My girlfriend is too possessive and emotional

[thrillseeker91]

I need advice on what to do with my girlfriend. Let me fill in some background about her and how we met and you'll see what I mean exactly and the title of my post will make all the sense in the world.

 

 

So I live in a small neighborhood and a little over two years ago, a neighbor of mine moved out. At the time, I had been single for a year mainly focusing on myself and out of the blue this extremely attractive, green eyed, very fair skinned, jet black haired girl moves in. She immediately catches my eye and I see her parents helping her move into her new, small home. Her parents seem very conservative, and almost your stereotypical Christian, however she didn't dress like them.

 

 

 

After she finished moving in, I noticed her looking at me a lot when I was working on my yard or going out for a run. When I would catch her looking, she'd turn beat red and look away. There was a couple of times where she tried to say hi, but she'd whisper it and I finally caught it the second time in which I said hi back and she whispered to herself that finally I talked to her and she continued to walk her small dog.

 

 

 

One day I was mowing my lawn when I heard her let out a painful yell and she was crying. It turned out she slipped and fell and sprained her ankle pretty bad and I quickly went over to help her out. I carried her back into her home and laid her in her bed and proceeded to get an ice pack ready for her. As I was in her kitchen preparing one for her, I was totally caught off guard to find a sketchbook full of sketches of me in them! As I went back into her room, I was icing her ankle and she was trying to tell me how she slipped but her voice was cracking a lot and it was very apparent she was really nervous. I decide to bring up the sketches and she went extremely red and speechless and buried her face into her pillow. I told her they were really good (they were, she's an awesome artist) and tried to talk to her but she was speechless for a bit and she finally started to talk back. After talking for a bit, I felt compelled to make a very daring move and I began to kiss her. I was surprised but she was very inexperienced kissing and she was shaking quite nervously. I asked her if I was moving too fast and she said no, and we proceeded to make out.

 

 

She began to open up more and told me she saved up money to move out because her parents were very strict. She's an only child, and she was home schooled her entire life. Her parents practically sheltered her and she never had the privilege of going on dates, making friends or having a normal life. At the time we were both 23. She did come up from a very Christian home and the last year living with her parents was a living hell because they tried to control what she did: no internet, bed at a certain time, and tried to get her to continue to go to church despite her losing faith in it completely. She wanted to start living and find herself and explore what the world had to offer.

 

 

We exchanged numbers and immediately began dating. I saw some red flags early on in the relationship such as her persisting insecurities, her possessiveness of me, and her wanting to impress me by buying me fairly expensive gifts. If one was to check our text message history , she'd easily become a meme with how frequently she sends messages. She almost comes off like those creepy obnoxious guys you hear about where they'll constantly message the girl without getting a reply back.

 

 

I was able to get her into various bands I love listening to and she decided to dress more alternative/ goth. After a great picnic date though, we went back to my place and things lead to one thing after another and when we were fooling around in my bedroom, I finally found out after touching her that she was a virgin. We talked about it and she told me she'd like to lose it but I told her I wanted her to actually go through with it when she felt absolutely ready. She ended up asking me if I was a virgin, which I explained I wasn't. Before dating her, I was involved in 5 serious relationships and left out the fact that I also had a few one nighters. Just the relationship parts was enough to have her feel heart broken and in tears and she told me she'd wished I waited for her so that way we could have lost it together. I informed her that I would never stray, I never cheated on any of my exes and that they're in the past and I'm with her now.

 

 

This next part, I'm only mentioning because this is gonna be part of the problem. Not too long afterwards, she did say that she was ready and I made sure she felt very special and I was not at all rough with her our first time in the bedroom. She cried and was very sappy, emotional and all and all very expressive of her "undying love for me" and I wasn't surprised.

 

 

 

After a year of dating and getting to know each other very well, she expressed how she wanted to start renting out her home so she could live next door with me. I agreed. I loved how we both share that we're organized, clean, and not at all slobs. However living with her opened my eyes..

