he very textual before?

He was very textual before. And the few days after the third date too, yes. Then over the weekend he was working and I heard from him once. Then Monday morning 8 am he asked me how my weekend was. After that it was me initiating all texts. The last one was something silly about it being taco day, nothing really worth responding. Ugh. It’s just really irritating, especially since he is the one who initiated the last date and seemed really into it.

[smackie9]

I am also wondering if he thinks maybe I am not interested because I wasn’t that touchy or didn’t initiate a kiss? I don’t like hugs and being touched that much, so a lot of the time my hugs are awkward and I limit physical contact. Should I just message him on Monday asking how is weekend was and go from there? Also, I do realize how silly I am acting basing this all off texting patterns. He initiated dates 1 and 3, and Came off as a very nice, shy guy. Which is why I wasn’t worried about no attempt at a kiss.

The majority of people see this as disinterest. This is a deal breaker for some. Men like sexy, passionate women that touch and flirt to build up that sexual tension...makes sex more exciting.

 

 

 

If this after 3 dates drop off is a reoccurring event....then this is probably why.

Edited October 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[linym]

The majority of people see this as disinterest. This is a deal breaker for some. Men like sexy, passionate women that touch and flirt to build up that sexual tension...makes sex more exciting.

 

 

 

If this after 3 dates drop off is a reoccurring event....then this is probably why.

 

Do you think there’s any way I could salvage this? Or should I just call it quits?

[newyorker11356]

The majority of people see this as disinterest. This is a deal breaker for some. Men like sexy, passionate women that touch and flirt to build up that sexual tension...makes sex more exciting.

 

 

 

If this after 3 dates drop off is a reoccurring event....then this is probably why.

 

Eh, physical touch just may not be her love language, though.

 

It isn't for some guys either.

[linym]

So he reached out to me this morning saying his week and weekend were very hectic he was out of town etc. asking me how everything was on my end.

[Dis]

Lukewarm at this point, very luke

 

No one is too busy to send a text. He waited 4 days to text you and ignored your text 3 days ago after previously texting quite a bit and 3 dates later = not interested but keeping you on the back burner as an option

 

As smackie mentioned, a lot of guys will take no touching or hugging as no interest so be prepared for an uphill battle with that

[guest569]

As smackie mentioned, a lot of guys will take no touching or hugging as no interest so be prepared for an uphill battle with that

 

Well she did hug him. He has made no attempt at kissing and touching

[kendahke]

Who planned dates 1 and 2? Him only or you only or him one, you one? My answer will depend upon your response to these questions.

 

From what else you've written, it just sounds like he lost interest and is moving on. No, he probably won't tell you that specifically, but his behavior is saying this clearly.

[NuevoYorko]

It's very easy to keep moving on in the world of online dating. I imagine he's continued to meet more new people and perhaps has found more chemistry elsewhere. Don't feel too bad, I think it just comes with the territory and people who online date need to get accustomed to it.

[linym]

Who planned dates 1 and 2? Him only or you only or him one, you one? My answer will depend upon your response to these questions.

 

From what else you've written, it just sounds like he lost interest and is moving on. No, he probably won't tell you that specifically, but his behavior is saying this clearly.

 

He planned dates 1 and 3, I planned the second. He has continued to message me. Honestly, I don't know. He very well could have lost interest and is just being polite. He could have very well been busy. I've worked the similar shifts he has, and when you're working 24 hours shifts and you literally don't have a minute to eat or even use the bathroom, it's hard to think of anything else. Who knows. *shrug*

 

Also, I'm just not an affectionate person. I grew up in a family that was the same, so physical affection was not something I commonly saw. It's honestly a strange concept to me. I am affectionate with my friends and family, but even then I don't like hugs. That's just who I am.

[PRW]

During this month he texted me every single day and during the day, the few exceptions being when he was travellling for work and hanging out with his brother.

 

That is way way way too much texting and interaction to be happening so soon,...and a classic mistake that guys make. That cannot be maintained, and when it tapers off (and it will, and it did) the woman starts freaking out and thinking something is wrong (which you did somewhat),...when the truth is that it just simply settled down to a more normal rate of contact that it should have been in the first place.

 

He did not try and kiss me on any of these dates. After dates 1 and 2 he texted me within 20 mins to make sure I got home. Date 3 I drove him home, and I was going to make a move when I realized he wasn’t going to, but by the time I had decided, it was too late and it would’ve been awkward had I tried. During this date he was flirty and touchy. when we were walking around “I don’t have a jacket, but if I did I would give it to you.”

He is into you but either:

 

1. Lacks confidence ...or...

2. Is timid sexually ...or...

3. Is afraid of being the next #metoo "accusee"

 

It has now been a week and a few days since the 3rd date, and his contact has dropped off significantly. Over the weekend he texted me, and then Monday morning at 8 am he did asking how my weekend was. During the week his texts were sporadic, and seemed less of substance than before. Previously he was messaging me daily and during the evening, if free. I messaged him something silly almost 3 days ago (something about a food dish) and have yet to hear from him at all.

His messaging has hit a NORMAL rate. It just doesn't seem like that because he started a very bad pattern of over contacting you to start with,...which makes the normal seem abnormal. The only thing I see wrong is that he is being gutless about making another date. That could be #1 or #2 I mentioned above. He just dances around it with the "how was you day" nonsense. It is almost like his is waiting for you to make the move and make the date for him.

