Is this guy being wishy-washy?

[b1a6]

Just need some outside opinions to see if I'm thinking clearly about this.

I just started seeing someone two weeks ago and I already feel like he isn't as into this as I am. First of all let me say that we currently live an hour apart with our families, so it's hard to meet often anyways, but I agreed to date him because he'll be moving a bit closer half a month from now and into his own apartment.

 

We first started talking on a Friday and he suggested we meet that weekend, we made plans for Sunday and met up. We ended up spending many hours together and he was asking me many questions about myself. We held hands a little bit (I asked him to, he said he thought it was cute) although after holding for 5 minutes he let go and didn't seem to want to any more which I thought was strange. Then when we parted ways, he kissed me goodbye. Ok, seems to have gone successfully.

 

After coming home that night I waited for 3 hours then he finally says "Thanks for coming out!" I responded enthusiastically and said that I hoped to meet again soon but he kind of ignored that part in his next response. He told me later on that he didn't text me for 3 hours because he was still out in the city where we met, but I found it rude that he didn't ask if I got home safely. (I think he might have been meeting another girl because he never told me what he was doing there, so maybe that's why. It was only our first time meeting but like... same day dates really?)

 

In the days following he was texting me consistently, but by Tuesday (or Wednesday?) night he still hadn't mentioned making new plans with me so I asked him about his weekend plans. I said I was meeting a friend on Sunday, hinting that Saturday was open. During this conversation he says that "Usually my plans are last minute lol. Even though I wish I was a planning person" then finally asks to meet up on Saturday. He suggested a place to meet up that i told him about, but changed his mind saying it was too far and didn't make any other suggestion. So, I found a good mid-point place that would only be 30 mins for us and suggested that, he agreed. I told him that my dad would be giving me stick shift driving lessons in the early afternoon, which in my mind clearly implied that we would have to meet in the evening, he also mentioned bar hopping so I was pretty sure he knew I meant dinner time.

 

So then Friday comes and he says "Sorry, I can't make it tomorrow. Can we meet on Sunday after you meet your friend instead?" I asked him why and he said that he had to watch his 12 yo sister since his parents were out of town. But then on Saturday he tells me that he's taking his sister to a class in the afternoon and then having dinner with a couple friends. I was like "But we were supposed to meet on Saturday evening originally..?" And he said he "misunderstood and thought we were meeting around lunch time" like as in before my driving lesson?? It just didn't make much sense to me and I called him out for changing things last minute, and he apologized.

 

So before meeting on Sunday, I mentioned how he didn't seem to like holding hands the first time we met and he said it was just "first date jitters" and that he would be sure to hold my hand next time. We met on Sunday and it seemed to go pretty well. We went into a Cold Stone and he bought an ice cream there just so I could use the bathroom, which was nice. He didn't tell me much about the dinner with friends the previous night but just mentioned that his credit card got declined and his female friend ended up picking up the tab. Then we sat in a grass field talking for a while, during this time he mentioned that he would have to help out with his sister's debate competition for the whole next weekend. Then we went to a restaurant to have dinner, he bought me something nice, which was nice. We kissed and said our goodbyes but there was no mention of when we could meet next.

 

Yesterday I asked at 7pm to speak with him on the phone because I hate texting all the time, he said I had to wait until late because he was going out to dinner with his family and then a movie. So I waited until 11pm to talk on the phone and I had many things to talk about but I felt like I had to do so much of the talking... not sure if he just doesn't like talking about himself or is just not that talkative in general. During that call I said I wished I could visit him since he has no work the rest of the week due to wisdom teeth getting pulled, but I couldn't because I don't have my own car at the moment. Then he said we could "maybe" meet on Monday because it's a holiday.

 

So now I'm just thinking about everything, I just don't understand why it's a maybe to meeting on Monday?? He is spending the whole weekend with his family and I feel as if he's waiting for something to come along with his friends for Monday, as if he would chose his friends over me... AGAIN!

 

My parents think he's super wishy-washy, do you think they're right and I should bag him, or am I just over thinking things here and i need to give it some more time to see what happens??? THANKS!

