Versacehottie Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 thats what i plan on doing. But i still feel hurt by the way hes handled things. He could have at least replied to me and let me know what was happening instead of ignoring my message I think sometimes it's better to focus on what IS happening rather than what SHOULD have. Rather than get stuck on being right or disappointed, either do something about your disappointment (i.e. stop seeing him or see others as well if you aren't exclusive) or make the decision given the current state of things how you will move forward (i.e. not attempt to initiate with him but rather respond to his requests if they suit your schedule). More productive to concentrate on what is and i might add, clearly communicate to avoid misunderstandings. Hmmm if he thinks you're needy or "less than" would you want to be with him? Your perception, whether real or imagined, is affecting how you handle yourself in this relationship. Stifling you, letting your less confident side show--which is often why exactly what you fear comes true. You can't be afraid to lose someone that won't treat you well. Good luck
kendahke Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 Well if he is ghosting he shouldnt be suggesting anything then he should either grow a pair and tell me he doesnt want to continue and stop wasting my time or else stop texting and leading me on. This is one of those times where you have to stand sentry to your own boundaries and quit outsourcing that to someone who is acting disinterested. If you are truly sick and tired of this, then own your voice, open your mouth and say so. YOU tell him to stop wasting your time. You've been seeing him long enough to ask him what his intentions are as far as you're concerned. Either way its not fair and its not ok to say "he's ghosting you; stop contacting him". Yeah, but that might be the truth--speculating and avoiding speaking up for yourself isn't going to get you any closer to that truth. I deserve a bit more than that. Ghosting nor this flakiness is not acceptable to treat anyone. That needs to be said to him, not us. Those of us saying this are not the one jerking you around here. 2
kendahke Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 No it doesnt matter what method of communcation i use if i asked the same questions over the phone he is still going to percieve me as needy if he wants to and you have absolutely no control over that... You can only control what YOU do 1
Versacehottie Posted October 3, 2018 Posted October 3, 2018 thank you. we didnt make sunday plans though as he didnt reply to my message about whether or not he was working sunday. i guess he just couldnt give a hoot and is not interested Well you are acting defeated. That mood is not your friend to get what you want--either what you want with him, happiness or hopefully both together. DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT AND ACT ACCORDINGLY. Even if you don't want to call him because you think it will make you look needy and weak, then choose that from a position of strength. I have friends who do this & it works because in their head they decide if he won't call me then I'm not into him. It's their "position" and it guides them and they don't stress about it much at all. You get trapped and in a weak position (above and beyond being the first one in contact) when you want something to happen but allow the other person to dictate all the terms and control what happens. I think it's pointless to be mad or worry about him potentially ghosting you or dropping your priority. Being in that's how it looks or feels to you, what are you going to do about it? There are several choices and choosing a path rather than waiting aimlessly for him to come around, while you get sulky (so NOT the best plan to get him to come around btw). You are effectively letting him choose for you. 1
BC1980 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 I wouldn't text him again. I think he's ghosting you. 1
hippychick3 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 thats what i plan on doing. But i still feel hurt by the way hes handled things. He could have at least replied to me and let me know what was happening instead of ignoring my message His lack of communication IS communication. He has essentially let you know what is happening by not responding. It's time to dictate your life on your terms and take back your power. You deserve better. It's better for you to not reach out to him again. 2
Author SBM1111 Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 SO after all that he text me back and said he was sorry he was busy studying and that he was going out for dinner with his friends - he never acknowledged that he suggested we could meet. He asked me a question and I replied albeit I was more blunt as usual as I was mad. Nevertheless he has disappeared again. I am so mad over this treatment and Im not taking it anymore. Hes making no effort only stringing me out, possibly to keep me there for if he gets lonely. So im going to properly finish it and let it go. I was thinking of texting him the following: "I can only assume from your lack of communication and plans to meet up that your no longer interested which I understand. However I would have appreciated if you could have just said instead of continually ignoring my messages and brushing me off as its not a nice thing to do. I had a nice time spending time with you it was a lot of fun but this isnt working. Take care". Any other suggestions please forward them. I know some will say why bother texting him at all get the message etc. but I want closure and I also want him to know that its not ok to treat ME like this
hippychick3 Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 SO after all that he text me back and said he was sorry he was busy studying and that he was going out for dinner with his friends - he never acknowledged that he suggested we could meet. He asked me a question and I replied albeit I was more blunt as usual as I was mad. Nevertheless he has disappeared again. I am so mad over this treatment and Im not taking it anymore. Hes making no effort only stringing me out, possibly to keep me there for if he gets lonely. So im going to properly finish it and let it go. I was thinking of texting him the following: "I can only assume from your lack of communication and plans to meet up that your no longer interested which I understand. However I would have appreciated if you could have just said instead of continually ignoring my messages and brushing me off as its not a nice thing to do. I had a nice time spending time with you it was a lot of fun but this isnt working. Take care". Any other suggestions please forward them. I know some will say why bother texting him at all get the message etc. but I want closure and I also want him to know that its not ok to treat ME like this OP, please do NOT text him that. If you want closure and have a need to text, just say (and only say), “This is not working for me anymore. Good luck.” And then do not respond if he texts you back. Let him go. He knows exactly what he’s doing. You spelling it out for him and telling him how he’s hurt you will not change anything. Walk away with dignity and your power.