 

Until people reach Exclusivity, which on average is about 7-8 weeks, the guy should only reach out to you about 1 or 2 times a week, and when he does that he is supposed to make the next date. The phone is for setting dates,...not to visit, or "get to know someone".

 

Now I’m not sure... it seems like I’m being ghosted.

No way. No way at all. Ghosting is when the other person refuses to respond at all to any kind of contact from you.

 

I am also wondering if he thinks maybe I am not interested because I wasn’t that touchy or didn’t initiate a kiss?

If he lacks confidence (#1 above) he would very likely think that. But a confident man would not even be worrying about it and would be fine.

 

I don’t like hugs and being touched that much, so a lot of the time my hugs are awkward and I limit physical contact.

You need to get over that. You will sabotage any relationship with that behavor. Men look for body language "Ques" to make their decisions and you are not giving him anything to work with.

 

Should I just message him on Monday asking how is weekend was and go from there?

I got a better idea. Be a bit "tongue in cheek", stick a few smiley faces on the end of it,...but say,..."Well, are you going to make the next date or are we going to have to wait till I get more wrinkles?" :D:D Then when you get to the end of the date, look at him with a mischievous little smile, say,..."Are you going to kiss me or just sit there and stare at me?"

 

One way to snap a guy out of his gutlessness and timidity is to just flat out "call them on it" (with a little humor). You don't have to use my exact verbiage, but I think you get the point.

[stillafool]

If you don't like being hugged and touched what do you need a boyfriend for? They love to hug, kiss and touch everywhere.

[newyorker11356]

They love to hug, kiss and touch everywhere.

 

Unless physical touch isn't really their love language.

[smackie9]

Eh, physical touch just may not be her love language, though.

 

It isn't for some guys either.

But it is for the majority, so she and others like her are limiting themselves finding a partner.

[stillafool]

Unless physical touch isn't really their love language.

 

Perhaps so but good luck finding a man like that. Unless you're like that and maybe you and OP can...

Edited October 10, 2018 by stillafool

[smackie9]

Do you think there’s any way I could salvage this? Or should I just call it quits?

I think he's already made up his mind.

 

 

To be sexual through body language and messaging, being flirty, etc can't be learned over night. This is something you will have to work on. Go on youtube and see if there are some videos to help you. Then go out and practice.

[coolheadal]

He planned dates 1 and 3, I planned the second. He has continued to message me. Honestly, I don't know. He very well could have lost interest and is just being polite. He could have very well been busy. I've worked the similar shifts he has, and when you're working 24 hours shifts and you literally don't have a minute to eat or even use the bathroom, it's hard to think of anything else. Who knows. *shrug*

 

Also, I'm just not an affectionate person. I grew up in a family that was the same, so physical affection was not something I commonly saw. It's honestly a strange concept to me. I am affectionate with my friends and family, but even then I don't like hugs. That's just who I am.

 

Sounds like to me he has lost interest in you because what happen on the 3rd date. Plus both of you are working so hard, yet neither one of you really have time to date each other.

 

See you just stated your not an affectionate person, plus you didn't grow-up in a loving affectionate family. So that's why you are like you are. Looks like he has grown-up in an affectionate family thus he's very affectionate. He's friend-zone you not ghosted you because he still has contacted you.

 

Oh your affectionate with friends but that's not the same as a bf your dating. You have problem there my dear. You can't change who you are. You need to be with a guy who has the same personality traits as you do. Your friend there might felt like you didn't care to kiss him or hug What ever you didn't do has caused the sudden change in his behavior.

 

Did you ever tell him you had grown up without affection from your family and thus you really don't hug and kiss so much.

 

See I've been out with women like you and I give it my best shot and thus come up empty. They smile but they don't react. I guess like you he felt cold and lost the interest. He might have started to look for someone else. Just have to call him and talk to him about it. Otherwise you'll got crazy wondering..

[newyorker11356]

Perhaps so but good luck finding a man like that. Unless you're like that and maybe you and OP can...

 

LOL, no. Physical touch (and quality of time) are my main love languages.

[linym]

So update - he messaged me today saying sorry for the delay. I don’t want to lead you on or waste your time, but I’m pursuing a relationship with someone else. I’m happy to be friends but just want to be upfront.

 

That was much appreciated on my end. It’s nice to get a why from people instead of being ghosted.

[stillafool]

I agree. He sounds like a nice guy and respectful.

[newyorker11356]

So update - he messaged me today saying sorry for the delay. I don’t want to lead you on or waste your time, but I’m pursuing a relationship with someone else. I’m happy to be friends but just want to be upfront.

 

That was much appreciated on my end. It’s nice to get a why from people instead of being ghosted.

 

Yup, assuming what he said is the truth, at least he was straight up and honest with you.

[Dis]

So update - he messaged me today saying sorry for the delay. I don’t want to lead you on or waste your time, but I’m pursuing a relationship with someone else. I’m happy to be friends but just want to be upfront.

 

That was much appreciated on my end. It’s nice to get a why from people instead of being ghosted.

 

I'm glad you got an answer, OP

 

Many people don't

 

Plenty of fish in the sea. Keep your chin up