[USMCHokie]

You both sound rather young...if so, then it would make sense that he seems "wishy washy," because he's just a kid who hasn't developed the requisite social skills and awareness for dating. Likewise, I think your expectations from him might be a tad unreasonable and be the cause of unnecessary stress. You should *never* wait around for a text from someone. And if he's really playing some silly game of purposely waiting to text or respond to texts, then he's probably not worth any more of your time.

 

I'd move on based on what you've told us.

[b1a6]

You both sound rather young...if so, then it would make sense that he seems "wishy washy," because he's just a kid who hasn't developed the requisite social skills and awareness for dating. Likewise, I think your expectations from him might be a tad unreasonable and be the cause of unnecessary stress. You should *never* wait around for a text from someone. And if he's really playing some silly game of purposely waiting to text or respond to texts, then he's probably not worth any more of your time.

 

I'd move on based on what you've told us.

 

We are both 24 years old. He's a full time worker with some past relationship experience (don't know how much) but claims to have been kind of a shut-in for a while so he didn't go out much and develop social skills. I on the other hand have a lot of social experience having lived on my own for a while.

 

I'm curious why you say my expectations are unreasonable. I expect people to make weekend plans by Wednesday or Thursday at the latest, and because we live an hour apart and can only see each other on the weekends, planning ahead is imperative. He's so passive, seems to have no desire to plan things out and just waits for me to choose the exact place and time.

[Zahara]

I felt exhausted reading your post. You come off so intense and full of expectations. This is a man you met two weeks ago but you demand for too much.

 

Why don't you want to hold my hand? Why can't you meet me? Why didn't he ask me if I got home safe? How dare he not tell me what he was doing that night/assumption he was on another date? Why doesn't he like talking on the phone? He's spending the whole week with his family and may choose his friends over me?! Good grief.

 

He's literally a stranger to you but you're acting like you're already in a relationship with him.

 

You need to chill and stop rushing this. Stop having all these expectations. Date because you're trying to get to know a man, not control them and force it to conform to your needs because you're trying to quickly move it along and solidify it. Have a life outside of this guy. Stop placing all focus on him. At least give the man a chance to come to you and court you without you chasing him.

 

I think he's stepping away because you are pushy. It's not attractive. You're coming off needy and insecure.

Edited October 4, 2018 by Zahara

[smackie9]

This guy seems to have all the excuses.....probably has other dates. Move on if you don't feel he's feeling it.

 

 

The proof is in how often they are willing to see you, not how much they text you.

Edited October 4, 2018 by smackie9

[lurker74]

Wishy Washy how? He clearly isn't super interested in you and I don't see and wish to offset his wash. You're very young so perhaps it's just a very casual thing for him right now and potentially he'll get more serious but if it's already bothering you now, you're on different pages, so I would move on rather than continue to allow your confidence and self-worth take hits.

 

As they say, he's just not that into you.

 

Also, IMO, don't ever make the plans for the first 2 dates. So many guys suck at saying, how about _____ place at 7? If they can't make that decision then it's likely they can't make a lot of decisions and you're dating a boy, not a man.

[kendahke]

This guy is not your boyfriend--have you two had a talk on exclusivity and being committed? If not, then he's just some dude you're getting to know and you should not be this invested at 14 days in.

 

Sorry, but he's not that interested in you if he's not keeping your schedule straight and half listening to you.

 

At the two week mark, you should not be dumping on him like you are--he's probably overwhelmed by your expectations---which are future resentments under construction.

 

Just stop contacting him. You don't give the guy any time to miss you enough to reach out and contact you. He can probably set a watch to your texts.

Edited October 4, 2018 by kendahke

[b1a6]

I felt exhausted reading your post. You come off so intense and full of expectations. This is a man you met two weeks ago but you demand for too much.

 

Why don't you want to hold my hand? Why can't you meet me? Why didn't he ask me if I got home safe? How dare he not tell me what he was doing that night/assumption he was on another date? Why doesn't he like talking on the phone? He's spending the whole week with his family and may choose his friends over me?! Good grief.

 

He's literally a stranger to you but you're acting like you're already in a relationship with him.

 

You need to chill and stop rushing this. Stop having all these expectations. Date because you're trying to get to know a man, not control them and force it to conform to your needs because you're trying to quickly move it along and solidify it. Have a life outside of this guy. Stop placing all focus on him. At least give the man a chance to come to you and court you without you chasing him.

