Stranded25 Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 (edited) Hi, So first of all, I feel like an awful human being for what I have done. I don't think I should ever be in a relationship after this. But feel like whatever I'll do at this point will make things much worse and I'll have to face up to the consequences. Because of being absolutely horrible with women and having social anxiety, I was in an LDR with a girl in another country. We met a few times irl... Long story short, we decided to get married so I could move and stay with her there. What's the worst that could happen? I was young and had nothin to lose... So everyone accepted me in her family, but sadly things went down hill faster than I could ever imagine. She seemed lovely online. We skyped a lot, etc. Once we moved in together turned out she had serious issues with sex that she didn't even know about herself. We were both virgins at the time, so I thought it takes time to get used to it... We've tried everything possible, including sex therapy. Then, after pushing her to get diagnosed, which took a year of convincing, turned out she has a condition and it takes a lot of therapies and medicines to cure. But aside from that, she also has slight Aspergers and a lot of serious insecurities which have caused me to feel emotionally neglected. I always try to arrive at a compromise in every situation, but she would either stay silent when I tried to talk about important things or would take offense and act like I'm the worst human in the world for saying what bothers me and what needs work. Yet most of the progress she's had was thanks to me pushing her to do something about it. It felt draining because I was the only one interested in improving our lives. I thought marriage was a team work... After several years of all this, she has allowed me to cheat since we still can't fully have sex. I haven't and don't feel like doing it despite having high libido and needing sex more than anything on some days. Sadly when I married her, I signed up for all the problems, just had no idea how much it would affect my life. I did try to be supportive, but her lack of non-verbal and verbal communication completely breaks my mind. I actually do want to help her and see if she cures the condition ,which she's working on. She has financially provided for me so many times here, so I owe her that at least. But sometimes it's just too much... I'm also going to school here and if I asked for a divorce now, I would possibly get deported. Or she would possibly make sure that I get deported. So my plan was to finish school while she's getting treatments. Then I'd get my residence, then if she's cured maybe we could start fresh, if not - then we divorce and I don't have to worry about deportation by that time. I don't feel like going back is the good option. I've invested a lot in here now and have nothin to return to... It's just so frustrating I'm nearing 30 and still haven't had good sex. Haven't fully felt happy. Often feel so dead inside. But even if she got completely cured, it seemed like a lot of little things bother her when we tried, while I'm more of an experimental type and I like the passion and messiness. I dont want to deal with insecurities in the moments of passion... I know, should've thought of it better when we first met, but being a 23 y. o. virgin with zero experience I just hoped for the best... What's strange though with her condition I'd have expected her to be putting more effort into any other type of sex that she could have. But nope. Maybe she's not mentally mature enough for all this... I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I know I haven't been the husband of the year, but I've really tried. And I think I've accidentally caused her self-esteem to go even lower because I had no clue how to act with people as fragile as her. I wasn't always patient, I felt rejected by her body and felt horribly disappointed. So I would be pissed off at her sometimes when she needed more support... I wasn't ready for all this. Edited October 5, 2018 by Stranded25
BaileyB Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 This marriage is over. It clearly should never have happened in the first place. You failed to do your due diligence, and now you are paying the price. I’m sorry, but staying in an unhealthy marriage until you get your residency just feels so unfair - to her. It seems so cold, like she is being used. You clearly have a lot to sort out. The fact that you are 30 and you have never had good sex seems like the least of your worries right now. I wish you well. 1
Author Stranded25 Posted October 5, 2018 Author Posted October 5, 2018 I know I failed but it's not like I never loved her. And she'd only be more traumatized again if I do something like that now. It's easy to say when you're not in this situation.
preraph Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 Read up on the laws there and find out if divorce will make you get deported or not. A lot of places let you stay as long as you are going to school. You can seek advice from the school itself, the curriculum counselor. Make an appointment and find out how hard it would be to transfer credits to an out-of-country school. You could wait until you were at the end of a semester to quit and move. You know, we get a lot of people who feel they are in love with their LDRs on here and just can't imagine how anything could go wrong once they meet, and her is exactly how it can happen. Any one of the things wrong with her would make it hard to be with her, so don't feel bad about that. It's her disease affecting everything. Just do some local research. I imagine the school counselor could help find things out for you without you having to walk in someplace. Don't assume it will all go wrong. You can divorce and get out of this. If you see an attorney, he can get you out of it and give you advice. Will she sign divorce papers without a fight?
