1st date ideas to prevent friendzone

[kendahke]

I wanted to get some tips about how to prevent getting in the friend zone with her.

 

It truly depends upon the woman you're dealing with.

 

No one here knows her, so we can't tell you what will work. Speculation isn't knowing--it's guessing and guessing can get you to friendzone just as, if not more, quickly.

 

Ev.Er.Y.Bo.Dy. is entitled to their preferences and if you're not that woman's preference, there's nothing you can do about that. Sucks, but there it is.

[JuneL]

I hear this a lot, practice on the small buffalo, and once experienced the bigger buffalo are easy.

BUT women are not buffalo out on the plain, waiting to be shot at. Women think for themselves there are a lot of factors in play, and the small ones may be all a man is capable of ever getting or sadly none at all.

It is a myth propagated that with more experience the hot babes come running and it leads to a lot of discontent amongst some men who can get the impression they are entitled to hot women and everyone else is just filling in, whilst he is waiting for the hot ones to run in his direction...

 

I have a different take on this. I got the impression from the OP’s threads that he rarely has a first date, and would get so fixated on the woman whenever he managed to get a date. By “casting a wider net” so to speak, some of his pressure may be taken off; he can also have this mindset of meeting a potentially interesting woman, instead of overthinking things big time.

[max3732]

I have a different take on this. I got the impression from the OP’s threads that he rarely has a first date, and would get so fixated on the woman whenever he managed to get a date. By “casting a wider net” so to speak, some of his pressure may be taken off; he can also have this mindset of meeting a potentially interesting woman, instead of overthinking things big time.

 

That's correct. I rarely get first dates and they are a big event for me. I kind of agree with both points that I need to meet more women but it also goes against my morals to pretend to be attracted to someone I'm not. It's so hard for me to find women that I'm interested in where the feeling is mutual. Just swiping, messaging or cold approaching when I can and getting nowhere. When I actually get a date with a real women it means a lot.

[max3732]

I also wanted to follow up on the 1st date. It was pretty much a disaster and I don't think the venue was the problem. The main problem was my nerves again. Remember I said I'd consider it a success if I could relax and be myself? Well I failed again. Pretty much the whole time I was extremely nervous and felt so much anxiety it was like 75% of my brain shut down and I was on autopilot. The night before I woke up like 4 times thinking about how relaxed and fun I was going to be and imagining her laughing and the reality was that I was a nervous wreck.

 

What I learned from this is that I need some kind of mental trick to keep myself relaxed and able to let my normal personality come through. That should be my focus more than trying to initiate touch or any kind of specific conversations. All that goes out the window when I'm nervous. Being at a restaurant or other venue wouldn't have made things much better unless I was able to relax there. If I'm going to make mistakes I might as well learn from them so that's the lesson here for me.

 

Specifically with this woman though I'd still like some tips even though I fully recognize that the most likely outcome is either just getting blocked on the app or a message saying "thanks for meeting, but I don't think things would work out with us" or something like that. So when it most likely comes I won't be that surprised or disappointed. That being said here is a summary of what happened so that someone can hopefully provide some tips on what to message her next.

 

When we met I got there 5 minutes early and she was already there. I gave her a hug and she gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. She asked about the place and I heard my voice trembling as I answered. We got the coffee and walked around the park. What threw me also was she fired off these typical first date Qs like "where are you from" and "what do you do" and would interrupt me mid answer with another question. I was barely able to ask anything and tried to follow up where I could, but I was basically in a daze the whole time. Looking back I can't believe I acted like that and could barely think. We talked a lot about our shared sport, which was basically her asking me about it and me trying to get some questions in for her too.

 

I made a couple jokes, but she didn't laugh at all and almost felt like she was looking down on me. At one point she asked me something and I gave what I thought was a funny answer and she said something like "oh, that's a joke". The whole time she just felt very distant and abrupt, which didn't put me at ease at all. She also wore extremely large sunglasses that nearly covered her whole face making it hard for me to read her. I think I got her to laugh once the whole time. After about 25 minutes she said she had to go, which was less time than I was planning on. We ended with a hug and I asked about getting together with the sport and she said she was traveling, but maybe later this week. After she left I drove to a nearby parking lot and almost felt like I was going to cry I was so hurt and disappointed with myself.