 

I think he's stepping away because you are pushy. It's not attractive. You're coming off needy and insecure.

 

 

I'm aware that being clingy and insecure are my biggest problems and I'm working on it. It's hard not to put him in the center of my world because I'm in a weird transition phase and not working or studying at the moment, but I know I shouldn't.

 

 

 

I think your interpretation of what's in my mind is too much of an exaggeration. I didn't question him about the times he was vague about going out, I'm just mentioning it because I suspect he's dating other people which means he doesn't feel like I'm good enough. And choosing his friends over me matters to me because he already changed our plans because of it once (sorry but changing last minute is rude especially if it's because of that), and because we only get to see each other once a week. I'm sure he can see his friends more often. I don't want to be with someone who would be satisfied meeting less than once a week regardless of how long we've been dating.

 

 

 

I asked to hold hands because I'm a very touchy-feely person and I feel like a guy who likes me enough wouldn't have a problem with it. If he doesn't want to he's either just feeling "meh" about me or treating me as an option.

 

 

 

In my first two relationships, I was even more careless, young and naive and yet those relationships formed so easily, I was confident and never had doubts about the guy's feelings for me. Whereas in my third relationship, the guy was always flaking on me and it turned out that he was cheating on me with his other long-term girlfriend. I just want it to be easy like it was with the first two.

 

 

I guess what I'm really trying to get at here is if he is interested in me or not... seems like not that much. Thanks for your post. I'll try to chill, maybe I should just start meeting other people who don't live an hour away myself :/ But I wonder this... would it even be a good idea to chill and take things slow, and then get into a relationship with someone who wasn't even that excited about you in the first place?

[b1a6]

This guy is not your boyfriend--have you two had a talk on exclusivity and being committed? If not, then he's just some dude you're getting to know and you should not be this invested at 14 days in.

 

Sorry, but he's not that interested in you if he's not keeping your schedule straight and half listening to you.

 

At the two week mark, you should not be dumping on him like you are--he's probably overwhelmed by your expectations---which are future resentments under construction.

 

Just stop contacting him. You don't give the guy any time to miss you enough to reach out and contact you. He can probably set a watch to your texts.

Actually I sometimes take many hours to reply to his texts because I don't like texting all day every day. I prefer talking on the phone which I only asked to do once. He also is the first one to text me as he does every morning.

 

 

 

As we can only see each other once a week, I expect him to plan ahead for those meetings. I made that clear to him because I am a straight-forward person. I never ask him directly for a date but I hint at it. I don't see what's wrong with that expectation.

 

 

Idk, maybe we're just a mismatch. I'll try going silent for a while. I'm not used to American dating culture, I spend years in South Korea where the expectations for dating are super different. Here it seems like everyone's about appearing super "chill"...

[Zahara]

I'm aware that being clingy and insecure are my biggest problems and I'm working on it. It's hard not to put him in the center of my world because I'm in a weird transition phase and not working or studying at the moment, but I know I shouldn't.

 

Then don't date. If you're not in the proper frame of mind, and acknowledge that you are in a vulnerable position, then work through whatever hurdles you are facing. Dating should be the last thing on your mind.

 

I think your interpretation of what's in my mind is too much of an exaggeration. I didn't question him about the times he was vague about going out, I'm just mentioning it because I suspect he's dating other people which means he doesn't feel like I'm good enough. And choosing his friends over me matters to me because he already changed our plans because of it once (sorry but changing last minute is rude especially if it's because of that), and because we only get to see each other once a week. I'm sure he can see his friends more often. I don't want to be with someone who would be satisfied meeting less than once a week regardless of how long we've been dating.

 

You've known him for two weeks. You shouldn't be having this much anxiety and worry over whether this stranger is into you or not. You're already seeking validation from him and it is too soon. That whole "hand holding" situation -- I cringed when I read that because to a person who is just getting to know you, it's a complete turn-off. It reeks of neediness.

 

I asked to hold hands because I'm a very touchy-feely person and I feel like a guy who likes me enough wouldn't have a problem with it. If he doesn't want to he's either just feeling "meh" about me or treating me as an option.

