1st date ideas to prevent friendzone

[Dis]

max I'm so sorry the date went the way it did

 

I could tell you really wanted it to go well and really tried. I can feel from your post how badly you feel

 

Maybe it's time to explore why you're so nervous around your dates. That way you can address the problem and try to solve it before you go on another date.

 

Your dates are just people too, just like you. They're not super heroes, they're people. No better and no less than you.

 

As CO mentioned, is alcohol an absolute no for you? A drink, even really helps to calm the nerves. I always got to my dates a little early to have a drink It helped! Of course you wouldn't want to slug more than 3 drinks down but one would work wonders

 

Confidence is super important in the dating world. This one guy I went on a date with about 2 years ago literally told me he had no confidence and once he said that, my attraction for him was gone. If he had just faked it maybe, faked some confidence, I actually think it could've gone somewhere. Fake it till you make it! Stop analyzing everything, stop trying to be perfect. Just be yourself and fake that confidence until you have some

 

Again, I'm so sorry things went so poorly. You sound like a you have a good heart and I know that once you learn how to be yourself without being afraid, you'll find the right person for you

 

Keep your chin up!

[Dis]

This is chick-logic 101.

 

Chicks are who you're trying to get with so maybe a start would be to stop bashing us

 

Despite OPs dating flops, I'd rather date him than someone like you who views women in such a yucky way

 

You seem to have a really poor attitude like you're not having any luck dating or have been hurt and haven't gotten over it

 

Lashing out won't help

Edited October 8, 2018 by Disillusionment373

[Dis]

OP, other posters are right, you need to be in the moment on your dates. Stop analyzing what you're doing or what she's doing. Just listen to what she says and respond accordingly. That's it. You'll relax that way, it's only one thing to do. I think most people that had your thought process during a date would get overwhelmed and make a bad impression too.

 

Secondly, I personally don't think you should reach out to her. It's dead obvi that she wasn't into it. All you need is another blow to the ego when she rejects you doesn't respond.

 

This was just one date, one. Plenty of fish in the sea.

[Garcon1986]

If you truly need to think about dating as a list of things, then we can help you deconstruct it into small manageable goals. That seems to work for super logical people like myself. Just let us know how you wanna approach your next date. Just please please approach it differently than this time around. For you, I would propose just asking any random woman on the street some stuff about themselves and striking up a conversation. Make your goal not to gain anything from her other than the knowledge she might provide. Make that your small achievable goal so that you can feel better about dating. Again you can't ask yourself to play the masterpiece piano concerto before you even got your nervousness down.

[Larry56]

Chicks are who you're trying to get with so maybe a start would be to stop bashing us

 

Despite OPs dating flops, I'd rather date him than someone like you who views women in such a yucky way

 

You seem to have a really poor attitude like you're not having any luck dating or have been hurt and haven't gotten over it

 

Lashing out won't help

 

I actually have a girlfriend and a side-girlfriend who know about each other. So I'm totally fine thanks. Yes it's true I have had alot of failures in dating but It took 2 years of hardcore dating to get my mind right on this subject. You know thing in your brain that notices patterns. Yeah, I use that.

 

You're telling him to have confidence by faking it. I'm telling him confidence comes from having little successes/failures along the way. Guess which one is actually going to work and help in the future?

 

Mine.

[alphamale]

How do I tell her that without sounding weak like I'm apologizing for how I acted? "Great meeting you. As you could tell I was a bit nervous, but am happy to get the awkward first meeting out of the way" or something like that?

 

no just say it wasn't your finest moment cause you were a bit nervous. That's all you have to say.

[Dis]

I actually have a girlfriend and a side-girlfriend who know about each other. So I'm totally fine thanks. Yes it's true I have had alot of failures in dating but It took 2 years of hardcore dating to get my mind right on this subject. You know thing in your brain that notices patterns. Yeah, I use that.

 

You're telling him to have confidence by faking it. I'm telling him confidence comes from having little successes/failures along the way. Guess which one is actually going to work and help in the future?

 

Mine.