 

 

She's very bad with her bills, doesn't know how to invest, and virtually has no friends. If I did hang out with my friends and don't respond right away, she doesn't flip out like you'd expect, she'd get very worried and had in the past filed a missing person report with the police. Our intimacy in the bedroom is plagued with her constantly crying. She always gets emotional, and when I'm at work, would usually leave several voice messages. I've tried to help her get friends, but she always seems to interested in me. The only friend she seems to have besides me is the dog.

 

 

 

Appearance wise, she's everything I wanted and more. Personality wise, she's very much like a little kid that is constantly begging for attention and is in constant need of life advice. I love that there is strong chemistry, but a lot of these things I feel are putting a strain on the relationship for me.

 

 

 

She's a great, caring, and loving person. I'm not gonna lie, if it wasn't for some of these things, I'd love to marry her. I want to fix the relationship's few and minor flaws. I don't care if she gets a little teary eyed after sleeping together, but I don't need to hear how we're soul mates, how she'd die for me, how I'm the man of her dreams all the time. I also want her to not feel that she has to spend hundreds of dollars on me. And lastly I don't like the idea that I'm her only friend and that she leaves me literally over a hundred messages a day.

 

 

I don't know how to talk to her. We're now 25, and I just don't want to hurt her feelings. Any advice would be great.

[Ruby Slippers]

She won't change much anytime soon, and if you marry her, she'll likely become even more needy and dependent with you. Then one day if you do decide you've had enough, you'll likely feel stuck because if you leave, you'll owe her half of everything you have and possibly child support for a very long time.

 

I don't think it's wise to marry someone you already have such feelings of wariness about - and your feelings are justified by her behavior.

 

Most men are no longer interested in marrying someone they have to take care of like a child. Eventually it becomes a heavy dead weight.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[bathtub-row]

Her behavior is deeply ingrained due to her religious upbringing and home schooling. Her parents did her a HUGE disservice by crippling her in such a way. But, honestly, I don’t know how you deal with her. She’s a mess in case you hadn’t noticed. What she needs is a heavy dose of living in the world but you became the escape route from that.

 

The two things that come to mind in terms of dealing with this is to either break up with her, or put your foot down and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she recognize that she’s highly immature and socially inept and that she work on fixing that, that she stop immediately with the non-stop texting, and everything else that most mature people know not to do. Let her know that her not fixing those things is going to destroy your relationship.

 

After all that, she’ll realize you’re about to dump her - because she can’t possibly grow up - she’ll make sure she gets pregnant to entrap you, and you’ll be the one crying before, during, and after sex. Then she’ll fall back on her upbringing and raise the kids in a religious, home schooled life, while you sit back and cringe.

 

The truth is, despite her good qualities, she has crossed into the dealbreaker zone and that isn’t something you should ever overlook. If you do, it will haunt you for many years to come.

[thrillseeker91]

@ruby slippers

 

 

I know what you mean. That's part of what I'm afraid about. It's just I hope she changes. This girl is a head turner, she's smoking hot, and I really like her. It's just her current job is actually her first. She's never worked anywhere else and constantly needs help on what to do. As for her bills that I mentioned, I finally got her to set up auto-pay and convinced her to stop showering me with gifts.

[SunnyWeather]

@ruby slippers

 

 

I know what you mean. That's part of what I'm afraid about. It's just I hope she changes. This girl is a head turner, she's smoking hot, and I really like her. It's just her current job is actually her first. She's never worked anywhere else and constantly needs help on what to do. As for her bills that I mentioned, I finally got her to set up auto-pay and convinced her to stop showering me with gifts.

 

I get you are attracted to her, but for a realistic long term relationship, there clearly needs to be more to make it work, and some changes need to occur to take it to the next level--on both ends. How about you have a real heart-to-heart and lay all this out? tell her you might see something more serious but not how things are now. Tell her what you want/require in a committed partnership, and stop enabling childish behavior.

 

She's been infantalized her whole life, are you going to continue condoning it?

[thrillseeker91]

@bathtub-row

 

 

She claims she's spiritual, but has vocally stated that she has no intentions of going back to church any time soon. Her parents are not for the most part, supportive of her living with me, however her dad has expressed that as long as she's taken care of at the end, by a good guy, that's what he is mainly wanting. We both had gotten numerous requests from them to go to church and she has declined with excuses.