stillafool Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 I agree with the above. Don't tell him how he hurt you because chances are he doesn't care anyway or he wouldn't be ignoring you. I would block him and just move on. He cannot give you closure only you can do that.
Author SBM1111 Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 I agree with the above. Don't tell him how he hurt you because chances are he doesn't care anyway or he wouldn't be ignoring you. I would block him and just move on. He cannot give you closure only you can do that. I understand what you guys say. however I feel like s*** because of his actions. This isnt about him this is about how i feel. I accept that he's not interested but I feel the way he has gone about it is cruel selfish immature and hurtful. i have clearly indicated I am interested in him and he has left me feeling like a sad fool and completely disrespected and like im not even worthy of 30 seconds for a simple text message. That hurts ME. F*** him. And by me doing nothing and fading away as he has hoped then I feel that I am letting him get off lightly and I am letting him treat me this way. I feel I am accepting it by saying nothing. Yes I agree with posters about he doesnt care so nothing I say will change and I get that, but this is about my self respect and not letting an ass like him walk all over it
kendahke Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 "I can only assume from your lack of communication and plans to meet up that your no longer interested which I understand. However I would have appreciated if you could have just said instead of continually ignoring my messages and brushing me off as its not a nice thing to do. I had a nice time spending time with you it was a lot of fun but this isnt working. Take care". Any other suggestions please forward them. I know some will say why bother texting him at all get the message etc. but I want closure and I also want him to know that its not ok to treat ME like this Don't send that. This isn't closure--it's grovelling for attention in a last ditch effort. It's not graceful nor dignified. You ignoring him, blocking him on all social media and communication devices is a message loud and clear enough for him to get that you mean business. He doesn't need to be told off or reprimanded like you're mother; and quite frankly, it won't end the way your fantasy says it will end... you can't control people through a script you're writing and memorizing. This is just one more way you're hanging onto him. You're lying to yourself by thinking this is going to make him act/do/say/think differently. It's not. All that message is going to do is to show him that you are so thirsty and pressed that your pride cannot let it go. Pride goes before destruction, my dear. 1
Author SBM1111 Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 Don't send that. This isn't closure--it's grovelling for attention in a last ditch effort. It's not graceful nor dignified. You ignoring him, blocking him on all social media and communication devices is a message loud and clear enough for him to get that you mean business. He doesn't need to be told off or reprimanded like you're mother; and quite frankly, it won't end the way your fantasy says it will end... you can't control people through a script you're writing and memorizing. This is just one more way you're hanging onto him. You're lying to yourself by thinking this is going to make him act/do/say/think differently. It's not. All that message is going to do is to show him that you are so thirsty and pressed that your pride cannot let it go. Pride goes before destruction, my dear. Ok well should I send this then “hi john. I’m sorry but this isn’t working out. It was nice spending time with you though. Take care” or something similar to the point. Or send nothing at all and let him away Scot free
Versacehottie Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Ok well should I send this then “hi john. I’m sorry but this isn’t working out. It was nice spending time with you though. Take care” or something similar to the point. Or send nothing at all and let him away Scot free I think it's better to send this sort of message. You have a ton of hostility over something relatively small, feeling dissed because he already had plans & isn't communicative about your next plans together. Being that you choose not to be proactive and get the answer yourself with your own direct question, you've chosen to be passive aggressive. Not a good look and won't serve you well going forward. Before you get it twisted, i'm not saying he's right, you're wrong. Neither of you are wrong. It's a lack of communication and yes maturity. I definitely think you should not send the hostile, butthurt message. Depends what you want though. I think going away with grace leaves him wondering or at least you without regret. I'm a fan of leaving doors open unless it is a major roadblock you can never get over or would never change. Also wouldn't stoop to letting who I am be that "ugly". It's pretty transparent with the first angry potential message. I am also a fan of saying nothing. IMO, you need to learn patience and being comfortable expressing yourself. Going off the handle accomplishes none of this, except for maybe in a small way convincing you that you are "right" and have no growing to do. You need to find better alternatives to getting what you want and they are out there. Rather than barreling through and expecting someone to enjoy that and stick with you. I guess what I'm saying is your own behavior has played a part in this outcome and how you handle the next step is about you. All he will think if you berate him is that his pulling away was 100% the right choice and that you are crazy and unreasonable. IMO, show him what he would be missing by acting in a way that shows that you ARE a catch. Requires more patience and maturity but will leave you with less regret over your actions & potential for resurrecting things if you chose.