 

Even though it was obviously a disaster I don't feel right leaving it like that and feel like I should at least make an effort to follow up just in case she could see past my nervousness and is willing to give me a second chance. Normally I send a message after the date regardless of how it went, but I'm confused by this one.

 

What should I say to her?

[alphamale]

What should I say to her?

 

tell her you were nervous but don't apologize for it

[MaleIntuition]

Are you seeing a professional therapist?

 

One trick that might be usefull is that nervousness gives the same/similar physical reaction as excitement. Try to mentally change the narrative from “I’m so nervous about meeting this girl” to “I’m so excited to meet this girl”.

 

Another thing; if she talks a lot, that’s okey, don’t try to hard to come up with jokes. Sounds like she was pretty extroverted, perhaps a bit rude even? If she interrupted you...

[Garcon1986]

Nervousness is ok, but if it persists date after date, it's not ok.

 

 

Have you pondered what exactly about dating makes you nervous? Is it not being able to get the lady of your dreams? Is it the same kind of performance anxiety that musicians get? Is it saying the right thing?

 

 

Everybody wants to date, but everybody is also allowed to have their preferences. That's very normal. You haven't committed a crime if you don't click with a lady, however, you also aren't doing the right thing if you are so nervous.

 

 

I recommend getting into a few extracurricular clubs where you can do a fun activity that you are really good at, where you can be natural and talk about it to the other women there. Then build confidence. Then, you can start looking for your dream lady. Remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. You've gotta try the Thomas Edison approach, which is 10000 failures just means I know 10000 ways not to do things. Maybe the next time will be right. It's true that women can be frustrating, and reject you based on trivial things. But emotions and ego aside, we are all entitled to our preferences. If you were a successful woman you wouldn't put up with a super nervous date either.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OP, is alcohol a definite and positive "no and never" for you? It seems like a cocktail or two might relax you enough to enjoy a normal conversation.

 

One time many moons ago I went on a date with a man from OLD and he was practically jumping out of his skin he was so nervous. Then, instead of ordering a cocktail, he got iced tea, which was the absolute last thing he needed!

[SouthernIslander]

OP, is alcohol a definite and positive "no and never" for you? It seems like a cocktail or two might relax you enough to enjoy a normal conversation.

 

One time many moons ago I went on a date with a man from OLD and he was practically jumping out of his skin he was so nervous. Then, instead of ordering a cocktail, he got iced tea, which was the absolute last thing he needed!

 

I was thinking this too...if this is an option for OP. I’ve gone on dates with nervous guys and a cocktail helped relax things a bit.

[Dis]

Max, listen to your boy Larry here. All the commentators here are tripping you up by saying you need to do something 'exciting' because coffee is boring.

 

They are wrong. As usual. Listen to the playboys here as we know something they don't.

 

First of all..this isn't what you'd call a date. It's a meeting. That's not a date so don't treat it like a date. Coffee is totally fine. Make it 30 - 60 mins max and do it somewhere where there is a good atmosphere. That's totally acceptable.

 

1). Dress properly, Don't smell bad, don't use heavy cologne.

 

2). Don't talk about serious stuff. Tell stories..talk about events..stuff that she can relate to but it's something she has no idea about but has a funny edge to it.

 

3). Do NOT talk about your past, your past relationships, Don't ask the girl "what she's attracted to", Don't talk about your failed relationships, don't be negative.

 

Okay - Cool?

 

Now here is the kicker and why it's gonna hurt some feelings.

 

The difference between a first and a second date is all dependent on...

 

Who YOU are and not necessarily what you do.

 

It's about How you look, how you dress, how tall you are, how you sound, what kind of job you have, etc and etc....

 

It is NOT about what's on the INSIDE of you...or your feelings, or how you treat a girl. It's all about who YOU are.

 

So you can't 100% protect yourself from the friendzone. It's somewhat predetermined...but you can protect yourself from the game women play.