 

 

My biggest part is the childishnss.Very early in the relationship I did catch her sleeping with stuffed animals. At first I thought it was cute, but now looking back it is because of her immaturity.

 

 

I have been telling her she doesn't have to message me all the time, but she just says that I'm her world and that she deeply loves me and finds a deep connection.

 

 

I had introduced her to my female friends, but they had told me that the conversation doesn't last long, like she's nice, but then would take hours to respond if at all (this usually results with her leaving me romantic poems and sending me various funny memes).

 

 

I have been slowly helping her with her finances though and she is starting to grasp what to do. Right now the biggest deal breaker for me is the constant crying and emotional, romantic sappy crap she says while we're doing it. I can understand if it was during one of our birthdays, Valentine's Day, or during the Holidays... but every time? It loses it's meaning.

 

 

God is she hot though.. and a lot of my buds constantly say that I'm very lucky to come home to that every night.. but the truth is, we haven't been intimate for the past 4 weeks because I just can't take it anymore and I've been lying to her that work has been getting to me, but the truth is, I just don't want to hear how amazing I am, how we're soul mates, that she feels extremely safe in my arms, and wants to grow old with me, while she's sobbing..

 

 

I'm not gonna lie, other exes I've been with, I had an idea what they'll look like because of their moms, and sure enough most of them now look like them after having kids (usually fat and out of shape)... my girlfriend's mom, even though she's a little chunky, is thicc in all right the places and a total milf..I'm hoping she changes because I could totally see myself with her, and would not mind her going from 120-130lbs, lean, toned, perky, with a backside that would make a rapper cry, to a busty, curvy woman with more curves than a freakin' hot wheels racing track.

 

 

So right now, the finances seem to be getting better, the next part is the sappy bs. I don't want to be too firm because she insecure and I don't want to hurt her feelings too bad.

[thrillseeker91]

@SunnyWeather

 

 

You're right. I'll need to come up with an idea of what to say because I do care for this girl.

[kendahke]

You're right. I'll need to come up with an idea of what to say because I do care for this girl.

 

I don't get why you're even dealing with someone this stunted. She's too much work--like battling an octopus to get free...

 

I think you need to slow your roll and re-examine what a characteristic traits you require in a woman you invest in because this one ain't that one.

 

She's a dependent and as such, she isn't going to be arsing herself anytime soon to run her own life. Her religiously conservative parents probably raised her to be some man's dependent , I mean wife, and she has no skills in order to stand on her own two feet. She's going to emotionally cling to you like the above mentioned octopus when it comes time for her to do something on the adult level.

 

Now if you want someone you'll have to take care of like a grown child, admit that truth to yourself and accept all the consequences that comes with sticking to this line of thinking. But eventually, you're going to grow to resent her perpetual childishness and that is going to poison your relationship.

 

I'd be backing up right now and drilling home to her that she needs to be way more independent in order to be more attractive to you.

[kendahke]

'm not gonna lie, other exes I've been with, I had an idea what they'll look like because of their moms, and sure enough most of them now look like them after having kids (usually fat and out of shape)... my girlfriend's mom, even though she's a little chunky, is thicc in all right the places and a total milf..I'm hoping she changes because I could totally see myself with her, and would not mind her going from 120-130lbs, lean, toned, perky, with a backside that would make a rapper cry, to a busty, curvy woman with more curves than a freakin' hot wheels racing track.

 

You do understand that people pull their genes from more than just their parents, right? Like her aunts, grandmothers--their genes are a part of her pool, too, because of their gene pool.

 

She could have the genes of a fat relative, so it really wouldn't matter what her mom looks like if her "winnings" of the dna lottery were not her mom's weight genes.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sure her very sheltered upbringing has a lot to do with this, but I think she is dealing with issues that go much deeper that.

 

The child-like emotional and social development is very concerning. The murmuring to herself and pile of sketches she'd done of you should have been your first clue that something was not what it seems with her. Add to that the complete lack of coping or emotional regulation skills, and you're facing a lifetime of parenting her (which you've already started doing) I have to wonder if some of this is the reason her parents sheltered her so much; perhaps they know full-well that their daughter is suffering from something more and they took a misguided approach in trying to protect her and care for her.