kendahke Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 I feel that I am letting him get off lightly and I am letting him treat me this way. So what is your remedy? To kick his butt? Scream at him over the phone? Blow up his cell with a never ending text tsunami? I'm really curious as to how you see this all playing out and what you see as his reaction to you getting this "closure"? Sometimes, just cutting the line, setting them adrift, blocking all avenues back to your presence is all the "closure" you need. He's expecting you to be beside yourself and he's more than likely ready for anything you're going to throw at him. I'd make it my policy to not do anything that will land me in a pair of orange pajamas courtesy of the county jail. Maintenance of my dignity and grace are paramount. I"m not about to reprimand anyone when it's far easier to put them on block and keep it moving. No one deserves to see me melt down in front of them over anything. Boy, bye. 1
Zahara Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Ok well should I send this then “hi john. I’m sorry but this isn’t working out. It was nice spending time with you though. Take care” or something similar to the point. Or send nothing at all and let him away Scot free If you must send a message then the short message is fine. Nothing emotional and angry. Just be sure that you are completely done and solid in your decision. Don't do this because you are hoping for an emotional response/reaction from him. Also, sending nothing has nothing to do with him getting away scot-free. He's not going to go to a corner and cry over this or beat himself up over not behaving appropriately. You're projecting your emotions about this on him. I get you are disappointed and angry but he cannot give you the closure you need. Your closure comes from YOU, from the fact that he isn't interested, you're not fulfilled and you're going to move on. 2
Author SBM1111 Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 If you must send a message then the short message is fine. Nothing emotional and angry. Just be sure that you are completely done and solid in your decision. Don't do this because you are hoping for an emotional response/reaction from him. Also, sending nothing has nothing to do with him getting away scot-free. He's not going to go to a corner and cry over this or beat himself up over not behaving appropriately. You're projecting your emotions about this on him. I get you are disappointed and angry but he cannot give you the closure you need. Your closure comes from YOU, from the fact that he isn't interested, you're not fulfilled and you're going to move on. And what if I threw caution to the wind gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried having a mature conversation about what’s going on where it stands etc? What I do know is he replies most of the time. Not now but he always has done previously it once took him 4 days but he got back to me. I know he is busy with college work, his friend is recently single and is hanging out a lot more and he is recently grieving a family member and his brother is having issues with same and he has to travel two hours home every week for a night. Would this be Mature or again should I assume from his signs he’s not interested and leave it? It’s been one week since we last met up
Versacehottie Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 If you must send a message then the short message is fine. Nothing emotional and angry. Just be sure that you are completely done and solid in your decision. Don't do this because you are hoping for an emotional response/reaction from him. Also, sending nothing has nothing to do with him getting away scot-free. He's not going to go to a corner and cry over this or beat himself up over not behaving appropriately. You're projecting your emotions about this on him. I get you are disappointed and angry but he cannot give you the closure you need. Your closure comes from YOU, from the fact that he isn't interested, you're not fulfilled and you're going to move on. 1000% to the bolded!!! It's kinda funny that OP thinks that she needs to school him & it will hurt him to scold him. All it will do is reinforce that he doesn't want to be with you. If you are mentally evolved you will get "closure" from making your own decision that this doesn't work for you and be indifferent or just move on gracefully. I have to say that he is probably just being a normal (college?) guy who had other priorities for a few days, is baffled but not inspired when you are acting cold and miffed. And you obviously think overall that this is a much higher priority than he does (your posts OP have a bit of entitlement to them that is not attractive). I agree with Zahara that you should be sure of your decision. That's one reason why just pulling back and letting him contact you is another good way to go about it. It's a cushion of time to decide what you really want and there is no hurry to make a decision anyway. You can't "force" people to treat you a certain way. It makes more sense to show them how to treat you. If he is treating you well and making you a priority then he gets your attention--if he doesn't then you are indifferent. Well unless you have gathered enough information about this guy (that he is lazy, immature or too busy) to be what you are looking for--in which case, what is there to be angry about? Walk away if you know this info. It's simple. 1