 

Hope this helps.

 

If I went out on a date with a guy who considered himself to be a, "playboy" (whether he actually said he thought he was or just acted like it) I'd crack up , absolutely unable to take him seriously. That would be the first and last date

 

There's masculinity done right, and there's phony, trying too hard, "playboy" masculinity that's sure to turn a woman off in the worst way

[Dis]

for me "game" is being able to make a girl feel good and happy thoughts about me

 

Well done

 

Take notes, Larry

[JuneL]

OP: Sorry to hear that your date didn’t go well. While cutting the date short after 25 mins was a very negative sign, I think you should follow up on this with something short like “It was nice meeting you on Sun :-) This coming weekend is gonna be cool and sunny, wanna catch a tennis game? ;-)”

 

I think that you’re trying too hard to please and it backfired, big time. It sounded to me like you had rehearsed those jokes. I think it’s important for the jokes to be spontaneous; otherwise, it might be better not to crack any jokes at all.

[Cersei]

OP, is alcohol a definite and positive "no and never" for you? It seems like a cocktail or two might relax you enough to enjoy a normal conversation.

 

One time many moons ago I went on a date with a man from OLD and he was practically jumping out of his skin he was so nervous. Then, instead of ordering a cocktail, he got iced tea, which was the absolute last thing he needed!

 

I don't like this advice but it could be just me. The OP could end up like Raj from Big Bang Theory!

[max3732]

OP, is alcohol a definite and positive "no and never" for you? It seems like a cocktail or two might relax you enough to enjoy a normal conversation.

 

One time many moons ago I went on a date with a man from OLD and he was practically jumping out of his skin he was so nervous. Then, instead of ordering a cocktail, he got iced tea, which was the absolute last thing he needed!

 

Yes, it's a definite "no and never". Aside from not liking it alcohol interferes with medication I'm taking.

[JuneL]

Yes, it's a definite "no and never". Aside from not liking it alcohol interferes with medication I'm taking.

 

Do you do meditation or controlled breathing to help with your nervousness and anxiety?

[max3732]

OP: Sorry to hear that your date didn’t go well. While cutting the date short after 25 mins was a very negative sign, I think you should follow up on this with something short like “It was nice meeting you on Sun :-) This coming weekend is gonna be cool and sunny, wanna catch a tennis game? ;-)”

 

I think that you’re trying too hard to please and it backfired, big time. It sounded to me like you had rehearsed those jokes. I think it’s important for the jokes to be spontaneous; otherwise, it might be better not to crack any jokes at all.

 

There was one joke I rehearsed, but the others were all spontaneous. She told me she's going out of town this weekend so I already know not to invite her to anything this weekend.

[max3732]

Do you do meditation or controlled breathing to help with your nervousness and anxiety?

 

No, I've never done anything. I only get nervous like this on dates or occasionally with big moments in sports

[max3732]

tell her you were nervous but don't apologize for it

 

How do I tell her that without sounding weak like I'm apologizing for how I acted? "Great meeting you. As you could tell I was a bit nervous, but am happy to get the awkward first meeting out of the way" or something like that?

[Mardelis]

What should I say to her?

 

 

Doesn't matter you'll never hear from her again.You need to deal with that overwhelming anxiety. Probably meds at least for the short term. It's not normal to be that nervous on a date. It's just another person.

[JuneL]

No, I've never done anything. I only get nervous like this on dates or occasionally with big moments in sports

 

The reason your date was such an epic fail was that you failed to be in the moment: Your focus should be on getting to know her, but you’re evaluating your performance during the date.

[max3732]

Are you seeing a professional therapist?

 

One trick that might be usefull is that nervousness gives the same/similar physical reaction as excitement. Try to mentally change the narrative from “I’m so nervous about meeting this girl” to “I’m so excited to meet this girl”.

 

Another thing; if she talks a lot, that’s okey, don’t try to hard to come up with jokes. Sounds like she was pretty extroverted, perhaps a bit rude even? If she interrupted you...

 

No, I'm not seeing a professional therapist. Aside from dates I've never needed one. I wish it was like in the spy movies where there's someone in my ear that could calm me down and bring me back to earth when I get so nervous on a date.