 

You can be touchy feely when you've reached a level of comfort with a man. Not demand/expect it on your first date. And you certainly can't gauge a man's interest just because he doesn't hold your hand on the first date. I don't want to hold a man's hand on a first date. I don't even know him. I'm barely touching the surface as to who he is and whether we are compatible on the first date so why would I want to extend that level of affection to a complete stranger?

 

In my first two relationships, I was even more careless, young and naive and yet those relationships formed so easily, I was confident and never had doubts about the guy's feelings for me. Whereas in my third relationship, the guy was always flaking on me and it turned out that he was cheating on me with his other long-term girlfriend. I just want it to be easy like it was with the first two.

 

Each dating experience is unique in itself. You can't compare and treat each man and encounter the same way.

 

I guess what I'm really trying to get at here is if he is interested in me or not... seems like not that much. Thanks for your post. I'll try to chill, maybe I should just start meeting other people who don't live an hour away myself :/ But I wonder this... would it even be a good idea to chill and take things slow, and then get into a relationship with someone who wasn't even that excited about you in the first place?

 

He doesn't sound interested. Maybe you should work on your insecurities and put dating aside for now. If you know you are cling and needy, then it would be in your best interest to work on building up your self-esteem.

Edited October 4, 2018 by Zahara

[b1a6]

Ok, the hand holding thing was pretty cringy, guess you're right. He said it was cute when I asked the first time though.

 

 

 

I feel like I need to do something to recover from this now. Maybe if he asks about meeting on Monday tell him that I already have plans.

[Zahara]

Ok, the hand holding thing was pretty cringy, guess you're right. He said it was cute when I asked the first time though.

 

I think he only said that to be polite.

 

I feel like I need to do something to recover from this now. Maybe if he asks about meeting on Monday tell him that I already have plans.

 

You can meet him if you want to or don't -- either way I don't think it's going to change his level of interest.

[USMCHokie]

Ok, the hand holding thing was pretty cringy, guess you're right. He said it was cute when I asked the first time though.

 

 

 

I feel like I need to do something to recover from this now. Maybe if he asks about meeting on Monday tell him that I already have plans.

 

There is no value in trying to throw his own game back at him. Just leave it alone. If you’re still interested in him, then meet with him Monday. If you’re not interested, then say exactly that.

[RedHead5]

Go on a date with someone else.

 

You don't necessarily have to write this guy off completely but it sounds like he is somewhat interested but maybe not to the level you are. And that could be because you are being clingy because this is the only guy you have on the line.

 

If you aren't happy with the way he treats you, you should stop seeing him. Cancelling plans on that Saturday and going out with friends instead knocked you down the priority list. And he told you about it and you accepted it. Is that how you really want to be treated? And it seems like it bothered you when he mentioned a female friend paid for his meal. Was it even necessary for him to tell you that? Did he talk about her alot? Is she significant or are you just paranoid?

 

One time only did my bf bump me on a weekend night. And it was something to do with friends and he was completely honest, told me in advance and promised to spend Sunday with me instead (and he kept his word). I don't even remember what it was but it was something irregular and something I either could not or did not want to attend. And this was like a month or more in, we had been on several dates by then and pretty sure we were exclusive at that point.

 

Guys before him that didn't keep their word or I thought were liars that earlier got ghosted. Blocked, deleted, so long, farewell. I can't deal with a liar or someone who doesn't keep their word. Or someone that twists the truth or tells white lies. That's a deal breaker for me.

 

Bottom line is, if you aren't happy, bail. Quit making excuses for his behavior and accepting it if you don't like it. This isn't your boyfriend and you have no commitment to him and you dont owe him anything. If you don't like what he does now, it's not going to get better. This is when he should be on his best behavior, trying to impress you. If this is his impressive behavior, I hate to see normal.

 

If you are clingy/anxiety/etc. and he is not willing or able to make you feel safe and comfortable then he is really not the one for you, is he?

[b1a6]

Welp, I told him that it wasn't going to work out because of the difference in our personalities and his response was "no worries"

 

 

 

guess I know what page he was on now :lmao:

 

 

Seems like he wasn't even that interested in the first place despite some cringy behavior on my part but I'll try to play it more cool with the next one. Thanks everyone