SweetCharity Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 So I'm sure some of you have read my posts over the years about the train wreck that is my love life. I recently got out of a two year relationship that was bordering on abusive. All the while I've been going to a low-cost therapy clinic at a university because I clearly have issues I need to work out. Two things. One my ex won't leave me alone and because my heart was recently bruised by a new guy I let him back into my life. Which I have been discussing in therapy which brings me to point #2. I'm ridiculously attracted to my therapist. I'm self aware enough to know that it's projecting and transference. Clearly I have a young, attractive, competent man listening to my problems, not being judgemental, offering healthy advice and safety so of course I'm going to feel something. I'm smart enough to know that even if he felt anything at all for me, that if he acted on it it would be a gross abuse of the power dynamic. Yet, when I'm with my ex I'm thinking about him. After every session I can't stop thinking about him. I was so distraught I even drove in a full circle once. I have discussed it with him and like an excellent therapist he maintained that our relationship will always remain professional. He did make me do some processing though. :/ It's starting to distract me from my original goal which was to get better mentally. Now I find myself looking forward to therapy because I know I'm going to see him. Should I just get a new therapist? Talk about it with my therapist? Never go back to therapy? Lol. Thoughts?
brigit87 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 (edited) {snip} Should I just get a new therapist? Talk about it with my therapist? Never go back to therapy? Lol. Thoughts? Get a new therapist. This is could be a learning experience but it probably will be you paying for dates instead of therapy. Edited October 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author SweetCharity Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 Get a new therapist. This is could be a learning experience but it probably will be you paying for dates instead of therapy. Lmao! It's not a date. We do discuss my issues in there. He's very professional.
brigit87 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Lmao! It's not a date. We do discuss my issues in there. He's very professional. If you wear makeup and are careful with what you wear...maybe change clothes a couple of times then to you it's a date. It's OK, this stuff happens all the time. He will be a good therapist for someone else. 1
Zahara Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 It's starting to distract me from my original goal which was to get better mentally. Now I find myself looking forward to therapy because I know I'm going to see him. Should I just get a new therapist? Talk about it with my therapist? Never go back to therapy? Lol. Thoughts? It's pretty straightforward. Find a new therapist. I wouldn't talk about it to him. It may just become awkward. Never go back to therapy? There are other therapists that can help you -- if you're truly wanting to fix your issues.
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 This why you get yourself into situations that are not healthy. You just can't help yourself with these urges, even tho you are aware, you make poor decisions. Get new therapist...a female. 1
Author SweetCharity Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 This why you get yourself into situations that are not healthy. You just can't help yourself with these urges, even tho you are aware, you make poor decisions. Get new therapist...a female. The hell are you talking about? I have not under any circumstances have even made a move on my therapist. I have expressed my concern but nothing more. Don't assume things.
lurker74 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Yet, when I'm with my ex I'm thinking about [my therapist] There is so much wrong with this sentence. For instance, if you're back with your ex, he's not your ex. And you should not be falling for your therapist if at all possible. But you are not the first nor will you be the last. And you should be commended for being able to tell him. Whether you get a new therapist or not should be the decision of your therapist. The answer he will give will probably be, yes, you should. But you might take a few sessions to examine the feelings...to understand transference and how you let yourself fall into the same trap again and again, because while your therapist will (hopefully) not hurt you, the next guy or in your case, the ex guy, will. So perhaps you can focus on the shallownes of those feelings with him so that you can find the cognitive function that leads to your behavior. And then you should get a new therapist. A female one. Perhaps even an unattractive female one! 1
mortensorchid Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Get another therapist and PRETTY G******** QUICK! There are people out there who think they are in love with their therapists and they are … Not. They do not see that the professional courtesy that they are paying them is because it's their job not because they have actual interest. People have also done this to other unavailable people in their lives like a teacher, doctor, minister, etc. There have been cases where people have thrown themselves completely naked at their therapist. Their job then, as the professional, is to throw a blanket over them, escort them out of the office, and tell them that they need to find another therapist. Fact. 1
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 The hell are you talking about? I have not under any circumstances have even made a move on my therapist. I have expressed my concern but nothing more. Don't assume things. I never said you were going to have sex with your therapist so don't assume things. Emotionally you are being enamored by this guy. That is why you see a therapist...to get emotional help/stabilize your life....falling for them is only going to jeopardize your therapy and complicate things further. You are already getting defensive...which means you are in denial of the seriousness of this.
Author SweetCharity Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 There is so much wrong with this sentence. For instance, if you're back with your ex, he's not your ex. And you should not be falling for your therapist if at all possible. But you are not the first nor will you be the last. And you should be commended for being able to tell him. Whether you get a new therapist or not should be the decision of your therapist. The answer he will give will probably be, yes, you should. But you might take a few sessions to examine the feelings...to understand transference and how you let yourself fall into the same trap again and again, because while your therapist will (hopefully) not hurt you, the next guy or in your case, the ex guy, will. So perhaps you can focus on the shallownes of those feelings with him so that you can find the cognitive function that leads to your behavior. And then you should get a new therapist. A female one. Perhaps even an unattractive female one! I'm not back with my ex though I can feel myself backsliding. I was trying to discuss it in therapy because getting back with my ex would be like volunteering to enter prison. I was trying to understand why I couldn't let things go. I had previously requested a female therapist but then I decided it was important for me to build a positive, platonic relationship with the opposite sex so I said it didn't matter. Of course they gave me a Male. He was actually recommended by my previous therapist.