Mr. Lucky Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 I’m sorry, but staying in an unhealthy marriage until you get your residency just feels so unfair - to her. It seems so cold, like she is being used. Bailey, we're often on the same page but I feel differently here. Stranded25, I think if you're up front with your wife about your intentions to complete school while supporting her therapy, it makes sense to progress to a place where you'll both have some options. I applaud you for not cheating on your marriage and hanging in a difficult situation. Does your wife want to stay married? Mr. Lucky 1
Author Stranded25 Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 Bailey, we're often on the same page but I feel differently here. Stranded25, I think if you're up front with your wife about your intentions to complete school while supporting her therapy, it makes sense to progress to a place where you'll both have some options. I applaud you for not cheating on your marriage and hanging in a difficult situation. Does your wife want to stay married? Mr. Lucky That's what I've been trying to do. I told her I wanted to exhaust every option so that we've done everything we could, and then if it's still not working out -at least nobody would hold any grudges and we could peacefully part ways. She seems to somewhat accept that. She does want to stay married. Ofc she probably thinks nobody would wanna be with her when she's like this. And, yea, even if I interrupted everything now, I might be allowed to stay during school, but ironically my temporary permit expires just when I finish school. And I actually wanted to continue the studies after that to the higher level to compete with the locals better to get a work permit... Not to mention I don't know how I would be able to pay back my student loan if I'm left with a high debt and no extension...
Author Stranded25 Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 (edited) I suppose the situation is somewhat under control ,except I get horribly depressed sometimes. I used to keep myself more busy so I wouldn't have to think about everything too much, but lately I've been failing at that and just let it all get to my head so much that I almost felt suicidal. It's all my fault after all. Noone else to blame here. I did plan on starting anti-depressants, but haven't got to that point yet. Drinking doesn't always help, although it cools down my urges. And the whole mood in our house is on me. If I don't take her acting too personal and show nerves of steel with unlimited patience, then she's gonna feel good too. The moment I let my emotions get the best of me, it's reflected on her just as much and we both feel even worse. It's a lot of pressure on me to keep the environment positive. Edited October 6, 2018 by Stranded25
BaileyB Posted October 6, 2018 Posted October 6, 2018 (edited) I think if you're up front with your wife about your intentions to complete school while supporting her therapy, it makes sense to progress to a place where you'll both have some options. I get horribly depressed sometimes. I used to keep myself more busy so I wouldn't have to think about everything too much, but lately I've been failing at that and just let it all get to my head so much that I almost felt suicidal. Drinking doesn't always help. It's a lot of pressure on me to keep the environment positive. If he can do it, but it sounds like the situation is taking a pretty big toll mentally and emotionally. Not sure it's realistic, long term. OP, it's not all your fault. She has some responsibility here too. The problems is, she is not able to do anything about it - because she has other needs and a more limited capacity. Which is why you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders right now... Edited October 6, 2018 by BaileyB
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 If you are in the US, being married does not seem to protect you from being deported. I would take steps to gain a green card now. Aspergers is not a condition which can be cured so I would move forward trying to protect yourself. 1
Author Stranded25 Posted October 9, 2018 Author Posted October 9, 2018 (edited) I think I will try to keep myself more busy again and not expect anything that I know cannot happen. Apart from studies, I keep applying for jobs and have my little hobby thing going. I'm not in US, but the process here is somewhat similar, except you can't get the equivalent of a greencard until a certain amount of years passes. So I cannot really do much at the moment to protect myself other than not commit any crimes and not piss her off too much. I guess it is what it is, I have to forget about sex entirely and take care of my needs by myself. Thanks for the replies. I kind of do realize what my options are, it just requires a lot of willpower to not let myself sink into depression. I do wish I wasn't as sexual as I am as it's clearly not helping me in the slightest. Edited October 9, 2018 by Stranded25
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