Zahara Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 (edited) And what if I threw caution to the wind gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried having a mature conversation about what’s going on where it stands etc? What I do know is he replies most of the time. Not now but he always has done previously it once took him 4 days but he got back to me. I know he is busy with college work, his friend is recently single and is hanging out a lot more and he is recently grieving a family member and his brother is having issues with same and he has to travel two hours home every week for a night. Would this be Mature or again should I assume from his signs he’s not interested and leave it? It’s been one week since we last met up Sounds like someone who has no time to invest in a relationship then. If all of the above takes precedence over his relationship, then he should not be in one and you don't need to be sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone to make time for you. Replying does not mean interest. Action, focus on that. If a two month relationship is dwindling, then it's pretty telling. This should be the highpoint and two people should be enjoying each other. You can have a conversation with him -- there's nothing wrong with doing that if it makes you feel content at the end of the day knowing you've exhausted all avenues and it will likely make it easier to come to a final decision. He may hear you out, start the cycle again and likely leave you in the same place as you are now (you listed a host of reasons as to why he is "busy" and that is not changing) or he'll walk away. He sounds like a guy that is not interested. Personally, I would just walk away. Edited October 4, 2018 by Zahara 1
Author SBM1111 Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 1000% to the bolded!!! It's kinda funny that OP thinks that she needs to school him & it will hurt him to scold him. All it will do is reinforce that he doesn't want to be with you. If you are mentally evolved you will get "closure" from making your own decision that this doesn't work for you and be indifferent or just move on gracefully. I have to say that he is probably just being a normal (college?) guy who had other priorities for a few days, is baffled but not inspired when you are acting cold and miffed. And you obviously think overall that this is a much higher priority than he does (your posts OP have a bit of entitlement to them that is not attractive). I agree with Zahara that you should be sure of your decision. That's one reason why just pulling back and letting him contact you is another good way to go about it. It's a cushion of time to decide what you really want and there is no hurry to make a decision anyway. You can't "force" people to treat you a certain way. It makes more sense to show them how to treat you. If he is treating you well and making you a priority then he gets your attention--if he doesn't then you are indifferent. Well unless you have gathered enough information about this guy (that he is lazy, immature or too busy) to be what you are looking for--in which case, what is there to be angry about? Walk away if you know this info. It's simple. Thanks guys. You have made sense and I think I’m just going to leave him altogether. He’s not interested which is sad. My friend just sent me a picture of his online dating account which is active and he has pictures taken when we were together (during the time) on this profile so it’s relatively new. And it stings 1
kendahke Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Or send nothing at all and let him away Scot free Turning into mother reprimanding him like a errant child isn't the solution. Send nothing and let him go scot free. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Nothing you can say or do is going to satisfy you enough because you cannot factor in what his reaction will be because you don't know him well enough to know what his reaction is going to be. This is one of those situations where life can come at you fast because you are operating solely on fantasy and revenge--two things that will get you someplace you don't want to be faster than anything else. 1
Zahara Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Thanks guys. You have made sense and I think I’m just going to leave him altogether. He’s not interested which is sad. My friend just sent me a picture of his online dating account which is active and he has pictures taken when we were together (during the time) on this profile so it’s relatively new. And it stings This is your closure. I bet he'll come sniffing around when he's looking for attention so make sure you are steadfast in your decision. Delete/block and move on.
Author SBM1111 Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 This is your closure. I bet he'll come sniffing around when he's looking for attention so make sure you are steadfast in your decision. Delete/block and move on. Your right it is my closure. He’s a player and with absolutely no respect. It turns me off him to be honest. Those pictures are so recent so chances are he set up that profile before all this crap happened. Disgusting really
Zahara Posted October 4, 2018 Posted October 4, 2018 Your right it is my closure. He’s a player and with absolutely no respect. It turns me off him to be honest. Those pictures are so recent so chances are he set up that profile before all this crap happened. Disgusting really I know you're disappointed and hurting. But the universe has given you an easy out. Now you don't have to worry about sending a text, not sending a text, if he responds to the text, if he likes you, when will you see him, etc. This is an easy cut the cord. It's going to help you move on faster. And the anger will be very helpful with getting you over this.
Author SBM1111 Posted October 4, 2018 Author Posted October 4, 2018 I know you're disappointed and hurting. But the universe has given you an easy out. Now you don't have to worry about sending a text, not sending a text, if he responds to the text, if he likes you, when will you see him, etc. This is an easy cut the cord. It's going to help you move on faster. And the anger will be very helpful with getting you over this. Thank you Zahara for your kind words. I am better than this treatment. A guy who sets up a dating profile while sleeping with me is just.. well.. horrible highly disrespectful and has no value for women let alone me. I am a genuine caring fun person with a lot to give and he’s a s**t that doesn’t deserve it 1
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