Author SweetCharity Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 I never said you were going to have sex with your therapist so don't assume things. Emotionally you are being enamored by this guy. That is why you see a therapist...to get emotional help/stabilize your life....falling for them is only going to jeopardize your therapy and complicate things further. You are already getting defensive...which means you are in denial of the seriousness of this. Your response came across as very rude and that's what I was reacting to. I'm fully aware how serious this is and what a hindrance it is to my recovery. I just don't know if running away from my problems is more helpful.
Author SweetCharity Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 There have been cases where people have thrown themselves completely naked at their therapist. Their job then, as the professional, is to throw a blanket over them, escort them out of the office, and tell them that they need to find another therapist. Fact. Lol, I would never...
2much4 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 I had previously requested a female therapist but then I decided it was important for me to build a positive, platonic relationship with the opposite sex. Maybe this is why you are so confused. This is not a platonic relationship. This is a professional patient to doctor relationship. He is not your friend. If you care the least bit about your mental health you should absolutely get a new therapist. Doesn't have to be a woman, just one you're not attracted to. 1
BaileyB Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 I have discussed it with him and like an excellent therapist he maintained that our relationship will always remain professional. He did make me do some processing though. :/ He should have given you the name of a new therapist. You would be foolish to believe that you can have anything but a professional relationship with your therapist. For him to do anything else, would be totally unethical. And now, you can't even have a professional relationship with him. It's definitely time for a new therapist.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 Adding to the wave of suggestion, yes, you need a new therapist. Choosing a male so you can get practice having a platonic relationship was flawed thinking, because you don't have a platonic relationship with a therapist. You're his patient. It's time to seek out someone new to help you.
planb1973 Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 I'm going to speak from a different side. I think it is totally normal to have a crush on your therapist. Granted acting on it or even telling them is out of line and will hinder your growth in therapy. I have been seeing my therapist for 6 years and do have a small crush on her. She is my age and quite attractive. I chose a female therapist to better help me understand women with regards to my romantic life. She has heard it all, knows all my skeletons in the closet and I feel safe sharing my deepest vulnerabilities. Yet she always listens and encourages me, hands me a tissue when I cry, and I simply feel safe with her. Of course there is an amount of attraction there. BUT, it is strictly professional. If your attraction to your therapist is keeping you from focusing on your growth then you should find a different therapist.
Veronica73 Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 I think it’s perfectly normal to have a crush on your therapist as well. I have one on mine.
JuneL Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 It’s okay to have an innocent crush. But in her case, the therapist is on her mind all the time and is interfering with her therapy. You need to feel comfortable to share your vulnerable stuff; in her case, she might be concerned about how her therapist is judging her. 1
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2018 Posted October 5, 2018 Get another therapist and PRETTY G******** QUICK! There are people out there who think they are in love with their therapists and they are … Not. They do not see that the professional courtesy that they are paying them is because it's their job not because they have actual interest. People have also done this to other unavailable people in their lives like a teacher, doctor, minister, etc. There have been cases where people have thrown themselves completely naked at their therapist. Their job then, as the professional, is to throw a blanket over them, escort them out of the office, and tell them that they need to find another therapist. Fact. They need a rubber room and a straight jacket!
Author SweetCharity Posted October 5, 2018 Author Posted October 5, 2018 I'm going to speak from a different side. I think it is totally normal to have a crush on your therapist. Granted acting on it or even telling them is out of line and will hinder your growth in therapy. I have been seeing my therapist for 6 years and do have a small crush on her. She is my age and quite attractive. I chose a female therapist to better help me understand women with regards to my romantic life. She has heard it all, knows all my skeletons in the closet and I feel safe sharing my deepest vulnerabilities. Yet she always listens and encourages me, hands me a tissue when I cry, and I simply feel safe with her. Of course there is an amount of attraction there. BUT, it is strictly professional. If your attraction to your therapist is keeping you from focusing on your growth then you should find a different therapist. Therapists actually see it as an opportunity to delve into your issues on a deeper level if they find out you have a crush on them. My therapist told me he would never tell me anything insincere and that he wants to build a positive PROFESSIONAL relationship with me that I could then apply into the real world. If that makes sense lol.
Author SweetCharity Posted October 5, 2018 Author Posted October 5, 2018 It’s okay to have an innocent crush. But in her case, the therapist is on her mind all the time and is interfering with her therapy. You need to feel comfortable to share your vulnerable stuff; in her case, she might be concerned about how her therapist is judging her. I'm super concerned. Now that's it's been a few days I do feel like my brain is getting back to normal.
Author SweetCharity Posted October 5, 2018 Author Posted October 5, 2018 For those saying you can't have a platonic relationship with your therapist misunderstand what a platonic relationship is. You have a relationship with everyone you know. The nature of that relationship is the question. Platonic means nonsexual. So... yeah.
Recommended Posts