 

You're very boastful. Almost like you need to give yourself an ego boost to make yourself sound more important than you are or more of a "playboy" than you are. I've found people who do that are secretly insecure and/or not truthful about the things they brag about. Either way, I won't highjack OP's thread any further. I hope he takes the sound advice that was given to him, not the supposed "playboy" mansion advice

[Larry56]

You're very boastful. Almost like you need to give yourself an ego boost to make yourself sound more important than you are or more of a "playboy" than you are. I've found people who do that are secretly insecure and/or not truthful about the things they brag about. Either way, I won't highjack OP's thread any further. I hope he takes the sound advice that was given to him, not the supposed "playboy" mansion advice

 

I'm not really boastful. I don't have an ego about it at all. I'm an average guy dating two average women with good personalities. Being a playboy doesn't make a guy happy but it's the solution to some guys issues because it allows him to create options where being a nervous wreck and chasing the "soul-mate myth" causes him heaps of problems like the one the OP is dealing with.

 

Alot of guys have guilt in them towards dating multiple women because they've been groomed by their mothers to always treat women with respect...and we see exactly how it causes men to have failure with women over and over again. You're telling him to date in a serial-monogamous way. I'm telling him to date in a polygamous way because it takes the pressure off having failures when you're committed to one date/woman after another.

[SouthernIslander]

no just say it wasn't your finest moment cause you were a bit nervous. That's all you have to say.

 

 

OP - This is good. I would say something along the lines of this.

[SouthernIslander]

If I went out on a date with a guy who considered himself to be a, "playboy" (whether he actually said he thought he was or just acted like it) I'd crack up , absolutely unable to take him seriously. That would be the first and last date

 

There's masculinity done right, and there's phony, trying too hard, "playboy" masculinity that's sure to turn a woman off in the worst way

 

 

Those are generally good for a laugh over drinks during girls night. LOL!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Your dates are just people too, just like you. They're not super heroes, they're people. No better and no less than you.

 

 

This is really good advice. OP, these women are no better than you. They poop and their breath stinks in the morning, too!

 

I always enjoyed first dates as a way to simply get to know a new person. No expectations, just a social/anthropological experiment in a way. People are fascinating. Everyone has a story and I really enjoy getting to know people's stories. I look at job interviews the same way....seeing if the company is as a good a fit for ME as I might be for THEM.

 

Stop looking at dating so much as an audition and more like just trying to see if you and this person might gel. Try to shift your mindset from trying to impress them/be good enough for them, and more toward "is this a good fit?" And be Ok with the fact that MOST dates won't be the perfect fit.

 

But that's no reason to give up.

[SouthernIslander]

I've never even mentioned game. I've never even mentioned game once in my threads. All I said was that I was a playboy. You have no idea about who I am or what I do or say to women. I don't even have a pickup line. I just chat to women about ordinary things...I just learnt by watching cues and seeing how they respond to me when texting/talking.

 

When did I EVER say the man has to have a competitive advantage over a woman?

 

All I said was that he had to present himself in the best way possible and yes all those things do matter. You're saying he needs to 'be himself'.

Yeah and he's a nervous wreck around women he really likes. Should he still be himself? Do you think he's going to do better by going into a situation where he's nervous all the time. No he's not, obviously.

 

What I'm suggesting is he dates down or just side-ways so at least he can find out who is and who isn't initially attracted to him. Because the reality of the situation is that women who don't like the guy or seem a bit neutral/coy are usually women who make it difficult to be courted but the difference is they don't actually stop the guy from courting outright. They usually let it keep going...why? Because they love the attention. That's what is confusing to guys. You seem to think that men should just *know*. But they don't. I'm trying tell him what to do and you're saying "Just be yourself, it'll all work out blah blah". Well he is being himself and it's not helping him with these beautiful women.

 

So instead of focusing all his energy on chasing these beautiful women, he should look around and see who is actually gonna give him legitimate attention instead of focusing all his energy onto one beautiful woman who may or may not end up breaking his heart again. He needs to find out where he stands in all of this but he keeps trying to bring down the biggest buffalo in the hunting grounds. Instead, he should focus on bringing down smaller ones first so he gets experience to then take on a bigger one.

 

 

Between your posts and threads....the whole faux playboy act is pretty obvious.

 

 

 

But, I don't think OP is going in this direction (thankfully), so I don't want to derail his thread by entertaining this "advice".

[Versacehottie]

Yes, I know exactly what's making me nervous and it's how important it is to me to find someone. Just finding someone with the basic demographic profile I want is tough, but someone attractive with similar interests that's single and willing to talk to me is near impossible.

It's also something I don't do very often and thinking about an attractive woman or being on date with her triggers emotions I'm not used to feeling and I just want to avoid messing it up. I think it like the performance anxiety musicians get. In the back of my mind I was thinking "good posture", "try to find excuses to touch her", "and a million other things on a mental checklist and instead I turned brain dead and became a nervous wreck.