 

The thing is I was doing most of the talking. It was like "what do you do for work?" Then I start explaining and as I'm just about finished explaining she goes "where are you from". At least there were no awkward pauses

[JuneL]

No, I'm not seeing a professional therapist. Aside from dates I've never needed one. I wish it was like in the spy movies where there's someone in my ear that could calm me down and bring me back to earth when I get so nervous on a date.

 

The thing is I was doing most of the talking. It was like "what do you do for work?" Then I start explaining and as I'm just about finished explaining she goes "where are you from". At least there were no awkward pauses

 

It didn’t sound like she was pleasant to talk to. Perhaps she was equally nervous

[max3732]

Nervousness is ok, but if it persists date after date, it's not ok.

 

 

Have you pondered what exactly about dating makes you nervous? Is it not being able to get the lady of your dreams? Is it the same kind of performance anxiety that musicians get? Is it saying the right thing?

 

 

Everybody wants to date, but everybody is also allowed to have their preferences. That's very normal. You haven't committed a crime if you don't click with a lady, however, you also aren't doing the right thing if you are so nervous.

 

 

I recommend getting into a few extracurricular clubs where you can do a fun activity that you are really good at, where you can be natural and talk about it to the other women there. Then build confidence. Then, you can start looking for your dream lady. Remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. You've gotta try the Thomas Edison approach, which is 10000 failures just means I know 10000 ways not to do things. Maybe the next time will be right. It's true that women can be frustrating, and reject you based on trivial things. But emotions and ego aside, we are all entitled to our preferences. If you were a successful woman you wouldn't put up with a super nervous date either.

 

Yes, I know exactly what's making me nervous and it's how important it is to me to find someone. Just finding someone with the basic demographic profile I want is tough, but someone attractive with similar interests that's single and willing to talk to me is near impossible.

 

It's also something I don't do very often and thinking about an attractive woman or being on date with her triggers emotions I'm not used to feeling and I just want to avoid messing it up. I think it like the performance anxiety musicians get. In the back of my mind I was thinking "good posture", "try to find excuses to touch her", "and a million other things on a mental checklist and instead I turned brain dead and became a nervous wreck.

 

Finding more activities makes sense. I just need to figure out what else to do.

[Larry56]

The way you perceive women is really disturbing.

 

Lol. Well if you take my analogy to mean "sleep with heaps of average women" you're wrong. A guy has to create options for himself to actually have more options and through creating lots of options he learns how to talk to women and understand what they are about. Not every playboy is actually able/interested in sleeping with everything that moves but reality of the situation is that dealing with multiple women, takes the edge and insecurity off chasing one woman who may or may not be flaky.

 

I hear this a lot, practice on the small buffalo, and once experienced the bigger buffalo are easy.

BUT women are not buffalo out on the plain, waiting to be shot at. Women think for themselves there are a lot of factors in play, and the small ones may be all a man is capable of ever getting or sadly none at all.

It is a myth propagated that with more experience the hot babes come running and it leads to a lot of discontent amongst some men who can get the impression they are entitled to hot women and everyone else is just filling in, whilst he is waiting for the hot ones to run in his direction...

 

I would agree with you if it wasn't for the fact that women are willing to trade up at a certain point in their lives when a new opportunity comes around. You know and I know that women have Backup men. these are the men women have on standby once the relationship is done. I really don't see a difference between a guy sleeping with multiple girls and girls having multiple guys in their own attention-harem. What's the difference??

 

Oh so one is dishonourable but the other one is a safety net?

 

This is chick-logic 101.

[Garcon1986]

Max if you start thinking of dating as a list of things you gotta do just right every time you meet a woman, that would freak out most men.

 

Most people don't have the processing power to do this.

 

I want to stress the crucial importance of not tying your happiness to a specific outcome with the lady. We all wanna chase our dream girl, I do too. But if you don't work on this nervousness your dream girl will reject you even you if meet her and she agrees to a date.

 

That's why you gotta work on less high stakes situations first. Otherwise this cycle will never end.