Soconfuzed Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 First off, I'm 50 have been married and divorced 10 years. During that time I've been in several LTR's with breakups that seemed to be pretty bad but nothing compares to this one. For the past 2.5 years I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman. We get along great, have very similar values about family, religion, politics and most other core issues and we have fantastic chemistry. When we met she was in the middle of a pretty tumultuous divorce AND she had just broken up with her business partner and was still reeling from that. She had all the qualities I was looking for in a woman. She is very attractive, kind, affectionate and loved being with me, all the time. I totally fell head over heels in love with her. The relationship progressed rather quickly (for me) and became pretty serious. I spent any and all of my free time at her house because she had primary custody of her kids and needed to be home for them. I did't have a problem with that but she soon started pushing for me to move in with her (after about 10 months). My daughter was still living with me but would be going off to college so we started talking about what the plan would be and I felt as though I was being pushed too quickly. I told her that and she kept insisting that it was my fears that were holding me back and that if I really wanted to be with her she thought it would make us a "family" if I moved in with her and sold my house. Okay...so this all sounds fairly routine however, from the beginning of our relationship I always had a strange feeling that there was "somebody else" in the picture. I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was from my past "history" of being cheated on or if it truly was my gut instinct trying to tell me something isn't right. I have battled this feeling with her for over two years. I thought she still had feelings for her business partner that she had broken up with and later found out that she did (She told me in the beginning that it was really nothing, a short fling that hurt a little but no big deal). I also learned that she would lie to me in order to avoid a confrontation. This concerned me because the subject she lied about had to do with her ex-boyfriend and I knew the answer to the question before I asked her. Despite the ongoing fears and concerns I had about her loyalty I bit the bullet and moved in with her and put my house on the market. Prior to putting my house on the market and moving I also refinanced her house with her so that she wouldn't lose it in her divorce. So, now I own two homes and I'm feeling extremely nervous about the situation in fact, I was extraordinarily stressed and it began to take a toll on our relationship. She would say my fears are strangling me and holding her back. I heard it so often I actually believed all of this stress and uneasy feeling I continuously had was my own baggage. My house was on the market for about 1 month and getting a lot of showings. It was sure to sell very quickly in this market. Right about now is the time she started to pull away from me and go cold. I have felt this feeling before and told her that it feels like somebody else is in the picture. I caught her texting to some guy (I didn't see who it was) and speak with a guy (I heard his voice and part of the conversation which sounded very personal). I confronted her about my feelings and was told over and over again that nothing was going on or "I was talking to my girlfriend" or "you are overthinking everything and letting your fears rule your life". She was lying straight to my face. I know what I heard. We had a talk and I asked her flat out. "Do you want me to live here with you" and she told me "I don't think so". Given the fact that I had just received an offer on my house I felt I had no choice but to refuse the offer and take it off the market for fear that I would have no place to live. She said I could live with her and move wherever I wanted but I couldn't see living with someone that doesn't want me there so I made the decision to move out. I began the process of moving everything I just moved in 3 months ago back out...and I have a LOT of stuff so I'm really upset about this. As I am moving my things out I just can't get the feeling that there is someone else involved here. She became really cold and distant too quickly and she didn't seem very upset about the fact that I was moving out..I, on the other hand, was an emotional disaster...trying to make sense of it all. I am still in the process of getting the last of my things out of her house and she finally admits to me that there is someone else that she has been talking to..a lot, and he supports her and encourages her, etc. etc. She told me that she has had a thing for him for 7 years and he just moved back into town and it just "started up" because he lives right down the street. She is very attracted to him. I had been going over to her house fairly regularly until she told me about the other guy. She insists that nothing has happened between them sexually but I have a hard time believing her. I just don't think feelings can be that strong without something happening eventually. The other aspect of this story is the fact that this "other guy" is living with a woman and they have children. This woman is also friends with my ex. In other words it's a mess. I told her I couldn't be with someone who has feeling for someone else. I just can't do it. She tells me that it's not what I think it is and that she still loves me and is still with me and wants to try to work out our relationship. I said "yeah but you want this other guy too" She said it will never work because of his wife and kids etc. I just think that I am the fallback because she knows she can't have him. She insists that she wants some sort of a relationship with me and maybe seeing less of each other would allow us to rebuild the relationship back to a better place. She says that I have been extremely jealous and possessive in our relationship since the beginning and she is right to an extent but, I think she has brought some of that on herself by dragging her past relationships into ours. I just don't think I can do it knowing the other guy lives right down the street and will come over any time he wants.... I am literally tearing myself apart trying to figure out what to do. Being away from her is so painful but being with her is painful too because of this other guy. I'm having such a hard time with the fact that she lied to me, allowed me to move all my stuff in and put my house on the market while making me feel like I was going crazy when all the while what I was feeling...another person in the picture...was spot on. I'm still in love with her and have to say that this is the most painful breakup I have ever been through. What would you do?
SevenCity Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 If you accept her terms, she won’t respect you and you won’t respect yourself. At the near mention of attraction to another guy I am gone - forever. She respects you so little that she thinks you will be ok being a backup plan. Walk away and never look back. And if you don’t trust someone, there is usually a reason. 1
Mardelis Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 If you accept her terms, she won’t respect you and you won’t respect yourself. In other words, nothing will change.
Zahara Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 Being away from her is so painful but being with her is painful too because of this other guy. What would you do? Being away from her is painful but that pain is temporary. Yes, you will suffer for awhile but it will pass. Being with her will afford you indefinite pain and the slow eroding of your self-esteem. You will absolutely be the fallback. Plus, do you want to be with someone that lies without batting an eyelid? What sort of relationship do you think you will have with someone like her in the long run? You need to walk away and stay gone. 1
SevenCity Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 Being away from her is painful but that pain is temporary. Yes, you will suffer for awhile but it will pass. Being with her will afford you indefinite pain and the slow eroding of your self-esteem. You will absolutely be the fallback. Plus, do you want to be with someone that lies without batting an eyelid? What sort of relationship do you think you will have with someone like her in the long run? You need to walk away and stay gone. Great points. The pain will suck if you leave but it will end one day. You will be guaranteed pain if you stay - and she will leave you eventually anyway. You are a placeholder for her. That’s not a hit on you at all - just the truth. Look for a women for whom you are her primary and only choice. My ex left me after 7 years...although not completely over it, the pain is far far less than it was in the beginning (2 years ago). You will get through this...but only if you do what’s right for you (which is to leave).
Author Soconfuzed Posted October 6, 2018 Author Posted October 6, 2018 Thanks for the responses... I'm making a final run to her house today to get the rest of my things so we've been talking about how we got where we are... It's not all her fault but, I can say she lacks the moral qualities I want in a partner and likely always will even if our relationship was going perfectly. Relationships ebb and flow and go through ups and downs and need constant work and attention. I know what I need to do I just don't want to go through the very long period of grief that is awaiting me. The withdrawal and pain is incredibly strong with this one. It's horrible not being able to have what you want so badly even if you know it isn't healthy for you....it's like any addiction I suppose. I can only hope for moments of peace and calm right now. They are few and far between...
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