 

Finding more activities makes sense. I just need to figure out what else to do.

 

Ok shoot sorry your date didn't goes as well as you would have liked Max.

 

A couple of things. Don't get so down on yourself. Even people with a ton of confidence and good on dates don't always match up with a person who is interested in them & vice versa. It just happens--to everyone.

 

Of course, you want to stack the deck in your favor to get the best results so rather than beat yourself up, learn from it and make little improvements. little improvements will add up until you are significantly improved/better. You will still have "failures" along the way, especially in dating because you can't control how another person will think and attraction is a complicated thing.

 

So what I'm noticing just from this thread is:

 

*in the post above part bolded, you have made the "stakes" WAY too high. It's just a girl at a coffee date, there will be others. When you have the mindset that something or someone is so difficult to find and you suck at succeeding in this thing and thus this date is THE most important thing, you put tremendous pressure on yourself, a) that is unfounded, b) is unnecessary c) won't help you succeed. So stop that. Like someone said above and I say all the time, lower the stakes, talk to people and pretty girls in your every day life for small conversations with NO expectation of anything further than a sentence or two. This should give you more confidence.

 

Also think of the coolest guys in movies, leaders, heroes that every girl is in love with (exaggerated for effect but hopefully you get it), they are comfortable in their skin and have LOW stakes on just about everything. Like James Bond, gotta kill this guy or the world will explode, no biggie, sleep with this girl, no biggie. They kinda throw caution to the wind and just say f*ck it, take me as I am and this is what I'm gonna do, I'll worry about the consequences later. I think one of the guys said something to do when you call her like "it wasn't my smoothest night...and move forward to asking her about her day". The confidence of IN FRONT of someone accepting yourself and then still boldly going forward, is what attracts people to you a lot of the time and comes off as good/humble confidence (especially for a nice guy or an inexperienced one). We know you are not living in a movie, but telling you as a girl that it often is those same qualities that work in the dating world in real life.

 

*Yeah it sounds like a version of performance anxiety is going on with you. You can study up on what people do to combat it. So again you need to lower the stakes. Don't make some stranger girl bigger and more important to your happiness than she actually may be. It will take months/years to find out if someone IS that person so it's just a discovery process or purely entertainment, as most dates ARE NOT the "one".

 

*So i think you need to stop overanalyzing the date also. She could have been nervous as well, poorly-mannered or excited with the way she kinda was bombing you with questions. There is also this phenomena in social interaction which maybe you are so logically focused that you don't realize it. Basically conversations bounce around and don't follow a linear pattern, which would actually be a good sign for "getting close" to someone. I see what you are saying that it can also be rude, which probably depends on the tone but I think it more likely would mean engagement and excitement or wanting to show interest. So try not to analyze so much because often in the beginning stages (when you don't know someone and don't have much dating experience) you probably could be misinterpreting things and it can cause a downward spiral.

 

*Again, i'm going to bug you about the venue. This is why I say both the coffee date and a formal restaurant would be not ideal. They are interview-ish in nature and one person or the other is "on the spot". If you are trying to put you in the WORST situation for your performance anxiety you have picked it. If you do an activity on the first date, it will take YOU out of your head and allow both of you to focus on other things going on while getting to know one another. Seriously try it.

 

*Another comment about the type of date you chose--since it WAS the original question of the thread is do you really want the feedback--because you persisted in doing exactly what you had planned, i.e. a coffee date which many of us said was a bad idea. I said it with many things in mind, knowing you a bit from your other posts, your history via what you write on loveshack and my opinion and many other girls I know opinion of them in general. Not really saying this to say I told you so, but more so to see that ok maybe IN PART it is evidence that it is not the best 1st date for you (and for many girls for that matter). Obviously, not the only reason that this is not a match, if indeed that is the case. But you said yourself, that it was basically to check her out, so it never occurred to you that booking this kind of date sends exactly that message to her as well. That you just want to check out the goods, see if they are as promised. So it goes both ways, she did the same to you. And that's why it was only 25 minutes and maybe you won't get another chance to show her your best self. It feels like a "proof of life" date. Show me you are a living, breathing girl who looks like her photos. Both parties are so concerned with doing that that they fail to have fun because the MAIN purpose is a drive by. And it can backfire. Next time go out specifically to have fun. Throw a bit of caution to the wind, be a little more 007. A date to "check something out" to make sure you aren't getting duped, wasting time or money IS FEAR-BASED intentions. And voila. Just saying. Not conducive to your best foot forward inherently. (apologizes to those that do well on coffee dates, you are unicorns.).