 

In any case, being a head-turner counts for little when you have a girlfriend that is more like a daughter in need of a parent.

[kendahke]

God is she hot though..

 

so she's cute, but is a lump of mud as far as acting like an adult.

 

Hot isn't going to be able to get you past her taking no initiative in her life... it's going to get really old, really fast when your relationship's dynamics turn from adult/adult to parent/child. Then hotness isn't going to even be a thing--you're going to want her to just grow the eff up already.

I have to wonder if some of this is the reason her parents sheltered her so much; perhaps they know full-well that their daughter is suffering from something more and they took a misguided approach in trying to protect her and care for her.

 

They're looking for someone to offload her onto.. they know what they've raised.

[bathtub-row]

The girl does show some very disturbing patterns of behavior. As others have stated, you need to be wary.

[thrillseeker91]

Well thanks for the feed backs.. I really want this to work out with her.. We did over the past day, talked a lot.. there were hurt feelings, tears, and now we have plans on how to overcome these obstacles..

 

 

She opened up that her Christian Denomination is very patriarch, man rules, traditional.. they believe that college is evil, and the men, though they can go to college, are actually encouraged to go to some form of trade school because of that, while the girls are not allowed to go to college or get a higher education. They're supposed to be raised on how to be a perfect submissive housewife, mother, and a daughter of god. The men mainly work, take care of finances and make the decisions.

 

 

She finally agreed that she'll take various finance classes and look up other things to help her become more independent as well as being more active in pursuing friends.

 

 

She was very embarrassed about my dislikes of her being too emotional in the bedroom. She just played those sort of things out in her mind as some sort of fairy tale. She did understand that saying that sort of stuff over and over loses its meaning and value and so she'll do her best to work on that and not say those sort of sappy over the top things while sleeping together.

[ExpatInItaly]

While it's good you talked about it, I think you're going to find that her acknowledging her overly-restricted upbringing and attempting to overcome these "obstacles" on her own doesn't even scratch the surface of the problem, nor the solution.

[kendahke]

 

She opened up that her Christian Denomination is very patriarch, man rules, traditional.. they believe that college is evil, and the men, though they can go to college, are actually encouraged to go to some form of trade school because of that, while the girls are not allowed to go to college or get a higher education. They're supposed to be raised on how to be a perfect submissive housewife, mother, and a daughter of god. The men mainly work, take care of finances and make the decisions.

 

She just played those sort of things out in her mind as some sort of fairy tale. .

 

Stunted emotional development. That's a problem.

 

She sounds like she was raised in Afghanistan. A marriage license doesn't force people to stay married or make them treat their spouse well. She stands a greater chance of winding up in an abusive relationship because she doesn't know how what someone her age should know in order to take care of themselves and live independently.

 

Her religion raises her to be a grown dependent who is dependent upon the whims of a male, not independent and capable of looking after herself. She's not prepared to be an equal partner in a 21st century marriage/partnership. A 19th/early 20th century, perhaps.

 

Choosing to go forward with her is choosing to take on a grown child that will never grow up and leave the nest. She might be cute, but she will turn out to be more trouble than you are equipped to take on.

Edited October 11, 2018 by kendahke

[smackie9]

Communication is key, so this shouldn't be the end of it...you will need to maintain things with her with more conversations to follow. If you keep nipping her behavior in the bud, she will relearn how to think and adjust her behavior. Yes this will take time, and you will always have to deal with it as part of the maintenance. Good luck.

[SouthernIslander]

so she's cute, but is a lump of mud as far as acting like an adult.

 

Hot isn't going to be able to get you past her taking no initiative in her life... it's going to get really old, really fast when your relationship's dynamics turn from adult/adult to parent/child. Then hotness isn't going to even be a thing--you're going to want her to just grow the eff up already.

 

 

They're looking for someone to offload her onto.. they know what they've raised.

 

Agree.

 

I get she is attractive but this is ......a lot.