 

Ok Max hang in there. Good luck!

[Gretchen12]

Like I said before, the friendzone is a rejection. But you make things difficult for yourself by believing the result all depends on your performance. That's a lot of pressure! All these guidelines on what to do, where to go, what to say, how to act, must make her laugh, etc. You're up, it's do or die. It'll make many men nervous!

But that's not how it is, imo. If you are handsome, you just need to show up and not be a jerk. You are probably not bad looking since she's seen your photos and wanted to meet you. You don't need to perform. Just look good and be nice and you'll probably get second dates for doing nothing more.

[Versacehottie]

no just say it wasn't your finest moment cause you were a bit nervous. That's all you have to say.

 

I would say this too^^. I think it is the best way.

 

I think you should do this EVEN if you believe she is not into you. Because it is practice of facing fears.

 

I would have a lot of respect for a guy who stated this and proceeded like he was very dateable (even if he wasn't the one for me). This is the kind of thing that would have me most likely reconsidering if i was making the right choice or wanting to set him up with one of my friends etc. I know that's not your primary goal. Your main goal is to get a date with this girl and go linear BUT if you improve and think less linearly, you will start to have success. Success often doesn't come linearly.

 

And in your case, it's twofold anyhow. You want to be more confident.. That opportunity STILL awaits you within your interaction with this girl even if the opportunity to make her your gf does not. If you don't understand what I mean, I mean you may run into her two years from now and get the opportunity to date her at that point, or end up being friends/friendly and meet one of her girlfriends and date her. Even handling it in a way that makes you feel GOOD, is a personal success for you that you take to the next date with some other girl. So yeah I think you should say this above.

[ElKay]

How about this... Instead of thinking what you did wrong, how about analyzing what are the commonalities of the women you've been picking to meet from the OLD website?

 

Her questioning, unless you misinterpreted how quickly she was following up with new questions, sounds like something's off about her. Either she was nervous or she has some weird etiquette for dates...

[max3732]

It didn’t sound like she was pleasant to talk to. Perhaps she was equally nervous

 

You know what? In hindsight you're absolutely right. At the time I was upset with myself for how acted and that I had such anxiety, but looking back all of her actions from the beginning to the end weren't very pleasant. Everything was very abrupt and her tone wasn't even nice from the 1st words out of her mouth. I think that contributed to my anxiety as I was taken back by her demeanor.

[max3732]

If you truly need to think about dating as a list of things, then we can help you deconstruct it into small manageable goals. That seems to work for super logical people like myself. Just let us know how you wanna approach your next date. Just please please approach it differently than this time around. For you, I would propose just asking any random woman on the street some stuff about themselves and striking up a conversation. Make your goal not to gain anything from her other than the knowledge she might provide. Make that your small achievable goal so that you can feel better about dating. Again you can't ask yourself to play the masterpiece piano concerto before you even got your nervousness down.

 

I tried this today and unless I can think of something to talk about I can't get myself to go up to someone and start chatting. When I do a cold approach it's when there is something I can think to talk about, like she's wearing an interesting t-shirt or looking at something. I saw a woman at the grocery store today just pushing her cart and I looked at her and her cart and couldn't come up with an excuse to talk to her so I just walked away.

[max3732]

I would say this too^^. I think it is the best way.

 

I think you should do this EVEN if you believe she is not into you. Because it is practice of facing fears.

 

I would have a lot of respect for a guy who stated this and proceeded like he was very dateable (even if he wasn't the one for me). This is the kind of thing that would have me most likely reconsidering if i was making the right choice or wanting to set him up with one of my friends etc. I know that's not your primary goal. Your main goal is to get a date with this girl and go linear BUT if you improve and think less linearly, you will start to have success. Success often doesn't come linearly.

 

And in your case, it's twofold anyhow. You want to be more confident.. That opportunity STILL awaits you within your interaction with this girl even if the opportunity to make her your gf does not. If you don't understand what I mean, I mean you may run into her two years from now and get the opportunity to date her at that point, or end up being friends/friendly and meet one of her girlfriends and date her. Even handling it in a way that makes you feel GOOD, is a personal success for you that you take to the next date with some other girl. So yeah I think you should say this above.

 

Well, sent the message this morning so it's out of my hands now. We may actually run in some of the same circles so best to handle it in a way that won't make things awkward for either of us.

[max3732]

Max if you start thinking of dating as a list of things you gotta do just right every time you meet a woman, that would freak out most men.

 

Most people don't have the processing power to do this.

 

I want to stress the crucial importance of not tying your happiness to a specific outcome with the lady. We all wanna chase our dream girl, I do too. But if you don't work on this nervousness your dream girl will reject you even you if meet her and she agrees to a date.

 

That's why you gotta work on less high stakes situations first. Otherwise this cycle will never end.

 

That's going to be my goal now. Figure out how to overcome this nervousness when around attractive women.

[alphamale]

That's going to be my goal now. Figure out how to overcome this nervousness when around attractive women.

 

most men get nervous around good looking women. the key is to treat them just like anyone else. they are human beings too. Practice makes perfect. Also, you can learn to control or hide your nervousness.

[Logo]

You know what? In hindsight you're absolutely right. At the time I was upset with myself for how acted and that I had such anxiety, but looking back all of her actions from the beginning to the end weren't very pleasant. Everything was very abrupt and her tone wasn't even nice from the 1st words out of her mouth. I think that contributed to my anxiety as I was taken back by her demeanor.

 

 

 

A date's tone, demeanor, comments and mood can definitely affect the way a date goes.

 

If someone is miserable and bitter and she comes like that to the date, it's not going to go well no matter how hard you try. If that's her personality, then consider yourself lucky.

 

A person who is out to have fun and enjoy the date and genuinely get to know the other person is usually a person who is comfortable with her self-image and enjoys socializing.

 

Consider the way the date went a gain, not a loss on your part.

 

On occasion you'll come across a good looking woman who has a lousy personality because she is used to her looks making up for her lack of social skills or manners. Or put differently, she thinks that her social skills don't need to be improved because her looks will make up for them.

Edited October 10, 2018 by Logo

[JuneL]

You know what? In hindsight you're absolutely right. At the time I was upset with myself for how acted and that I had such anxiety, but looking back all of her actions from the beginning to the end weren't very pleasant. Everything was very abrupt and her tone wasn't even nice from the 1st words out of her mouth. I think that contributed to my anxiety as I was taken back by her demeanor.

 

That brings back to my earlier point: You’re supposed to be getting to know her and evaluate whether she’s compatible potentially, instead of evaluating your performance during the date. If your description of her conversation style is accurate, don’t you think you should be the one to cut the meeting short?!

[Versacehottie]

I tried this today and unless I can think of something to talk about I can't get myself to go up to someone and start chatting. When I do a cold approach it's when there is something I can think to talk about, like she's wearing an interesting t-shirt or looking at something. I saw a woman at the grocery store today just pushing her cart and I looked at her and her cart and couldn't come up with an excuse to talk to her so I just walked away.

 

Well Garcon has the perfect idea. You just need to break it into even tinier steps, if you are getting tongue-tied upon seeing someone. Try a different someone, such as a man or lady of any age but where dating them ever is not really in the realm of possibility or something you would be interested in (because that is not the purpose of learning to break the ice anyway). OR break it down into SMALLER steps by figuring out what you will say or would have said to this grocery store woman--even if it is after-the-fact. In the same scenarios, such as going about your day, the same scenarios and repetitive type conversations are the small talk one would encounter with almost everyone. You just are "learning to walk", you can't be expected to run. Small, first steps. I can't think of a day where I don't have a conversation with a random stranger--all types of! (which has it's own set of problems but I digress

 

Also it helps if the "something" you are talking to them about has truth and intention behind it. Like commenting on a band tee shirt, because you DO really like it or the band or the weather because it's either so nice/such a struggle that you are recognizing it for the both of you or for food, because it is something you love yourself or are curious about how it is. I definitely have had people look at my groceries at the checkout stand and say something to me, like is that cracker good. This is the most basic level and ultimately I think that's the point. If it's not natural to you, you have to start somewhere and basic, small is a great place to start from. I like your attitude, I think you are going to get this. It's the benefit of your perhaps analytic stance that will help you rather than hurt you when you come up with reasons why a situation went a certain way or what you could do differently. So instead of thinking your analysis is always a bad thing, here is a situation where it is a good thing. You just want to be careful about drawing conclusions where you label yourself or come up with a belief structure about yourself that limits you. In other words, use the analyzation for GOOD and productive, more factual almost clinical observations rather than emotional, belief systems. Gather data, use data to your advantage. Good luck

[dispatch3d]

You must be young. I used to get that excited about random girls on the internet if they were cute or had good profiles or especially if it was both. Now I'm so jaded I just don't care. Enjoy it while it lasts I think.